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First (and Only) Husker Game With Dad

The phone rang far too early for a Saturday morning.

Whoever was on the other end of the line was calling with something urgent.

After a couple of tense rings, my mother answered and walked out of the kitchen (and earshot) in one continuous motion. The phone’s cord crinkled and snapped as it untangled itself and stretched behind her.

With Caller ID still an innovation of the far off future, I had no idea who she was speaking to. The over-sized ears my head had yet to grow into were no help. All they could make out were muffled responses that were short and to the point.

After what seemed like forever, my mom returned the kitchen. Her palm smothered the phone’s handset.

Whatever she was about to say was going to be important.

“Your dad wants to know if he can take you to the Husker game today. I told him I’d ask you.”

My brain could barely processes what it was hearing.

You told him you’d ask me?  Why, that’s more ridiculous than asking someone if they’d like to have a winning lottery ticket.

I jumped out of my seat at the kitchen table so fast I knocked over my box of Apple Jacks and got to the phone before any skipped across the floor. I yanked it from my mom’s hand with more commitment than a purse snatcher and escaped to the privacy of my bedroom.

“Hey, Dad!”

“Really?”

“Are you serious?”

“I’d love to go.”

“Of course I’ll wear red.”

“See you soon.”

In the span of 30 seconds, maybe a minute tops, my life had changed. After 12 long years of watching from afar, I was finally going in. I was suddenly mere hours away from joining the Sea of Red.

In my dad’s hierarchy of recreation, going to Husker games was at the very top. Sure, we watched and listened to a lot of games during eight years of sporadic weekend visits but they were all road games. If the Huskers were playing in Lincoln, he was there. The closest I would get to Memorial Stadium would be rescuing a weeks-old program from its new life as a drink coaster or a getting a Herbie Husker t-shirt that I had outgrown by the time he remembered to give it to me.

According to Google, it is a 14 minute, 9.1 mile drive from our old house in Grand Island to the exotic rendezvous point at the parking lot of the hotel formerly known at the Interstate Holiday Inn.

We might as well have been traveling to the other side of the Earth.

I spent the drive anxiously checking my digital Timex and fighting the urge to get out and run. There was no way we could be late.

We pulled in with five minutes to spare.

An hour and a half later, my mother made the painfully obvious observation that it doesn’t take that long to drive over from Kearney.

“Maybe he forgot the tickets and had to go back,” I offered as a perfectly reasonable explanation. Making excuses for the guy came easy, especially when it came to matters of punctuality.

A few minutes later, a big red Cadillac Coupe de Ville glided up next to us.

My dad had finally arrived and there he was in all his glory, hanging out the passenger side door.

“Gooooooooo Biiiiiiiiiiiiig Red!” he yelled.

It was still morning and he was already drunk.

My mom looked over to me, shrugged, and told me to have a good time.

What can I say? It was the 80s.

And before you get all indignant, my mom did check to make sure my dad’s latest girlfriend wasn’t drinking while behind the wheel.

I jumped in and she punched it. Riding in the back with me was one of my dad’s buddies who I’d never met before. He was grandpa old and was apparently a legend in the world of horse racing- my dad’s second favorite past time.

Dad’s new squeeze was a school teacher, a detail that sent my head spinning. If teachers were supposed to be boring, this one broke the mold. We flew down I-80, slowing just long enough for my dad to flirt with a carload of girls bound for the game and hand them a few beers at 60 miles per hour.

Our only pit stop was when a Nebraska State Trooper decided the teacher was going a little too fast. She was written up for speeding we were on our way. Back then, it was way out of the trooper’s jurisdiction to even suggest that we put on our seat belts or that drinking while in a moving vehicle probably wasn’t the best idea.

Not long after the capitol came into view, we arrived at one of Bob Kerrey’s restaurants. I’m pretty sure it had a name but it will be forever seared into my head as Bob Kerrey’s because that’s all my dad was talking about on our final approach into Lincoln.

“We’re going to Bob Kerrey’s restaurant. Before he became governor, he was a pharmacist just like me. I’ve met him before. Wait until you try the onion rings.”

But there was no time for onion rings. Kickoff wasn’t far away so we immediately boarded a shuttle bus and headed for the cathedral that is Memorial Stadium.

