Tag Archives: cornhuskers

Welcome to Nebraska, Mike Riley. Here’s a Survival Guide.

December 5, 2014 Todd Munson

Dear Coach Riley,

Welcome to Nebraska and the Cornhuskers. After we wrapped our head around your out-of-the-blue hiring, we must say we became very interested and excited to see what you can do for the Big Red.

Moving from Oregon to Nebraska will no doubt require a bit of readjustment on your part. To help make the transition as seamless as possible, we’ve taken the liberty of writing up a handy little Nebraska Survival Guide for you.

THE NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS – Your new team is the biggest attraction in America’s 37th state by a country mile. Note that we didn’t qualify that statement by saying “sports attraction.” To explain just how obsessed the state is with the Big Red would require 5,000 words to barely scrape the surface. You know how bananas those hippies in Portland go for cruelty-free artisan vegan cheese? Multiply that excitement by a factor of 100 and you’re getting close to how the average Nebraskan feels about the Huskers.

Be careful with the alternate uniform thing. While we think it’s a great change of pace to see a fresh look once a year, any deviation from the classic scarlet and cream will bring out the fashion critics and staunch traditionalists. Or, you could simply order adidas to stop making borderline hideous uniforms.

MEMORIAL STADIUM – Those empty seats at Reser Stadium when the Ducks were in Corvallis last week? Not going to happen at your new home. Not even Bill Callahan could stop a sellout streak that currently stands at 340 consecutive games. When it began back in 1962, the stadium’s capacity was just a little bigger than Reser Stadium at 48,000.

Now 87,000 fans pack the joint every game day. Many will stand up the whole time, except for the people on the west side of the stadium. That’s where the blue hairs (old folks) all sit. Try not to complain about them too much. They write big checks in exchange for getting to complain about all the hip hop and yell witty things such as “Sit down. We can’t see through you.” when young and rowdy fans (anyone under 75) make the mistake of sitting among the elderly.

The student section is in the south end zone. Be cool to those kids. In fact, be really nice to them. Bring them donuts before games. The seating is general admission and the most rabid fans will sleep on the sidewalk the night before games to lock down a front row seat. They’ve got a such a good thing going with the Iron N Club right now that we’re very tempted to go back to school and deal with being the creepy old guy in class just so we can take part in the fun.

And please, try not to poop your pants the first time you do the Tunnel Walk.

TOM OSBORNEDo whatever you have to do to get on this man’s good side. Grease him with a Cabela’s gift card if you have to. If you can get him to vouch for you, you’ll be way ahead of the game. A few years ago he ran for governor (after several terms in Congress) and Nebraskans decided to vote for the other guy in hopes that T.O. would return to the Athletic Department. He’s also on the College Football Playoff committee though the can’t “technically” try to “influence” the voting when it comes to the Huskers.

TOMMIE FRAZIER

Yes. That really is the quarterback who lead the Huskers to glory in the mid-90’s. He is not a player’s overly enthusiastic uncle trying to pull your leg. If he ever goes on a Twitter rampage about any standards you’re not living up to, just ask him how his coaching career went.

JASON PETER

This skinny guy who looks like a Limp Bizkit enthusiast anchored the Huskers’ defensive line for all three national championship seasons in the 90’s. What can we say? Heroin is a hell of a drug. But it’s not as strong as the human spirit. Jason kicked the smack and turned his life around for the better. If you know anyone struggling with addiction, we can personally attest that his book can really be an inspiration. In the photo above, he’s “throwing the bones” the universal symbol for someone-on-the-other-team-just-got-destroyed.

When BYU comes to town to kickoff next season, call a play on their first possession that results in their quarterback being decapitated. We’re not joking. Like, the guy’s head really gets separated from the rest of his body. Yes, it’s rude and may result in having to forfeit the game but if you can pull it off, Jason will gladly do your yard work for the duration of your stay in Lincoln.

NDAMUKONG SUH

If you see this man working out in your weight room, don’t you dare accuse him of sneaking in. The damn place is named after him. Maybe you remember him from his high school days in Oregon? Even if you don’t, it’s best to let Suh have whatever he wants.

JACK HOFFMAN

If a little dude reports for spring practice with his helmet and pads, you are not being punk’d. His name is Jack. He’s part of the team and he can motor. Maybe you’ve seen his highlight reel?

LARRY THE CABLE GUY

This is the Huskers’ celebrity fan base. Good luck with that. Actually, Dan (yes, that’s his real name) is a great guy and a huge supporter. Don’t know if you saw it, but he was so excited about your arrival that he was tweeting rational, complete and fully punctuated sentences.

LINCOLN –Your new home may be five times bigger than Corvallis but don’t think you can simply disappear in the big city. Every move you make will be closely monitored and reported. Did you know Jim Tressel was spotted in Lincoln by multiple sources throughout the week and he wasn’t even in town? That’s how closely fans watch things. Even when you’re in Ohio, you’re really in Lincoln.

The best part of Lincoln for a newcomer is that the streets are laid out on a grid system. Lettered streets run east – west with “O” being the dividing line between the north and south side of town. Numbered streets go north and south. As long as you don’t travel outside of the alphabet, Lincoln is the easiest city in the world to navigate. If some kids invite you to a kegger at 16th and K, those are all the coordinates you need.

THE NEBRASKA STATE CAPITOL- You’re not imagining things. Everyone thinks it looks like a giant penis. Some of its popular nicknames are The Penis of the Plains, The Hard-on of The Heartland, The Meat of the Midwest, The Dick of Downtown, The Cock of the Countryside, The Phallus of the Farmland, The Schlong of The City, the list goes on… Inside the Capitol is where America’s only unicameral state legislature does its work.

