Tag Archives: cornhuskers

Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

Song Girls vs Scarlets: Your Holiday Bowl Preview

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It’s fitting that the epilogue to the crashed and burned Bo Pelini era at Nebraska will be written on the same field as his career’s finest moment- the 2009 Holiday Bowl.

Pacific+Life+Holiday+Bowl+Nebraska+v+Arizona+Bo+Pelinil
Things would only be downhill from here for Bo Pelini.

What followed that 33 – 0 victory over the Arizona Wildcats was the most hopeful time of Pelini’s seven seasons at Nebraska. It was the perfect salve to the one more second debacle against Texas and had Husker fans licking their chops at a run for a National Championship in 2010.

That season began with the Huskers ranked #8 in the polls and unknown redshirt freshman Taylor Martinez lined up in the shotgun at quarterback. His jaw dropping speed lead the Huskers to a 5 and 0 start and a national coming out party for Martinez in a Thursday night match up against Kansas State on ESPN.

Nine days later, the wheels would fall off the Big Red Express when the unranked and hated Texas Longhorns  came to Lincoln and left with a 20 – 13 victory. In that game, the Huskers’ offense was absolutely stuffed with the lone touchdown coming off a 95 yard return of a pooch punt late in the game by Eric Haag. Martinez was benched as senior and 2009 starter Zac Lee entered the game for a rare appearance.

In retrospect, all the the negative aspects that would be a hallmark of Pelini’s tenure bloomed on that day.
Texas Commentary
(Screengrab via Huskermax.)

A month later, Pelini’s temper would take the national stage as he gave Martinez the ass-reaming of his life against Texas A&M. By Sunday night Martinez was already enrolled at UCLA (if message boards were to be believed).

A month after that, Martinez and the Huskers limped through a 19 – 7 loss against Washington in the Holiday Bowl- the same Huskies team that Nebraska destroyed 56 – 21 back in September.

Fast forward four years. Taylor Martinez is a mobile game developer and budding real estate agent (thanks for the hook up, Uncle Warren) and Bo Pelini has packed up for the gloomy pastures of his native Youngstown, Ohio.

At the helm for the Huskers in Saturday’s Holiday Bowl is the much maligned Barney Cotton. After the game, he’ll leave the Huskers (for a second time) for his new gig as UNLV’s Offensive Coordinator. With the exception of John Garrison and Charlton Warren, the futures for the rest of Pelini’s staff are up in air. The seniors have one final game together and the underclassmen will likely finish their careers as Mike Riley’s players.

About the only thing left for the Huskers to play for is pride. Pride for their team. Pride for their teammates. Pride for their coaches who deemed them worthy of playing for Nebraska.

Pride can be a dangerous weapon, especially with a healthy Husker squad and an offensive coordinator off his leash.

Scouting Report: USC started the 2014 season with a 52 – 13 win over Fresno State. Two weeks later, the Huskers muzzled the Bulldogs 55 – 19 while USC lost on the road to Boston College 37 – 31. The Trojans’ three other losses came at the hand of Arizona State, Utah, and UCLA. Their crosstown showdown was the only game the Trojans lost by more than a touchdown, falling to the Bruins 38 – 20, a game in which the USC defense got flustered and all but gave up in the second half.

The Trojans’ most notable wins of the season came against Stanford, Arizona on the road, and a 49 – 14 punch out of the Fighting Irish at home. In case you’re wondering, they did beat Mike Riley’s Beavers 35 – 10 in LA. Like the Huskers, the Trojans have the potential to run with anyone- if they can harness it.

The Trojan offense is lead by junior Quarterback Cody Kessler. He can sling the ball but he isn’t exactly fleet of foot having “rushed” 52 times for -149 yards. On the season, he’s been sacked 30 times.

An immobile quarterback has to have Defensive Coordinator John Papuchis licking his chops, right?

John Papuchis
Confidence is high for Papuchis.

USC may have the better team on paper but the reality is there is truly only one edge the Trojans have on the Huskers heading into the Holiday Bowl.

Song Girls vs Scarlets
Sorry, Scarletts. All the glitter in the world is no match for the simple white sweaters that are a trademark of the USC Song Girls.

