College Football, Huskers

Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy): Your Wyoming Preview

Wyoming week sure went by in a flash didn’t it?

Guess we can thank the sordid and idiotic crime saga of Scott L. Davis for that distraction. One can only imagine how awkward things will be for him during the game if whatever jail he’s in has a watch party.

Then again, maybe he’ll sleep through it since kickoff is at a barbarically early 11am which is 10am in Wyoming. In case you had better things to do than pay attention to the Cowboys’ season opener, they were up playing until 2:30am. Their game against Northern Illinois endured a 110 minute weather delay before ending in triple overtime with the Cowboys winning 40-34.

Mountain West Basketball Tournament - Quarterfinals Wyoming v UNLV
Wanna win a $20 Taco John’s gift card? Find “Barrelman” tomorrow, get a pic with him, and tweet it to us. First one wins all the Olés.

This week more than a few pundits have speculated that Wyoming’s late night could be a factor as if they were the first college kids to ever stay out until the wee hours of a Sunday morning.

Couple Wyoming’ s theoretical fatigue with the special blue light blocking glasses the Huskers are wearing to help get better sleep and you’ve got a guaranteed Husker victory. Right?

If that’s all it took I’d be totally OK with that.

The Huskers will probably have to put in a little more effort though.

With receiver Brandon Reilly coming back from his one game suspension, maybe Danny Langsdorf will open up the playbook and have Tommy air it out more. If you can believe it, people were actually complaining that the he didn’t throw the ball enough against Fresno State.

Wyoming is apparently good at running the ball. But who cares? It’s not like any of their backs will be able to run past Nate Gerry. He’s also back from his one game suspension. Until he gets ejected for targeting.

Finally, there’s the Craig Bohl factor. In three seasons in Laramie, he’s rustled up a 7-18 record for the Cowboys, which isn’t exactly stellar after three consecutive FCS Championships at North Dakota State.

Before North Dakota State, Bohl, as we all know, spent eight seasons as a Nebraska assistant, with his last three as defensive coordinator. While many stories have painted this game as a welcome homecoming for Bohl, let’s not forget he was all but run out Lincoln following the 2002 season.

In case you blocked it from your memory, the Huskers finished an unimaginable 7-7 that year. To shake things up, Frank Solich fired Bohl and hired an up and coming coach named Bo Pelini.

If Bohl would have been good at his job, Pelini would have never been hired and Husker fans would have never become enamored with the guy after he turned around the defense and filled-in as head coach in an Alamo Bowl win against Michigan State.

Then again, if Solich would have been good at his job (or if Steve Pederson wasn’t a lunatic) he wouldn’t have been fired and we wouldn’t have had to suffer through Bill Callahan before suffering through Pelini.

But then we wouldn’t have had this guy come into our lives.

Mike Riley Happy Balloon

Huskers win 48-14.


 

 

 

 

 

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Huskers

Is Foltz Burglar Scott L. Davis America’s Dumbest Criminal?

It certainly didn’t take long for Scott L. Davis, the criminal mastermind “alleged” to have robbed the home and vehicle of Jordan Foltz, to be apprehended by the long arm of the York County Sheriff’s Department.

As you may have already guessed, the quotation marks around alleged up above are fully sarcastic because what is known about Mr. Davis so far does not paint the picture of a man who would ever be described as the sharpest knife in a drawer, even if he was the only knife in the drawer.

Let’s break it all down, shall we?

According to a rough timeline of events published by the Omaha World-Herald, Davis was pulled over in York County sometime between midnight and 1am Sunday morning on suspicion of driving under the influence.

Jordan Foltz  would discover that he had been robbed when he arrived back home in Greeley around 3am.

Based on Google Maps, it’s about an hour and 45 minutes from York to Greeley so Jordan and Davis didn’t miss each other by much and they very well could have crossed paths.

Going back to Davis, here’s how we know his day went down.

At around 5pm back in Greeley (population 466), a resident noticed a green Buick Regal pulling out of the Foltz driveway.

I mean, if you’re going to burglarize a place, shouldn’t you at least wait until after the sun goes down? And maybe even park your getaway car around the block instead of in the driveway, where it’s out in plain sight for all of Foltz’s neighbors to see?