It was an incredible sight. I’d never seen it up close and I was in awe to be standing in its shadow. The buzz outside the stadium was off the charts and the band was already rocking on the inside. We’re talking total sensory overload.

“OK, gang.”

Suddenly, my dad spoke with more confidence than the world’s best ketchup popsicle salesman.

“We’ll meet back here right after the game. Remember this spot.”

He quickly dispersed the tickets. He and the horse racing legend would be over in the East Stadium straddling the 50 yard line. Meanwhile, the teacher and I were cast off to the South Stadium, 90 or so rows up.

My dad was taking me to my very first Husker game and the guy wasn’t even going to sit with me, or the woman he was dating.

This came as a bit of a surprise but before a word could be said in protest, he and the horse racing legend vanished into the crowd.

There wasn’t much we could do other than go find our seats. Looking back, I’m glad I was too young to fully realize the awkwardness of the situation. It had to be as subtle as getting blindsided by Broderick Thomas who was somewhere down on there among all the tiny red specks dotting the AstroTurf.

The teacher and I made the best of it up in the stratosphere. Luckily, my mom knew well enough to give me some money just in case which spared the embarrassment of asking a one day acquaintance for a small loan to buy a Runza and warm Coke.

Once the game got going, a fan next to us let me look through his binoculars and pointed out Steve Taylor, Ken Clark, Dana Brinson, and even Tom Osborne as he roamed the sideline. These were guys I’d only ever heard about and saw on TV and there they were barely a quarter mile away. The teacher used the binoculars to spot her parents in her family’s longtime seats in the West Stadium. When I suggested we go over and say hello at halftime, she politely declined.

I can’t imagine why.

Utah State was no match for Nebraska. The game quickly turned into a rout and the Huskers scored just about every time they touched the ball. By the fourth quarter, enough fans had cleared out that we moved close enough to the action to hear Mickey Joseph bark out orders when he came in for mop up duty.

After the final whistle, we made our way back to the rally point. It had been a long game but I couldn’t wait to talk about it with my dad.

There was just one problem.

He and the horse racing legend were nowhere to be found. We waited as long as we could and before we had no choice but to take the last shuttle back to Bob Kerrey’s place.

Before grabbing her car to continue the search, we popped in to use the restroom. We were barely inside when a familiar voice yelled out.

“There you are. Finally!”

It was my dad. He and the horse racing legend were kicking it in a booth. The table was littered with food and they clung to their Bloody Marys as if they were the only thing that could keep them marginally upright.

“Where were you?” the teacher asked. “We waited until the last bus and never saw you.”

“The game was in the bag so we thought we’d beat the crowd getting out. We’ve been here since halftime. I can’t believe you stayed all the way to the end.”

Somehow, someway, the teacher kept it together and didn’t blow a fuse. The rage was there, and justifiably so, but she kept it in check. Maybe years of teaching gave her superhuman powers or perhaps she just knew it was futile to argue with someone who no longer had enough motor skill to eat an onion ring.

They were delicious by the way.

Even crawling at the speed limit, the ride home was quick. My dad and the horse racing legend both passed out the moment they got in the car and melted into the velour seats. The teacher and I made small talk about what was in-store for our respective school weeks but otherwise we kept the chatter to minimum.

Grand Island was a small enough town that I was able to guide her back to our house no problem. When she brought the Caddy to a stop in front of it, my dad snapped awake.

“I had a great time today, champ. We’ll go again soon.”

I climbed out of the car and looked back at him as he pulled the door shut. He reached deep into his pocket and dug out a crumpled twenty-  his universal signal for ‘don’t tell your mom what really happened.’

I grabbed it and ran towards our house. The porch light flipped on before I reached the sidewalk.

We never made it back for another game.

Dads, you only get one chance to take your kid to their first Husker game. Don’t mess it up.

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All Your Clichés Belong To Us: Predicting Husker Loss Reaction

As June creeps towards July, the dog days of the Husker off-season are upon us.

If you haven’t been swayed by summer and all her lovely distractions, you may have noticed the full-time Husker media has been chiseling away at the bottom of the Husker news barrel since just after Memorial Day. They have an unbelievable amount of air-time and column inches to fill and somehow, they’re making it work.