YIA-YIA’S – Best pizza in town. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

THE NIGHT BEFORE LOUNGE – While the downtown location is convenient, Shaker’s is worth the drive. The last time we were at The Night Before, a dancer answered a phone call from her kid while on-stage. We are not making that up.

OMAHA – About 50 miles to the east is Nebraska’s largest city. It’s a chunk smaller than Portland. The good news for you is that neither of its big colleges have football teams, unlike that Eugene place just up the road from your old stomping grounds. UNO (aka University of No Opportunity) cut its football program and Creighton only has a basketball team to boast about. You’ll find there’s a section of fans who split their loyalty between Husker football and Creighton basketball. Never listen to a single word these people say.

If you need help with your finances, find a guy named Warren who lives there. He apparently has a knack for that sort of stuff.

BEAVER CROSSING – If you ever get homesick, there’s a little slice of home about 35 miles west of Lincoln.

THE MEDIA – As we said earlier, your new team is the state’s main event and as such it requires dozens of reporters to cover your every move. Thanks to an unquenchable thirst for Husker news, the journalism industry is staying alive and well in Nebraska. (At least when it comes to the Huskers.) All those people who were at your introductory press conference will be there every week. (Free sandwiches draw them in like moths to a flame.)

Here’s who you need to know-

TOM SHATEL

While he can seem easily confused by technology, Tom is still the gold standard for Husker beat writers. For the big-monied boosters out west who still prefer to read their news to be in print the day after it happens, his word is gospel. If you can refrain from ever passing the ball on second and 1, you’ll stay in his good graces for a longtime.

SAM McKEWON

Sam is the most talented and consistently rational writer on the Husker beat. He could write for the New Yorker if he wanted to. He calls things how he sees them and his opinion doesn’t pendulum from week to week. If you want to blow his mind, talk movies with him sometime. Anything from Paul Thomas Anderson, the Coen Brothers or Richard Linklater would be a good starting point. If you lead with Lars von Trier, he might get suspicious.

STEVEN M. SIPPLE

The guy at your press conference who looks like he slept in his car (he did and it’s a good story) goes by the nickname Sip. His office is two arm punts from yours so if you ever need to get some news out quick, hit him up. If you need to get some news out really quick, take him out a few times and he’ll give you his log in credentials so you can write what you want him to say yourself. In all seriousness, Sip really knows his stuff and is a solid reporter.

DIRK CHATELAIN

Dirk is like the old guy Kane from Poltergeist 2. He’ll show up on your porch with good intentions but is really just biding his time before he unleashes hell. If he looked tired at your press conference, it’s because he was up all night breaking down game film from your time with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to find tendencies in your coaching methods and demeanor that can be exploited at a later date. As the “Nebraska Sportswriter of the Year,” you need to show this man respect. He had to beat out 12 other writers to earn that title. To the “serious” Husker bloggers this man is Tyler Durden. They’ll parrot whatever he says and defend his honor to the death.

SEAN CALLAHAN

Sean is your nosy neighbor who chopped down a 50-year-old oak tree in his backyard so that it’s easier to keep tabs on you. His sources’, sources have sources, so good luck keeping anything under wraps.

FANS

Nebraska fans can be so nice that it’s alarming. They can also be so vindictive they’ll secretly record a private conversation and sit on it for a couple years before leaking it to Deadspin. In their eyes, there’s no such thing as running the ball too much or scoring too many points. Should your team ever make a bad play, make a good play ASAP.

If you continue to have your practices open to the public, don’t be surprised if they show up. All of them.

HUSKERMAX – When doomsday preppers need a break from organizing canned goods down in their bunkers, they like to chat in the Huskermax forums. Don’t ever look inside. It can be a dark and scary place that makes moon landing conspiracy theorists seem sane and rational.

I-80 – Nebraska’s mighty interstate that cuts through the middle of the state. If you ever need to test your sanity, drive the length of it some time. Even when you’re not on drugs, crossing the same river five or six times will make you feel like you’re hallucinating.

GRAVEL ROADS – You’re traveling down one of Nebraska’s many gravel roads while on the hunt for the next great lineman and you’re about to cross paths with another vehicle, what do you do?

You lift your index finger off the steering wheel as a means of saying hello and nothing more. If you don’t lift your finger, that farmer will flip a u-turn and chase you down to find out what your problem is.

TORNADOES – If sirens start wailing like the North Koreans are attacking, seek shelter in the nearest basement. They’re easy to find. All houses in Nebraska have basements.

CORN – Can’t miss it. It’s everywhere. The scientific term for the exact amount is “Holy fucking shit, there’s a lot of corn in Nebraska.”

MOUNTAINS AND TREES – Believe it or not, virtually all five of the trees you see in Nebraska were planted by hand which lead to the birth of Arbor Day. If you want to see trees and mountains like back home, drive west on I-80 seven or eight hours. Hang a left for Colorado or continue straight for Wyoming.

SUMMER – It gets so hot you’ll want to carry a spatula so you can peel your balls from your leg.

WINTER – It gets so cold your face will hurt. Like real, genuine pain. And there won’t be a snowflake in sight. The place is like a frozen desert.

SPRING – The second Tuesday in May.

FALL – The third Sunday in October.

BOOSTER’S WIVES – Stay away from them. The same goes for your defensive coordinator, especially him. Whoever that may be. (Please, please, please say Ed Orgeron.)

