Tag Archives: mike riley

Huskers

An Open Letter to the Criminal Mastermind who Robbed the Foltz Family

Dear Dipshit

Congratulations on successfully claiming the title of the most vile person in the Great State of Nebraska. That’s far from an easy feat to achieve and I commend you for doing so without having resort to violence.

All you had to do was burgle the home of a member of the Foltz family while they were in Lincoln honoring the life of Sam.

Out of all the below-the-belt dirty things a person could do, yours was an act so deep in the depths of wrong that even the most dastardly creative member of the Albanian mafia would have pumped the brakes on that one.

And what did you get? A TV and some tools? What? You didn’t feel like stuffing some silverware in your pockets on your way out?

According to news reports, the total retail value of your haul was around $1,400. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I’ve watched enough episodes of Pawn Stars to know at best you might be able to clear $300 at the expense of committing a crime the entire state (and every college football fan around the country) knows about.

Oh sure. You could have poached those items for personal use but what happens when you have friends over to bask in the glow of your new-to-you TV?

If you’re the type of person who needs to resort to stealing a TV in order to have a TV,  you’re probably not the type who has the money for a new TV in the first place. So how are you going to explain that purchase while the dump you call home is one strong gust of wind away from being scattered around Greeley County?

And the tools, aside from the fact that you stole from someone’s livelihood, at least those are practical things to have. But as many well-rounded guys and ladies know, Snap-on brand tools have a level of cachet far beyond the Kolbat garbage found at Lowe’s. Hand anyone a Snap-on tool and the first thing they always do is admire its precision quality before putting it to use.

So I guess that means you now have a set tools you can never loan anyone or bust out at a workplace (assuming you’re at all employable) since people who work where tools are used love talking about tools. A mystery set of Snap-ons is going to be a hard one to explain because those are kind of tools people don’t find at garage sales.

If there’s one thing Nebraskans love more than the Huskers, it’s gossiping about their neighbors. In a case like yours, the mantra ‘snitches get stitches‘ goes right out the window. The fact that you’re still at large makes me think you acted alone. There’s no way you and an accomplice could have made it past the 24 hour mark without one of you trying to rat out the other the moment you felt the heat of an entire state breathing down your neck.

If anyone finds out there’s even a remote chance you’re the guilty party, you’re gonna be so doomed I almost feel bad laughing at the possibilities. Do you really think the bars of a jail cell are strong enough to protect you from the wrath of a football team, scratch that, an entire state out for a super-sized serving of prairie justice?

Really, you only have two options:

1) Anonymously return everything you stole (leaving it all on the tennis courts across the street from the Greeley County Courthouse would be my easily findable suggestion) and take what you did to your grave.

or

2) Return nothing and take what you did to your grave.

Let’s be honest. What you did was so awful, you’ll want to keep this one to yourself even when a priest is administering your last rites (should you be so lucky to die in an organized fashion) because your second-to-last breath will suddenly be your last.

Nebraskans take a lot of pride in being known the world over as a quality and trusted people.

You, my friend, have violated that trust in the worst possible way and will be paying the price sooner than you think.

Good luck.
Mike Riley - Taken 2Mike Riley’s particular set of skills consists of having a roster of total bad asses that runs 139 people deep.


 

 

 

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Big Ten, Huskers

Sunday Morning Hot Takes: Fresno State Edition

Well, that was certainly a much better way to start a season.

Between the combination of Mike Riley apparently spending his off-season reading each and every one of his emails with a subject header of “Run the damn ball” and Fresno State being Fresno State, the Huskers gave fans exactly what they wanted to see- a dominating victory by the Big Red.

With enough subtle miscues and missed opportunities to have things to complain about, of course.

The Huskers ran the ball 80% of the time and limited Tommy Armstrong to only 10 passing attempts in a throwback to the era of that other Tommie.

Is this a game plan the Huskers will stick with all year? Who knows? It was just great to see they were able to roll Fresno State without having to empty the playbook. The less details that can be revealed to Oregon the better.

Compared to last season, it was so refreshing to be able to kick back and enjoy the game without the possibility of a brutal, gut wrenching last second defeat entering the picture.

Our Californians for Nebraska watch site was packed from wall-to-wall and felt like the first day of school. Conversations from last season picked up right where they left off.  There were handshakes, high fives, and new faces all around.

Husker Crowd
This is only a fraction of the Sea of Red that had gathered in Hollywood for the Huskers’ season opener.

Hopefully the crowds will keep going because November’s showdown with Ohio State will be interesting to say the least.  Our local spot is also an Ohio State bar.

NEW OLD WATCH SITEWhy yes, in LA a $4 Bud Light is considered a good deal.

Look for us on the next episode of the Big Red Cobcast.

Or in jail…

Funny how bogus targeting calls can do that.

Mike Riley’s Balloon Watch:

Mike Riley Happy Balloon
All is well in Lincoln for another week.

Our Score Prediction:

One of Hollywood Blvd’s many Spider-Men made the call.

Spidey’s 42-21 final was averaged out from our predictions in our season preview. Not a bad way to start the season.

The last time Nebraska played Fresno State: We were there in Fresno and crashed the Abdullah family tailgate and wrote about it in one of this site’s first posts. You can take a stroll down Husker memory lane here.

NUMBERS TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH

2: Number of sacks by Dapper Ross Dzuris.

Ross Dzuris
Dapper Ross Dzuris. Let’s make this nickname happen, people.

114: Tommy Armstrong and Ryker Fyfe’s combined passing total was Nebraska’s lowest in a season opener since Jamal Lord(!) threw for 78 yards in the 2003 opener against Oklahoma State. The Huskers won that game 17-7.

103: Devine Ozigbo ran for 103 yards on 17 carries. Last season, the Huskers didn’t have a hundred yard rusher until game seven when Terrell Newby put up 116 against Minnesota.

CORRECTION: Newby went HAM against South Alabama and broke off 198 yards in the second game of last season. Let this be a lesson, kids. Don’t comb trough game stats while you’re still drunk from the game.

8: Chris Jones, number 8 in your program and number 1 in your heart, continued his interception streak that started in the Foster Farms Bowl. Like his pick against UCLA, last night’s also came in the end zone.