I imagine they all gather for regular meetings in Tom Shatel’s basement to discuss their story ideas for an upcoming week and draw their daily topics of discussion from a well worn bingo ball tumbler that was a solid find at a church garage  sometime during the Solich era.

How else can you explain the magic that no talk radio show or writer ever covers the exact same topic on the same day?

One area that has yet to become a topic of open discussion is the elephant in the room that is Husker Nation.

What will be the reaction if a Mike Riley led Husker team ever loses?

Please note: I said if. Not when.

I am by no means advocating for a Husker loss.

But I do know that during slow periods, it’s standard practice for news outlets to write obituaries in advance so that when a person famous enough to warrant a pre-written obituary kicks the bucket, they can have one ready to go with minimal updates.

With any Husker loss feeling like a death in the family, I’d bet a stack of Runzas there at least a couple sportswriters who’ve been outlining what they’re going to write following the first loss of the Mike Riley era- should one ever occur, of course.

With that in mind, we’re going to make some bold predictions, aka hot takes, on what might be said following such a tragic event.

Mike Riley Lincoln
Mike Riley, asking which way to run out of Lincoln. (Just in case.)

If Mike Riley’s Huskers ever suffer a loss, we’ll come back to this and see how we did on our cliché predictions:

“Well, the honeymoon is over. Like any marriage, this day was inevitable. The first test between Mike Riley and the state of Nebraska is upon us.”
– First writer to file their post game analysis gets dibs on the most obvious lede ever.

“The life of Riley just got a lot harder.” The second most obvious lede.

“The Mike Riley era began with a humbling loss in front of a nationwide television audience but when the final whistle blew, the Huskers and their new coach were not the laughing stock of the country unlike season’s past.” – On the off-chance BYU opens their season with a win in Lincoln.

“This defeat doesn’t sting or humble any less than the others but Husker Nation can show some pride in knowing this setback was taken on the chin with dignity and class, elements missing from the Husker sideline for far too long.” – Losing with class will be a major theme. (If a loss ever happens.)

“Sorry, Coach Riley. This is where Nebraska nice gives way to Nebraska expectations.” – This one is right in Dirk Chatelain’s wheelhouse.

“Those shallow wrinkles on the 62-year-old coach’s boyish face are about to become etched a whole lot deeper.” – Again, this one is all Dirk.

“Coach Riley is going to start looking his age real quick.”
– The over/under on sportswriters using this one is 5.

“Gone are the jaunts down to the Haymarket for a happy hour beer and a photo or two with the fans.” – Sipple. Naturally.

“It was a loss that will give Riley’s coaching staff dream team nightmares for days to come.” – This one better not happen. The Justice League of America is not as well assembled as Riley’s crew.

“After today’s humbling defeat, there’s no way the happy go lucky coach could ever be brave enough to bum a ride home from a fan.” – Not to worry, Coach. The code uberBigRedFury will get you a free ride from Uber. (This deal also applies to you, dear readers.) 

“The trio of coaches who failed to escape the long shadow cast by Tom Osborne’s 25 year legacy has now become a quartet.”
– Sam McKewon, Omaha World-Herald.

The Nirvana of coaches who failed to escape the long shadow cast by Tom Osborne’s 25 year legacy has found their Pat Smear in Coach Riley. – Sam McKewon, back in his Nebraska State Paper Days.

“When the consistent mediocrity of a 9 win season, suddenly becomes a pie in the sky dream…” – Worst case scenario if the Huskers lose more than once.

“No matter which way you slice it, losing with class is still losing.”
– An average member of Huskermax.

“Maybe he should have kept paying by the night at the Embassy Suites.”
– A below average member of Huskermax.

“If you take I-80 west for 140 miles or so, you’ll be able to pick up the Oregon Trail and follow that home.” –  A Huskermax member who thinks the coaches actually turn the forums for advice.

“The special, allergen-free paint in the home the Riley’s spent so much time searching for is barely dry and it may already be time to put it back on the market.” – Nobody better say this one. I feel bad for even thinking it.

 

 

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Is Mike Riley Too Old to Coach the Huskers?

Welcome to the first Monday of 2015. No need to beat around the bush. It’s time to get down to business.

Buried in the 17th paragraph of Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain’s account of following new Husker head coach Mike Riley around the Holiday Bowl was this observation:

Riley isn’t “cool” like Tim Miles. The man is 61 years old, for goodness sakes. But he is respected.