RUNZA – A big, beefy Twinkie and the official sandwich of Nebraska when the McRib isn’t in season. Go for the Swiss cheese and mushroom.

POP – It’s what Nebraska folk call soda. If you ask for a soda, you’ll be accused of being a Prius driving city slicker. Oh wait.

TIM MILES

If you become as popular as the basketball coach, check your finger for a ring because you probably won a championship.

Best of luck, Coach and Go Big Red!

College Football, Huskers

7 Off the Radar Candidates for Next Huskers Coach

December 3, 2014 Todd Munson

What have you heard about who will be the next head coach of the Huskers?

Do you believe Simone, the girl from economics class whose best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who says she saw Jim Tressel and Scott Frost spoon feeding each other ice cream down at 31 Flavors?

Or, do you believe that ~~Steve Pederson~~ Shawn Eichorst has an entirely different ace up his sleeve? A big fish already on the hook just waiting to be reeled in.

Who really knows?

In the meantime, while the “real media” stakes out airports around the country (can’t trust that damn flight tracker) we break down some strong off the radar options for next head coach of the Huskers.

Coach Danny O’Shea

As the kid brother of Heisman Trophy winner Kevin O’Shea, Danny is a fairly new coach who brings a fresh perspective to the game. If the Huskers lose a lot of recruits in transition, Coach O’Shea has proven himself to be more than capable of assembling a winning team out of whatever young cast-offs may be available and is a great motivator without having to do all that nasty screaming and yelling.

The key areas of concern for Coach O’Shea are that he’s from Ohio (might be best to avoid coaches from that state for a while) and his trusted offensive coordinator may rely on a computer a little too much for the average Nebraskan’s palate. If you thought Tim Beck’s play calls were odd, then you haven’t seen the Annexation of Puerto Rico.

Coach Ed Ainsworth

A candidate from the high school ranks, Coach Ainsworth’s program is based out of Oregon so you know some of that Scott Frost magic has had to have rubbed off on him. And get this, his most recent state championship winning team had a chick at quarterback! Like, she was born was born that way and not one of those new fangled Gender Identity Disorder types you’d see on Portlandia. Just imagine what he could do with a dude under center. That’s right, his offense is based out of the I-formation!

Coach Jimmy McGinty

If you thought T-Magic was a flake, try corralling Shane Falco. Coach McGinty brings an old-school attitude to the table without the hard-assed demeanor. Aside from being able to coach on short notice, his greatest skill is building a team. Give him a random group of scrubs from around the globe and he’ll turn them into a playoff contender.

Two random bits of Replacements trivia that will make you say whoa: The Replacements was Keanu’s second movie where he plays a former Ohio State quarterback. (If you don’t know the first, there’s no help for you.) And his job scraping barnacles off boats must have inspired Todd Marinovich because he really did that as an odd job.

Coach Venner

You want a coach with out-of-the-box thinking? Coach Venner dissected the rulebook and discovered there’s nothing that says you can’t sign a Yugoslavian (try finding that country on a current map) mule capable of kicking 100 yard field goals.

Following his successful run with the California Atoms, Coach Venner’s career shifted gears and he started managing an apartment building in Santa Monica. He really seems to dig the new gig and the “talent” at Harry’s Wonder Bar might not be strong enough to lure him away from the babes he loves chasing down at his local watering hole The Regal Beagle.

Coach Sam Winters

A proven winner at Eastern State University, Coach Winters’ Timberwolves are coming off an uncharacteristic 3 loss season. Couple those losses with a rash of scandals off the field and you have two big chunks of Husker fan kryptonite. On the upside, this does make the baggage of Jim Tressel’s Tattoo-Gate almost seem adorable.

Coach Harris

As the head coach of the college level Atoms, Coach Harris leads a very strong program though rather curiously, not much film exists of his team in action. He’s a great motivator in the locker room but his I’m-one-of-the-guys-too leadership style may be the catalyst for his team’s penchant for distractions off the field. If Jason Peter somehow ends up on the new Husker staff, he and Coach Harris could stir up trouble like it was the mid 90’s all over again.

Coach Ed Gennero

If a prolonged absence of a head coach turns the Husker football program into a pile of steaming hot garbage, Coach Gennero is just the man to extinguish the dumpster fire. The entire team quits out of loyalty to Bo? Coach Gennero doesn’t care. He’ll get Sinbad to anchor his defensive line and have everyone play ironman football.

He even has the “Jerry Kill factor” where he’s prone to ending up in the hospital on the eve of big games (always a clutch move for motivation). And that unfortunately leads to the biggest drawback of all. As much as Husker fans say they just want to be competitive, there’s no way in hell that Husker Nation would accept a coach who calls success winning ONE game in an entire season.

Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

An Open Letter to Dirk Chatelain

December 2, 2014 Todd Munson 1 Comment

Dear Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain-

Congratulations on your success in chasing Bo Pelini out of Memorial Stadium. After several years and countless hours of compiling damning stats and crafting easy-to-digest hyperbole, your hard work has paid finally off. A head coach kill is a most impressive notch for your fanny pack.

You earned it so don’t be shy about showing it off.

We know Pelini probably wasn’t the easiest or friendliest subject to cover but we always tried to give his gruffness both on and off the field the benefit of the doubt. When your job description entails getting young men who are essentially indentured servants to put their personal well being on the line and beat the shit out of other indentured servants, you’re bound to have a personality quirk or five.

But we’re not here to talk about Pelini’s personality, Dirk.

We’re here to talk about yours.