51-13: The Huskers’ run to pass ratio. That outta shut up your cranky uncle for at least a day.

0: Number of turnovers committed by the Huskers.

27: The tribute to Sam Foltz  was everything you hoped it would be and then some.  Its poignancy was felt all the way out here in California. As the Huskers lined up in formation for their first punt, fans quickly noticed who was missing and the din of a packed bar instantly went silent.

Sam Foltz JerseyYou’ll always be with Husker Nation, Sam.


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College Football, Huskers

Welcome to the longest night of the year.

Well everyone, we’ve almost made it. One more night to go and we’ll be waking up to our first Husker game day of the season.

We’ve waited so many long, lonely months and now that we’re mere hours away, the suspense is Bo-Pelini-giving-you-a-root-canal excruciating.

Even Larry can’t handle it.

You’d think for a man of his stature, he’d be able to make it McRib season anytime of year, pork future conspiracy theories be damned.

Since we’re all going to be up into the wee hours of the night, alternating between tossing and turning in bed and fighting the desire to run through the nearest wall, we might as well have a little fun.

First up, Tunnel Walk of Shame returned with a brilliant new comic to start the season. If you didn’t read it first thing this morning, go ahead and click that link. This place isn’t going anywhere.

Now, there are going to be many new faces on both sides of the ball. For your convenience, we whipped up some depth charts to help explain who’s who.

DEPTH CHART - OFFENSE.001

And here’s the how the Huskers will be lining up on defense.

DEFENSE DEPTH CHART FINAL.001
If you want to be the hit of your watch party, here are the depth charts as printable PDFs.

DEPTH CHART – OFFENSE

DEPTH CHART – DEFENSE

When I can’t sleep at night, I’m a big fan of falling down the YouTube rabbit hole. If you’re not sick of watching Husker pump up videos (and if you are, what kind of fan you?), we made two, yes two, for this season.

One is a little ridiculous and the other other is a LOT ridiculous. You can decide for yourself which is which.

Just in case you need to wind down after watching those two, here’s one more that’s all Jordan Westerkamp set to the sweet, sweet sounds of Hall and Oates.

Finally, here’s a little lullaby courtesy of the undisputed greatest team in college football history, your 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers.

GBR. It’s going to be a good day tomorrow.

 

 

 

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Big Ten, College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

The Big Red Fury Season Preview: Our Most Optimistic Post of the Year

As the calendar lurches towards the start of the season, each passing day brings fans new reasons for hope or dread as college football prognosticators trot out their previews.

Well, we’ve got nothing but good news and better news for you, dear reader. All three of us here at Big Red Fury summoned the ghosts of football future and came away with a consensus opinion.

The Huskers are going to kick a lot of ass this season.

The only question mark is exactly how much ass will be kicked.

Pour yourself a glass of Kool-aid. You’re going to enjoy this preview.

Game 1: Fresno State – September 3

FRESNO STATE FAN
At least one guy is pumped to be living in the Grand Island of California.

KUBRICKIAN GLEE: Tim DeRuyter got off to an auspicious start as Fresno State’s head coach when he landed in the raisin belt capital back in 2012. He won two straight Mountain West Conference titles while amassing a solid 20-6 record. Since then, Tim’s luck has gone to shit. The Bulldogs are just 9-17 over the last two seasons. You may remember Nebraska terrorizing these bastards on their home turf back in 2014 in a 55-19 waxing. Things aren’t going to get much better for the Bulldogs when FSU hits Lincoln for the season opener. Nebraska 49 Fresno State 10.

TODD MUNSON: It’s not BYU so I’m happy. Does the dad from Orange County Choppers still coach the Bulldogs? Huskers roll 42-17 and give fans visions of somewhere between 1995-1997.

LESLIE MICEK: I think it’s going to be a bigger blowout than 35-14 but I’ll stick with with something more realistic. This is the part of the season where anything is possible. I would have said BYU would have been a blowout last year but then I watched them throw a Hail Mary.

Game 2: Wyoming – September 10

WYOMING FANS
Pull your pants up, son. You’re wearing a bucket, old man.

KG: Right about now Craig Bohl might wonder why he exchanged the dynastic FCS bounty of Fargo, North Dakota for the massive headache of trying to run a Division 1 program out of Laramie, Wyoming. Sure, the scenery beats the hell out of Fargo, but former Husker Bohl had become the Tom Osborne of the NCAA Football Championship Subdivision, forging a run not dissimilar to Nebraska in the mid 1990s. But now? Bohl is the owner of a 6-18 record playing in the God-forsaken Mountain West. Relish those 2015 victories over Nevada and UNLV, Craig, because you and your Cowboys aren’t waking up from your prolonged nightmare any time soon. Nebraska 45 Wyoming 14.

TODD: It’s a rude return to Lincoln for Craig Bohl. Nebraska wins 52-21 in such a convincing fashion that fans will momentarily forget that Oregon is coming to Lincoln the following week.

LESLIE: Wyoming stinks. Huskers win 45-7.

Game 3: Oregon – September 17

Sad Ducks Fans
When your Tinder date turns out to be a juggalo. 

KG: It’s Duck season! Nebraska fans have this date circled on their calendars the day these two teams were scheduled. Some of the luster may have fallen off, though, after the recently mighty Ducks fell back to Earth a little in 2015 with a disappointing (for them) 9-4 campaign. Offensive coordinator Scott Frost’s departure to UCF also saps a little of the intrigue this game had going for it just a year ago. But seeing Mike Riley get a crack at his old in-state nemesis with an arsenal like he’s never had in Corvalis— there’s still plenty to get excited about.

The Ducks, as usual, will be able to put up some points on the Blackshirts. But Oregon’s own defense is a definite liability. Opponents scored an average of 44 points against Oregon in 2015. And most of that personnel returns in 2016. Throw in a questionable quarterback situation (that has former Husker commit Terry Wilson in the mix), and conditions seem favorable for Mike Riley getting a little payback against the old neighborhood bully. Nebraska 42 Oregon 38.

