Tag Archives: huskers

Behind The Scenes At The Boneyard Bash

With just two weeks before football season and countless lost freshmen looking for something to do and people to meet, there seemed to be only one solution to everyone’s problems: open practice at Memorial Stadium at the first-ever Boneyard Bash.

Memorial Stadium
It’s good to be back. Soon, this place will be rocking.

Around 1:45  Saturday afternoon, I arrived at Memorial Stadium with a handful of the sport directors for The Iron N. Granted, I have no responsibilities when it comes to my minimal membership in the club, but much like all of the new freshmen on campus, I refuse to go to an event alone.

While we set up the tables of free t-shirts and koozies inside, a line of students quickly formed outside of Gate 24. Thirty minutes later, a flood of over 1,500 students poured in to the stadium. From wide-eyed freshmen wearing their lanyards around their necks to seniors claiming front row seats that were rightfully theirs, there was a good mix of different students in attendance.

Line of Students
Moments after this photo was taken, I was nearly trampled by the rush. Hope you enjoy it.

Suddenly caught in front of a Pamplona bull run of students, all I could imagine was how this was (almost) exactly how Mufasa died in The Lion King. (Editor’s note: Spoiler Alert!) I retreated back to my usual game day seat in the front row of the East Stadium student section and watched the never ending sea of students fill over two entire sections of seats.

The Boneyard Crowd
Obligatory photo of the ‘No Photos’ warning while students piled into the hallowed midfield seats.

Once the crowd had settled in, Mike Riley (looking sharp in a Boneyard t-shirt) spoke with students. I was able to overhear more than a few people mention how “adorable” he was, which is probably the polar opposite of any word students had used to describe Bo in previous seasons.

Mike Riley Addresses The Boneyard
Head Coach Mike Riley addresses the crowd before getting the Boneyard Bash started.

The players were out on the field as De’Mornay Pierson-El whipped some donuts on the sideline in his cart. Needless to say, I think he’s doing pretty well after his surgery.

Throughout the scrimmage, prizes such as gift cards and video game consoles were being given away to numerous students who checked in to the event on The Iron N Rewards app. The new app allows students to check in at various events to earn points to go towards different prizes. Despite currently sharing the first place title (not to brag), I didn’t win any of the giveaways. I’d also just like to take a moment to let the other seven students currently in first place know that they’re going down and I will win the free textbooks. Not that I’m competitive or anything.

Unfortunately since the event was still technically a practice, no photos or videos were allowed. I’m sure in that same nature they wouldn’t be too crazy about going into detail on what I saw on the field, and after seeing Bo’s interactions with the media, I’d rather try to stay on the coaches’ good sides. But I will say that with what I saw, I have high hopes for this season.

https://youtu.be/oF1pafOj7gA

Editor’s Note: If the action on the field during the Boneyard Bash was anywhere close to the action in this Boneyard Bash, the Huskers might just be alright. Now the question is, which Blackshirt is going to step up and claim Grave Digger as a nickname?

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The Season Isn’t Over Until It Starts

Hey there dear reader(s)! Remember us? The blog that said it was going on hiatus until August 3rd? Well, with the first game of the season kicking off next Saturday, it’s time we make our staggering return to mid-level glory, new website or not.

Lucky for us, the guy we hired to redesign our site finally found a new Adderall hook up (his old one bolted off to college) so his productivity levels should be returning to normal any day now and he swears he’ll have our updated site ready before the season opener against BYU.

Kickoff is still at 2:30, right?

But enough about us. Let’s get to the reason why we’re all here- the Huskers.

Since we last left off, the Huskers have had their share of drama. Fortunately, most of it was just of the silly kind and not the a-linebacker-stole-a-truckload-of-bikes variety.

To recap —

Wisconsin running back Corey Clement talked more trash than a sanitation engineer convention (hiyo!)when he said the Huskers were a flip phone compared to the Badgers who embodied the far superior and sleeker iPhone.

This in turn caused the Nebraska sports media to unholster their flip phones and furiously text reaction tweets to 40404 as fast as their thumbs could T9 their way to coherent thoughts.

Meanwhile, we mined our kitchen junk drawer, unearthed a Motorola lounging in a weathered Cell Phones for Soldiers shipping bag (hey, it’s the thought that counts) and cobbled this gem together.

Badgers Huskers Flip PhoneGet it? 5 x CHAMP. Are jokes from a month ago still even remotely funny?