First off, aside from goody two shoes named Dirk, who under the age of 61 has ever used the phrase for goodness sakes?

Second off, was that Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain’s subtle way of planting the first seeds of doubt about Riley’s abilities to lead the Huskers at such an advanced age?

Mike Riley Holiday Bowl
Senior Citizen and Husker head coach Mike Riley looking young and hip in a hoodie at the 2014 Holiday Bowl.

Before we proceed any further, consider this: Without even coaching a single game, Mike Riley already holds the record for oldest head coach in Husker football history. By the time the 2015 season kicks off, he’ll be 62.

Tom Osborne coached his last game at 60.

Frank Solich was fired at 59.

Bob Devaney was 56 when he turned the reigns over to TO. And if you’re keeping score at home, Devaney was the very first to lead the Big Red while in his 50s.

Trust us, we looked at every Huskers head coach all the way back to the Bugeaters era.

Along the way, we did make the amazing discovery that Ewald O. Stiehm was the head coach of the Husker football AND basketball teams during his time at dear old Nebraska U. from 1911 – 1915. He did he same at Indiana for a couple years before dying of stomach cancer at age 37. Could modern medicine prove that Stiehm simply had a gnarly ulcer from the stress of coaching two teams?

So back to Mike Riley. As a senior citizen, does he have the vim and vigor lead the Huskers?

We think so.

Mike Riley Rides A Bike
A regular workout and diet plan routine, such as riding a bicycle can keep a person feeling young.

Here’s the main thing to consider in our assessment: Mike Riley has spent the bulk of his life living in crunchy Corvalis, Oregon.  Clean air, organic food, mild temperatures year-round, and a small fan base that doesn’t exactly have high demands has kept Riley from aging like a typical football coach.

While the license that enables him to drive his Toyota Prius says he’s 61, Riley can’t be older than 45 in coaching years.

Give him a season or two at the helm of the Big Red and we’ll find out exactly how old he is.

And if you’re still worried about Riley’s age, consider these elderly dudes.

steve spurrier
Steve Spurrier, still rocking the visor at age 69, dude.

Bill SnyderBill Snyder, 75 going on 110.

Frank Solich
Frank Solich is proof you can be in your 7th decade and still have what it takes to lead a mediocre MAC team.

Arnold-Schwarzenegger-and-Sylvester-Stallone-Chill-on-Hospital-Bed
Schwarzenegger and Stallone are 67 and 68 respectively.

Liam Neeson
Liam Neeson can’t believe the incredible deal he can get on term life insurance even as a 62-year-old.

Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury
Believe it or not, Samuel L. Jackson is 66-years-old. When you’ve signed on for 30 Marvel movies, your ass better not age a single day.

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The Most Bizarre Lawrence Phillips Story You’ve Never Heard

This a here story we’re about to unfold about Lawrence Philips is true.

If we set out to make up a Lawrence Phillips story, there is no conceivable way we’d ever come up with this one. Even today it remains one of the most mind boggling things we have ever heard and it will be forever seared into our brains.

Please note: There will be a term used that is not appropriate in this day and age or ever. Sure, we could omit it but this is a story that, even if given a revisionist sugar coating, would be no less shocking.

December 14th, 1996. It was a Saturday. The Huskers were a week removed from being upset by Texas in the inaugural Big 12 Championship game. The plan to appear in a 4th consecutive national championship game and finally cross Florida State off the list was blown off the rails due to a flu stricken Husker squad and John Mackovic’s cajones to call for a back breaking pass on 4th and inches.

This day was also the birthday of contributor Kubrickian Glee and myself.  As a pair of struggling students at UNL, it was a day we looked forward to because daVinci’s just didn’t give you a free slice of pizza on your birthday, they hooked you up with a full meal on the house. Lucky for us, their 11th and G location couldn’t be any closer to our respective crap holes at 13th and G and 9th and E.

We met for a late lunch around 4:30. Somewhere behind a blanket of grey clouds the sun was setting. It was a perfect gloomy December day.

Once we showed our IDs to the semi-baffled waitress, we were seated for our complimentary birthday feast.