And that’s about all the “serious” preview you’ll get from us.

In our defense,  we did reach out to our friend Mick, an LAPD Sergeant and quite possibly the Trojans biggest fan. Seriously, he’s “The Dude” of USC football right down to his tattoo of Tommy Trojan holding the severed head of Notre Dame’s mascot whilst standing on the beaten pulp of UCLA’s Bruin.

This is the entire transcript of our chat.

Hey Mick-

What is your prediction for the Holiday Bowl and who are the USC players the Huskers need to watch out for?

Let me know and I’ll quote you in my preview for my site www.bigredfury.com

Mick- We ARE.. SC! Beat the Huskers!

Before we even had a chance to even think of being offended by such an epic brush off, we realized Mick had to already be in San Diego making his tailgate preparations and had no such time for silly questions. We’ve been his guest at USC games a few times over the years and aren’t kidding when we say he’ll show up at 6am to stake out his tailgate spot for a game that doesn’t start until 7pm.

MICK_TODD
Mick and your humble author at the 2006 edition of USC vs Nebraska.

Ideal Scenario: The Huskers close out the Bo Pelini era with a bold exclamation point with a fun and dominating performances on both sides of the ball reminiscent of the 2000 Alamo Bowl- arguably the Big Red’s most fun bowl game of the 21st century. A Kenny Bell to Ameer Abdullah touchdown pass would be absolute gravy.

Look for Tim Beck to empty his playbook with enough #TommyBombs to reenact Operation Linebacker I and II. That is of course when Ameer isn’t running wild on the Trojan defense.

On the other side of the ball, Randy Gregory and Jack “The Beastmaster” Gangwish will pin their ears back and give Cody Kessler a late Christmas gift of a world of pain. USC may get a couple of deep balls early but don’t be surprised when Papuchis stays calm under pressure and readjusts once he realizes no one is going to scream at him on the sideline.

Honestly, this game could go either way with a blowout for either team being the most likely outcome. It’s hard to imagine the Holiday Bowl going down to the wire so we’re gonna stick with our way early prediction of a 38 – 17 Husker victory.

Over/Under on Angry Bo Close Ups: 3 — ESPN will surely start the game with a montage of Bo’s “finest” moments.

Question That Needs an Answer: Will Barney Cotton finish his Cornhusker head coaching career undefeated?

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Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

Vaya con dios, Bo Pelini. Shine On You Crazy Diamond.

To the surprise of everyone and no one, Bo Pelini planted one last parting gift during his final meeting with his former Husker team.

While his final soliloquy reads like a scorched earth rant rivaling the final shoot out in the Wild Bunch, the actual recording (listen here) reveals a surprisingly measured and rational Pelini who almost sounds Osborne-like, except for the unfortunate c-word dropping instead of a folksy dag-nab-it.

It was no doubt a calculated and deliberate move by the Omaha World-Herald to release the recording hours after the transcript, which allowed plenty of time for pitchforks to be sharpened and tar to be warmed and don’t-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out columns to be written.

Granted, there’s always the chance it took the World-Herald a solid eight hours to figure out a way to upload audio onto their site as they have a history of not being the most technically capable crew.

If you don’t think what they did was intentional, notice how Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain stayed up past midnight (the time stamps on his tweets are PT) to defend his work to those important enough to warrant a response.

Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain doesn’t like it when national writers with 10x the audience poo-poo his exclusives.

According to the logic of Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain, Bo was still an employee of a state university despite being fired and if the meeting was held at a private school, nothing would have been revealed.

Former kicker Pat Smith (thanks again for winning the Penn State game!)  feels the same way.

OK, let’s get back to Bo.

Could he have taken the the proverbial high road and kept things classy during his final meeting? Yes.

But is Bo a guy a who has proven himself to be a classy (in the buttoned up Nebraska way) kind of guy? Not exactly.

He’s always struck me as the sort who’d go play pinball just to get pissed off. (Even if you get on a roll, you never leave a pinball table a winner.)