But then again, I’m not a criminal mastermind like Davis. Striking under the cover of darkness is clearly for amateurs. The pro-move is to do it in the middle of the day because if you don’t act suspicious, you’re not going to look suspicious.

Except for that part where you’re a stranger with a strange car (without license plates) entering a house in a town where everyone knows each other and everyone knows the people who live in that house are out of town.

Nope. Wouldn’t raise any red flags at all.

A few hours pass. Maybe Davis spent some quality time with his girlfriend and her Greeley family?

Or maybe they hit the road immediately after the big heist but were lured off the highway by Nitecrawlers Bar in scenic Worms, NE and pounded a few pitchers of victory beers?

Because how else are you going to explain getting so blasted that you can’t drive in a straight line on the straightest stretch of Interstate in the known universe?

All you have to do is set the cruise control at 65mph, make sure your headlights are on and keep the front end pointed away from the corn. It is not that difficult.

But apparently it was a task far too formidable for Davis to handle.

Scott L Davis Crime SpreeThe blue line shows the route from Davis’ listed residence of Lennox, SD to Greeley. The red line shows how far he made it before he got busted.

The greatest irony all when it comes to Davis getting popped for a DUI in York County is that he had been cited for the exact same offense in York County when he was an 18-year-old back in 1997.

What he was doing in Nebraska back then, who knows?

But now, nearly 20 years later, he found himself in the same place. There he was. Swerving down the open road in his Buick Regal (again, no license plates, not at all suspicious to cops), his girlfriend at his side and a carload of stolen treasures that included a gas can with the name Foltz inscribed upon it.

Not to get too deep into the psychology of the criminally inept but what do you think the chances are that Davis regaled his girlfriend with the story of his 1997 arrest while they approached York County in his 1998 Regal?

I’d say pretty good.

A man can learn a lot after being out in the world for 20 years. The school of life is a wonderful teacher.

Then again, a man can prove that he has learned absolutely nothing by getting pinched for the exact same charge in the exact same spot decades later.

Scott L. Davis has only been in our lives for barely a day and I am so fascinated by him. His sliver of life that we’ve been privy to is like the best worst episode of COPS ever.

In fact, his life is so tragic on a small depressing scale that you can almost see his recent crime spree playing out as a grandiose fantasy in which he’s Robert De Niro in Heat and York County is his Waingro.

Like De Niro, Davis was so close to pulling it off and making a clean getaway but ego got the best of him and he had get his revenge on York County by buzzing that big hot air balloon looking water tower completely shit-faced.

I’ve never read the criminal handbook but I assume the title for chapter one is: “Don’t Get Caught.”

And the title for chapter two is probably: “Don’t Get Caught Committing a Crime That’s Unrelated to the Crime You’re Currently Committing.”

It takes a special kind of genius to get caught the way Davis did. In fact, you could say it takes the kind of genius who once nearly cut off his own finger and shared their gaping wound on Facebook.

Scott L Davis Mangled Finger

If you want to see the uncensored version, you can visit Davis’ Facebook page but he probably won’t be able to respond to any friend requests for the next few years.


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Huskers

Memorial Stadium, We Need to Talk

By now everybody has posted their play-by-play review of the game on Saturday. I’m not going to give you another one of those, you get it. Things can change, Nebraska actually ran the ball.

Now I’m looking for more changes at Memorial Stadium. Or I’m going to possibly get in trouble.

I’m not ranking these changes that need to happen. They are all of equal importance.

Cheese Runzas

Runza_CheeseCREME

Why is it 2016 and I can only get a plain Runza at Memorial Stadium? If you asked 100 people if they wanted a plain Runza or a cheese Runza, 98 of them would say a cheese Runza, and the other two people wouldn’t have opinions worth respecting. Everything is better with cheese. Now I expect this to be changed by Saturday.

Children

Group of children
They look real cute until they sit next to you for 4 quarters

Two kids behind us somehow separately fell two rows down onto my mom during the game. Glad my mom was there to break their fall. Just kidding, her back hurts and the mom didn’t even apologize. If that’s the amount of attention you are going to be paying to your kids, how about you pay a sitter. I don’t want to go to a game and have children bothering me the whole time. I don’t have kids because I wouldn’t know what to do with them. But I know what to do with yours. Parents, here is my suggestion.