The only other guest was a little old lady who was preparing to leave. Even through our everyone-over-30-is-old eyes, she had to be at least 80 if not a decade older. Her waitress helped her get into a bright red pea coat and tied her doggy bag around the top rail of her silver walker and said her goodbyes. At the speed she was moving, returning next week for an early bird special was far from a given. Before setting off across the restaurant, she put a lavender knit cap on her head. Decades of practice placed it just so on the first try.

As she clomped past our booth, Kubrickian and I both acknowledged her with the courteous, yet forced smile you give your grandma  right before she lays a big fat kiss on your cheek.

That was all the in she needed. She stopped dead in her four pronged tracks and said “I don’t know about you boys but I’m still terribly upset about the game last week.”

“So are we, ma’am. We really thought they were going to win.”

“They would have won if they hadn’t chased that colored running back out of town. He would have been a senior this year. I really think that boy got a raw deal.”

Kubrickian and I both looked at each other. Our jaws were on the precipice of dropping all the way to the table. Was she talking about Lawrence Phillips?

Before we had the chance to ask, she continued.

“I’m still not sure about that white boy who’s playing quarterback now. He just looks so lost out there. The Arizona State game was heartbreaking.”

We nodded in agreement to that one.

“And it’s his fault that colored boy got in all that trouble. He shouldn’t have been catting around with his girlfriend. She was clearly a whore anyway. You know how it was all over the news that he dragged her down the stairs by her hair? Do you know what I would have done?”

Kubrickian and I were speechless by this point.

“I would have dragged her down the stairs by her feet so her head could have bounced on each and every step. That’s what I would have done. You boys have a nice night.”

And with that, she was off into the darkness.

RIP crazy little old lady Husker fan, wherever you may be.

Lawrence PhillipsLawrence Phillips rushed for 206 yards against Michigan State. Then he returned to Lincoln and brutally assaulted his former girlfriend.

Lawrence Phillips Prison
Feel free to drop him a note c/o Kern Valley State Prison sometime.

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Ten Great Holiday Gifts for Husker Fans

With Christmas closing in faster than Randy Gregory in pursuit of a dead-in-the-water quarterback, here’s a breakdown of these cool products that make great holiday gifts for your favorite Husker fan.

Please note: These gift ideas are not “sponsored.” These are just things we’d personally love to have if we don’t already own them.

8-Bit Husker T-Shirt from Nebraska Red Zone

NEB0898_large

Tecmo Bowl and the Huskers collide in this 8-bit inspired tee. While we’ve never visited their physical store, Nebraska Red Zone has a great line up of Husker gear and rock solid reliable shipping. We’ve turned to them a few times when getting a fresh t-shirt for a new season and have always been pleased with their service.

Husker Bikini Bottoms
Husker Bikini
Every day can be spring break with a Husker bikini for your special lady friend. Mmm… Husker bikini.

A Case of Runzas

runza-large

To those of us Husker fans who live outside of Runza territory, these puppies are worth their weight in gold. In the days leading up to the Huskers playing at UCLA back in 2012, we cashed in some Southwest miles, hopped a flight to Denver, rented a car and drove up to Ft. Collins to visit the westernmost outpost of the Runza empire just to grab a case of these delicious beefy Twinkies to ensure our tailgate was all it could be.

Josh Eating a Runza
Our friend Josh, a Los Angeles native, enjoying his very first Runza outside the Rose Bowl.

Fear the Corn T-Shirt from Big Red of the Rockies

Fear the Corn

Support the only Nebraska Cornhuskers themed store in Estes Park, Colorado that’s owned by a former Husker. For the record, Jesse Kocsh was the nicest Husker we knew during our time at UNL.

A Subscription to Hail Varsity Magazine

Hail Varsity Magazine

In an age where unsubstantiated tweets count as news, Hail Varsity is a modern twist on a bygone era offering insight far beyond what you can find in traditional media.

Tom Osborne and Bo Pelini Autographed Poster

Tom Osborne Bo Pelini

Yes, there is a certain amount of gallows humor in this suggestion but for some folks it could represent an time of hopeful optimism that never had a chance to be fully realized. Or, it could be one last sick joke to your friend who was on the “Bo Must Go” train since 2008.