Pelini’s hair trigger temper and fiery demeanor, while out of place in Nebraska, is borderline normal behavior in certain parts of the country. Get stuck in an elevator for 10 minutes with someone from Pittsburgh, Boston, or Providence and you’ll learn 38 new swear words by the time the doors open.

In his mind, his exit speech was A-OK. And you gotta give the guy some kudos for having the stones to say what he really had on his mind and strutting across a burning bridge with a take this job and shove it attitude. For many people in stuck in miserable jobs, a move like that was a fantasy come to life.

Pelini’s time in the Cornhusker State has always reminded me of The Experts, a movie that was the absolute rock bottom of John Travolta’s career, Wild Hogs included.  The premise is that two hip New Yorkers go to Nebraska to help open a night club. Turns out Travolta and his buddy were roofied and whisked to communist Russia where a secret Mayberry-like town that grooms spies is in need of an update with 1990 fast approaching.

If there’s one thing that stupid movie got right about “Nebraska,” it’s the way the locals closely watch an outsider’s every move. (Yes, that is a broad, generalizing stereotype but there is some decent truth to it- especially if you’ve ever been chased out of a neighboring town. Looking at you, Hastings.)

With Pelini on his way back to his people, it’s time to bring his story to a close and move on for good. He got his final shot, Dirk got his and we innocent bystanders got one hell of a show.

Bo Pelini Holding a Baby
No matter what, we’ll always have the good times.

Best of luck, Bo. We sincerely mean that. Come hell or high water, you are man who sticks to what you believe in and stay loyal till the end. Those are two traits that are hard to hate on.

Here’s hoping Jim Tressel gives you plenty of hugs and invites you to lunch on the reg. And may your loving wife find it in her heart to un-cockblock you before this decade is over.

The c-word.

Really?

You had to go there?

One final note: can the secret recordings please come to an end under Mike Riley? That is a spineless and dickless move. If you’ve got a secret to tell the world, take the advice of this semi-anonymous blog and man up and share it yourself.

Or better yet, have the integrity to recognize that if you’re trusted with a secret, honor that trust and don’t tell it.

In the immortal words of the Wu-Tang Clan, word is bond.

And snitches get stitches.

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Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

Bo Pelini Pulls a Kenny Powers, Returns Home to Youngstown

It’s official. Bo Pelini is relocating his beloved Panty Dropper from Holmes Lake to the smooth currents of the Mahoning River.

Bo Pelini Panty Dropper
Coach Pelini pauses during one last spin around Holmes Lake to contemplate where it all went wrong.

In a move that went from flatly denied rumor to stone cold reality in the span of a week, Bo Pelini has been confirmed as the next head coach of the Youngstown State Penguins.

Pelini Youngstown State
Even we could have figured out how Photoshop the N from Pelini’s hat. It might have taken a YouTube tutorial or five but we would have found a way.

If you paid at least 10 minutes worth of attention to Husker football over the past seven years, then it’s been beaten into your skull that Pelini is a native son of Youngstown, Ohio.

Since he graduated from The Ohio State University back in 1990, the population of Youngstown has plummeted by over 30,000 leaving this rust belt hamlet a battered shadow of its former self. With just over 65,000 residents today, Youngstown is little more than half the size it was when Pelini spent his summers painting houses with the Stoops brothers. And that’s a gig most likely in very low demand as Youngstown boasts a vacant housing rate over 20 times higher than the national average.

For more on the history of the Steel City, we turn to Bruce Springsteen, who, as you know, played a sold-out show at Youngstown’s Stambaugh Auditorium back in 1996.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVak9xuXyqc

While on the surface, it looks like Pelini decided that slumming it down in the FCS was as good a ticket as any to get the hell out of Lincoln, we’re genuinely excited for the guy, his new team, and his hometown because this whole scenario is the perfect set up for a goddamn Disney movie.

Then again, we are talking about Bo so Kenny Powers might be the better parallel.

BPKP GYM CLASS

Watch this video and think Bo Pelini every time Kenny Powers refers to himself in the third person and the move to Youngstown will all make sense.

Is Bo Pelini a champion or a has-been who was lucky to wash up back home coaching a glorified intramurals team with a guy in a sweater vest watching his every move?
Cutler and Jim Tressel
Powers had Terrance Culter as his boss. Pelini will have Jim Tressel. 