Not long after Husker Nation’s big flip out of the summer, the first fall camp of the Mike Riley era was underway and optimism for the season was running high…

UNTIL COACH RILEY ANNOUNCED THAT De’MORNAY PIERSON-EL INJURED HIS FOOT AND WOULD BE OUT FOR 6-8 WEEKS.

Faster than DPE can take a punt to the house, Husker Twitter went straight to DEFCON 1. 

Meanwhile, Husker Facebook was surprisingly rational and borderline optimistic.

Husker Extra Facebook Reaction
Could these comments be a sign that Coach Riley’s inherent mellowness is spreading like a virus among the Husker faithful?

To learn more about DPE’s injury, listen to Dr. Rob Zatechka’s always interesting Husker Doc Talk podcast. Plus, you’ll get to hear a bonus story about Dave Rimington’s love of Burning Man.  (Seriously, WTF?)

While losing an All-American who figured to be a key cog in the Huskers’ offense  is not exactly an ideal start to the season, the important thing to remind yourself is that it hasn’t even started. To put things in the parlance of Vacation, the O.G. National Lampoon version, not this summer’s turd of a reboot, we’re still lost in St. Louis our way to the proverbial Walley World.

The script for the 2015 Huskers’ season has yet to be written and not even a million football savvy monkeys armed with a million typewriters and a communal copy of Chris Brown’s great new book The Art of Smart Football could predict how the season will play out so we might as well do our best to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.

GBR!

ps: Check it out. We made a pump up video.

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Gone Fishin’. Be back in August.

Here’s another item to add to the pile of reasons why Dirk Chatelain hates us. As a wholly independent (and sporadically reliable) source of Husker news, we are our own boss, the master of our domain, the captain of our own ship, and that ship is setting sail and won’t be returning to port until Monday August 3rd*.

Tom Osborne Fishing
Save us a seat in the boat, Coach!

That’s right, this humble site is taking a month off. It’s the summer and for the sake of our sanity and yours, we’re stepping away from the Husker crack pipe until the sound of pads crunching on the practice field isn’t so far off the horizon. Plus I’ve had a few new reels like my baitcaster reel that I’ve been wanting to try. FYI, the Mike Riley era officially gets real when fall camp opens on August 6th.

While taking time off from obsessing over the Huskers sounds like a weird thing for a Husker site to do, we will not be spending those long summer days idly sipping Bartles and Jaymes on the porch. Granted, we might take down a few delicious tall boys of Colt 45 between now and August but the bulk of our sabbatical is going to be spent in the digital gym, and in the new fishing local fishing spots San Diego Fishing Report tells us about.

Big Red Fury is coming back for the 2015 season bigger and better (for lack of better adjectives). This ramshackle operation started as a lark 10 months ago and has taken on enough of a life of its own that its time to see what can be done when it isn’t mostly just one guy writing in his underpants from his home office.

See you turkeys in August.

And who knows, I might even celebrate the occasion by wearing pants.

*Barring any unforeseen, truly huge breaking news that requires our special blend of hard hitting analysis. And no, what a high school kid tweeted or did at camp does not count as news. We’ll leave the stalking to you know who.

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First (and Only) Husker Game With Dad

The phone rang far too early for a Saturday morning.

Whoever was on the other end of the line was calling with something urgent.

After a couple of tense rings, my mother answered and walked out of the kitchen (and earshot) in one continuous motion. The phone’s cord crinkled and snapped as it untangled itself and stretched behind her.

With Caller ID still an innovation of the far off future, I had no idea who she was speaking to. The over-sized ears my head had yet to grow into were no help. All they could make out were muffled responses that were short and to the point.

After what seemed like forever, my mom returned the kitchen. Her palm smothered the phone’s handset.

Whatever she was about to say was going to be important.

“Your dad wants to know if he can take you to the Husker game today. I told him I’d ask you.”

My brain could barely processes what it was hearing.

You told him you’d ask me?  Why, that’s more ridiculous than asking someone if they’d like to have a winning lottery ticket.

I jumped out of my seat at the kitchen table so fast I knocked over my box of Apple Jacks and got to the phone before any skipped across the floor. I yanked it from my mom’s hand with more commitment than a purse snatcher and escaped to the privacy of my bedroom.

“Hey, Dad!”

“Really?”

“Are you serious?”

“I’d love to go.”

“Of course I’ll wear red.”

“See you soon.”

In the span of 30 seconds, maybe a minute tops, my life had changed. After 12 long years of watching from afar, I was finally going in. I was suddenly mere hours away from joining the Sea of Red.