Dirk, if you are actually reading this, your blood is likely working its way up to a boil right now. Or, you could prove our baseless assumptions wrong and be chuckling to yourself.

Either way, please bear with us.

We’re about to drop some real talk.

In the days or weeks leading up to Shawn Eichorst naming the next head coach of the Huskers, you have a golden opportunity to go back to the drawing board and formulate a plan to get to the proverbial next level.

It’s time to stop being the Dirk who topples a program and divides a fan base with a million tiny paper cuts and become the Dirk who wields his keyboard like a motherfucking Hanzo Sword.

Dirk, if you were a professional wrestler, the honest truth is that in your current state, you’d be a mid-level heel. We spent a solid 20 minutes deep in the Wikipedia rabbit hole trying to pinpoint the perfect wrestler you most resemble but couldn’t think of one. The best we can come up with is the framework of a heel whose signature move would be sticking their opponent with a foreign object and then cowering behind the ref. The foundation is there but there’s no personality.

However, that can be fixed.

Without a shred of doubt, we know who we want you to be. We know who you should be. We know who you can be.

The Rowdy Roddy Piper of Husker journalists.

Think about the first time you ever laid eyes on Piper as a kid. You hated him, right? Hated him hard for a long time. But how do you feel about the Hot Rod today? Looking back he was really the best, wasn’t he? He was a man ahead of his time and set a bar that will never be eclipsed.

Make this man your spirit animal, Dirk.

Even if the Huskers’ new coach is a product of Weapon X fusing Vince Lombardi, Tom Osborne, Bear Bryant, and Mike Ditka into one unstoppable coaching hydra, go ahead and set the tone by firing off a Tweet to this effect when he’s announced.

“Welcome to the Huskers, (insert name of incredible new coach). You’re in my world now.”

Then go radio silent until his first press conference. Let the people wonder what happened. Let them keep checking back for more. Some will notice you dumped the Springsteen call out in your Twitter bio in favor of I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick Husker coaching ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.

Then, his welcome press conference is when you strike by delivering verbal coconuts to his dome like he’s Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

“What’s your plan for getting 11 wins, coach?”

“You really think that’s a good decision? Have you seen the players your predecessor recruited?

“How are you going to handle every person in the state, including me, telling you how to do your job every single day you’re here?”

“You’re getting paid a lot of money to win conference championships on the reg. If you don’t, will you give any of it back?”

“Hey Eichorst, what kind of Athletic Director are you if you couldn’t get (insert name of incredible new coach) to agree to a contract with a negative bonus structure?”

A press conference like that would set the tone for a new era, especially if it ended with you belt whipping the new coach with your fanny pack.

Everyone would know there’s a new Sheriff in Husker Town.

And his name is Dirk.

Your mentions on Twitter and your in-box no doubt serve as an excellent focus group. It’s clear you have several fans and many haters but you know what? They’re all reading your work.

And at the end of the day it’s all about being entertained.

Come on, Dirk. Do it.

Give the people what they didn’t know they wanted.

No more half-assed apologies when you go over the line. Move over the line and thrive in that uncharted territory.

It’s time for the humble little troll to become a fire breathing dragon.

Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

Monday Rage: Who Woke Up Dancing on Bo Pelini’s Grave?

December 1, 2014 Todd Munson

Welcome to day two of the post-Pelini era for the Huskers. It is currently 16 in Lincoln with cloudy skies and windchill a balmy 1 degree.

The weather couldn’t be more perfect following a break up. Gloom and bone chilling cold. Good thing no recruits are coming to town anytime soon.

Pair that with most folks having to return to the daily slog of work life following Thanksgiving weekend and you have the perfect combo for one of the shittiest Mondays of the year.

But who woke up still happy from yesterday’s news that Pelini got the ax? Athletic Director Shawn Eichort’s early Sunday announcement gave Husker fans a solid 12 hours to blow their wads on the Facebook and the Twitter.

Could anyone really not be tuckered from talking Pelini and the Huskers?

Yeah right.

But what is a little refreshing is the “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” smugness has at least been turned down a notch.

Not that that’s a good thing.

Bo Pelini's team was bulemic #Huskers

— Evan (@EvanSackett) December 1, 2014

WTF: Does this even mean, Evan? Are you saying all the meals at the training table made the Huskers bulimic?

Hearing through the rumor mill that #huskers will announce HC tomorrow! Hoping for a dream team of #tressel and HC and #ScottFrost as OC!

— Shayla sheets (@Shaylasheets) December 1, 2014

Your days are numbered, Sean Callahan. Shayla has the rumor mill on lock down.

That’s funny. Twitter said Jim Tressel was spotted in Lincoln yesterday.

Besides, Barney Cotton is now the Huskers’ head coach.

Clearly Jeremy has never experienced the joy of Lincoln’s cheaper-than-Mexico beer prices.

Man. Bo Pelini getting fired is not how I wanted to celebrate Ben Stiller's birthday.

— matthias vasilopoulos (@That80sKid) December 1, 2014

Us too brother, us too. And on a related note, has anyone else found The Secret Life of Walter Mitty to be totally unwatchable?

Cool your jets, Austin. Your zingers are lost on a spam bot.

Wait. How did I miss Bo Pelini getting fired? #MackBrownCurse

— Brian Losoya (@brianlosoya) December 1, 2014

Sometimes when you miss news or another big happening, it’s OK to not share your cluelessness with the world.

A mind blowing gem from the “classiest fans in college football.”

Maxipad bringing the Monday morning thunder!