TODD: This game is the only question mark on the Huskers’ home schedule and there’s no middle ground. A win for the Huskers will mean the sky’s the limit for the season (at least until October 29). A loss, no matter how close, will mark the return of  the dark cloud of doom (at least until October 29.) Best case scenario for this game is that Coach Riley channels his inner John Kreese and sweeps the leg for a full 60 minutes. Huskers win 28-24.

LESLIE: I’m glad they don’t have  Vernon Adams or Scott Frost anymore. Easy to root against them again. Huskers. 28-21.

Game 4: at Northwestern – September 24

NORTHWESTERN FANS
A moment of silence for these poor kids who were rejected by Ivy League schools.

KG: Let’s be honest, before Nebraska joined the Big Ten, what would you have predicted Nebraska’s record would be against Northwestern five seasons in if you’d have bothered to even think about it? 5-0? 4-1, allowing for some strange fiasco of an upset somewhere along the way?

Well, Nebraska is now 3-2 in conference vs. Northwestern. And all but one of those games has turned out to be a nail-biter. Last season’s match was one of a gamut of frustrating, heartbreaking losses within the final minute of play, despite Nebraska outmatching the Wildcats in virtually all facets of the game. The difference in that contest (as with most in 2015) was turnovers. Nebraska had just one against Northwestern, but it was a big one — a 72-yard pick-six with just over seven minutes left in the half. Nebraska was marching on that drive and, had Armstrong’s pass gone the other way, it would’ve meant a 17-7 lead that probably wouldn’t have been relinquished. Instead, the Wildcats took a 14-10 advantage, giving them just enough to stave off Nebraska’s control of the game in the second half.

If Armstrong is new and improved in the turnover department, as some observers have said, things probably won’t be quite as rosy for Northwestern this year. Even with the game in Evanston which, let’s be honest, isn’t a particular advantage for the home team. Nebraska 31 Northwestern 21.

TODD: The good thing about playing Northwestern on the road is you don’t have to worry about the Wildcats coming into Lincoln and finding a new way to humiliate the Huskers. Nebraska hasn’t lost at Evanston since 1931 and they won’t do it again this year. Huskers win 31-17.

LESLIE: Not only am I planning on sneaking onto the sidelines again at that embarrassment that they call Ryan Field, I’m planning on dancing after a bunch of touchdowns. Huskers 34-does it even matter? Northwestern is losing.

Game 5: Illinois – October 1

ILLINOIS FANS
Sorry, Chief. Lovie Smith won’t save your Illini from another horrible season.

KG: Prior to the Purdue debacle, Illinois was the absolute nadir of Nebraska’s season in 2015. I still boil with anger when I recall the manner in which Nebraska squandered a 13-0 4th quarter lead only to lose in the final ten damn seconds. It was like watching the scene in Austin Powers when the security guard screamed for a solid 60 seconds as Powers’ steamroller inched toward him. All he had to do. All Nebraska had to do. Was step out of the way.

When the Illini come to Lincoln this year, expect something more akin to the Pelini-era outcomes. Nebraska 49 Illinois 17

TODD: Just to prove that last season was a total aberration, the Huskers should run the ball every time they face a 3rd & 7 and rack up 150+ bonus yards in the process. Chief Illiniwek gets wrecked 42-10.

LESLIE: I’m worried because Illinois will be coming off a bye week and I’m just kidding. Huskers 31-14.

Bye week – October 8

KG: I’ll be driving the choo-choo at Vala’s Pumpkin Patch.

TODD: Do some yard work. Reintroduce yourself to your family.

LESLIE: I predict Nebraska will win.

Game 6: at Indiana – October 15

INDIANA
A capacity crowd was on-hand for Indiana’s season opener last year.

KG: One of the most intriguing matches of 2016 is Nebraska’s trip to Bloomington. The Hoosiers have the most statistically dominant offense in the Big Ten — although, talent-wise, that title probably should go to Ohio State. Nonetheless, Indiana can put up some points and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Just ask the 2014 SEC East champions, Missouri. The Tigers fell to Indiana 31-27. On the heels of an Indiana loss to Bowling Green, too. 

The Hoosiers will be game for a basketball-type score (what else would you expect), but Nebraska should have no trouble tearing through Indiana’s defense. This one is going to be a track meet (and a little too close for comfort) but I see Nebraska pulling it out. Nebraska 41 Indiana 34. 

TODD: This is Nebraska’s sixth season as a member of the Big Ten and it’s their first time squaring off against Indiana as a conference opponent. Your days of dodging the Big Red are over, Indiana. Huskers win 55-21.

LESLIE: A battle to the death of two teams coming off 6-7 records. Only difference is that Nebraska is a lot better than their record shows. Also, Indiana plays Ohio St. the week before and Nebraska comes off a bye. Sorry, Indiana. Huskers 45-17.

Game 7: Purdue – October 22

PURDUEPhotos of Purdue fans do not exist on the internet so here are some Indiana fans insulting the ladies of Purdue.

KG: Revenge will be at hand. Purdue is the worst team in the Big Ten and they will come to Lincoln having poked the gorilla with its ridiculous 55-45 win last year. Look for Nebraska to eliminate the five turnovers that turned last season’s match into an embarrassment. Nebraska 49 Purdue 17.

TODD: The Huskers should save the Boliermakers the trouble of a road trip and just schedule an Indiana/Purdue double header the week before. Or, they could give Tommy the week off and let Ryker start so he can get chance at cold-blooded revenge. Huskers win 38-24.

LESLIE: Goals for the Purdue game this year: under 4 interceptions, rush more than 77 yards, and win. Simple. Huskers 37-14.

Game 8: at Wisconsin – October 29

badgersfansWisconsin fans are creeps.

KG: Quick trivia question: What is Nebraska’s combined record vs. Big Ten juggernauts Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State and Penn State?

Is it a) 4-10 or b) 10-4?

If you said “b” 10-4, give yourself a cigar! This cherry-picked bit of knowledge belies the notion that Nebraska has struggled in its time in the Big Ten. Nebraska has, in fact, posted the 4th best league record since joining the conference in 2011. While it hasn’t quite hit the mark that most Husker fans anticipated heading in to the Big Ten, Nebraska has held its own in virtually every category. Except one.