In my dad’s hierarchy of recreation, going to Husker games was at the very top. Sure, we watched and listened to a lot of games during eight years of sporadic weekend visits but they were all road games. If the Huskers were playing in Lincoln, he was there. The closest I would get to Memorial Stadium would be rescuing a weeks-old program from its new life as a drink coaster or a getting a Herbie Husker t-shirt that I had outgrown by the time he remembered to give it to me.

According to Google, it is a 14 minute, 9.1 mile drive from our old house in Grand Island to the exotic rendezvous point at the parking lot of the hotel formerly known at the Interstate Holiday Inn.

We might as well have been traveling to the other side of the Earth.

I spent the drive anxiously checking my digital Timex and fighting the urge to get out and run. There was no way we could be late.

We pulled in with five minutes to spare.

An hour and a half later, my mother made the painfully obvious observation that it doesn’t take that long to drive over from Kearney.

“Maybe he forgot the tickets and had to go back,” I offered as a perfectly reasonable explanation. Making excuses for the guy came easy, especially when it came to matters of punctuality.

A few minutes later, a big red Cadillac Coupe de Ville glided up next to us.

My dad had finally arrived and there he was in all his glory, hanging out the passenger side door.

“Gooooooooo Biiiiiiiiiiiiig Red!” he yelled.

It was still morning and he was already drunk.

My mom looked over to me, shrugged, and told me to have a good time.

What can I say? It was the 80s.

And before you get all indignant, my mom did check to make sure my dad’s latest girlfriend wasn’t drinking while behind the wheel.

I jumped in and she punched it. Riding in the back with me was one of my dad’s buddies who I’d never met before. He was grandpa old and was apparently a legend in the world of horse racing- my dad’s second favorite past time.

Dad’s new squeeze was a school teacher, a detail that sent my head spinning. If teachers were supposed to be boring, this one broke the mold. We flew down I-80, slowing just long enough for my dad to flirt with a carload of girls bound for the game and hand them a few beers at 60 miles per hour.

Our only pit stop was when a Nebraska State Trooper decided the teacher was going a little too fast. She was written up for speeding we were on our way. Back then, it was way out of the trooper’s jurisdiction to even suggest that we put on our seat belts or that drinking while in a moving vehicle probably wasn’t the best idea.

Not long after the capitol came into view, we arrived at one of Bob Kerrey’s restaurants. I’m pretty sure it had a name but it will be forever seared into my head as Bob Kerrey’s because that’s all my dad was talking about on our final approach into Lincoln.

“We’re going to Bob Kerrey’s restaurant. Before he became governor, he was a pharmacist just like me. I’ve met him before. Wait until you try the onion rings.”

But there was no time for onion rings. Kickoff wasn’t far away so we immediately boarded a shuttle bus and headed for the cathedral that is Memorial Stadium.

It was an incredible sight. I’d never seen it up close and I was in awe to be standing in its shadow. The buzz outside the stadium was off the charts and the band was already rocking on the inside. We’re talking total sensory overload.

“OK, gang.”

Suddenly, my dad spoke with more confidence than the world’s best ketchup popsicle salesman.

“We’ll meet back here right after the game. Remember this spot.”

He quickly dispersed the tickets. He and the horse racing legend would be over in the East Stadium straddling the 50 yard line. Meanwhile, the teacher and I were cast off to the South Stadium, 90 or so rows up.

My dad was taking me to my very first Husker game and the guy wasn’t even going to sit with me, or the woman he was dating.

This came as a bit of a surprise but before a word could be said in protest, he and the horse racing legend vanished into the crowd.

There wasn’t much we could do other than go find our seats. Looking back, I’m glad I was too young to fully realize the awkwardness of the situation. It had to be as subtle as getting blindsided by Broderick Thomas who was somewhere down on there among all the tiny red specks dotting the AstroTurf.

The teacher and I made the best of it up in the stratosphere. Luckily, my mom knew well enough to give me some money just in case which spared the embarrassment of asking a one day acquaintance for a small loan to buy a Runza and warm Coke.

Once the game got going, a fan next to us let me look through his binoculars and pointed out Steve Taylor, Ken Clark, Dana Brinson, and even Tom Osborne as he roamed the sideline. These were guys I’d only ever heard about and saw on TV and there they were barely a quarter mile away. The teacher used the binoculars to spot her parents in her family’s longtime seats in the West Stadium. When I suggested we go over and say hello at halftime, she politely declined.

I can’t imagine why.

Utah State was no match for Nebraska. The game quickly turned into a rout and the Huskers scored just about every time they touched the ball. By the fourth quarter, enough fans had cleared out that we moved close enough to the action to hear Mickey Joseph bark out orders when he came in for mop up duty.