So far through my morning search I've yet to see any cyber Monday deals on a new head football coach #Huskers

— rubberband man (@ADillon402) December 1, 2014

Well played, Andrew. This was actually kinda clever.

It's an unfollow Monday for me! I gotta clean up some garbage in my timeline so I can focus on this #Huskers coaching search!

— Zack Smith (@Husker_Z) December 1, 2014

Or, you could make a list of your favorite Husker tweeters and have a dedicated stream that is everything you want with none of the annoying filler.

Yes. Yes they did, Thomas. Crazy comebacks were a hallmark of the Pelini era.

Calling all artists to Yutan… #Huskers #BoPelini pic.twitter.com/7ZE6QTauDE

— Jeff Peters (@jpeters18) December 1, 2014

And we thought we had it rough having to make a new banner for our site.

(For the record: These Tweets were found either searching Huskers, Bo Pelini, or Bo Pelini fired.)

Big Ten, Bo Pelini, College Football

Nebraska vs Iowa Recap: A Butt Punt Special Investigation

November 29, 2014 Todd Munson

Things got off to a rocky start for the Huskers to begin the second half against Iowa.

First, Bo Pelini struggled to unwrap a piece of gum.

Then, there was the Butt Punt.

Then, Husker Nation was immediately all like-

Of course Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain was quick on the draw with a below the belt tweet while the Huskers were at their arguably lowest point of the season.

Touchdown by an all-B1G-caliber rural Nebraska native whom Bo Pelini didn't offer a scholarship. Fitting.

— Dirk Chatelain (@dirkchatelain) November 28, 2014

Too bad the character limitations of Twitter didn’t allow Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain to more accurately describe what happened on the Butt Punt, which is A Nebraska native scored a touchdown thanks to standing in the right place at the right time when a fellow Nebraska native rocketed a punt off the helmet of his teammate.

(And on a note Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain would ever bring up, a Nebraska native on the Huskers’ defensive line is currently enjoying the season on his life.)

We’ll have more on the selective accuracy issues of Omaha World-Herald Dirk Chatelain later this week but until then, we’re going back to the Butt Punt.

Despite what Matt Millen said, the Butt Punt wasn’t a Butt Punt at all.

Butt Punt was a Back-Of-The-Head-Punt.

Wonder what Zach Hannon was thinking when a Thunder Leg special plunked the back of his head?

Here’s another angle.

If you look close, you can see Sam Foltz’ soul leaving his body as he is chokeslammed to the turf.

And not to be dicks but we hate to see the fruits of late night drunken GIF making go to waste so here’s one more.

Don’t forget, Thunder Leg was the one who forced the Iowa fumble in the first quarter so cut the dude a break. Even with the Butt Punt his highlight to blooper ratio is off the charts.

So, about the game that Husker Nation either loved or hated depending on whether or not you like your team more than whoever is coaching it.

This is what we said in our preview.

Ideal Scenario: The Huskers summon whatever pride they may have left and show Iowa who’s the boss for the third time in four years. On the flip side, if the game gets ugly for the Huskers, may it be the meltdown to end all meltdowns.

If there was ever a moment to set the stage for the meltdown to end all meltdowns, it was a touchdown scored off a Butt Punt to give Iowa a 17 point lead.

Did the Huskers wilt under the embarrassment and pressure?

Nope.

Tim Beck flipped to the dogeared YOLO section his playbook and Huskers young and old stepped up on both sides of the ball to will their team to victory. It was a total team win that sent nine Husker fans into as much of a frenzy that could be mustered in an empty bar on Sunset Blvd the morning after Thanksgiving.

[quicktime width=”400″ height=”400″]https://bigredfury.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/IMG_17801.mov[/quicktime]

Before you mock our low turnout, the level of Husker fandom present was probably higher than most watch sites. Along with one mediocre blogger, there were not one but two champion podcasters. (Subscribe here and here.) Plus, Ryan from the Cobcast made that little film Through These Gates which would make an excellent holiday gift for any Husker fan ; )

So what’s next for Pelini and company? Who really knows? Half the internet says the guy is already fired. The other half says there’s no way you can fire a coach with his record.

Then there’s a tiny sliver of the internet (possibly confined to just this little corner) that almost wishes Bo would hit eject and peace out to greener pastures on his own accord. Imagine the reaction from the Boleavers if he set up shop at Florida and promptly took the Gators to the top of the SEC.

The guy certainly has his pros and cons. Do we love him? Nope. Do we hate him? Nope. We’ve never met the him so that’s about all the opinion we can have. But we would shake his hand, offer to buy him a beer and remind that not every Husker fan is an internet Athletic Director.

Whatever happens with this Huskers team over the next few weeks remember, the reason why you’re a fan is because of the team- not just a single individual.

Uncategorized

Dead Team Walking: Your Nebraska vs Iowa Preview

November 27, 2014 Todd Munson

All you need to know about why Iowa sucks summed up in one photo.

Slipknot- the pride of Iowa and the very first band I ever walked out on. I just couldn’t stand to watch masked dipshits (one of whom was playing a dented beer keg) try to incite a crowd of 15 to start a mosh pit. (RIP, Ranch Bowl.) As a rule, I try not to judge people on their choice in music or religion but Slipknot is a rare exception, right up there with Creed and Avril Lavigne. The internet says that fateful day would have been August 15, 1998 but I swear they opened for Fishbone and the Internet says that gig would have been April 25, 1996. Hmm… I might be confused as all heck right now but one thing I’m not confused about is my staunch belief that Iowa can suck it for unleashing figgin’ Slipknot into the world. If you happen to be a fan of Slipknot, I commend you for trying to read all these big words.