The Wave

Is this the wave that ruined everything?

To quote The Boneyard, “‘The Wave’ started spontaneously in 2012, students and the band will lead the wave throughout the entire stadium, controlling its speed and direction.”

But, according to Leslie Micek of Big Red Fury, the wave should spontaneously stop in 2016. The wave is an abomination. The wave is for followers. The wave is for people who stand up because somebody else stands up. And don’t even get me started on how people in Memorial Stadium do the slow-mo and fast wave. What the hell is that about? Just stop it and watch the damn game.

Stadium Seats

Always nice to have those hard plastic backs be in the space that was meant for your knees
Always nice to have those hard plastic backs be in the space that was meant for your knees

If you give me enough trash bags, I will go around the stadium before the game and end this once and for all. These take up more than one seat and I am going to take a measuring tape to the game and measure a seat and then measure the whole bench because I know I’m right. The only exception I will make is for super old people, I’m fine with the elderly having them but if you are in your 40s or something and need a cushion, stay at home in your La-Z-Boy and watch the game.

Actually, I know I said I wasn’t going to rank anything but I can go without cheese on my Runza if these are all thrown away by Saturday.

I guess life is about priorities.


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Huskers

An Open Letter to the Criminal Mastermind who Robbed the Foltz Family

Dear Dipshit

Congratulations on successfully claiming the title of the most vile person in the Great State of Nebraska. That’s far from an easy feat to achieve and I commend you for doing so without having resort to violence.

All you had to do was burgle the home of a member of the Foltz family while they were in Lincoln honoring the life of Sam.

Out of all the below-the-belt dirty things a person could do, yours was an act so deep in the depths of wrong that even the most dastardly creative member of the Albanian mafia would have pumped the brakes on that one.

And what did you get? A TV and some tools? What? You didn’t feel like stuffing some silverware in your pockets on your way out?

According to news reports, the total retail value of your haul was around $1,400. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I’ve watched enough episodes of Pawn Stars to know at best you might be able to clear $300 at the expense of committing a crime the entire state (and every college football fan around the country) knows about.

Oh sure. You could have poached those items for personal use but what happens when you have friends over to bask in the glow of your new-to-you TV?

If you’re the type of person who needs to resort to stealing a TV in order to have a TV,  you’re probably not the type who has the money for a new TV in the first place. So how are you going to explain that purchase while the dump you call home is one strong gust of wind away from being scattered around Greeley County?

And the tools, aside from the fact that you stole from someone’s livelihood, at least those are practical things to have. But as many well-rounded guys and ladies know, Snap-on brand tools have a level of cachet far beyond the Kolbat garbage found at Lowe’s. Hand anyone a Snap-on tool and the first thing they always do is admire its precision quality before putting it to use.

So I guess that means you now have a set tools you can never loan anyone or bust out at a workplace (assuming you’re at all employable) since people who work where tools are used love talking about tools. A mystery set of Snap-ons is going to be a hard one to explain because those are kind of tools people don’t find at garage sales.

If there’s one thing Nebraskans love more than the Huskers, it’s gossiping about their neighbors. In a case like yours, the mantra ‘snitches get stitches‘ goes right out the window. The fact that you’re still at large makes me think you acted alone. There’s no way you and an accomplice could have made it past the 24 hour mark without one of you trying to rat out the other the moment you felt the heat of an entire state breathing down your neck.

If anyone finds out there’s even a remote chance you’re the guilty party, you’re gonna be so doomed I almost feel bad laughing at the possibilities. Do you really think the bars of a jail cell are strong enough to protect you from the wrath of a football team, scratch that, an entire state out for a super-sized serving of prairie justice?

Really, you only have two options:

1) Anonymously return everything you stole (leaving it all on the tennis courts across the street from the Greeley County Courthouse would be my easily findable suggestion) and take what you did to your grave.

or

2) Return nothing and take what you did to your grave.