After the final whistle, we made our way back to the rally point. It had been a long game but I couldn’t wait to talk about it with my dad.

There was just one problem.

He and the horse racing legend were nowhere to be found. We waited as long as we could and before we had no choice but to take the last shuttle back to Bob Kerrey’s place.

Before grabbing her car to continue the search, we popped in to use the restroom. We were barely inside when a familiar voice yelled out.

“There you are. Finally!”

It was my dad. He and the horse racing legend were kicking it in a booth. The table was littered with food and they clung to their Bloody Marys as if they were the only thing that could keep them marginally upright.

“Where were you?” the teacher asked. “We waited until the last bus and never saw you.”

“The game was in the bag so we thought we’d beat the crowd getting out. We’ve been here since halftime. I can’t believe you stayed all the way to the end.”

Somehow, someway, the teacher kept it together and didn’t blow a fuse. The rage was there, and justifiably so, but she kept it in check. Maybe years of teaching gave her superhuman powers or perhaps she just knew it was futile to argue with someone who no longer had enough motor skill to eat an onion ring.

They were delicious by the way.

Even crawling at the speed limit, the ride home was quick. My dad and the horse racing legend both passed out the moment they got in the car and melted into the velour seats. The teacher and I made small talk about what was in-store for our respective school weeks but otherwise we kept the chatter to minimum.

Grand Island was a small enough town that I was able to guide her back to our house no problem. When she brought the Caddy to a stop in front of it, my dad snapped awake.

“I had a great time today, champ. We’ll go again soon.”

I climbed out of the car and looked back at him as he pulled the door shut. He reached deep into his pocket and dug out a crumpled twenty-  his universal signal for ‘don’t tell your mom what really happened.’

I grabbed it and ran towards our house. The porch light flipped on before I reached the sidewalk.

We never made it back for another game.

Dads, you only get one chance to take your kid to their first Husker game. Don’t mess it up.

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All Your Clichés Belong To Us: Predicting Husker Loss Reaction

As June creeps towards July, the dog days of the Husker off-season are upon us.

If you haven’t been swayed by summer and all her lovely distractions, you may have noticed the full-time Husker media has been chiseling away at the bottom of the Husker news barrel since just after Memorial Day. They have an unbelievable amount of air-time and column inches to fill and somehow, they’re making it work.

I imagine they all gather for regular meetings in Tom Shatel’s basement to discuss their story ideas for an upcoming week and draw their daily topics of discussion from a well worn bingo ball tumbler that was a solid find at a church garage  sometime during the Solich era.

How else can you explain the magic that no talk radio show or writer ever covers the exact same topic on the same day?

One area that has yet to become a topic of open discussion is the elephant in the room that is Husker Nation.

What will be the reaction if a Mike Riley led Husker team ever loses?

Please note: I said if. Not when.

I am by no means advocating for a Husker loss.

But I do know that during slow periods, it’s standard practice for news outlets to write obituaries in advance so that when a person famous enough to warrant a pre-written obituary kicks the bucket, they can have one ready to go with minimal updates.

With any Husker loss feeling like a death in the family, I’d bet a stack of Runzas there at least a couple sportswriters who’ve been outlining what they’re going to write following the first loss of the Mike Riley era- should one ever occur, of course.

With that in mind, we’re going to make some bold predictions, aka hot takes, on what might be said following such a tragic event.

Mike Riley Lincoln
Mike Riley, asking which way to run out of Lincoln. (Just in case.)

If Mike Riley’s Huskers ever suffer a loss, we’ll come back to this and see how we did on our cliché predictions:

“Well, the honeymoon is over. Like any marriage, this day was inevitable. The first test between Mike Riley and the state of Nebraska is upon us.”
– First writer to file their post game analysis gets dibs on the most obvious lede ever.

“The life of Riley just got a lot harder.” The second most obvious lede.

“The Mike Riley era began with a humbling loss in front of a nationwide television audience but when the final whistle blew, the Huskers and their new coach were not the laughing stock of the country unlike season’s past.” – On the off-chance BYU opens their season with a win in Lincoln.

“This defeat doesn’t sting or humble any less than the others but Husker Nation can show some pride in knowing this setback was taken on the chin with dignity and class, elements missing from the Husker sideline for far too long.” – Losing with class will be a major theme. (If a loss ever happens.)

“Sorry, Coach Riley. This is where Nebraska nice gives way to Nebraska expectations.” – This one is right in Dirk Chatelain’s wheelhouse.