We’ll find out next September when Pelini’s Penguins head down I-76 to take on Steve Pedersen’s Pitt Panthers.

It will be a game that should have even his biggest haters pulling for him.

Best of luck, Coach Pelini. We’ll be looking forward to seeing you and the Penguins playing on the OCHO.

One final note: If you’re like us and felt compelled to shop for Youngstown State gear, you have to click View all 500+ NCAA teams on Fanatics.com.

Screen Shot 2014-12-16 at 11.21.25 PM

Then, to save you the hassle of scrolling through all 500+ teams, just go directly to the end of the list. Youngstown State is the very last team.

Fanatics 1

But as of yesterday, they’re suddenly a sentimental number two in our hearts.

 

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Coach Riley Holding Staff Tryouts

While Coach Mike Riley strikes us as more of a Riddler than a Joker, the idea of him strolling into the lame duck coaching staff holding pen and busting a pool cue over his knee and announcing he’s gonna have tryouts makes us giggle.

Mike Riley Joker
“Which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team?”

According to reports based off of text messages from recruits, newcomer Charlton Warren won the battle royal to stay on as part of Riley’s staff.

Will another current coach be signing on as well, possibly on the offensive side of the ball?

Easy money would say that coach would be Ron Brown but that would all depend on what Ron Brown wants to do. If Ron Brown doesn’t feel like going anywhere, Ron Brown isn’t going anywhere.

RON BROWNGood luck telling this guy to go kick rocks. 

If Coach Riley “chooses” not to retain Ron Brown, don’t be surprised if the hottest recruit for 2016 is a seemingly out-of-nowhere Ron Brownstein.

Ron Brown 2
Even at 58-years-old, Ron Brown is just a fake ID and passable ACT score from becoming a college football player all over again.

In other coaching news: If you haven’t grown tired of getting duped by Football Scoop, reports are saying interim head coach Barney Cotton and John Garrison will be landing at UNLV. If that’s the case, this might a genius trolling power move. For as much of a barren wasteland the UNLV campus is, it has the rare distinction of boasting its very own In-N-Out burger. Even the students at UCLA have to walk a few blocks off campus to get their Double Double fix. We can’t wait to see the taunting tweets Cotton and Garrison fire off in the direction of Coach Riley every day at lunchtime.

Meanwhile, John Papuchis remains locked in Bo Pelini’s basement getting the Buffalo Bill treatment.

http://youtu.be/ReqpC2yE9ts

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Huskers

The Most Bizarre Lawrence Phillips Story You’ve Never Heard

This a here story we’re about to unfold about Lawrence Philips is true.

If we set out to make up a Lawrence Phillips story, there is no conceivable way we’d ever come up with this one. Even today it remains one of the most mind boggling things we have ever heard and it will be forever seared into our brains.

Please note: There will be a term used that is not appropriate in this day and age or ever. Sure, we could omit it but this is a story that, even if given a revisionist sugar coating, would be no less shocking.

December 14th, 1996. It was a Saturday. The Huskers were a week removed from being upset by Texas in the inaugural Big 12 Championship game. The plan to appear in a 4th consecutive national championship game and finally cross Florida State off the list was blown off the rails due to a flu stricken Husker squad and John Mackovic’s cajones to call for a back breaking pass on 4th and inches.

This day was also the birthday of contributor Kubrickian Glee and myself.  As a pair of struggling students at UNL, it was a day we looked forward to because daVinci’s just didn’t give you a free slice of pizza on your birthday, they hooked you up with a full meal on the house. Lucky for us, their 11th and G location couldn’t be any closer to our respective crap holes at 13th and G and 9th and E.

We met for a late lunch around 4:30. Somewhere behind a blanket of grey clouds the sun was setting. It was a perfect gloomy December day.

Once we showed our IDs to the semi-baffled waitress, we were seated for our complimentary birthday feast.