Scouting Report: Back before the season started, Steven M. Sipple declared Iowa the team to beat in the Big Ten West. The Hawkeyes then went on to struggle against Northern Iowa and Ball State before going on to lose at home against Iowa State.

From that low point, Iowa’s season has been a schizophrenic roller coaster. A week after thumping Northwestern 38 – 7, they got reamed by Minnesota 51 – 14 and then followed that up by taking Wisconsin to the wire in a 26 – 24 loss.

And that’s all the research you’re getting out of this site. Too… full… of… pie… and… stuffing… to… process… thoughts.

Over/Under on Angry Bo Close Ups: 5 – The only way Bo can top nearly taking a swing at a ref is actually taking a swing at a ref. It just might happen. Then again, the Huskers could just sac up and roll Iowa.

Question That Needs an Answer: Which poor World-Herald writer had to take a timeout from their Thanksgiving to write a story about a @FauxPelini Twitter conversation? That’s like the sad, 21st century version of monitoring the chatter on a Radio Shack police scanner. Bonus questions: And why do they only report Faux’s latest zingers? Don’t they realize his cat can also bring the heat in 140 characters or less? Could it be because Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain can’t handle his little Twitter claws?

Big Ten, Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

So long Losers: Your Huskers vs Gophers Senior Day Preview

November 21, 2014 Todd Munson

Senior Day has finally arrived for an unlucky group of 13 Huskers who were never able to escape the gravity of mediocrity. Over the course of four seasons, they stumbled their way to a 36 – 14 record (so far). That’s a paltry winning percentage of only 72% and a full a 11% lower than Tom Osborne coached teams.

If Bo Pelini and company and are truly focused and committed to building a program that wins championships, Senior Day shouldn’t be a celebration but a chance to tell these 13 non-achievers to hit the skids. As a final parting gift to fans, Kenny Bell should insist his name be wiped from the record book for stealing the records of a man who had what it took to win not one but two National Championships.

At this point in the season, why even let the seniors play when those who will be back in 2015 could be on the field getting valuable experience?

Before you declare the idea of Bo pulling the plug on an ultimately fruitless season to be hogwash, think about all the times you’ve ever hit reset on a video game before getting your ass fully kicked. Benching the seniors in favor of fresh meat with a desire to win is the same damn thing, just in real life. Those chumps had four years to get it done and couldn’t. So what’s the big deal if they don’t play the last three games?

You want to see a competition at quarterback? Give Armstrong, Fyfe, and Stanton each a quarter and whoever plays the best gets the fourth as a reward. You want crisp and precise plays? Run them again and again until they get it right. Clearly the practice squad isn’t putting up enough of a real world test so why not use meaningless games as practice?

Sure, the Huskers could go on a roll and win out the season but really, who does an 11 – 2 record impress? Only losers who don’t have championship standards.

If your blood is starting to boil right now or at the very least you’re having a WTF? moment, congrats. You can keep reading.

To those of you who found this blatant trolling to be brilliant, out of the box thinking, please go find a different corner of the internet to waste your time.

This is a site for Husker fans who stick together in all kinds of weather no matter how lopsided the score. We’re with these guys all the way, just as long as they don’t do something dumb like showing their wiener to a convenience store clerk.

Scouting Report: Minnesota is just like Wisconsin except not as good. So get ready for a few flashbacks to last week. The Golden Gophers own the Huskers in the overall series 30-22-2 but have only won twice since 1959 with their most recent wins coming in 1960 and 2013. (We’ll go ahead and pretend last year’s game didn’t happen.)

Golden Gopher head coach Jerry Kill is pretty much his team’s biggest story. Unlike “former rising star” Bo Pelini, Kill’s 24-24 record at Minnesota is already the stuff of legend. Last season his team notched an unprecedented eight wins! This year, Coach Kill has thankfully gotten his health in order but he’s still a dick for abandoning his previous post at Northern Illinois team ahead of the Humanitarian Bowl for the greener pastures of Minnesota. Remember how Pelini stuck with LSU until after they finished the job of winning a national championship?

Bo Pelini, a man of his word.

Confidence: It’s the word of the week for Husker beat writers. Depending on your source, either Tim Beck needs to regain confidence in his play calling or he needs to give Tommy Armstrong a shot in the arm, ideally his non-throwing one because that cannon needs all the help it can get to be properly re-sighted and calibrated.

Here’s hoping they spent some quality time listening to Matt Foley.

Honestly, it’s a coin toss as to what kind of Huskers team we’ll see on Saturday. The Huskers are either going to live out Carl Spackler’s wildest fantasies or get a golden shower from the Golden Gophers on their home turf. Let’s just hope it’s the former.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppxJ2P2pe4k

Ideal Scenario: The Huskers get the win, sending the seniors off on a positive note and go undefeated at home for the first time since 2012. It doesn’t have to be pretty. It just has to get done. It’d be great to see Ameer bust off one more long run at home and see Kenny Bell haul in one last #TommyBomb. Players like those guys don’t come around often and it’s been a real treat to see them play. Btw, did you know all 13 seniors will have graduated by December? Pretty impressive.

Over/Under on Angry Bo Close Ups: 8 – this is an all-time high. With the game on ESPN and last week’s meltdown still a gross, oozing wound, don’t be surprised if ESPN has a camera just for Bo.

Question That Needs an Answer: Can the Huskers rebound or will they shit the bed a second week in a row?

Huskers

Remembering Kenny Bell’s Greatest Hit

November 14, 2014 Todd Munson

How special is Kenny Bell?