“Those shallow wrinkles on the 62-year-old coach’s boyish face are about to become etched a whole lot deeper.” – Again, this one is all Dirk.

“Coach Riley is going to start looking his age real quick.”
– The over/under on sportswriters using this one is 5.

“Gone are the jaunts down to the Haymarket for a happy hour beer and a photo or two with the fans.” – Sipple. Naturally.

“It was a loss that will give Riley’s coaching staff dream team nightmares for days to come.” – This one better not happen. The Justice League of America is not as well assembled as Riley’s crew.

“After today’s humbling defeat, there’s no way the happy go lucky coach could ever be brave enough to bum a ride home from a fan.” – Not to worry, Coach. The code uberBigRedFury will get you a free ride from Uber. (This deal also applies to you, dear readers.) 

“The trio of coaches who failed to escape the long shadow cast by Tom Osborne’s 25 year legacy has now become a quartet.”
– Sam McKewon, Omaha World-Herald.

The Nirvana of coaches who failed to escape the long shadow cast by Tom Osborne’s 25 year legacy has found their Pat Smear in Coach Riley. – Sam McKewon, back in his Nebraska State Paper Days.

“When the consistent mediocrity of a 9 win season, suddenly becomes a pie in the sky dream…” – Worst case scenario if the Huskers lose more than once.

“No matter which way you slice it, losing with class is still losing.”
– An average member of Huskermax.

“Maybe he should have kept paying by the night at the Embassy Suites.”
– A below average member of Huskermax.

“If you take I-80 west for 140 miles or so, you’ll be able to pick up the Oregon Trail and follow that home.” –  A Huskermax member who thinks the coaches actually turn the forums for advice.

“The special, allergen-free paint in the home the Riley’s spent so much time searching for is barely dry and it may already be time to put it back on the market.” – Nobody better say this one. I feel bad for even thinking it.

 

 

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How Many Potato Olés Does $6.54 Million Buy?

When you move away from Nebraska, either by choice or by lynch mob, there will be things you miss.

Topping my list are Potato Olés, those golden discs of deliciousness from your good buddy and mine, Taco John.

After the news broke about how much loot Bo Pelini would be officially raking in to not coach the Huskers, my mind did not race towards the inevitable figures of what $6.54 million breaks down to in terms of a monthly, daily, hourly, or even by-the-minute salary.

Nope, I had a larger figure to fry.

Specifically, how many Potato Olés could Pelini purchase with his $6.54 million don’t-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out parting gift?

Would it be enough that Bo could be like Scrooge McDuck swimming in money?

Scooge McDuck Swimming In Money

Finding this magically delicious  number was going to be a challenge on two fronts.

1. The closest Taco John’s to Los Angeles is in Reno, NV. This is the Deep Space Nine outpost of the Taco John’s empire. Even though it’s closer to me than all the others, a 1,000 mile round trip journey was going to be a bit much.

2. The alternative would be to simply call a Taco John’s. My fair hometown of Grand Island proudly boasts three locations, one of which has a phone number published online. I opted out of this option because I couldn’t think of anyone that would chap angst-ridden teenage fry cook’s hide more than some moron calling out the blue to bother him about Potatoe Olés.

Luckily, Facebook, aka the the lazy journalist’s best friend, came to the rescue.
Potato Olés

Potato Olés Philosphy

A short while later, the answer was found, thanks to my good buddy Joshua. He even included a photo of himself and Bo for extra credit.

Potato Olé Research

OK, so what we’re working with.

Large Potato Olés = $2.59 (We’ll assume Taco John gave Pelini a quantity discount and covered the tax.)

Large Potato Olés = 46 Olés (That’s the number Joshua got so we’re running with it as the average.)

$6,540,000 / 2.59 = 2,525,095.56 large orders of Potato Olés. (We’ll go ahead and round that up.)

2,525,096 x 46 = 116,154,416 Potato Olés. (That’s 2,171,582,560 calories according to Taco John’s official nutritional information.)

Now to take things up a notch, let’s assume Potato Olés have an average height of a quarter inch when laid flat.

116,154,416 / 4 = a stack of Potato Olés 29,038,604 inches high.

29,038,604 / 12 = a stack of Potato Olés 2,419,883.67 feet high.

2,419,883.67 / 5280 = a stack of Potato Olés 458.311 miles high.

In other words, we’re talking pile of Potato Olés roughly the size of Chimney Rock.

Memorial Stadium filled with Potato Olés
(This illustration is NOT to scale but you get the idea.)

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Nebraska: Where there is no off-season

Hey there. Remember us?

