Dear Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain-
Congratulations on your success in chasing Bo Pelini out of Memorial Stadium. After several years and countless hours of compiling damning stats and crafting easy-to-digest hyperbole, your hard work has paid finally off. A head coach kill is a most impressive notch for your fanny pack.
You earned it so don’t be shy about showing it off.
We know Pelini probably wasn’t the easiest or friendliest subject to cover but we always tried to give his gruffness both on and off the field the benefit of the doubt. When your job description entails getting young men who are essentially indentured servants to put their personal well being on the line and beat the shit out of other indentured servants, you’re bound to have a personality quirk or five.
But we’re not here to talk about Pelini’s personality, Dirk.
We’re here to talk about yours.
Dirk, if you are actually reading this, your blood is likely working its way up to a boil right now. Or, you could prove our baseless assumptions wrong and be chuckling to yourself.
Either way, please bear with us.
We’re about to drop some real talk.
In the days or weeks leading up to Shawn Eichorst naming the next head coach of the Huskers, you have a golden opportunity to go back to the drawing board and formulate a plan to get to the proverbial next level.
It’s time to stop being the Dirk who topples a program and divides a fan base with a million tiny paper cuts and become the Dirk who wields his keyboard like a motherfucking Hanzo Sword.
Dirk, if you were a professional wrestler, the honest truth is that in your current state, you’d be a mid-level heel. We spent a solid 20 minutes deep in the Wikipedia rabbit hole trying to pinpoint the perfect wrestler you most resemble but couldn’t think of one. The best we can come up with is the framework of a heel whose signature move would be sticking their opponent with a foreign object and then cowering behind the ref. The foundation is there but there’s no personality.
However, that can be fixed.
Without a shred of doubt, we know who we want you to be. We know who you should be. We know who you can be.
The Rowdy Roddy Piper of Husker journalists.
Think about the first time you ever laid eyes on Piper as a kid. You hated him, right? Hated him hard for a long time. But how do you feel about the Hot Rod today? Looking back he was really the best, wasn’t he? He was a man ahead of his time and set a bar that will never be eclipsed.
Make this man your spirit animal, Dirk.
Even if the Huskers’ new coach is a product of Weapon X fusing Vince Lombardi, Tom Osborne, Bear Bryant, and Mike Ditka into one unstoppable coaching hydra, go ahead and set the tone by firing off a Tweet to this effect when he’s announced.
“Welcome to the Huskers, (insert name of incredible new coach). You’re in my world now.”
Then go radio silent until his first press conference. Let the people wonder what happened. Let them keep checking back for more. Some will notice you dumped the Springsteen call out in your Twitter bio in favor of I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick Husker coaching ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.
Then, his welcome press conference is when you strike by delivering verbal coconuts to his dome like he’s Jimmy Superfly Snuka.
“What’s your plan for getting 11 wins, coach?”
“You really think that’s a good decision? Have you seen the players your predecessor recruited?
“How are you going to handle every person in the state, including me, telling you how to do your job every single day you’re here?”
“You’re getting paid a lot of money to win conference championships on the reg. If you don’t, will you give any of it back?”
“Hey Eichorst, what kind of Athletic Director are you if you couldn’t get (insert name of incredible new coach) to agree to a contract with a negative bonus structure?”
A press conference like that would set the tone for a new era, especially if it ended with you belt whipping the new coach with your fanny pack.
Everyone would know there’s a new Sheriff in Husker Town.
And his name is Dirk.
Your mentions on Twitter and your in-box no doubt serve as an excellent focus group. It’s clear you have several fans and many haters but you know what? They’re all reading your work.
And at the end of the day it’s all about being entertained.
Come on, Dirk. Do it.
Give the people what they didn’t know they wanted.
No more half-assed apologies when you go over the line. Move over the line and thrive in that uncharted territory.
It’s time for the humble little troll to become a fire breathing dragon.