Playing Wisconsin.

Oy. I wonder if Barry Alvarez has any mixed emotions seeing the Monster of Madison he created bat his alma mater around like Lennie Small petting a scared bunny. While Mike Riley’s Huskers did a great job of not allowing the Badgers to embarrass Nebraska (in a way Pelini rarely could), the last second loss was still among the hardest to stomach in 2015. Andy Janovich’s 55-yard burst up the middle in the waning minutes of the game had Husker fans believing the Wisconsin demon had been exorcised. But no, the Cheesehead Linda Blair had one more gullet of projectile vomit to spew in our collective faces.

It will be tough. But I think Nebraska goes to Madison and takes care of business. It helps that Wisconsin, I believe, is on a slow downtick from its respectable run of the last decade. Nebraska 28 Wisconsin 24.

TODD: Welcome to the first installment of the most terrifying two weeks of the season. Since joining the Big Ten, the Huskers’ average margin of defeat when playing at Madison has been a robust 33 points. For the sake of it being August and all, I’ll go out on a limb and say Mike Riley delivers an eat shit and FU of his own to the troglodytes who call themselves Badger fans. Huskers 24 Badgers 21.

LESLIE: Don’t be scared, Todd. The Blackshirts won’t be. Huskers 24-17.

Game 9: at Ohio State – November 5

columbusriot1
This is what happens when Columbus runs out of Cincinnati Chili.

KG: Ohio State. What’s there to say, really? Urban Meyer scares the shit out of me. And so does the talent level in Columbus. Still, in this age of parity, no team is absolutely invincible. Nebraska will get beat in The Horseshoe. But make no mistake, Riley and his squad will make a game of it. Nebraska 28 Ohio State 34.

TODD: If you’re traveling to this game, here are two things to know: 1) It’s only 175 miles from Columbus to Youngstown and 2) Bo Pelini and his Penguins will be playing on the road at North Dakota St. If you regret not egging his house when he lived in Lincoln, this is your big chance to make amends and give yourself at least one thing you’ll want to remember because I don’t see how the Huskers can escape that burning couch of a state with a win. Ohio State 35 Nebraska 21.

LESLIE: Todd doesn’t seem to understand that it’s August and this is the time right after depression and right before reality. The perfect time for optimism. The Huskers are going to walk right into that dump called Ohio Stadium and make that WR coach Zach Smith want to delete his twitter account. I hope they pass the ball 100% of the time and win so we can all tag him with the #Shhh hashtag that he loves so much. Westerkamp, DPE, Reilly, and Stan the Man are gonna get savage all up in Coach Smith’s face. Honest to god, I hate that guy. Shut him the hell up. Huskers 28-21.

Game 10: Minnesota – November 12

sel 4078Minnesota Nebraska
If you don’t have enough fans who are willing to spell out your team’s name, you don’t deserve to have a team.

KG: Jerry Kill had a remarkable run at Minnesota, moving the Gophers from an after-thought to a solid middle-of-the-conference program. I genuinely feel bad for Jerry and his health issues. But I’m not sorry to see him absent from the opposite sideline of Nebraska. The Husker dominance of Minnesota resumed in 2015. Onward. Nebraska 45 Minnesota 21.

TODD: A week of many hack Caddyshack jokes being made by this site culminates with the Huskers starting a new win streak at the expense of the Gophers who will find themselves hiding near the bottom of the Big Ten West standings. Huskers win 31-17.

LESLIE: If the Huskers could beat you last year, they can definitely beat you this year. Huskers 55-21.

Game 11: Maryland – November 19

MARYLAND FANS
Supposedly this is what Maryland fans look like.

KG: Maryland and Nebraska meet for the first time ever in Memorial Stadium. Since the two teams are unfamiliar with each other, it’s good news for Nebraska that the Terps are about as intimidating as a squad of actual turtles. Nebraska 51 Maryland 24

TODD: You might remember Maryland as the team who had those atrocious uniforms a couple seasons back, or for their most famous alumni (Shawne Merriman) dating Tila Tequila. If you need to use this weekend to prep for Thanksgiving you’re in luck. This game won’t be close. Huskers 42 Maryland 20.

LESLIE: Three wins last year? Good lord. Stick to basketball, Maryland. Huskers win by a billion.

Game 12: at Iowa – November 25

IOWA FANS
When Iowa fans realize their welfare checks aren’t big enough to cover Powerball tickets or an oil vaporizer pen and the Vape juice.

KG: The worst 12-0 regular season program I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing take the gridiron. As snake-bit as Nebraska was in 2015, Iowa was itself holding aces all season. But both teams showed their true colors in bowl games — a solid 37-29 victory over UCLA by Nebraska (a healthy margin that, quite frankly could’ve been even healthier) and a 45-16 ass shellacking of Iowa by Stanford in the Rose Bowl. Iowa made rings to mark their 12-0 regular season accomplishment. Good for them. Fucking losers. Nebraska 45 Iowa 10.

TODD: Mike Riley puts the exclamation point on #IOWAHATEWEEK by stealing the keys to Herky Hawkey’s El Camino and burning some donuts on the 50 yard line of Kinnick Stadium following a Huskers blowout victory.  Huskers win 38-14.

LESLIE: If I was running things, Iowa would have to sit out a year for that Rose Bowl performance. But since it doesn’t look like that is going to happen, Nebraska is going to have to play them. Unlike last season, Iowa actually has to play some real teams before Nebraska, so there is no chance they go into this undefeated again. As you can tell, I actually have the opposite. Nebraska is going in there undefeated this year and kicking some Iowa ass. Leave me alone. A person can dream. Huskers 21-17.

(But for real, watching Iowa collapse at the Rose Bowl was the highlight of last season.)

Final regular season tally:

KG: Huskers go 11-1 with a loss to Ohio State.
TODD: Same.
LESLIE: Huskers run the table and go 12-0.

Remember, what you just read is published on the internet, so you know it’s true. GBR.

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College Football, Huskers

Hey K-Dubs, Here’s Your Guide to Watching Husker Games at Home

Good news, everyone! Keith Williams didn’t get fired.