Yes, us. Big Red Fury, that Nebraska Cornhusker site that fell off the radar on the eve of the of the most important Spring Game in nearly a decade.

Well, there’s not much to say other than we got busy and by ‘we’ that is the proverbial royal we as this place is mostly a one-man operation but that is soon changing. We’re about to become a multi-person operation.

The last time we checked-in, Mike Riley was about to do his first Tunnel Walk and we were about to head out to scenic West Covina (aka the hometown of Lawrence Phillips) to play in the annual Dodger Blogger Softball Tournament.

Luckily for those of us on team Sons of Steve Garvey, we had a two game bye when Jon Soo Hoo, the Dodgers’ Team Photographer, was on-scene so our “athletic” exploits weren’t documented for posterity but we did succeed in having the drunkest team photo.

Anyway, we rolled our way to the semis which was no small achievement for us. Plus, we had our own team photographer to capture us at our best.

Todd Flailing
Your humble author, holding down the hot corner. Photo: Scott Killeen

The whole reason for bringing this up is that one of our female ringers on our team ended up being from Columbus. Once we discovered our Nebraska connection, that thing happened when you put two Nebraskans together and they instantly start speaking their own language.

“Runza!”

“Dorothy Lynch!”

“Potato Oles!”

“Dannebrog!”

We had a great Nebraska bro-down and it made the anguish of missing the Spring Game a little more bearable though it did get a little stressful checking Twitter between pitches. Depending on the source, players were either crushing it or forgetting how to play football or were already filling out their transfer paperwork on the sideline. Oh how the rumors swirl when you’re the last quarterback to take the field. (Looking at you, Johnny Stanton.)

By the time it was over, Tommy is still the man, there’s going to be a logjam for the backup spot, DPE will go HAM next season, Imani might not be the featured back, and if the defense can get any linebackers on the roster, things might be OK for the Blackshirts.

Then good ol’ Lawrence Phillips (TODAY is his birthday, btw) popped up in the news for being suspected of murdering his cellmate at Kern Valley State Prison. Apparently it’s not sounding like the most difficult case to prove. Two guys are locked in a cell, one guy ends up strangled.

Lawrence Phillips Murder Suspect

Look, I’ve had some annoying roommates in my day and I know I’ve also been that annoying roommate but stone cold murdering one of them wasn’t exactly high on the list of options much the same as I hope I was never a potential “murderee.”

Ever since we shared our bizarre Lawrence Phillips story, I’ve kicked (OK, maybe not the best word) around the idea of reaching out to the guy to see how he’s been doing after being locked up for a half decade. Has there been any remorse? Is he working on his GED? Is he trying to mentor any short-timers?

Clearly that was not the case and for a guy who was on target to be released at the spry age of 57, tacking on a murder charge isn’t exactly the best move.

In better news though, Randy, Kenny and Ameer all got drafted by the NFL. Here’s hoping they all have long and illustrious careers.

Randy Gregory Dallas Cowboys
If Randy Gregory can make it through camp, look for Macho Man Randy Sackage be snapping into some quarterbacks this Fall.

Then how about that Coach Who Shall Not Be Named 2.0? Dude is  will be getting paid $128,009 a month for the next four years to not coach the Huskers. While a crappy lottery ticket every month sounds like a lot of money, believe it or not he’s actually saving Nebraska $1.4 million thanks to landing on his feet back home in Youngstown.

And finally, we’re thrilled to announce that Haley Archer, aka the Harchinator, is joining Big Red Fury as our first-ever student contributor. Hayley is a Broadcasting student from Minneapolis who made the very wise decision of defecting to Husker Nation. Sorry, Gopher-land. She’s one of us now.

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22 Red Hot Nebraska Spring Game Predictions

Where does the time go? Seems like just yesterday that Coach Who Shall Not Be Named 2.0 was dropping C-Bombs on a secret recording and now it’s already the first Spring Game of the Mike Riley era.

Just because I’m going to be a bad Husker fan and skip out on the Spring Game in favor of playing for Team Sons of Steve Garvey in the annual Dodger Blogger Softball Tournament doesn’t mean I can’t make some bold, bold Spring Game predictions.

If you’re reading from a mobile device, put on an oven mitt before scrolling because these are some hot takes.

1. Tommy Armstrong will complete some passes.

2. Tommy Armstrong will not complete some passes.

3. Quarterbacks AJ Bush, Johnny Stanton and Zack Darlington will all flash enough skill to give your annoying friend enough ammo to claim that Armstrong won’t be the starter in 2015.

