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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Sunday Morning Hot Takes: BYU Edition

Welcome to our first edition of Sunday Morning Hot Takes where we’ll be delivering a fresh, steaming pile of hot takes following every Husker game.

So… how ’bout that BYU game?

If you’re reading this, congratulations on making it through the night to see another sunrise. I haven’t yet ventured outside but I’ll go out on a limb and say that the sun has kept its 4.5 billion year streak of being where it’s supposed to be going for a least one more day.

Granted, that final second of regulation ended with as much shock and horror as seeing an animal shelter get napalmed but we can get through this Husker Nation.

It’s a long season. There will be peaks. There will valleys. And there’s a pretty damn good chance that 90,000 fans will not get their hearts ripped out on the final play of a game at Memorial Stadium for a long, long time. (Or at least a few weeks.)

Mola Ram BYU
Who knew Mola Ram was a BYU fan?

Before we dive into the hot takes, we must first drop the worst humble brag ever. In our interview with former BYU linebacker Austen Jorgensen, there was a little nugget where he absolutely nailed the outcome of the game.

Austen Jorgensen Prediction

ON WITH THE HOT TAKES!

Mike Riley: Two things are clearly apparent: 1) He does not rattle under pressure and he certainly had his fair share on Saturday. One can only imagine he keeps a screaming chamber in his basement.

MeditationChamber-ESB
A visualization of Mike Riley’s top secret screaming chamber.

2) Even at 62-years-old, his heart his clearly in tip top shape. Yes, he slumped over when the refs signaled touchdown but he walked off the field under his own power. Even as cold blooded as he is, Bill Snyder would not have survived that ending.

Coach Riley’s calmness must be contagious because it even carried over to Husker Twitter. These tweets were from when things weren’t exactly going right.

Behold the calmness and rational thoughts!

Tommy Armstrong: Holy crap did he look sharp. Yes, he had a few low points (and one crazy pass that gave Husker Nation a T-Magic flashback) but overall he clearly bought into what Danny Langsdorf is selling. Our DVR mercifully stopped recording with 8 minutes left in the fourth quarter but his pass to Brandon Reilly the final time the Huskers had the ball was a sight to behold and his best pass of the game. He put the ball exactly where it needed to go. Tommy just needs to remember he has a pretty fast set of wheels underneath him and be a little quicker when it comes to deciding to tuck the ball and run.

Danny Langsdorf: Hey man, the Huskers are kind of known for running the ball. Maybe you could add some more of those plays next week? And that number 32, he’s kind of a beast. Maybe call his number a few more times. Oh, but it was really cool when you mixed up some of the old stuff following Nate Gerry’s interception. Do more of that and Husker fans will love you long time.

Jordan Westerkamp:  Another season opener. Another jaw dropping catch. Say what you will about Adidas, but they at least know how to make a jersey that stays in one piece.

Jordan Westerkamp Catch
The Huskers got their first points on this season on this nice little stretch play. Please, tip your server.

Mark Banker’s Defense: Every time I started writing a stupid tweet (note to self: you can save drafts) that said Mark Banker was an anagram for Kevin Cosgrove, the Blackshirts adjusted and got a stop. They’ll figure out how to stop a Hail Mary eventually. 

Sam Foltz: Best wishes to Thunder Leg for speedy recovery. It was really great to see the Huskers pay tribute to him by not punting and scoring a bunch of points instead for a while there in the second half but how about Tyson Broekemeier stepping up huge when the Huskers truly needed to punt?

Tanner Mangum Granted, he’s a freshman who graduated high school in 2012 but he’s still a freshman playing in his very first game. On the road. At Nebraska. And he walked off Tom Osborne field swinging the biggest pair of stones of the day. Hopefully the BYU equipment team will get him a helmet that fits now that he’s officially a legendary quarterback and switch the letters on his jersey so that his last name magically becomes Magnum. If you’re gonna have eyebrows that look like a pair of Tom Selleck mustaches you might as well play the part. Plus, how sweet would it be if he took the field to the theme from Magnum?

TANNER MAGNUM
Tanner Mangum is 6’3″ but stands 5’3” with the over-sized helmet.

KEEPING IT CLASSY: Thanks to our handy guide to drinkin’ in Lincoln for BYU fans blowing up on BYU Twitter earlier this week, we sort of became unofficial ambassadors of Husker Nation. We’re thrilled to see that Husker fans were living up to their reputation. Good job, everyone.

BYU TWEETS

FINAL NUMBERS:

17: The number of are you still alive? text messages I received from various family and friends in the minutes and hours that followed the game.

6: Points left off the board by missed field goals. Drew Brown will get it back on track. Maybe it’s not too late to get Alex Henery on-board as a volunteer coach?

0: Number of concerned texts I received from my otherwise lovely wife. When I told her about the heartbreaking outcome, she chuckled before saying, “Wait, I thought they always played a high school team so would always won their first game? Did they lose to a high school team?”  She grew up an LSU fan, btw.

38 – 24: Our score prediction as modeled by one of Hollywood Blvd’s Spider-Men. With the Blackshirts holding and the offense rolling, this prediction was lining up to come true.

Spider-man Hollywood Blvd

STUFF THAT’S NEITHER A NUMBER OR A HOT TAKE:

Unsung Hero of the Day: My KMASHI battery. While it may not be as sleek and slender as a ridiculously overpriced Mophie, it’s built like an offensive lineman and will take your mobile device from zero back up to full power many times over on a single charge. I can’t remember the last I even charged the thing but even with one bar it charged my phone twice yesterday. Plus, it has 2 USB ports so you can help out a friend in need. Best $13.99 you can spend.