The only other guest was a little old lady who was preparing to leave. Even through our everyone-over-30-is-old eyes, she had to be at least 80 if not a decade older. Her waitress helped her get into a bright red pea coat and tied her doggy bag around the top rail of her silver walker and said her goodbyes. At the speed she was moving, returning next week for an early bird special was far from a given. Before setting off across the restaurant, she put a lavender knit cap on her head. Decades of practice placed it just so on the first try.

As she clomped past our booth, Kubrickian and I both acknowledged her with the courteous, yet forced smile you give your grandma  right before she lays a big fat kiss on your cheek.

That was all the in she needed. She stopped dead in her four pronged tracks and said “I don’t know about you boys but I’m still terribly upset about the game last week.”

“So are we, ma’am. We really thought they were going to win.”

“They would have won if they hadn’t chased that colored running back out of town. He would have been a senior this year. I really think that boy got a raw deal.”

Kubrickian and I both looked at each other. Our jaws were on the precipice of dropping all the way to the table. Was she talking about Lawrence Phillips?

Before we had the chance to ask, she continued.

“I’m still not sure about that white boy who’s playing quarterback now. He just looks so lost out there. The Arizona State game was heartbreaking.”

We nodded in agreement to that one.

“And it’s his fault that colored boy got in all that trouble. He shouldn’t have been catting around with his girlfriend. She was clearly a whore anyway. You know how it was all over the news that he dragged her down the stairs by her hair? Do you know what I would have done?”

Kubrickian and I were speechless by this point.

“I would have dragged her down the stairs by her feet so her head could have bounced on each and every step. That’s what I would have done. You boys have a nice night.”

And with that, she was off into the darkness.

RIP crazy little old lady Husker fan, wherever you may be.

Lawrence PhillipsLawrence Phillips rushed for 206 yards against Michigan State. Then he returned to Lincoln and brutally assaulted his former girlfriend.

Lawrence Phillips Prison
Feel free to drop him a note c/o Kern Valley State Prison sometime.

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Huskers

Macho Man Randy Sackage – A Photo Tribute

As the storied career of Macho Man Randy Sackage draws to a close at Nebraska, we look back at some of Randy’s finest moments.

In other words, we got blasted on Rumple Minz and put our cave man level Photoshop skills to work and created a photo gallery to document the man, the myth, the legend that is Macho Man Randy Sackage.

Macho Man Randy Sackage 1

Macho Man Randy Sackage 2

Macho Man Randy Sackage 3

Macho Man Randy Sackage 4

Macho Man Randy Sackage 5

MACHO MAN RANDY SACKAGE 6

MACHO MAN RANDY SACKAGE 7

MACHO MAN RANDY SACKAGE 8

MACHO MAN RANDY SACKAGE 9

MACHO MAN RANDY SACKAGE 10

Thanks for the bone crushing memories, Macho Man Randy Sackage.

Please come back next year.

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College Football, Huskers

Ten Great Holiday Gifts for Husker Fans

With Christmas closing in faster than Randy Gregory in pursuit of a dead-in-the-water quarterback, here’s a breakdown of these cool products that make great holiday gifts for your favorite Husker fan.

Please note: These gift ideas are not “sponsored.” These are just things we’d personally love to have if we don’t already own them.

8-Bit Husker T-Shirt from Nebraska Red Zone

NEB0898_large

Tecmo Bowl and the Huskers collide in this 8-bit inspired tee. While we’ve never visited their physical store, Nebraska Red Zone has a great line up of Husker gear and rock solid reliable shipping. We’ve turned to them a few times when getting a fresh t-shirt for a new season and have always been pleased with their service.

Husker Bikini Bottoms
Husker Bikini
Every day can be spring break with a Husker bikini for your special lady friend. Mmm… Husker bikini.

A Case of Runzas

runza-large

To those of us Husker fans who live outside of Runza territory, these puppies are worth their weight in gold. In the days leading up to the Huskers playing at UCLA back in 2012, we cashed in some Southwest miles, hopped a flight to Denver, rented a car and drove up to Ft. Collins to visit the westernmost outpost of the Runza empire just to grab a case of these delicious beefy Twinkies to ensure our tailgate was all it could be.

Josh Eating a Runza
Our friend Josh, a Los Angeles native, enjoying his very first Runza outside the Rose Bowl.