From what I’ve been able to decipher through the flurry of tweets leading to stories blocked by paywalls, K-Dubs will remain suspended without pay through August 31 and won’t be attending the first four games in any capacity.

Games three and four, as you may know, are Oregon and at Northwestern. Good thing being good at catching the ball has never been important when playing the Wildcats.

In the interim, Mark Philipp can double up as strength and receivers coach. We all know that K-Dubs has ingrained such a T-1000 level of  killer technique in his receivers that the only coaching they’ll need in his absence are occasional subtle, yet stern reminders to not drop the ball.

And who’s better to do that than a guy who could rip you in half?

Mark Philipp
Mark Philipp, a guy who could rip you in half.

Now that we’ve solved the temporary coaching crisis, let’s move on to the topic at hand.

The stark reality is that K-Dubs has probably never watched a Husker game at home. Up until last season, he never had a connection to the team and before that, the guy was busy doing football stuff with other teams. Best case, he might have randomly caught one between 1997 and 2000 when he was out of football according to his bio.

OK K-Dubs, here’s how you Husker like you’re one of us.

STEP 1: STAY THE F HOME

Don’t go try to crash some tailgates or check out the scene at the Railyard. As much fun as it is to be a fan, you need keep a low profile, my friend. The last thing you want to do is wander through someone’s Snapchat story.

STEP 2: FOOD 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T ORDER A PIZZA. Everyone and their brother who isn’t at the game will all have the same brilliant idea to order a pizza. If you’re lucky (which, let’s face it, you are and we’re glad), it will show up in the middle of the third quarter but if your luck has run out, expect to see it on your porch by Sunday morning.

But what you want to do is bribe your extraordinarily understanding and loving wife with whatever it takes for her to swing by the nearest Runza drive-thru for you and pick up a few of Nebraska’s greatest sandwiches that can’t really be classified as sandwiches.

(My inner-fat kid also suggests stopping by Taco John’s for some Potato Olés to cross the streams of Nebraska deliciousness but we won’t press our luck. Runzas will have to do.)

runza-largeThe venerable Runza.

To go with your Runzas, you’ll need some sodas, maybe some sparkling water, and a party tray of carrots, celery, etc. If you need to stress eat, you might as well try to be healthy about it.

STEP 3: THE TV

Bigger and high-def’er is always better but as any Husker fan in the western reaches of the 308 will tell you, a Husker game can be just as stressful and exciting when you’re listening to it on a crackling radio while on the edge of your seat in a combine (the tractor, not football kind). But you’re city folk, so you can get the best of both worlds: TV and Radio.

Download the official Huskers app so you can stream the radio broadcast instead of listening the schlubs on TV drone on about Tommy and Jordan being roommates. Spend the first couple minutes of the game synchronizing the stream to your TV. It takes a little trial and error but once you get it locked in DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.

One last important detail, make sure your cable package has the Big Ten Network. If you need a password to watch online, hit me up. You can use the one I borrowed.

STEP 4: YELLING AT THE TV

Since you’ll be streaming the radio broadcast, you can pop-in your ear buds and have the TV on mute. Your wife will love you for that but what she won’t love is the inevitable screaming and yelling.

You have three options to prepare for this:

1. Treat your extraordinarily understanding and loving wife (and however many friends she’d like to bring along) to a spa day. (After she picks up your Runzas, of course.)

2.  Buy a screamin’ pillow to muffle the sound. Scream PillowThis is pretty self-explanatory.

3. Adopt a kitten. Todd and WillardThe calmest Husker game of my life took place on October 30, 2010, mere days after Willard was sprung from the pound. It also helped that the first quarter ended with the Huskers up 24 – 0 over Missouri thanks to Roy Helu Jr. running wild.

STEP 5: SOCIAL MEDIA

Think of this as the digital version of strolling through the Big Red Sea of tailgaters. No matter how hard you’re tempted, DON’T TWEET DURING THE GAME. It will just open the doors to trolls and you really don’t need to give that butthole coach at Ohio State a reason to be a bigger butthole.

What you can do, and I highly recommend it, is slide into the game thread on Huskermax. You don’t need to be a member unless you want to comment. Depending on what exactly you read though, you might want to become a member just so you can cool off some of the inevitable the-sky-is-falling hot takes and conspiracy theories. Seriously, bro. It’s like that every game.

Welcome to the other side of Husker Nation, K-Dubs. While it will be nice to have you among us, we can’t wait to see you back on the field.

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

We’re doomed anyway so we might as well win.

Here are a couple dates to chew on.

January 9, 2017: The College Football Playoff National Championship Game will be played in Tampa, Florida.

January 20, 2017: The 45th President of the United States of America will be sworn into office.

No matter which way you swing on the political spectrum, one thing we can probably all agree on is that this country seems to be spiraling towards an embarrassing face plant faster than an Iowa fan on her 21st birthday.

No matter whose hand is on that bible this January, be it a very tiny one that’s never seen a hard day’s work or a normal-size paw that lacks the motor skills to properly send an email, there’s a good chance President Camacho will be their successor.

So what’s all this mean to Husker Nation?

Well, if we want to see a day when the Huskers return to national dominance, they should probably work on that sooner rather than later.

Best worst case scenario, a National Championship this year would give us a 11 solid days to celebrate before we have to start living under a cloud of worry about the Commander-in-Chief’s stubby little finger accidentally launching a nuke instead of firing off a late night rage tweet.

Even if that doesn’t happen, what are we, five to ten years away from tackle football going the way of the lawn dart? Unless someone can clone Teddy Roosevelt STAT, football as we know and love it will be changing. Wouldn’t it be great if the Huskers could win one more championship before sport becomes as hard hitting as a game of quidditch?

On that uplifting note, the good news is that if you play (or go through life) like you’ve got nothing to lose, you’re going to win. The scoreboard might not always agree with that philosophy but at least you can sleep well at night knowing you gave it your best.

In the case of Mike Riley, his career head coaching record might stand at a humble 153 – 151 but entering his second year at Nebraska, it’s a safe bet that the win column is going to start shooting up at a faster clip. Over the course of this off-season, it seemed like he realized he’s playing with house money and is using that giant stack of chips to build something great.