Hear Nebraska Koozie

Hear Nebraska Koozie

Yes, we know this isn’t directly Husker related but beer and football go together like peas and carrots. Buy a koozie from Hear Nebraska and you’ll help support the Nebraska music scene which believe it or not is a pretty big deal outside of the Cornhusker State.

Through These Gates

Filmmaker Ryan Tweedy captured what it truly means to be a fan of the Nebraska Cornhuskers in a great documentary full of insightful interviews and game day footage guaranteed to send a chill down the spine of any Husker fan. Through These Gates also works as a great warning for anyone who may be be signing on to a Husker family for the long haul, as in this should be mandatory viewing before any engagement rings get slipped on fingers.

University of Nebraska Football Vault by Mike Babcock

University of Nebraska Football Vault

Written by renowned Husker scribe Mike Babcock, this is the definitive tome of Husker football. It covers the humble Bugeater beginnings to the skies-the-limit optimism of the start of the Bo Pelini era and everything in-between. It truly is a treasure for any Husker fan.

Tailgator Gas Powered Blender

Boasting a 25cc 2.25 horsepower two stroke engine, the Tailgator blender will make a round of frozen margarita’s faster than Ameer can break off a 40 yard dash. It’s a spendy item but worth it when it comes to ruling the tailgate scene. Without a doubt this is the Red Ryder BB Gun of tailgating accessories. Also includes carrying case!

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Is Tom Osborne Behind the Huskers’ Drop in Playoff Ranking?

After a bye week that saw a major reshuffling of the College Football Playoff deck, the Huskers found themselves on the short end of the stick, falling three spots to number 16 and well out of playoff contention.

College Football Playoff Rankings

Naturally and all too predictably, Husker Nation was outraged by the disrespect shown to the 8-1 Big Red as evidenced by seven two-loss teams being ranked ahead of the Huskers.

From Husker Extra’s Facebook Page
Angry Husker Fans

These same fans who will talk until they’re blue in the face about how you “need to run to set up the pass” apparently don’t have the foresight to realize that early November rankings don’t mean a thing. The playoff isn’t this Saturday. It’s in January, after the regular season has ended and conference champions have been crowned.

With the exception of the non-conference-championship-game-having pussy ass Big 12, every team ranked ahead of the Huskers has to tip toe through a minefield of a schedule and/or win their conference title before making plans for the playoffs.

Luckily, at least one Husker fan realizes this.
Husker Voice Of Reason

And all this leads to our first ever Big Red Fury Conspiracy Theory.

What’s the better way to motivate someone-  tell them how good they are or how bad they suck?

While it does have its critics with regards to development of emotional intelligence, reverse psychology has been proven to be an effective tactic.

In what field of study did Tom Osborne earn a master’s degree and doctorate?

Tom Osborne’s area of expertise is the field of Educational Psychology. While he could go by Dr. Tom, he prefers to be called Coach, even today.

Which legend who is synonymous with the Nebraska Cornhuskers is on the College Football Playoff Committee?

That would be Tom Osborne.

It’s not that far out of the realm of possibility to think that Bo Pelini could have called in a back alley favor to T.O. requesting his team get knocked down a few pegs ahead of their biggest game of the season.

Or, more likely, T.O. went rogue and decided the best way to help the Huskers is to temporarily hurt them.

Think about it. A win over Wisconsin would have the the Huskers trending upward ahead of a likely showdown with Ohio State for the Big Ten crown and put the winner in a good position for a playoff slot.

If they lose to the Badgers, it’s much less embarrassing and harmful to lose as the 16th ranked team rather than being on the cusp of the top ten and losing to a number 20 team that lost to friggin’ Northwestern.

Coach Osborne knows how to work a room and it wouldn’t take much for him to convince his colleagues that the Huskers might not be all that, especially after a weekend where he could devote more time to watching all other teams since the Huskers weren’t playing.

If the Huskers win on Saturday, don’t be surprised to see them inside the top 10 this time next week.

College football is a fickle mistress.

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Tim Beck Speaks, Husker Fans Light Their Torches

Last night Offensive Coordinator Tim Beck broke his vow of silence that had been self-imposed since the McNeese State game.

Naturally, Husker fans (aka the classiest fans in all of college football) came out of the woodwork and were all too eager to welcome him back into their comforting bosom.