Fear the Corn T-Shirt from Big Red of the Rockies

Fear the Corn

Support the only Nebraska Cornhuskers themed store in Estes Park, Colorado that’s owned by a former Husker. For the record, Jesse Kocsh was the nicest Husker we knew during our time at UNL.

A Subscription to Hail Varsity Magazine

Hail Varsity Magazine

In an age where unsubstantiated tweets count as news, Hail Varsity is a modern twist on a bygone era offering insight far beyond what you can find in traditional media.

Tom Osborne and Bo Pelini Autographed Poster

Tom Osborne Bo Pelini

Yes, there is a certain amount of gallows humor in this suggestion but for some folks it could represent an time of hopeful optimism that never had a chance to be fully realized. Or, it could be one last sick joke to your friend who was on the “Bo Must Go” train since 2008.

Hear Nebraska Koozie

Hear Nebraska Koozie

Yes, we know this isn’t directly Husker related but beer and football go together like peas and carrots. Buy a koozie from Hear Nebraska and you’ll help support the Nebraska music scene which believe it or not is a pretty big deal outside of the Cornhusker State.

Through These Gates

Filmmaker Ryan Tweedy captured what it truly means to be a fan of the Nebraska Cornhuskers in a great documentary full of insightful interviews and game day footage guaranteed to send a chill down the spine of any Husker fan. Through These Gates also works as a great warning for anyone who may be be signing on to a Husker family for the long haul, as in this should be mandatory viewing before any engagement rings get slipped on fingers.

University of Nebraska Football Vault by Mike Babcock

University of Nebraska Football Vault

Written by renowned Husker scribe Mike Babcock, this is the definitive tome of Husker football. It covers the humble Bugeater beginnings to the skies-the-limit optimism of the start of the Bo Pelini era and everything in-between. It truly is a treasure for any Husker fan.

Tailgator Gas Powered Blender

Boasting a 25cc 2.25 horsepower two stroke engine, the Tailgator blender will make a round of frozen margarita’s faster than Ameer can break off a 40 yard dash. It’s a spendy item but worth it when it comes to ruling the tailgate scene. Without a doubt this is the Red Ryder BB Gun of tailgating accessories. Also includes carrying case!

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College Football, Huskers

For Whom the Bell Trolls

Twitter trolls are a fascinating species. You never know when they’ll strike from their dark and dank dens deep under the staircase that leads to their parent’s basement.

A couple Sundays ago, Husker Nation and its players received enough constructive feedback from the trolls that it felt like Middle Earth came to life.

Considering what happened that fateful morning, #TommyBomb’s reaction to the news was no worse than your aunt who will post a 500 word rant on Facebook whenever Hy-Vee doesn’t honor an expired coupon.

However, Tommy’s tweet had the trolls smelling blood in the water.

According to @Drama419‘s Twitter bio, he’s a “Family man, traveling man. Sports nut, Noles, Vikes, Pens! I get to travel the world and engage in Tomfoolery” and lives in Maumee, Ohio, a hamlet of 14,000 on the banks of the mighty Maumee river. The town’s biggest attraction is the interstate. I-80 and I-90 magically become one (according to the Google Maps) as it passes by Maumee.

Now @Drama419 claims to have a wife, a pair of kids and a wonderful life. A life so wonderful that he had nothing better to do on a Sunday morning than harass a college kid who just found out he lost his coach, mentor, and friend.

One can only imagine what the rest of his Sunday Funday was like. “Hey honey, round up the kids. We’re taking a cruise up to the I-80/90/475 interchange to watch all the big dreamers who are driving someplace that isn’t Maumee.”

Cut to the following Friday night.

I’m on the couch with my feet up watching the Pac-12 Championship Game between the Oregon Ducks and the Arizona Wildcats. It’s absolutely amazing how fun and relaxing college football can be when the Huskers aren’t playing.  And by fun and relaxing, I mean your heart doesn’t stop beating every time the ball is thrown in the air.

Oregon won their rematch with Arizona in a landslide and before the final whistle even finished blowing, a Twitter troll lashed out at your humble author, his friend, The University of Arizona Athletic Department and the Los Angeles Kings hockey team.