Hilarious Twitter account you need to follow (especially if you’re also a soccer fan): Throwball for Brits.

Finally, the award for Most Click-Baity Headline of the Day goes to the otherwise rock solid Hail Varsity crew.

The “featured” tweets belong to Faux Pelini, the Huskers, Hunter Radenslaben, Sam McKewon, the Huskers, Dewayne Wade, Tim Miles, Todd McShane, and Ron Kellogg.

I’m sure they’re all thrilled and flattered to see their tweets in virtual print. Next time, try to feature more people like Hunter. Might help your engagement.

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Nick Allen’s Reasons to Be Optimistic About the Huskers

The first game of the Huskers’ season is always a special time full of optimism and hope right up until the moment the first pigskin is launched from the tee into the heavens.

To help ward off any dread that may be sinking in as the hours and minutes tick towards the Huskers’ date with destiny against BYU, we’ve enlisted the assistance of Omaha-based stand up comic Nick Allen. Maybe you saw him on NBC’s Last Comic Standing this summer?

And that accolade (no matter how brief) puts Nick squarely in the position of being the funniest white guy comic living in Nebraska not named Larry the Cable Guy. You can catch Nick in action on September 10th when he headlines the Comedy Underground show at Brewsky’s in Lincoln’s Haymarket.

Take it away Nick…

Guess who’s undefeated baby? The Huskers. Just like they’re supposed to be. New season, new coach, new, new PA announcer. Cue up the Alan Parsons Project. Let’s do this shit.

1) THE BLACKSHIRTS ARE BACK
Right away. Like they should be. Lead by spirit animal Jack Gangwish and a beastly defensive line, NU’s storied defense enters the season with an attitude and intensity backed by decades of tradition.

2) THE PIPELINE
Another backbone of Nebraska tradition is set to rise again. Milt Tenopir has been a regular at practice. Alex Lewis is a bad ass (‘with record’). All championship teams have rap sheets. A pancake breakfast all season long.

3) THE COACHING STAFF
A Head coach with championship pedigree.

mike-riley-bombers-cp-1988
TWO Grey Cups.

Plus, the Huskers now have an actual QB coach (who knows how to properly hold a football).

Tim Beck
Have fun with this guy, Urban.

Eli Manning Danny LangsdorfEli will retire with more rings than Peyton. Just like God intended.

4) STRENGTH COACH MARK PHILIPP

Mark Phillpp
Spontaneous bare-foot deadlift of 400lbs.

5) KEITH WIDEOUTS WILLIAMS

He could suit up if he had to AND he’s not a golf coach!

6) THE GUYS ON THE FIELD

Tommy Armstrong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWZzoJJMObM

STUD. End. Of. Story. He’s carried himself like a championship QB since his first snap. This year the big wins follow.

Jordan Westerkamp

Total magician. Usually I despise dudes with novelty mustaches but he gets a pass on that.

Vincent Valentine and Maliek Collins

Collins and Valentine
Wrecking balls.

DPE

DPE
He’s not out the whole season.

Sam Foltz

Thunder Leg
Even though he’s a punter, he could probably beat your ass.

7) EASE OF SCHEDULE
No self-respecting football program should ever be intimidated by the Big Ten West.

8) THE JET SWEEP
If you run it, you should  FINALLY be able to stop it.

9) TOM OSBORNE

Tom Osborne
I was on the same flight as him this spring. That has to mean something, right?

10) UP AND COMERS
According to the coaching staff, a lot of guys are ‘on the come.’ Not sure exactly what that means but it sounds like they’re either on they’re way up or involved in a ‘sticky’ hazing situation. Hopefully they’re rising stars.

11) WHY NOT?
Hey, the Huskers could be pretty good and somebody has to win these games. The past few years they’ve been close. Really close. Shit just fell apart in big games. Sometimes in spectacular fashion but they were ahead in most of those games to begin with. They usually lost one you would have thought they would win too. But they’re close. Plus they’re due. Either way, enjoy it and don’t get too caught up in it.

And if you find yourself screaming at a kid you’d go to jail for buying a beer for– don’t.

GO BIG RED!

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Nebraska Will Most Likely Win the 2015 National Championship

cfpchampWarning: This editorial may include sunshine pumping.

After carefully evaluating the upcoming college football season, the most likely outcome I see for Mike Riley’s maiden voyage out on the high Husker seas — is a National Friggin’ Title.

Burdensome expectations for the newly minted captain of Memorial Stadium, you say? A reckless forecast sure to undermine the confidence of a Corvallis crew all too used to Pac-12 participation trophies?

Yeah, well. Whatever.

If you want to rhetorically hold Riley and company’s hands through the tunnel walk on Saturday, start your own damn blog.

Big Red Fury expects Mike Riley to take the helm like the second-coming of Bob Devaney who saw a 200% increase in wins his first year at Nebraska over the previous season.

Granted, for Mike Riley to do the same, he will need to win 27 games in 2015 — a mathematical impossibility, unfortunately. But he can go another route to match the phenomenal improvement Devaney brought with him in 1962. The BobFather produced four fewer losses in his first season than Bill Jennings produced in his last.

As luck would have it, Bo Pelini left Mike with the exact number of losses he would need to match Bob’s improvement. Only this time, should Coach Riley strike the same lightning, it will mean a 15-0 record.

And a National Damn Title.