To paraphrase the life motto of the late, great Lemmy Kilmister from the legendary band Motörhead, Riley may have seemingly been born to lose but right now he’s living to win.

A coach who’s supposedly in the “twilight” of his career wouldn’t be spending his summer criss-crossing the country or waking up at the stroke of midnight to retweet recruits. Much like Lemmy being on tour barely two weeks before he dropped dead from an undiscovered brain tumor, Riley is not slowing down as his golden years are fast approaching. Lemmy went out as the undisputed most rock n’ roll bad ass to walk the Earth and Riley is setting the table to walk into the sunset with a powerful legacy of his own left in his wake.

Don’t be shocked when he cranks up his win total by 11 this season.

OK Huskers, it’s time to get out on that field and snap some necks and cash some stipend checks.

Mike Riley and LemmyHusker head coach Mike Riley (left) and Motörhead’s Lemmy Kilmister (right). Two disparate dudes with nothing in common but a burning passion for their life’s work.

https://youtu.be/snyjRd93HBs

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Big Ten, Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Meet Our New Contributor Leslie Micek

Hey there, remember us? Hope so because our off-season hiatus is back off, again. We trust you’ve been having a great summer, staying cool, never changing, and catching a boatload of that Pokéyman.

Before we resume our usual Husker high jinks, we’d like to introduce you to Leslie Micek, a five star recruit who’s joining the Big Red Fury squad this season.

If you’re a regular participant in #Huskers Twitter, there’s a good chance you’ve seen her hot takes and observations on game day. If you haven’t, follow her here. Leslie is a world-class smart-ass, probably knows more about the Huskers (and sports in general) than you do, and can pound Bud Heavies with the best of them. (Actually, she’d probably put you under the table.)

Since there’s really no way to improve upon an intro like that, let’s get to her interview.

You hail from the land of Kool-Aid, aka Hastings, aka Tom Osborne’s hometown. What was it like growing up in the southern corner of the golden triangle that is Nebraska’s tri-cities area? 

Perfect. Nebraska is a great place to be a kid, you can always be outside with a relatively low chance of finding any real trouble. I played with a lot of fireworks, rode my bike a lot, and constantly bothered all of the neighbors. I moved in 3rd grade, but my dad still lives there so I go back a lot and do Nebraska things like go fishing and attempt to learn how to play pitch. Not many people can say they were at the very first Kool-Aid Days back in 1997 (or something like that). And yes, that’s a real thing.

Leslie Micek
Leslie Micek, Husker fan, catcher of delicious bass.

What’s your earliest Husker memory? 

Winning. The teams of the mid 90s set me up for a lifetime full of disappointment. Thanks a lot, Tommie Frazier. Sometimes I get on YouTube and watch things like this- –

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d98gjoLv-m0

–it doesn’t help. I think I thought Nebraska was supposed to play in the championship every year. I mean, they are supposed to, they just don’t.

What’s your all-time favorite moment in your history as a Husker fan? 

A couple of years ago I sneaked onto the sidelines of a game at Northwestern. My friends had media passes and passed one back to me. I got to witness my boys Ameer and Randy Gregory up close and personal. It was awesome, until they figured out at the end of the third quarter that I wasn’t supposed to be there and kicked me out. I tried to say I lost my badge but the security guy wasn’t having it. It was just fun to know that I could yell at Bo if I chose to…I didn’t. By the way, that Northwestern stadium is pathetic.

Leslie
Not many fans can say they’ve had a Husker coach send them their own HUDL highlight of their sideline freakout. See if you can spot Leslie going nuts at Northwestern.

What’s the one loss that still sticks in your craw the most? 

One?? Besides the obvious big losses, some personal memories have to include that very special BYU game last year. I decided last minute to go with my mom. I needed to be part of Mike Riley’s first game. I needed to be there. I did not need to see that BYU Hail Mary. Also, a special memory from the UCLA game in 2013 taught me to never make fun of my friends and their team until the game is over. The 18 point comeback by UCLA was brutal, I ended up being at Barney’s Beanery in West Hollywood from 9am-2am that day.

EDITOR’S NOTE: That’s a 17 hour(!) shift at a sports bar.

Who’s your all-time favorite player?

I’m bad at favorites. I would say either Tommie Frazier or Lawrence Phillips. There is a video compilation on YouTube of Lawrence Phillips running all over everybody for like 5 minutes.

He was just unreal. His story is heartbreaking but I find it very interesting. I think he is tied to be my favorite but he is the most interesting to me. Hope the upcoming 30 for 30 does his story some justice because I don’t think people know or understand the whole story of his life.

What’s your outlook for this season? Do Mike Riley and company have you feeling optimistic? 

HCMR and Co. have me pumped. They are recruiting really well and the energy is contagious. As Phil Steele said, the Huskers were 5 plays away from being 11-2 last season and has them as his No. 2 most improved team this season. To be honest it’s the best time of the year, the time to be delusional and say the Huskers are going undefeated. Everybody tweet to me after the Huskers first loss and remind me that I’m a moron (but I see them at least getting to the playoffs, their schedule is pretty good, minus the Ohio State part).

What are your feelings on the phrase “Run the damn ball?” 

I scream it at my TV enough that I suppose I like it.

You went to a “certain college” that was a former conference rival to Nebraska. You don’t have to name it, but was it like being a Husker fan behind enemy lines?

It was always fun to bring people from the school that will not be named to Nebraska for the games. They knew I wasn’t there permanently and referred to me as a tourist. I enjoyed showing them around Lincoln and introducing them to my Nebraska friends, and of course the local Runza. They always had a good time and the trips usually ended with us staying awake in the Cap City long enough to see the sunrise. It was quite a different experience for Nebraska fans making the trip to Columbia, they have some unwelcoming fans. I remember a story about some Mizzou fans letting all the air out of some Nebraska fans tires.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Um, I think you just named the school. 

Rank the following Big Ten teams from least to most hated: Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Northwestern, Ohio State, Penn State, Wisconsin. 

1.Ohio State
1.Michigan
1.Michigan State
1.Wisconsin
1.Northwestern
1.Penn State
1.Iowa 

I’m an equal opportunity hater. I hate them all. Also, I have never understood the root for your conference stuff. If Nebraska loses, why do I want their competition to win? No thanks. Sorry to break it to Ohio State, but I will never be cheering for them.