WTF, right?

A couple points to clarify in my response to @colebigby: 1) when I said Oregon is my second favorite team, the gap between the Huskers and the Ducks in my fandom (like any true Husker) is so great you’d need Matthew MacConaughey, a spaceship, and a conveniently placed wormhole in order to properly measure the distance. 2) By “watching the game with Coach Neal‘s brother” what I really meant was that we were both in our respective homes furiously texting back and forth like a pair of 12-year-old girls who just guzzled their first Frappuccinos. Lord help us if we ever figure out Snapchat.

In his defense, @colebigby was quick to own up to his mistake.

But he revealed an interesting look into the mind of a Twitter troll. What he responded to was a Twitter chat that happened two months earlier about Duck Hunt memes.

Score one for the Wildcats coming up with the Duck Hunt joke first.

And seriously, trolls. When your team wins, celebrate and enjoy the victory. If you feel compelled to tweet about it, write something nice to your team and players.

Don’t be so quick to rub your team’s victory in the faces of the losing fans that you rely on a program to help you find Twitter users to troll. But if you insist, at least make sure you’re trolling the right people.

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Huskers, Mike Riley

A Digression on In-N-Out

Nebraska’s hiring of Mike Riley and his reported love affair with In-N-Out Burgerd has raised an old puzzlement of mine. One that manifested soon after moving to Los Angeles 15 years ago.

In-N-Out. What’s the big fucking deal?

Mike Riley digs into a double-double.
Mike Riley digs into a double-double.

Now, for those of you who regularly read this blog, you probably noticed that we typically write in first person plural. In this case, I’m going singular because Big Red Fury is divided on this issue. Just wanted to be clear.

For folks who’ve never seen In-N-Out’s most popular sandwich (the Double Double — which if you ask me, should mean FOUR patties, not two) here it is.

imgres

Yep. That’s what all the fuss is about. And I say “fuss” because I just don’t get it. The same way I don’t get why “Crash” won Best Picture in 2005. It’s a patently unremarkable movie. Just as the Double Double is an unremarkable burger.

It’s not a bad burger, by any means. I ate probably a dozen of them during the ten years I lived in California. But that’s just 1.2 a year, despite having had an In-N-Out five blocks from my house for four of those years.

As I think about it, the Double Double is really the Bo Pelini of burgers. As satisfying as any 9 or 10 win season, but — gosh darn it — never rising to a level of greatness.

How’s that for irony?

But mention In-N-Out to any native Californian, whether living there now or transplanted somewhere else, and their eyes will immediately roll into the back of their heads, their jaws will dip down to their sternums, drool will spill out and they will utter in one octave lower than their usual tone of speech “Ohh God! Double Double’s soooooooo yummy!”

I guess. If you say so.

Now, initially I figured maybe because California is not in the beef belt people there aren’t use to “grade A” red meat the way we are back in Big Red country and that’s why West Coasters have gone nuts for a decidedly average hamburger. But no. Most of the Nebraska transplants I knew living in the LA basin were also gaga for double doubles. And since moving to Omaha, I’ve listened to no less than three native Nebraskans still living in Nebraska get as gooey for In-N-Out as anybody.

To each their own, obviously.

On one level, I guess I can relate, because I’ve professed my love for Runzas to non-Nebraskans before only to be met with a “what’s the big fucking deal” expression in response. And to me, if you don’t like Runzas, well then you’re just an asshole. Probably a pretentious one, too.

So far as I know, Mike Riley hasn’t given his verdict on Runzas. But I hope he likes them, because I really want to like Mike. And I can appreciate the idea of knowing the head coach’s favorite food. It makes me think of when Ronald Reagan was President and everybody knew that he liked jelly beans. The press of the 1980s was so transfixed by this tidbit that they were sure to ask Reagan’s successor, George HW Bush, what his favorite food was right off the bat. Bush 41 said, “Pork rinds.”

Somehow this was not as charming as jelly beans. And so the press never bothered to find out what Clinton’s, Bush 43’s or Obama’s favorite snacks were (although I’d bet hard money that W’s was not pretzels).