But, but, but — I can hear the carping now. Bob Devaney didn’t win a National Title in his first year at Nebraska. Bo Pelini didn’t put the ball on a tee with a 3-6-1 out-going record. And the atmosphere is just plain different now. College football of 2015 is a lifetime removed from college football of 1962.

Ix-nay on the ucking-fay excuses-ay. That’s right, I’m bringing Pig Latin to this here itchbe.

So maybe you wonder when was the last time a Division 1 college football team actually went 15-0? After all, the Buckeyes didn’t even do it when they picked up their 14-1 Championship last year.

The answer is Penn University in 1897.

Oh, some teams have come agonizingly close with 14 wins and no losses. Florida State in 2013. Auburn in 2010. Alabama and Boise State in 2009. Ohio State in 2002.

But come four and a half months from now — unless my crystal ball is in need of some Windex — Nebraska will stand shoulder to shoulder with the mighty 1897 Penn Quakers as the only 15-0 Division 1 football teams in the entire history of the sport.

Tall order? Sure. If you say so.

But what if Mike and his Corvallis mechanics stumble up somewhere while pimping out this Big Red Lamborghini they’ve been bestowed?

Like — and I know this is going to sound ridiculous — what if Michigan State comes to town and pulls out an inspired performance, while SIMULTANEOUSLY Nebraska plays a little bit flat?

It’s conceivable then, yeah sure, Sparty might actually sneak out a win while in Lincoln. Crazier things have happened, right?

So then Nebraska gets back on track, blows out Rutgers and Iowa and heads off to Indianapolis 11-1 to face, probably a 12-0 Ohio State.

No worries. We’re in like Flynn.

Nebraska then manhandles the Buckeyes. While Coach Riley goes to waggle Urban Frank Meyer III’s humiliated little grip at midfield, Mark Banker takes Meyer from behind, chucks him to the ground and puts his boot on his trachea.

Just to let him know the new pecking order.

Nebraska then goes on to the playoffs, tosses off some SEC champ like a gamy bit of ground squirrel, then pounds the hapless PAC-12 champ like a Sharknado slamming into the Santa Monica pier. VOILA! 14-1 National Champs, just like those tallywackers from Columbus last year.

Okay. So let’s say Nebraska bowls through its regular season 12-0 (or, at worst 11-1) and then loses (I’m just asking you to humor me here) to Ohio State and is then LEFT OUT of the playoff. Would that then derail Nebraska’s 2015 National Title run?

Absolutely not. And that’s one of the things I love about college football. Titles are subjective. It’s the only sport that has a long history of letting multiple champs stand together on the same gold medal podium in the same year.

Quick — who won the 1970 National Title? Depends on who you ask. A Nebraska fan will say, “Nebraska, of course.” And out the corner of their mouths, they’ll add, “And Texas, I guess.” If you ask a Texas fan the same question, they’ll say, “Texas! And some other team. Nebraska, maybe? Did we even play them that year?”

And the truth is they’re BOTH right. But ask an Ohio State fan, who won the 1970 National Title, they’ll say, “Buckeyes.”

What? The same Ohio State team that went 9-1 and lost 27-17 to Stanford in the Rose Bowl? National Champs over 11-0-1 Nebraska? And 10-1 Texas?

Indeed. Turns out a little organization called the National Football Foundation got all hair-triggered and awarded Ohio State college football’s 1970 crown in the afterglow of the Buckeye’s 20-9 win over 4th ranked Michigan, without bothering to see how things played out in Pasadena.

Nebraska 1970 National Co-Champs Ohio State, Nebraska, and Texas were all somebody’s National Champion in 1970.

What’s remarkable is that this Championship sits just fine with historically attuned Buckeye fans who unabashedly count that year as a notch in their title belt. Likewise, Texas fans are equally cool with their 1970 Title despite that the Longhorns also lost their bowl game (handily by 13 points to Notre Dame). The Coaches Poll was also prone to premature National Title ejaculation back then.

In fact, college football is so over-run with multiple national champions, there are actually 356 claimed titles despite there having only been 146 total seasons. Other sports aren’t quite so communistic. There have been 110 World Series and 110 Major League champions. There have been 94 NFL seasons. 94 NFL Champions. 76 NCAA Division I Mens Basketball seasons. 76 NCAA Division I Mens Basketball Champions. 64 NBA seasons. 64 NBA Champions.

You see where this is headed?

So “open-to-interpretation” are college football title claims, some programs have declared themselves champions of particular seasons decades after the fact. Alabama, Notre Dame, and USC are especially adept at retroactive trophy collecting. And some of their hardware requires assertions so outlandish, they’d make Baron Munchausen stand up and scream — LIAR!

So, back to our 2015 scenario. Nebraska beats everybody on the regular season slate. But then they go to Indianapolis and get beat by the Urbhio State Buckmeyers and the playoff selection committee does not ring up Mike Riley’s phone.

Shit out of luck?

No sir!

We simply need to refer to anything after the regular season as an “exhibition game.” As long as Nebraska survives the regular season with no more than 1 loss, what happens in the exhibition portion of the year is irrelevant. Per college football history.

Outside of the 5 seasons in which Nebraska was declared National Champions, my favorite year of college football was 1960. For no other reason than the leeway its sheer lunacy provides in allowing titles to be doled out to just anybody.

As some of you may already know, the Minnesota Golden Gophers were at one time college football juggernaut. This reputation stems largely from Minnesota’s four AP National Titles — including the very first Associated Press Title handed out in 1936.