4. Meanwhile, quarterback Ryker Fyfe will pop up just long enough to make you remember that he’s still on the team. Then again, this could be Ryker’s last stand once Maliek gets turned loose.

5. Five QBs will lead to message board rumblings that one or more will transfer.

6. It will be a record breaking day for the number of fans cheering for a Mike Riley lead team. Riley’s biggest home stadium was San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium with a capacity of 70,561. More than 65,000 tickets have already been sold for the Spring Game. Even if there isn’t a single walk up, a record will still be set because those 65,000 fans are all cheering for the same team. One of the perks of the Spring Game- no pesky visiting fans.

Now the question is, will the record 80,149 fans that attended Coach Who Shall Not Be Named 2.0’s first Spring Game be topped?

Mike Riley Huskers
Even if Coach Riley isn’t quite old enough to need Depends, we heartily suggest that he straps-on a set and buckles ’em up tight. That first Tunnel Walk will be a doozy.

7. A sportswriter will say the sky’s the limit for the revamped Huskers in 2015.

8. A sportswriter will say the sky is falling and the revamped Huskers are doomed in 2015.

9. If strength and conditioning coach Mark Phillip hosts a halftime arm rasslin’ contest, he will win.

Strength Coach Mark Phillip Nebraska
New rule: Any time Mark Philip is spotted in Lincoln you must yell “This is Sparta!” Then run away as fast as you can.

10. De’Mornay Pierson-El will do something awesome.

11. The Blackshirts will throw the bones like the days of yore.

12. However, too much bone throwing will cause people to fret that the offensive line has some leaky pipes. So please, Huskers, try to find a happy balance and not kick your own asses too bad.

13. Imani Cross will break off a beastly run that will remind everyone that it’s his turn to be in the spotlight.

14. The first offensive play will be a run through the tackles and have the QB under center.

15. The second play from scrimmage will be a COMPLETED deep ball.

16. At least one coach will take the reins of Der Viener Schlinger.

17. A blue hair’s “Sit down. We can’t see through you.” will be in mid-season form.

18. The newly installed jet sweeps will send fans into Wisconsin induced PTSD panic attacks.

19. While it may not run like a well-oiled machine all of the time, the new, “boring” offense will not make anyone miss that guy at Ohio State.

20. Some Huskers will win.

21. Some Huskers will lose.

22. Following the game, all of the coaches will gush about how they’ve never experienced anything quite like a Husker game day before remembering the Spring Game was just a warm up for the real thing. Then they’ll hunker down and really get to work.

Inheriting a program as hallowed  as the Huskers is something that doesn’t come around often.

GBR!

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We’re Hiring a Student Contributor

Do you sit in the Boneyard?

Do you write good?

Are you suddenly confused by that last question?

Good. You just might have what it takes to join the Big Red Fury team. We’re upgrading and hiring a student contributor for the 2015 season.

In addition to a paid position as a writer for a Husker site that’s simultaneously mind boggling and brilliant, you’ll get a solid stack of great writing samples (if being a writer is your thing) and a legit reference from us when it comes time for you to leave the cozy womb of college and enter the real world. (By all means, stay in school as long as you can.)

WHO WE ARE LOOKING FOR: A UNL student who has a passion for writing, the Huskers, sits in the Boneyard (important because your column will be called View from the Boneyard) and never misses a home game.

If you have to miss one because an inconsiderate friend or relative chose to have a wedding on game day, you have our permission to attend. You’ll just have to do a write up on the anguish of missing a game.

This position is open to any grade level and major. If you’re an eager freshman to-be and you think you’ve got the chops, go for it.

The Husker Boneyard
Do one of you want to come work for us?

TO APPLY: Send an introductory email to –

bigredfury603(at)gmail(dot)com

– telling us about yourself (doesn’t have to be a formalized cover letter) and include the following three items:

1) A sample post: A recap of your favorite game last season or go to the Spring Game and do a write up of your experience.

Your recap should put readers in your shoes and give a feel for what it’s like to be in the Boneyard. Shoot for 500 – 800 words (no penalty for going over). Don’t worry about including photos with your submission but feel free to include any if you like. Recaps during the season should include photos and/or video.

You can check out examples our game write ups here and here. As you’ll see, they are a mix of humor and analysis.

Humor: If we had to describe our style, we’d call it semi-sophisticated potty humor. Deadspin, Grantland, and A.V. Club are some of our favorite websites. F-bombs, S-bombs, etc, should be used sparingly for maximum effect. Strive for PG-13, not R. Slang you’d find in the Urban Dictionary, witty pop culture references, and YouTube videos are always welcome.

