Dear Dipshit

Congratulations on successfully claiming the title of the most vile person in the Great State of Nebraska. That’s far from an easy feat to achieve and I commend you for doing so without having resort to violence.

All you had to do was burgle the home of a member of the Foltz family while they were in Lincoln honoring the life of Sam.

Out of all the below-the-belt dirty things a person could do, yours was an act so deep in the depths of wrong that even the most dastardly creative member of the Albanian mafia would have pumped the brakes on that one.

And what did you get? A TV and some tools? What? You didn’t feel like stuffing some silverware in your pockets on your way out?

According to news reports, the total retail value of your haul was around $1,400. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I’ve watched enough episodes of Pawn Stars to know at best you might be able to clear $300 at the expense of committing a crime the entire state (and every college football fan around the country) knows about.

Oh sure. You could have poached those items for personal use but what happens when you have friends over to bask in the glow of your new-to-you TV?

If you’re the type of person who needs to resort to stealing a TV in order to have a TV,  you’re probably not the type who has the money for a new TV in the first place. So how are you going to explain that purchase while the dump you call home is one strong gust of wind away from being scattered around Greeley County?

And the tools, aside from the fact that you stole from someone’s livelihood, at least those are practical things to have. But as many well-rounded guys and ladies know, Snap-on brand tools have a level of cachet far beyond the Kolbat garbage found at Lowe’s. Hand anyone a Snap-on tool and the first thing they always do is admire its precision quality before putting it to use.

So I guess that means you now have a set tools you can never loan anyone or bust out at a workplace (assuming you’re at all employable) since people who work where tools are used love talking about tools. A mystery set of Snap-ons is going to be a hard one to explain because those are kind of tools people don’t find at garage sales.

If there’s one thing Nebraskans love more than the Huskers, it’s gossiping about their neighbors. In a case like yours, the mantra ‘snitches get stitches‘ goes right out the window. The fact that you’re still at large makes me think you acted alone. There’s no way you and an accomplice could have made it past the 24 hour mark without one of you trying to rat out the other the moment you felt the heat of an entire state breathing down your neck.

If anyone finds out there’s even a remote chance you’re the guilty party, you’re gonna be so doomed I almost feel bad laughing at the possibilities. Do you really think the bars of a jail cell are strong enough to protect you from the wrath of a football team, scratch that, an entire state out for a super-sized serving of prairie justice?

Really, you only have two options:

1) Anonymously return everything you stole (leaving it all on the tennis courts across the street from the Greeley County Courthouse would be my easily findable suggestion) and take what you did to your grave.

or

2) Return nothing and take what you did to your grave.

Let’s be honest. What you did was so awful, you’ll want to keep this one to yourself even when a priest is administering your last rites (should you be so lucky to die in an organized fashion) because your second-to-last breath will suddenly be your last.

Nebraskans take a lot of pride in being known the world over as a quality and trusted people.

You, my friend, have violated that trust in the worst possible way and will be paying the price sooner than you think.

Good luck.
Mike Riley’s particular set of skills consists of having a roster of total bad asses that runs 139 people deep.