AP titles are the longest running order of fully recognized “legit” championships and it is a pretty big deal to be awarded one. Even when you include the results of the 1960 football season.

As it turns out, the Associated Press changed their voting system in 1960 as a response to the embarrassment of the previous season in which 200 AP voters split their first place votes among SEVEN different schools. Syracuse was the overall winner in 1959, but Mississippi, LSU, Texas, Georgia, Wisconsin and Alabama all had enough merit to garner at least one media cheerleader in their corner for the final assessment of the season.

By the way, look how showered the SEC was with media love even back in 1959.

Now, to avoid such future logjams of varying opinions, the Associated Press trimmed their voting block down to the ballots of just 48 sports writers for 1960. And it was the first year in which they implemented the weighted vote of 20 points for first place, 19 points for second place, 18 points for third and so on. But still, the final vote would happen at the end of the regular season.

The result was, balls out, the most ridiculous AP champion of all time. The 8-2 Minnesota Gophers.

Minnesota’s AP trophy came after beating just one team with a better than 5-4 record — Iowa, who ended the year 8-1 and ranked #3 but did not compete in any a bowl game because of a Big 10 rule in which conference teams could only play in the Rose Bowl. And, as head-to-head winners, that trip belonged to Minnesota.

After beating Iowa, Minnesota subsequently lost to 4-4-1 Purdue by 9 points. They then beat a sub .500 Wisconsin, standing at 8-1, they picked up their AP National Title trophy and then headed to Pasadena where they were nearly skunked by PAC-8 Champion, Washington, to the tune of 17-7.

When all “exhibition” games were finished for 1960, these following teams all had better records than the Gophers: 11-0 Missouri (finished #5), 11-0 New Mexico State (finished #17), 10-0-1 Mississippi (finished #2), 10-1 Washington (finished #6), 8-1 Iowa (finished #3), 8-1 Rutgers (finished unranked) 9-2 Florida (finished #18), 9-2 Navy (finished #4) and 9-2 Utah State (finished the year unranked).

If the votes were cast after the Bowl games, it would be hard to see ranking Minnesota better than 4th or 5th for that year. The title would have probably gone to either Washington, Missouri or Mississippi.

And yet, the record book still says “Minnesota: 1960 College Football National Champions.”

This is the kind of racket Nebraska can get in on in 2015.

All we need is for Mike Riley to kick off his baptismal Husker season with an 11-1 or 12-0 run. And then have an organization declare a 2015 champion before the conference championship games.

That’s where Big Red Fury comes in.

I propose a new college football award organization. The Big Red Fury Collegiate Gridiron Association or: BRFCGA. This organization will be a panel of any such people willing to vote in a college football champion at the conclusion of the regular season — and unwilling to consider any team for the top spot not named Nebraska.

The panel will consist of the three members of Big Red Fury plus Jason Peter, Tommy Lee and Larry the Cable Guy.

Peter Lee Cable GuyThe greatest power trio Nebraska has ever known.

Jason and Larry will, no doubt, be in the tank for the Huskers. Heck, we may even get a #1 vote from Larry with three losses. Who knows? Tommy may take some cajoling to avoid throwing his vote away on somebody like San Jose State or Wake Forest. We just need to remind him that Dear Old Nebraska U is his alma mater for the three-week stint he had in Lincoln back in 2005. It’s quite possible that he doesn’t remember that far back, but showing him pictures of himself decked out in drumline gear ought to trigger some kind of cogitation.

As for the three Big Red Fury voters, at least one of us will be on board from the opening kick-off. The rest is up to Mike Riley’s orchestration.

So, sit back. Enjoy Nebraska’s 2015 National Championship run and give a little toast to the 1960 Gophers. Thanks to their precedent, we’ve got this thing in the bag.

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Hey Everyone! It’s Game Week.

Welcome to the best Monday of the year.

Game week has finally arrived.

Just a couple months ago, it seemed like this day would never get it here. Now, every day is suddenly like Hanukkah except our daily gift is that we’re 24 hours closer kick off.

While this might be a good time to start spinning our Husker dreidel and try to predict what the future may hold for Mike Riley’s first squad, we’re not going to do that.

There’s so much optimism that abounds with first game week of the season that we’re not about to harsh that mellow with any doom, gloom and/or reality.

For college football fans, spring is blooming in the prologue of fall.

Even the World-Herald’s Tom Shatel is riding in business class on the Husker happy train. His Sunday column pitching the concept of positive football was very welcome surprise.

While the previous guy’s favorite go-to line (after “next question,” of course) was “trust the process,” we’d like to go ahead and revise that phrase to fit Mike Riley.

Move over, trust.

It’s time to ENJOY THE PROCESS.

There’s no clearer example of that philosophy than the Huskers team photo for 2015.

Huskers Team Photos 2015
Your 2015 Nebraska Cornhuskers, ladies and gentlemen.

Look at Mike Riley (front row, dead center) smiling like a guy who ended up in more unlikely situation than his fellow Alabama alum Forrest Gump. (For the record, Riley would have missed the Gump era by a few years.)

Here’s a closer look at the guy.

Mike Riley Smiling
Seriously, Nick Saban doesn’t even smile that big when he wins a championship.

There’s no doubt that Riley knows this season is going to be a heck of a ride no matter how it shakes out. We might as well follow his lead and do our best to enjoy every twist and turn and unexpected loop.

 

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Huskers, Mike Riley

All Your Clichés Belong To Us: Predicting Husker Loss Reaction

As June creeps towards July, the dog days of the Husker off-season are upon us.