Special enough that when his record-setting career at Nebraska ends, he’ll leave behind a legacy as one of the greatest Husker receivers ever. And his greatest moment won’t even be a catch.

IT WILL BE HIS EARTH SHAKING, BONE RATTLING, SOUL CRUSHING, JAW DROPPING, PANTS POOPING BLOCK THAT SENT AN UNSUSPECTING WISCONSIN BADGER INTO A WORLD OF PAIN AND BECAME THE STUFF OF INTERNET LORE.

Poor Devin Smith never stood a chance.

Eventually Devin was able to scrape himself off the turf at Lucas Oil Field and signed with the Pittsburgh Steelers. In a rather ironic twist, he’s currently on their Injured Reserved list.

Earlier this week I reached out to him to see if he was interested in reminiscing about that time he got destroyed by Kenny Bell.

I never heard back but luckily there’s a Plan B.

I have a friend named Devin who was happy to sub-in.

He’s an Oregon grad and was a staff member on their women’s volleyball team. He spent some quality time in Omaha a few years ago during the Final Four. For the record, it was I, not he, who brought up the fact that the Ducks bumped off the Huskers on their own turf.

Devin has never seen Kenny in action so when I pulled up his monster hit, he was watching it for the first time, the very first time.

ME: Here it comes… wait for it.
DEVIN: Oh Fuck!
ME: Pretty impressive, huh?
DEVIN: That might be the biggest hit I’ve ever seen. The only one worse than that might be Reggie Bush. Can we watch it again?

Devin pinpoints the exact moment, Devin Smith’s soul made a hasty exit from his suddenly limp and lifeless body.

ME: Do you think you could have handled that hit?
DEVIN: No way. As a fellow Devin I really feel his pain.
ME: How was your time in Nebraska?
DEVIN: It was nice. It was cold. Good steaks. Really good steaks.
ME: How long were in you in Omaha?
DEVIN: A week, week and a half or so.
ME: Did you try a Runza?
DEVIN: No… I don’t even know what that is.
ME: Did you go to Taco John’s?
DEVIN: Nope. I went to Chiptole. Nothing really stuck out besides the steaks.
ME: We’re the fans nice?
DEVIN: Surprisingly. Is this interview about the hit or are we just going to talk about Nebraska?
ME: Do you think the hit was legal?
DEVIN: 100%
ME: Even with the score the way it was?
DEVIN: They’re just trying to get back in it, man.
ME: If Kenny Bell had a nickname, what do you think it would be?
DEVIN: Uh, the Bell Ringer?
ME: That’s actually really good. What if I told you it was Afro Thunder?
DEVIN: Even better.
ME: Kenny’s pretty much going to end his career as Nebraska’s best receiver ever. He’s breaking records that were set by a Heisman Trophy winner back in 1971. If his greatest play was this block, what does that say to you?
DEVIN: That he needs to add some more flair to his catches.

We take a timeout and watch this-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pOSlkOAZGE

DEVIN: Holy shit! Was that one handed? This dude is incredible.

Yes, yes, he is incredible.

Welcome to the Kenny Bell fan club, Devin.

Big Ten, Huskers

Purdue Or Do Not. There Is No Try.

October 31, 2014 Todd Munson

For the second consecutive year, we’re going to be away from the comforting bosom of our neighborhood watch site on Purdue weekend.

In 2013, the Huskers traveled to West Lafayette and rolled an 1 – 11 Boilermaker team 44 – 7 in a game that was decided well before halftime. It was a great, stress free Saturday, especially the part where I was able to venture out of the tiny bubble of free hotel lobby WiFi and spend the rest of the afternoon lounging on the beach.

This year we’ll be in nestled in the mountains in the new age hippie paradise of Ojai (with a requisite side trip to the nearby premium outlet mall).

In a season where the Huskers have been rolling, the Boilermakers come to Lincoln with a semblance of momentum and the proverbial elephant in the proverbial room looming larger than ever.

That elephant would be the Huskers’ seemingly annual crapping of the bed against a lousy team. With that in mind, Purdue’s visit suddenly adds suspense and anxiety to the mix. It’s like Husker Nation is one big traumatized family on pins and needles when they realize it’s been far too long since dad has come home piss drunk. A Husker meltdown is imminent. It has to be.

Or does it?

Confidence: Like any woman who has ever thought she could change her man, the Huskers are wearing their new look and attitude well but have the potential to regress back to their old losing habits in a heartbeat. (Then again, that could be the years of psychological damage talking.) If Nebraska can get through this one with a W, they just might have turned a corner for both the season and the program.

Scouting Report: Purdue, the Indiana university that is neither Indiana or Notre Dame, is located in Tippecanoe County. Tippecanoe, as we all know, translates to “place of the succor fish people.” In our hearts, the Boilermakers will always hold a special place for ensuring Kansas State’s dream season of ’98 had a nightmare ending.

In Unbeaten: The Life of Brook Berringer, distinguished Purdue alum Kyle Orton explained how he wore number 18 as a tribute to Brook. It’s amazing how one little anecdote can instantly make a guy unhateable.

More seriously though, Purdue is a 3 – 5 team the Huskers can’t treat lightly. A week after Nebraska manhandled Illinois, the Boilermakers bumped off the Illini 38 – 27. They followed that up by playing Michigan State to within a touchdown until Boilermaker QB Austin Appleby threw a game sealing pick six with 1:29 to go.