Which one of the following Husker media types would you most like to have a beer with? Dirk Chatelain, Sam McKewon, Mike’l Severe, Tom Shatel, Steven M. Sipple.

Probably Tom Shatel because I don’t follow him so he hasn’t gotten on my nerves yet.

You’re one of the fortunate people who can claim being both a Husker fan and a Dodger fan. How would you say the two fan bases compare? 

I think they both are similar because they have very dedicated and loyal fan bases. It’s pretty easy to be dedicated for 12 games a season for football fans but I meet Dodger fans that watch 162 games a season. I would like to think that’s what Husker fans would be like if there were that many games. They are both also very knowledgeable fan bases. I think Husker fans know more than the average football fans, especially regarding recruiting. Dodger fans are the same way, they are very educated about their team and their opponents.

I’ve always thought of LA as sort of like a United Nations of college football where you’ll go to a bar and see many different colleges represented. Is there a school’s fans that you find almost likable and is there a group that you find completely obnoxious?

 I don’t know about a likable fan base but as soon as I thought of an obnoxious and unlikable fan base, my first thought was The U. They are all unbearable.

 How would you say the overall college football knowledge base of an average Nebraska fan compares to other college football fans? 

Husker fans blow everybody else out of the water in the category. I don’t know a lot of other fans that follow the recruiting process so closely. When I talk to other college football fans they don’t usually know who they are after and don’t attend any of the camps. Nebraska fans are big football dorks and will attend almost anything. I drove an hour and a half and through a fire in Calabasas to a Nebraska satellite camp last month and didn’t think twice. But speaking of recruits… Darnay Holmes, please come to Nebraska.

On those rare occasions that Nebraska loses, what’s your mood like after a game? How long does it take you to recover? 

Such a rare occurrence that I can’t remember the last time that happened. But for future reference, nobody should contact me the rest of the day.

Who’s your number one QB if you’re building a team? Tommy Armstrong, Eric Crouch, Tommie Frazier, Joe Ganz, Taylor Martinez.

You go Tommie Frazier 100% of the time. As Tommie Frazier says “T Fraz, he was too smooth, he was too fast” in this classic rap song by Terrel Farley and Tommie Frazier:

Would you rather have one Ndamukong Suh or two Peter brothers anchoring a defensive line? 

It’s had to turn down two DTs on the greatest college football team of all time, but when Suh is the other option. You pick Suh. Plus he is the size of two people but only one scholarship. That’s a bargain.

Amigos or Taco John’s? And what’s your go-to order? 

Amigos. I love their chips and cheese and their crisp meat. The crisp meat is like a crispito from school lunches, I’m sure nobody will know what that is either. But I could really go for some Potato Olés right now.

How would you explain a Runza to someone who’s never heard of one? 

This actually comes up a lot. I say its kind of like a cheeseburger baked into a roll. But better. Then I just usually talk about the mini corndogs and fries and people are on board.

Finally, let’s say you have a Kool-Aid stand out in the desert and from over a sand dune appears Bo Pelini, He’s been lost and wandering for days. How much would you charge him for an ice cold and refreshing glass of Kool-Aid? (Hypothetically, you’d have a square reader and he’d have a black AMEX.) 

 He better hope there is another Kool-Aid stand around.

Leslie Kool-Aid Stand
That’s right, Bo. Keep steppin’.

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College Football, Huskers, View From the Boneyard

View from The Boneyard: Spring Game

There’s something about things coming to an end that always gets me. It’s been nostalgia overkill as my classes, newscasts, and now column are all coming to an end. But what better way to go out than with 73,000 of my closest friends at Memorial Stadium?

Apparently my senior slide is kicking in more than I thought, considering we didn’t even leave our apartment until an hour before kickoff. I hadn’t left this close to kickoff since I was a confused freshman on my first game day and somehow ended up lost in the middle of the East Stadium student section.

This was my first Spring Game as a fan in a few years, since I’ve had a few opportunities to watch previous games in the press box and on the sidelines. Funny how the one year that I probably *should* be in the press box, I’m not.

Luckily for us, our tried-and-true seats in the front were open for us when we got there. Maybe it’s because people know they’re our spots and want to be courteous. Or (more likely) they remember us and want nothing to do with us. Either way, we were thankful.

spring game 2
The Huskers come out of the tunnel for the first time in 2016.

Every year that I’ve been at UNL, something big has happened at the Spring Game. First it was Jack scoring his touchdown, then the infamous year of Bo and his cat, and finally, the introduction of Mike Riley to Memorial Stadium. This year, however, I almost felt like I was waiting for something big to happen the entire time. When the game proved to be exactly what was advertised—an open practice—I almost felt let down.

I mean, the football part of it all was exciting. From cheering on the new guys to missing the former seniors, the Boneyard had fun going through all of their game day traditions. Well, except the few older fans sitting in our section, who decided to complain about all of us standing during the game. Sorry, were you lost?

While I love watching football, I can’t get over how confused I get with the spring game scoring. Thankfully for people like me, they keep the scoring rules on the HuskerVision screen throughout the game so everyone can follow along. It did lead to the Blackshirts getting the win with an interception at the end of the game, which was pretty cool.

But my final time as a student in Memorial Stadium made me realize that there’s soon going to be a new group of young, confused freshmen and transfer students that don’t know the ways of the Boneyard, much like I didn’t (hence me getting lost in the completely wrong section). So let me be your honorary older sister and learn from my mistakes.

First, and this goes without saying, wear Husker red. I thought this was such a given until I see fans walking by wearing other B1G apparel, Blackhawks jerseys, or other non-Husker-related apparel. Unless it’s one of the Boneyard advertised blackouts, then forget what the older fans say and wear black. Please.

Next, just have fun and participate in whatever is going around you in the Boneyard. Our student section has so many fun traditions, so just go with the flow. You’re not going to look stupid, trust me. We all look stupid together, so it’s okay.