If you haven’t been swayed by summer and all her lovely distractions, you may have noticed the full-time Husker media has been chiseling away at the bottom of the Husker news barrel since just after Memorial Day. They have an unbelievable amount of air-time and column inches to fill and somehow, they’re making it work.

I imagine they all gather for regular meetings in Tom Shatel’s basement to discuss their story ideas for an upcoming week and draw their daily topics of discussion from a well worn bingo ball tumbler that was a solid find at a church garage  sometime during the Solich era.

How else can you explain the magic that no talk radio show or writer ever covers the exact same topic on the same day?

One area that has yet to become a topic of open discussion is the elephant in the room that is Husker Nation.

What will be the reaction if a Mike Riley led Husker team ever loses?

Please note: I said if. Not when.

I am by no means advocating for a Husker loss.

But I do know that during slow periods, it’s standard practice for news outlets to write obituaries in advance so that when a person famous enough to warrant a pre-written obituary kicks the bucket, they can have one ready to go with minimal updates.

With any Husker loss feeling like a death in the family, I’d bet a stack of Runzas there at least a couple sportswriters who’ve been outlining what they’re going to write following the first loss of the Mike Riley era- should one ever occur, of course.

With that in mind, we’re going to make some bold predictions, aka hot takes, on what might be said following such a tragic event.

Mike Riley Lincoln
Mike Riley, asking which way to run out of Lincoln. (Just in case.)

If Mike Riley’s Huskers ever suffer a loss, we’ll come back to this and see how we did on our cliché predictions:

“Well, the honeymoon is over. Like any marriage, this day was inevitable. The first test between Mike Riley and the state of Nebraska is upon us.”
 – First writer to file their post game analysis gets dibs on the most obvious lede ever.

“The life of Riley just got a lot harder.” – The second most obvious lede.

“The Mike Riley era began with a humbling loss in front of a nationwide television audience but when the final whistle blew, the Huskers and their new coach were not the laughing stock of the country unlike season’s past.” – On the off-chance BYU opens their season with a win in Lincoln.

“This defeat doesn’t sting or humble any less than the others but Husker Nation can show some pride in knowing this setback was taken on the chin with dignity and class, elements missing from the Husker sideline for far too long.” – Losing with class will be a major theme. (If a loss ever happens.)

“Sorry, Coach Riley. This is where Nebraska nice gives way to Nebraska expectations.” – This one is right in Dirk Chatelain’s wheelhouse.

“Those shallow wrinkles on the 62-year-old coach’s boyish face are about to become etched a whole lot deeper.” – Again, this one is all Dirk.

“Coach Riley is going to start looking his age real quick.”
– The over/under on sportswriters using this one is 5.

“Gone are the jaunts down to the Haymarket for a happy hour beer and a photo or two with the fans.” – Sipple. Naturally.

“It was a loss that will give Riley’s coaching staff dream team nightmares for days to come.” – This one better not happen. The Justice League of America is not as well assembled as Riley’s crew.

“After today’s humbling defeat, there’s no way the happy go lucky coach could ever be brave enough to bum a ride home from a fan.” – Not to worry, Coach. The code uberBigRedFury will get you a free ride from Uber. (This deal also applies to you, dear readers.) 

“The trio of coaches who failed to escape the long shadow cast by Tom Osborne’s 25 year legacy has now become a quartet.”
– Sam McKewon, Omaha World-Herald.

The Nirvana of coaches who failed to escape the long shadow cast by Tom Osborne’s 25 year legacy has found their Pat Smear in Coach Riley. – Sam McKewon, back in his Nebraska State Paper Days.

“When the consistent mediocrity of a 9 win season, suddenly becomes a pie in the sky dream…” – Worst case scenario if the Huskers lose more than once.

“No matter which way you slice it, losing with class is still losing.”
– An average member of Huskermax.

“Maybe he should have kept paying by the night at the Embassy Suites.”
– A below average member of Huskermax.

“If you take I-80 west for 140 miles or so, you’ll be able to pick up the Oregon Trail and follow that home.” –  A Huskermax member who thinks the coaches actually turn the forums for advice.

“The special, allergen-free paint in the home the Riley’s spent so much time searching for is barely dry and it may already be time to put it back on the market.” – Nobody better say this one. I feel bad for even thinking it.

 

 

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Nebraska: Where there is no off-season

Hey there. Remember us?

Yes, us. Big Red Fury, that Nebraska Cornhusker site that fell off the radar on the eve of the of the most important Spring Game in nearly a decade.

Well, there’s not much to say other than we got busy and by ‘we’ that is the proverbial royal we as this place is mostly a one-man operation but that is soon changing. We’re about to become a multi-person operation.

The last time we checked-in, Mike Riley was about to do his first Tunnel Walk and we were about to head out to scenic West Covina (aka the hometown of Lawrence Phillips) to play in the annual Dodger Blogger Softball Tournament.

Luckily for those of us on team Sons of Steve Garvey, we had a two game bye when Jon Soo Hoo, the Dodgers’ Team Photographer, was on-scene so our “athletic” exploits weren’t documented for posterity but we did succeed in having the drunkest team photo.

Anyway, we rolled our way to the semis which was no small achievement for us. Plus, we had our own team photographer to capture us at our best.

Todd Flailing
Your humble author, holding down the hot corner. Photo: Scott Killeen

The whole reason for bringing this up is that one of our female ringers on our team ended up being from Columbus. Once we discovered our Nebraska connection, that thing happened when you put two Nebraskans together and they instantly start speaking their own language.