The pessimist could look at that and conclude that the Spartans aren’t that good and Purdue is better than Nebraska. We’ll go out on that fragile limb of optimism and say Michigan State played poorly because they were still rattled from their oh-so-near miss against the Huskers the week before.

Long story short, Purdue is finally starting to click. Check out Hail Varsity for all the stats to back up that statement. Then again, they’ve also lost to Central Michigan, Notre Dame, Iowa, and Minnesota.

Ideal Scenario: The Huskers cruise into their bye week ahead of their big showdown with Wisconsin. Ameer, Kenny, Tommy and Randy all do their Ameer, Kenny, Tommy and Randy things. I don’t resort to hiding from my wife by holing up in a premium outlet bathroom stall and faking the worst dump of my life just so I can watch a too-close-for-comfort game in relative peace and agony.

Over/Under on Angry Bo Close Ups: 5 — Don’t expect the ABC/ESPN/SEC Network faction to cut him any slack, especially with Ed Cunningham in the broadcast booth.

A Question That Needs an Answer: Will Imani Cross ever score again? He hasn’t notched a touchdown since the Illinois game a month ago.

Big Ten, Huskers

Recap: Huskers roll, Dirk Chatelain trolls

October 27, 2014 Todd Munson

Even in a lethargic, let’s-just-get-the-game-over-with-and-set-some-records-along-the-way 42 – 24 victory, Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain found a way to stir up unnecessary drama.

Following Nebraska’s win over Rutgers, Bo Pelini rightfully called out his team for lack of execution. With a little more attention to detail, the Huskers could have easily doubled their 18 point margin of victory and given the backups some valuable playing time. Instead, they shot themselves in the foot enough times to still have the starters on the field at the final whistle.

While you expect the Huskers to show improvement from one week to the next, sometimes their progression stalls and the end result is a “blah win” which ultimately should never be anything to complain about.

Even our watch site had trouble getting motivated for the game. In our defense, 9am kickoffs on the West Coast are for the birds. Couple that with the game being on ESPN2 and a normally robust turnout plummeted to just a couple dozen who could barely bust out a Go Big Red. Games like this have all the fun of a Catholic mass at 6pm on a Sunday night. Everyone in attendance just wants to get communion and get the hell out.

Rutgers scores a late touchdown and not single Husker fan throws things at the screen. This is how little anyone cared.

In a game where Ameer Abdullah ran for 225 yards on just 19 carries (11.84 YPC) and broke the Husker record for all-purpose yards with 341, Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain’s biggest concern is why Tim Beck didn’t call more running plays. (It should be noted that the Huskers finished with 297 yards on the ground.)

From his column:

Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain: “Do you understand the frustration when (Abdullah) rips off two for 50 and you throw it three straight times the next possession?”
Beck: “No, I don’t.”
Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain: “Really?”
Beck: “No. You think every time we hand him the ball, he’s gonna run for 50? What if he runs for 2? Should they get frustrated, too, ’cause he didn’t run for 50? Is that the line’s fault then? Or is it his? Did he miss it? Or is it a bad play call because we should’ve ran the other way?”

Josh Harvey from Scout has the audio of the whole conversation between Beck and Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain posted on his site. It’s worth a listen if you want to hear a master troll at work. Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain comes off so whiny with the “Really?” that he makes Luke Skywalker sound like Samuel L. Jackson.

Now let’s go back and examine Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain’s big question from above.

Ameer’s first 50 yard (53 if you want to get technical) touchdown run was preceded by him rushing for 7, 2 and 5 yards. The entire drive was four Ameer rushes and took 1:31 off the clock.

The next time the Huskers got the ball, their first play from scrimmage was this 16 yard strike to Jordan Westerkamp.

Had the the Rutgers defender not sent Westerkamp’s spleen into his kidneys, he may have gone all the way for a score.

Then, on the very next play, Ameer runs 48 yards for his second touchdown in barely three minutes. You might say Tim Beck set up this run with the previous PASSING PLAY.

Over the span of two drives that milked all of 2:03 off the game clock, Ameer carried the ball 5 out of 6 plays and scored two touchdowns.

So, the next time Nebraska got the ball don’t you think that maybe, just maybe, the Rutgers defense will be on the lookout for #8?

Starting from their own 41 and up 21 – 7, here’s how those three passes that Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain was all in a huff about went down.

1st Down- Chucked out of bounds about ZIP Code away from DPE.

2nd Down- Caught by Alonzo Moore at the sideline but Moore was out-of-bounds by a sliver of a heel. Had the game been in a tighter situation, the play could have been called for a review. If it were ruled to be a completed pass, the Huskers would have been looking at third and 2.

3rd Down- Kenny Bell gets tossed off the field by a Rutgers defender. Tommy Armstrong then proceeds to throw a perfect strike to said defender for an INT.

Hmm… Sounds like Tommy Armstrong could use some work on his passing. With the Huskers up by two touchdowns in the dregs of the second quarter, why not give him some throws? Or does that make too much sense for Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain?

His readers seem to think it does-

Dirk Readers
However, one Top Commenter chimed in to give credence to Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain’s claim that people are frustrated by the lack of running.

Yes, Ronald. It is beyond frustrating that every day can’t be like 1994 where vaginas were still hairy and wide receivers were used more for their blocking ability than catching skills. Heaven forbid that Bo Pelini and company could recruit receivers who can block AND catch.

Note Westerkamp’s pancake and Sam Cotton being such a nuisance that the Rutgers defender resorts to grabbing a double handful of jersey in a futile attempt to catch Ameer during his first touchdown run.

Funny how both those guys caught touchdown passes later in the game.

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