I know that this is a personal preference of mine, but if I’ve been given this soapbox to stand on, you bet I’m gonna get on it and voice my opinion. Please don’t boo the other team when they run on the field. Husker fans are some of the greatest in college football, so keep the booing to the officials and their calls—they’re the ones getting [over]paid.

Also, don’t be that dick that shows up way too drunk to function. Not only is it going to be difficult for you, but nobody wants to deal with someone falling into them or vomiting or anything like that. If you’re that drunk, just stay wherever you are and watch the game there—you won’t remember the difference, anyway.

But finally—contrary to everything I just said—don’t let anyone tell you how to cheer for your team. I’ve had plenty of people tell me I can’t be a Husker fan because I wasn’t born and raised in Nebraska. I’ve heard that I’m not a true fan because, since I’m used to being on the media side of it all, I don’t always scream and cheer at every play; I’m pretty content with watching many games with a pretty straight face and some polite clapping. But then again, I can also be that obnoxious fan running up and down the aisles making fun of the other team (just kidding mom, I would never do that). Just do you.

OK, sentimental stuff over. I had already gotten all weepy and sad after the Iowa game (both because of the game and because of senior year), so it was a lot easier to say goodbye after the game was over. Or maybe it was because I was promised nachos after we left. Either way, a lot fewer tears leaving Memorial Stadium this time around.

Overall, it’s been a fun senior year. Go Big Red, see you all next season.

Hayley Archer is a senior Broadcasting major at UNL. Follow her on Twitter at @Harchinator.

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College Football, Huskers

SPRING GAME INVESTIGATION: Who Was the Fan in the Dick Shirt?

Nebraska’s 2016 Spring Game went off without a hitch, except of course for that part where the Big Ten Network apparently only planned on broadcasting three quarters of football, causing fans at home to miss the debut of Patrick O’Brien.

But who am I to complain? Until yesterday morning, the Big Ten Network and (most importantly) BTN2GO was far, far out reach.

Let’s just say that dreams come true when you work hard and pray to the Twitter gods .

As a freshly minted Big Ten Network subscriber, words can’t begin to describe the joy of spending a gorgeous April afternoon indoors to watch the Huskers’ Spring Game.

What a sight it was to behold: The Sea of Red. Tommy’s YOLObombs. Running backs who look legit. That last remaining Cotton kid doing his family proud. Mike Riley standing on the sidelines looking like he might say something.

And if that wasn’t enough, there was a fan in a dick shirt.

Yes. A dick shirt.

Late in the 3rd quarter (or close to quittin’ time according BTN’s clock) the live-stream cut to senior safety Nate Gerry on the sideline talking to a fan.

Husker fan in Dick Shirt 2

While one could arguably look past the fact that an adult (fans gonna fan) was monopolizing Gerry’s time while a group of young Huskers were eager to bask in his presence, it was impossible to look past the hefty dick drawn across the left shoulder of his shirt.

Here’s a closer look.Dick Shirt Close Up

Dick Shirt Close Up
There’s no doubt that’s a dick and if you look close, it appears that someone had the honor of signing the shaft.

Four seconds later, our anonymous Husker fan goes for the kill and asks Gerry to sign his dick shirt.

Husker Fan in Dick Shirt 3
“Whoa. Bane’s really gonna sign your dick shirt!”

Husker Fan in Dick Shirt 1Meanwhile, another fan peers over dick shirt’s shoulder like Maynard during the gimp scene in Pulp Fiction.

Husker Fan in Dick Shirt 5Little Ameer realizes where this is headed and peaces out. Good work, kid.

It was at this moment the BTN’s feed cut back to the action on the field. Apparently showing a dick shirt signing all the way to completion was far too racy even for the internet.

Still,  questions remain.

Did Nate Gerry fulfill the fan’s request? In the last screen grab he wears the expression of someone who grudgingly realizes he’s about to sign a dick shirt.

Why was the fan wearing a dick shirt in the first place? Bachelor party? Look close at his hat. It the puffy paint doesn’t look like it spells out “GROOM.”

Was it Mardi Gras in April? That would explain the beads but how did he earn those beads?

Did he lose a bet?

Who else signed his dick shirt? In the screen grabs at 5:24 and 5:20 it looks like there are several other autographs on the torso. Or is that his shopping list for when he runs to the store after the game?

Someone out there has to know this guy and his story.

Help a slightly better than average Husker blog out. Give us some details about this mystery man.

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College Football, Huskers

Did Larry the Cable Guy Predict Keyshawn Johnson Jr. Committing to the Huskers?

After months of suspense, Keyshawn Johnson Jr. announced his commitment to play football at the University of Nebraska.

Considering his half-dozen visits to Lincoln, his decision shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise but seconds after Keyshawn’s video hit the Twitter, you could hear the fragile psyche of Husker Nation writhing in agony as USC, Alabama, Clemson, and Ohio State logos made cameos. In the end, the Huskers were the last logo standing and the Big Red faithful breathed a sigh of relief.

Me? I was far from worried because Larry the Cable Guy was there to give me a virtual shoulder rub and whisper reassuring words in my ear.

Allow me to explain.

Like any semi-worthwhile blogger, I was up (a full hour before my usual waking time, BTW) ready and waiting for the big announcement. As the seconds ticked towards zero hour, my big dilemma was selecting the perfect reaction to whatever Keyshawn decided.

The finalists on the he-chose-wisely-and-picked-Nebraska side were Rodney Dangerfield’s Al Czervik announcing We’re all gonna get laid. Or Sean Penn’s Jeff Spicoli saying Hey bud, let’s party, because nothing screams relevance like 35-year-old movie quotes.

In the end, Spicoli was the winner and a sign from the football gods that Keyshawn would be choosing wisely was sent in the form of good ol’ Larry.

Playing ahead of the Spicoli clip on YouTube was an ad for Prilosec OTC that featured Larry up to his usual shenanigans in promoting heartburn relief. If arguably the most well-known Husker fan (sorry, Gabrielle) isn’t a harbinger of Husker good fortune than I don’t know what is.

Larry the Cable Guy Keyshawn
Actual screengrab from the clip used to announce Keyshawn’s decision to play at Nebraska.

Welcome to Husker Nation, Keyshawn. We’ll see you next year.

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