From the Husker Extra Facebook page
TIM BECK

Out of 51 comments (so far) about 10% call for Tim Beck to go kick rocks- aka go back to Kansas.
Mad Husker Fans

And you wonder why the guy doesn’t feel like speaking to the media. Imagine the venom if his Red Storm offense fell outside of a top 10 national ranking.

If mainstream internet rage existed back during the 1991 – 92 seasons, there’s no way Tom Osborne would have made it to 1994. If you think Tim Beck runs the same unimaginative plays, you clearly don’t remember the dark ages of the early 90’s.  I-formations, short side options, 10 passes a game. It was the sort of bland offense that makes a scoop of plain ol’ vanilla look like bubble gum.

And not coincidentally, it was the same offense that was in place during the Husker’s hallowed 60 – 3 run that immediately followed that dark time.

Finally, sticking out in that sea of move-to-Kansas-venom like a golden turd in a silver punchbowl, was this comment.

Screen Shot 2014-10-14 at 11.38.13 PM

While we won’t bother to shed light on the fact that Ameer and Rex are still alive and well, we are curious about this Criss character who needs ‘so touches.’

A quick scan of the Huskers’ roster doesn’t show a Criss but there is a Cross who happens to be running back and would potentially touch the ball from time to time, if Tim Beck ever bothered to call his number.

Could Vincent’s errant suggestion to play Criss just be a simple mix up?

Most likely.

Criss… Cross… what’s really the difference?
Peter Criss Imani Cross
Now get out there and block somebody.

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D’oh Big Red: The Homer Simpson, Herbie Husker Connection

Homer Simpson and Herbie Husker

What do Homer Simpson and Herbie Husker have in common?

They both peaked in the ’90s.

Cheap joke aside, it’s the sad truth.

And coincidentally, it was discovered (stumbled upon) while watching “The Springfield Files“. Out of almost morbid curiosity I found FXX on the TV last Sunday morning with the intention of hate-watching just enough of Every Simpsons Ever to get angry about how things aren’t as good as they used to be.

14 hours later, I reluctantly peeled myself off the couch with bleary eyes and a face sore from an entire day spent laughing. Oh Troy McClure, I didn’t realize how much I missed you. The good ol’ days were so much better than remembered.

During the time Dr. Tom closed out his coaching career with a 60 – 3 run, the Simpsons’ staff was cranking out some of the best work of its soon-to-be 26 seasons. Toss in Frank Solich’s first two years at the helm and you have the entire peak of the series covered.

Out of the first three non-clickbait best episode lists I found, only one boasts an episode beyond 1998 – 99’s 10th season with “Brother’s Little Helper” sneaking into the final spot.

Along with foreshadowing the Major League Baseball steroid scandal that was written all over prohormones co (the Mark McGwire cameo is eerie), the Simpsons episode that ranks as “worst of the best” aired just two weeks before the Huskers’ national championship season wrecking loss to the Texas Longhorns. (If your memory is fuzzy, this was the 1999 loss. Not the 2002, 2003, 2006, 2007, 2009, or 2010 losses.)

At the time, this defeat simply seemed like a third fluke Texas upset in a row. After all, the Huskers got their revenge five weeks later in the Big 12 Championship Game. But looking back, this was the blip that signaled the end of a legendary run- the faint SOS that things would never be the same. The cargo ship full of hot pants was about to run aground. Even with a rebuilding/re-loading season under Solich’s belt, the Huskers could no longer run the table, even at max power.

Since 1999 the Huskers and the Simpsons have been stuck in a 15 year purgatory of mediocrity. They’ve each shown flashes of brilliance (and the dumb luck of losing their way into the BCS Championship Game) but neither has been able to muster a truly breakout season. Somehow they’ve been able to maintain a level of just good enough to get into the “national conversation” a few times a year.

Heading into this season, The Simpsons’ ratings are at an all-time low. The Huskers are locked in at 22 – a ranking that’s a combination of also-ran pity and hopeful optimism.  Both franchises have the resources and depth to string a solid run together.

Can they actually do it?

Or will this be another season of fans having late night YouTube sessions to keep the memory of the glory days from fading even more?

Here’s to a year where Disco Stu and Afro Thunder run wild like it’s 1997 all over again.

. Disco Stu and Kenny Belll

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