I do wonder what Mike will do now that there is not a single In-N-Out Burger joint in the entire Big 10 footprint. The nearest restaurants are in Dallas and Salt Lake City. Not exactly wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-kill-your-craving distance. But then, there are no In-N-Outs in the state of Oregon, either. So I suppose Mike probably knows how to bed his appetite back down when he needs to. But without the option of getting a fix at least on conference road trips, one has to wonder how long before the new “Most Important Man in the Entire State of Nebraska” goes stark raving crazy.

I guess he’ll have to stock up during his West Coast recruiting trips. Just as long as he doesn’t let slip Lincoln’s lack of double doubles to those In-N-Out crazy California prospects.

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College Football, Huskers

Hey Jack Gangwish, Don’t Take a Selfie With These Animals

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As the news of Mike Riley’s hiring began to sink in, we lit a candle for a rather peculiar aspect of the Bo Pelini era, the weird and wacky news and outrageous highlights that were a hallmark of his time at Nebraska.

Thankfully, defensive lineman Jack Gangwish came through with one last swan song by getting bitten by a raccoon while trying snap a selfie with the critter.

Luckily, he’s not going to have to be taken out back behind Memorial Stadium for the Old Yeller treatment.

He’s going to live. But to ensure the he (hopefully) doesn’t have a repeat incident, we put together a list of animals Jack should avoid when the urge to take a selfie strikes.

THE HONEY BADGER
honey-badgerEven if he’s just chilling, don’t even think about it. Besides, it would be so much cooler if you wait a year and take a selfie after flattening a Wisconsin Badger on the turf at Memorial Stadium. Who cares about the penalty? Think of how awesome it’d be if you dug your phone out of your jockstrap while standing over a leveled quarterback. YOU. WOULD. BE. A. LEGEND.

Do it and we’ll let you have the Rocket Raccoon mask we were given at the Guardians of the Galaxy premiere AND we’ll throw in a season pass to the Henry Doorly Zoo. (After your NCAA eligibility expires of course. This site does not dole out illegal gifts. Then again, we may have just put out a bounty on Wisconsin’s poor quarterback. Those guys are so doomed next year.)

Guardians of the Galaxy Rocket Raccoon
See Jack, we’re Raccoon selfie enthusiasts too.

CROCODILES
Steve_Irwin
Jack, do you remember Steve Irwin, aka The Crocodile Hunter? You would have been a wee 5’9″ 175lb 12-year-old when a stingray cut his life short with a million dollar shot straight to the heart when he tried to pet it while scuba diving. Steve made crocodile selfies look easy because he was Australian. If you’ve never met an Aussie, they’re all 100% crazy as evidenced by the below photo of Steve holding his infant son while feeding a crocodile. If there was one thing worse than Michael Jackson dangling his baby off a balcony, it was dangling a baby in front of a hungry crocodile in the name of entertainment.

STEVE IRWIN SPARKING OUTRAGE AS HE HOLDS BABY SON IN FRONT OF CROCODILE, QUEENSLAND ZOO, AUSTRALIA - 02 JAN 2004
Imagine the outrage if Twitter existed when this happened.

ANACONDAS
AnacondaBut if you really, really insist, have a buddy take the photo. You need to use both hands to secure the head.

WOLVES
wolves1Yes, they’re basically big, cuddly dogs and howling at the moon together would be a blast but seriously dude, if LIAM NEESONS  goes mano-a-mano with a bunch of wolves and the movie ends before you even find out if he makes it out alive (SPOILER ALERT! You should have seen The Grey three years ago.), just think about what they would do to you. Granted, you are a 6’2″ 260lb bad ass but Liam Neesons had bottle claws and a very particular set of skills. Skills he acquired over a very long career.

LIAM NEESONS

VELOCIRAPTORS RIDING GREAT WHITE SHARKS
velociraptor-riding-a-shark
This picture may be Photoshopped. It’s hard to tell. Either way, the Velociraptor could stand to take a remedial course in gun safety. Look how carelessly that Uzi is being held.

And one final thing, from this point forward, your new nickname is THE BEASTMASTER. Wear it with pride.

beastmaster_poster_02

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