“Runza!”

“Dorothy Lynch!”

“Potato Oles!”

“Dannebrog!”

We had a great Nebraska bro-down and it made the anguish of missing the Spring Game a little more bearable though it did get a little stressful checking Twitter between pitches. Depending on the source, players were either crushing it or forgetting how to play football or were already filling out their transfer paperwork on the sideline. Oh how the rumors swirl when you’re the last quarterback to take the field. (Looking at you, Johnny Stanton.)

By the time it was over, Tommy is still the man, there’s going to be a logjam for the backup spot, DPE will go HAM next season, Imani might not be the featured back, and if the defense can get any linebackers on the roster, things might be OK for the Blackshirts.

Then good ol’ Lawrence Phillips (TODAY is his birthday, btw) popped up in the news for being suspected of murdering his cellmate at Kern Valley State Prison. Apparently it’s not sounding like the most difficult case to prove. Two guys are locked in a cell, one guy ends up strangled.

Lawrence Phillips Murder Suspect

Look, I’ve had some annoying roommates in my day and I know I’ve also been that annoying roommate but stone cold murdering one of them wasn’t exactly high on the list of options much the same as I hope I was never a potential “murderee.”

Ever since we shared our bizarre Lawrence Phillips story, I’ve kicked (OK, maybe not the best word) around the idea of reaching out to the guy to see how he’s been doing after being locked up for a half decade. Has there been any remorse? Is he working on his GED? Is he trying to mentor any short-timers?

Clearly that was not the case and for a guy who was on target to be released at the spry age of 57, tacking on a murder charge isn’t exactly the best move.

In better news though, Randy, Kenny and Ameer all got drafted by the NFL. Here’s hoping they all have long and illustrious careers.

Randy Gregory Dallas Cowboys
If Randy Gregory can make it through camp, look for Macho Man Randy Sackage be snapping into some quarterbacks this Fall.

Then how about that Coach Who Shall Not Be Named 2.0? Dude is  will be getting paid $128,009 a month for the next four years to not coach the Huskers. While a crappy lottery ticket every month sounds like a lot of money, believe it or not he’s actually saving Nebraska $1.4 million thanks to landing on his feet back home in Youngstown.

And finally, we’re thrilled to announce that Haley Archer, aka the Harchinator, is joining Big Red Fury as our first-ever student contributor. Hayley is a Broadcasting student from Minneapolis who made the very wise decision of defecting to Husker Nation. Sorry, Gopher-land. She’s one of us now.

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

22 Red Hot Nebraska Spring Game Predictions

Where does the time go? Seems like just yesterday that Coach Who Shall Not Be Named 2.0 was dropping C-Bombs on a secret recording and now it’s already the first Spring Game of the Mike Riley era.

Just because I’m going to be a bad Husker fan and skip out on the Spring Game in favor of playing for Team Sons of Steve Garvey in the annual Dodger Blogger Softball Tournament doesn’t mean I can’t make some bold, bold Spring Game predictions.

If you’re reading from a mobile device, put on an oven mitt before scrolling because these are some hot takes.

1. Tommy Armstrong will complete some passes.

2. Tommy Armstrong will not complete some passes.

3. Quarterbacks AJ Bush, Johnny Stanton and Zack Darlington will all flash enough skill to give your annoying friend enough ammo to claim that Armstrong won’t be the starter in 2015.

4. Meanwhile, quarterback Ryker Fyfe will pop up just long enough to make you remember that he’s still on the team. Then again, this could be Ryker’s last stand once Maliek gets turned loose.

5. Five QBs will lead to message board rumblings that one or more will transfer.

6. It will be a record breaking day for the number of fans cheering for a Mike Riley lead team. Riley’s biggest home stadium was San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium with a capacity of 70,561. More than 65,000 tickets have already been sold for the Spring Game. Even if there isn’t a single walk up, a record will still be set because those 65,000 fans are all cheering for the same team. One of the perks of the Spring Game- no pesky visiting fans.

Now the question is, will the record 80,149 fans that attended Coach Who Shall Not Be Named 2.0’s first Spring Game be topped?

Mike Riley Huskers
Even if Coach Riley isn’t quite old enough to need Depends, we heartily suggest that he straps-on a set and buckles ’em up tight. That first Tunnel Walk will be a doozy.

7. A sportswriter will say the sky’s the limit for the revamped Huskers in 2015.

8. A sportswriter will say the sky is falling and the revamped Huskers are doomed in 2015.

9. If strength and conditioning coach Mark Phillip hosts a halftime arm rasslin’ contest, he will win.

Strength Coach Mark Phillip Nebraska
New rule: Any time Mark Philip is spotted in Lincoln you must yell “This is Sparta!” Then run away as fast as you can.

10. De’Mornay Pierson-El will do something awesome.

11. The Blackshirts will throw the bones like the days of yore.

12. However, too much bone throwing will cause people to fret that the offensive line has some leaky pipes. So please, Huskers, try to find a happy balance and not kick your own asses too bad.

13. Imani Cross will break off a beastly run that will remind everyone that it’s his turn to be in the spotlight.

14. The first offensive play will be a run through the tackles and have the QB under center.

15. The second play from scrimmage will be a COMPLETED deep ball.

16. At least one coach will take the reins of Der Viener Schlinger.

17. A blue hair’s “Sit down. We can’t see through you.” will be in mid-season form.

18. The newly installed jet sweeps will send fans into Wisconsin induced PTSD panic attacks.

19. While it may not run like a well-oiled machine all of the time, the new, “boring” offense will not make anyone miss that guy at Ohio State.

