Nothing says off-season like waking up on a Saturday morning to find out a Husker has been busted for something stupid.

And the stupid isn’t necessarily the act, but sum of all parts.

Today it was revealed that another football player was cited for having a small amount of that wacky tobacky. Two things to note: 1) If you’re a Husker fan with a pulse, you should know who I’m talking about. 2) I’m not naming names because the last thing these kids need is another google search result. And besides, we’re not thirsty for clicks.

Without sparking a debate about the alleged dangers of smoking marijuana, the reason why it’s now legal in varying degrees in 29 states (including Alaska and Montana so you can’t say it’s just the damn hippies) is because people have started to figure out that it’s not exactly the devil’s weed you learned about in health class. It’s not that dangerous.

Granted, there’s that odd occasion where you run into your rock star buddy (who gets his weed from the same source as Snoop Dogg) in a Trader Joe’s parking lot and next thing you know you’re wandering the aisles for the next hour and roll up to check out with a cart full of nothing but an empty bag of chips and a tub of guacamole that’s been scraped clean. The biggest danger in that situation is coming home and facing the wrath of your lovely wife after you went to the store and plum forgot to buy groceries, even though she gave you a very detailed list. Not that I ever did this.

Here in LA, marijuana use is so ubiquitous that you can catch whiffs of the sticky icky wherever you go in public. It’s kinda like being back home in my native GI but instead of the stench of burning carcasses from the meat packing plant, you know someone nearby is smoking weed but you can’t tell who since everyone is staring at their phones. In fact, if you called the police to report such a thing, they will laugh at you and hang up the phone.

But back in Nebraska, the campus police will show right up if an over-eager RA thinks someone in their dorm has lit up a doob.

The best advice my dear mother has ever given me is that something is only illegal if you get caught.

So with that in mind, here’s how enjoy weed in your dorm room and (most likely) not get caught.

1. Know thy neighbor. Are they cool? As in do they know and respect the unspoken rule that snitches get stitches? Even squares can be cool enough to look the other way but a snitch can never be trusted.

2. Embrace modern innovations. Weed pens and edibles might not be as exciting as pulling a monster bong rip in while sunk deep into a bean bag chair but they sure are stealthy. I don’t know if dabs are easy to find in the Cornhusker state but I do know it’s pretty easy to fly the friendly skies with a stash of edibles in your carry-on bag. Just make sure to you peel off any incriminating labels before traveling with your snacks.

3. Dryer sheets are your best friend. If lack of the aforementioned modern innovations means you have to smoke weed the old fashioned way, stuff a bunch of dryer sheets (your mom put a box into your laundry supplies) into a paper towel tube and exhale your ginormous hit through a tunnel of static cling prevention. There will still be smoke but it will smell April fresh and you don’t have to worry about it wafting out the door because you already laid down a damp towel, right? Do these two things and you’re going to have to try really hard to get caught. This technique never failed in an entire year of #dormlife.

And this is where I’d like to point out I didn’t mention air freshener because if you’re not smart enough to know that one on your own you shouldn’t be smoking anything.

4. Chill, bros. Watching Wheel of Fortune while being high enough to solve the puzzles before Pat Sajak even drops a clue is exciting shit, especially when half your floor is packed into your dorm room but keep the volume to a manageable, polite level. When you’re doing something illegal, it’s best to not do anything that draws attention.

5. Keep your stash stashed. If you you ain’t using it, keep it hidden. I knew a kid in the dorms who always left his bong on his desk and often kept his door open for visitors. Or for campus police officers doing a random walk by.

6. Don’t ride dirty. Wanna make a Chipotle run now that you’ve got the munchies? Leave your contraband at home. Better yet, DON’T DRIVE ANYWHERE. Take a walk and make it an adventure or hail an Uber if you’re too lazy to hoof it. Or, you could stay in and order a pizza and pass out with a slice in your mouth and spend the next two hours eating it at glacial speed, while watching a documentary about N.W.A. on VHS. Not that I ever did this.

BONUS TIPS

Lincoln has long been rumored to issue more citations for public urination per capita than any other city in the US. This could have something to do with all the people who duck into alleys off O Street to pee after last call.

The key to peeing in public is to not look like you’re peeing. That means you don’t want to strike your urinal pose in front of a dumpster. Instead, be causal and pretend you’re talking on the phone and operate your gear with your other hand. Just be careful that you don’t dribble anything on your shoes, especially if you’re wearing flip flops. 

Ladies, I have no advice for you. Sorry.

Don’t apply for a job at Blockbuster Video. They drug test and instead of doing urine samples, they do a hair test which is impossible to beat.

Yes, that was a real thing college students worried about back in the 90s.