Analysis: This is not a site readers turn to for a serious X’s and O’s breakdown but right-on if that’s your wheelhouse. Your analysis should be your description of what you saw.  That could mean a breakdown like this or this or this.

2) Links to your public social media profiles: Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Facebook. We’re old so that means we don’t understand that Chatsnap. If your profiles are private, that’s totally cool. We just want to get a feel for who you are and what you’re in to.

We’re looking for writing talent, not an influencer. However, you will be expected to share your work socially and we’ll be promoting you as a featured contributor.

3) Explain the significance of 603 in our email address: Bonus points if you get it right.

STIPEND: $25 per game recap, paid via PayPal upon publication plus an end-of-season bonus based on any potential ad revenue the site generates. (We have absolutely no idea what that could be.) Your deadline will be midnight (Lincoln time) the Sunday following the game so that your piece can run on Monday. For you anal retentive types that means Sunday night, not Saturday-just-turned-to-Sunday at the stroke of midnight.

Please keep in mind that the person who wrote what you just read has been working as a writer in one capacity or another since starting out at the Daily Nebraskan way, way back in 1997 and is a Jedi Master when it comes to laziness and creative excuses and has never missed a deadline. In other words, don’t be a flake.

Deadline to apply is May 1, 2015.

QUESTIONS?

Email us: bigredfury603(at)gmail(dot)com

 

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Taylor Martinez And Johnny Utah, Two Star-Crossed QBs

While Point Break may not be the most nuanced film in the world, I’m not ashamed to say it took an 87th viewing to have the sort of epiphany that makes a person take a step back and say “Whoa.”

If you don’t think you can handle it, stop reading now. Otherwise, hold onto your butt.

Taylor Martinez could be a real-life Johnny Utah.

Like, seriously.

For real, brah.

During the scene when Keanu and Patrick Swayze beat the crap out of Anthony Kiedis, lightning struck and the similarities between Taylor and Johnny presented themselves like constellations on a moonless night in Western Nebraska.

Both played quarterback at Big Ten schools.

Both played in the Rose Bowl. (Well, Taylor played at the Rose Bowl.)

Both suffered career ending injuries.

Both went on to careers as an “agent.”

Taylor Martinez Johnny UtahTaylor Martinez and Johnny Utah, two legendary dudes.

As the first outlet to blow the lid off Taylor’s new career as a real-estate agent, I feel like I have a special connection to the guy.

If it weren’t for a strict policy of Never-Go-To-Orange-County-Unless-You-Absolutely-Have-To (last time was November of 2012 to be in a buddy’s wedding), I would have immediately booked an appointment for a tour and bribed my wife with whatever it would take to get her to agree to dress up in Affliction gear and spend a day behind the Orange Curtain masquerading as OC home buyers.

“Yeah, Taylor. Thanks for the walk through but we’re really not feeling the media room. We’re gonna keep looking. But would you mind signing this football I happened to bring along? If you could make it out to ‘Dear eBay purchaser’, that would be great.”

Since that will never happen, I decided the next best thing to do would be to use this pulpit to try and convince him to abandon his career as Taylor Martinez real estate agent and become Taylor Martinez FBI agent.

With his 25th birthday and quarter-life crisis approaching, I set out to pen the perfect Huskermax-esque long distance dedication to try to convince Taylor that there’s more to life than wooing people with granite counter tops and heated bathroom floors.

He could be busting up crystal meth rings, bank robberies, get in government sanctioned car chases- all kinds of fun stuff. And if he didn’t want to go it alone, I’d happily be his Gary Busey spirit guide.

That’s when my preliminary detective work uncovered something rather curious.

Taylor’s last Instagram post (his feed is delightfully silly, btw) was on February 5.

Taylor Martinez Foot Surgery
There are plenty of qualified surgeons in the OC/LA area, not to mention California. One does not travel to North Carolina for foot surgery unless something big is afoot.

Then, a look at his Twitter feed reveals he hasn’t tweeted in nearly a month and when he did, they were just links to long deleted Instagrams.

Taylor Martinez Twitter Stream

It’s a total social media shut down. You know who else does that when it’s time to get down to business?

Aaron Rodgers, Mr. Discount Double Check himself.

We can only imagine the grueling training regimen Taylor’s putting himself through to get back into game shape.

Then again, he might just be on spring break forever.

Taylor Martinez Spring Break
Taylor, whatever you decide to do, even if it’s comfortably living out the rest of your days in a real-life Margaritaville, this blog has your your back but don’t be shy about going for something big.

You would be so awesome at this.

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