20. Some Huskers will win.

21. Some Huskers will lose.

22. Following the game, all of the coaches will gush about how they’ve never experienced anything quite like a Husker game day before remembering the Spring Game was just a warm up for the real thing. Then they’ll hunker down and really get to work.

Inheriting a program as hallowed  as the Huskers is something that doesn’t come around often.

GBR!

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College Football, Huskers

College Football Season is Over. Now What?

With one final gasp, college football season has officially ended.

To borrow a phrases from the great Mick Betancourt, resorting to senior showcase games for your college football fix is “licking the baggie time.”

As of today, there are 33 weeks until the Huskers’ 2015 season kicks off.

To help make the time fly, here’s a list of activities to take your mind off the sorrow.

1. Go cold turkey and completely take a break from college football.

Lock yourself in a room with nothing but some canned goods, an old black and white TV, and assorted buckets and don’t come out until after March 1st. You won’t miss much.

2. Embark on your own Bugeater Challenge. Did you know the University of Nebraska has 24 athletic programs, 22 of which have home games/matches/meets? Go down the Big Red rabbit hole and see them all.

3. Check out some Husker games you weren’t around to see.

HuskerTapes.com is an amazing treasure trove of Husker clips from the days of yore and not-so-yore. New clips are always being added to its YouTube page so be sure to subscribe.

4. Get reacquainted with the wife. When was the last time you went to Home Depot and maybe even Bed Bath & Beyond on a Saturday?

 5. Plant the seeds of your Get Out of Jail passes. This should probably be 5b but this is our list, dammit. Thanks to the magic of television, it’s all to easy to watch college football from sun up to the wee hours of Sunday morning for 13 consecutive Saturdays. During the course of a season, even the most tolerant spouse will draw a line in the relationship sand (probably sometime during the 4th quarter of a heated contest between Hawaii and San Jose State). To help keep that moment at bay for as long as possible, take a page out of my book. Starting August 1st, I will start a flurry of home improvement projects during the weekends leading up to week one to earn that valuable couch time. Sure, we may have a few loose bathroom tiles that could stand to be fixed right now but I’ll be putting that project off until the dog days of summer.

6. Start rallying everyone you know to help make the Spring Game a sellout. We’ll go in-depth on the reasoning behind this as April gets closer but long story short, with BYU coming to town to start the season, we don’t need Mike Riley and his staff blown away by the game day atmosphere and distracted by Der Viener Schlinger.

7. Read a book. We suggest picking up a vintage copy of Armen Keteyian’s Big Red Confidential. You can get one for a penny plus shipping on the Amazon. This scandalous tell-all leading up to 1987 Game of the Century II against Oklahoma ruffled a lot of feathers when it was first released. Today, it’s a fascinating Husker time capsule. How much is really true? Hard to say, but in the decades that followed its release, Armen cemented himself as pretty a trusted journalist.

Big Red Confindential

8. Learn a new skill. On our to-do list for this off-season, we’re finally going to learn how to ollie a skateboard and ride a wheelie. Seriously.

9. Assemble the perfect game day outfit. Searching “Vintage Nebraska Cornhuskers” always turns up some amazing results on the eBay, especially in the off-season. Now is the time to finally get that sweet Apex polo you drooled over back in the early ’90s and become the envy of your tailgate.

Tom Osborne Apex

10. Beat Faux Pelini in a footrace.

He should be easy to find. He’ll be the guy running in a sweater with a cat on his shoulder.

11. Give yourself a quick refresher on when it is a good time to tweet at an athlete and when it is not a good time.

Why does this list stop at 11? Because that’s how many wins this Huskers will have next season. You can take that to the Bank(er).

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College Football, Huskers

Hot Carl Take: Come Live With Us, Uncle Carl

The Omaha World-Herald must be warming up for next week’s Kick a Ginger Day with  Kick a Pelini day by reporting (and repeatedly tweeting) that Carl Pelini will not be considered to be the head coach of Des Moines Lincoln High School, a job for which Carl submitted his resume.

And if you believe unsubstantiated tweets, the Des Moines job was Carl’s third strike on the high school coaching search.

Poor guy wants to get back into the coaching game and he’s being treated like someone who’s been given a court order to not go anywhere near a school full of children.

Carl Pelini Stink Finger

Luckily, we have a plan.

Uncle Carl, you can come live with us.

Right here at Big Red Fury Headquarters.

We have a guest room (with its own bathroom), the fridge is always stocked with good beer, we have all the cable channels (except Cinemax) along with Netflix, Amazon Prime and Hulu Plus, and get this, from our front door, we are a mere 340 yards from the football field at Los Angeles High.

Maybe as part of your job search you saw that LA High rebounded from a dismal 1 – 9 season a year ago to win this year’s Division III City Section Championship?

Yes, a school with over 2,000 students is considered Division III in LA.

While LA High might be the oldest and one of the most distinguished high school in Southern California, its glory days are fading fast. With the LAUSD dropout rate currently at 44% (that’s an improvement, BTW), a premium isn’t exactly placed on extra-curricular activities at public schools.

In fact, the only way I know of LA High’s recent success is because they splurged on temporary lights for this year’s playoffs.

I assumed the field being lit up on a Friday night was due to being used for a movie shoot  but the roar of the crowd told otherwise. So like a moth to a flame, I made the one block hike to experience my first ever Roman football game.

This was the scene:

Friday Night Light
There’s nothing like the thrill of high school football under the Friday night light.

COLD FANS
LA High fans bundled up in November just like any other fans. The only exception- it was 60 degrees at kickoff.

LA HIGH DJ
The Marching Romans had the night off but a DJ kept the crowd going.

IMG_2873
On the field, the Romans’ powerful rushing attack paved the way to the City Section Championship at the Coliseum.

Uncle Carl, what we saw that night was football at its finest. It was simply football for the sake of football. Playing on a dusty and beaten field under the shadow of goal posts made from 2x4s, the LA High kids showed an amazing amount of grit, determination, and pride.

A lot of that is owed to the Romans’ new coach, Eric Scott. Like yourself, Scott hit a couple bumps in the road and found a new start at LA High, turning around both himself and the program. With you on his staff, there’s no doubt Roman Empire would soar to new heights.

Plus, when your squad isn’t practicing, you can work on your novel in the library and soak up the vibes of Ray Bradbury and Charles Bukowski, two of LA High’s distinguished alumni.

You can see the requirements to be a Volunteer Coach here.

LA HIGH VOLUNTEER COACHING REQUIREMENTS
Please note: I know a guy who knows a guy who can take care of any issues with your fingerprints. A TB test is a scan for Tuberculosis, it is not a check for a new social disease. I’ll do my best to find out exactly what kind of conduct is on that “Code of Conduct.”

If you’re still not sold, here’s one last carrot with which to temp you.

JUMBOS CLOWN ROOM

Jumbo’s Clown Room might not look like much during the day but at night it transforms to the Second Happiest Place on Earth. You think you had a wild time in Florida? Spend a couple nights with me at Jumbo’s. Every single visit is like a hand job for the mind. I might even be able to rally Lemmy (yes, that Lemmy) to help give you a proper welcome to the City of Angels.

What do you think, Uncle Carl?

Give the word and I’ll start sucking up to my wife.

 

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College Football

Field Trip: Lending Our Support to the Other Big Red

Yesterday sure was an amazing day in college football wasn’t it?

Thanks to the Big Red being absent from the New Year’s Day slate, I was able to kick back and enjoy a stress-free day of football from dawn to dusk.

Shortly after Jameis Winston suffered his season defining humiliation…

I managed to peel myself off the couch, find some pants and make the three mile journey up to The Happy Ending,  our local Husker “watch site” which also doubles as a “backer bar” for the Buckeyes of The Ohio State University.

In the year 2015, it was nice to see regional dialects alive and well. Had no idea the term backer bar even existed until I mentioned the phrase watch site, which sent the table full of Buckeyes I was sitting with into a giggle fit.  And as they pointed out, calling a bar a watch site is strictly a Nebraska phenomenon. The Google doesn’t lie.

Anyway, I went to cheer on the other Big Red (tOSU doesn’t have an equivalent nickname as I learned) in support of a friend who bleeds the whole Buckeye color palate and in support of America in general. Any team that can make Nick Saban sad is a friend of mine.

This season, there were just a couple Nebraska and Ohio State games that overlapped and when they did, it was only for a few minutes with their game wrapping up as ours kicked off.  The only interactions us Huskers had with Buckeye fans went no further than a simple and respectful head nod as we weaved through their ground floor crowd to our upstairs party room. Things certainly weren’t like 2011 and 2012 when our teams went head-to-head and resulted in a bar full of fans ready to reenact the climactic rumble from The Outsiders.

Random observations from my time as a temporary Buckeye fan:

Much like Los Angeles being home to the greatest number of Armenians outside of Armenia, the same can be said for people from Ohio. I’ve seen a lot in my days as a Husker fan but nothing prepared be for the shock and bewilderment of seeing a bar at standing-room-only an hour before kickoff. We’re talking a solid 300 tOSU fans packed under one roof. In Husker Nation’s defense, we do have many more watch sites than tOSU has backer bars, causing our fan base to be much more diluted.

Why yes, Ohio State fans are getting pumped by listening to You’re the Best Around.

They all thought Pelini getting fired was hilarious.

They were quite welcoming to a Husker fan in their midst. Though one of them did crow about that one time in college when they beat a Ron Dayne lead Nebraska team.

Husker Hoodie
As an emissary of Husker Nation, I made sure my allegiance to the Big Red was front and center.

Buckeye fans are ridiculously coordinated in their cheering. Instead of only springing into action when someone randomly starts a Go Big Red, they had a guy with a whistle calling out cheers. Seeing them in action was like watching a bunch of pasty, Midwestern looking Brazilians cheering on the Canarinho during the World Cup. Gotta tip my Snap-On hat to that one.

Ohio State’s offense is eerily similar to the offense formerly directed by Tim Beck in terms of its explosiveness, curious play calls,  and straight up Yolo-ness.

Spend the 4th quarter repeatedly getting stuffed? Time to break off an 85 yard TD run. Just need to kill the clock to end the game? Dial up 50 yard bomb. Having trouble punching it in out of the shotgun? Better have a wide receiver make an impossible TD pass.

This is the sort of reaction a wide receiver’s needle threading touchdown pass elicits.

By the time Alabama’s Hail Mary was intercepted, I had developed a new appreciation for Ohio State fans. Granted, they might be a little too in love with the slop dished up by Skyline Chili but their love for their Buckeyes is truly a sight to behold.

OHIO STATE FAN

Hopefully, my new found Buckeye friends won’t be too crushed when my allegiance switches to the Ducks for the championship game.

Go Big Green!

Or whatever Oregon fans say.

 

 

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