Let’s be honest. What you did was so awful, you’ll want to keep this one to yourself even when a priest is administering your last rites (should you be so lucky to die in an organized fashion) because your second-to-last breath will suddenly be your last.

Nebraskans take a lot of pride in being known the world over as a quality and trusted people.

You, my friend, have violated that trust in the worst possible way and will be paying the price sooner than you think.

Good luck.
Mike Riley - Taken 2Mike Riley’s particular set of skills consists of having a roster of total bad asses that runs 139 people deep.


 

 

 

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Big Ten, Huskers

Sunday Morning Hot Takes: Fresno State Edition

Well, that was certainly a much better way to start a season.

Between the combination of Mike Riley apparently spending his off-season reading each and every one of his emails with a subject header of “Run the damn ball” and Fresno State being Fresno State, the Huskers gave fans exactly what they wanted to see- a dominating victory by the Big Red.

With enough subtle miscues and missed opportunities to have things to complain about, of course.

The Huskers ran the ball 80% of the time and limited Tommy Armstrong to only 10 passing attempts in a throwback to the era of that other Tommie.

Is this a game plan the Huskers will stick with all year? Who knows? It was just great to see they were able to roll Fresno State without having to empty the playbook. The less details that can be revealed to Oregon the better.

Compared to last season, it was so refreshing to be able to kick back and enjoy the game without the possibility of a brutal, gut wrenching last second defeat entering the picture.

Our Californians for Nebraska watch site was packed from wall-to-wall and felt like the first day of school. Conversations from last season picked up right where they left off.  There were handshakes, high fives, and new faces all around.

Husker Crowd
This is only a fraction of the Sea of Red that had gathered in Hollywood for the Huskers’ season opener.

Hopefully the crowds will keep going because November’s showdown with Ohio State will be interesting to say the least.  Our local spot is also an Ohio State bar.

NEW OLD WATCH SITEWhy yes, in LA a $4 Bud Light is considered a good deal.

Look for us on the next episode of the Big Red Cobcast.

Or in jail…

Funny how bogus targeting calls can do that.

Mike Riley’s Balloon Watch:

Mike Riley Happy Balloon
All is well in Lincoln for another week.

Our Score Prediction:

One of Hollywood Blvd’s many Spider-Men made the call.

Spidey’s 42-21 final was averaged out from our predictions in our season preview. Not a bad way to start the season.

The last time Nebraska played Fresno State: We were there in Fresno and crashed the Abdullah family tailgate and wrote about it in one of this site’s first posts. You can take a stroll down Husker memory lane here.

NUMBERS TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH

2: Number of sacks by Dapper Ross Dzuris.

Ross Dzuris
Dapper Ross Dzuris. Let’s make this nickname happen, people.

114: Tommy Armstrong and Ryker Fyfe’s combined passing total was Nebraska’s lowest in a season opener since Jamal Lord(!) threw for 78 yards in the 2003 opener against Oklahoma State. The Huskers won that game 17-7.

103: Devine Ozigbo ran for 103 yards on 17 carries. Last season, the Huskers didn’t have a hundred yard rusher until game seven when Terrell Newby put up 116 against Minnesota.

CORRECTION: Newby went HAM against South Alabama and broke off 198 yards in the second game of last season. Let this be a lesson, kids. Don’t comb trough game stats while you’re still drunk from the game.

8: Chris Jones, number 8 in your program and number 1 in your heart, continued his interception streak that started in the Foster Farms Bowl. Like his pick against UCLA, last night’s also came in the end zone.

51-13: The Huskers’ run to pass ratio. That outta shut up your cranky uncle for at least a day.

0: Number of turnovers committed by the Huskers.

27: The tribute to Sam Foltz  was everything you hoped it would be and then some.  Its poignancy was felt all the way out here in California. As the Huskers lined up in formation for their first punt, fans quickly noticed who was missing and the din of a packed bar instantly went silent.

Sam Foltz JerseyYou’ll always be with Husker Nation, Sam.


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College Football, Huskers

Welcome to the longest night of the year.

Well everyone, we’ve almost made it. One more night to go and we’ll be waking up to our first Husker game day of the season.

We’ve waited so many long, lonely months and now that we’re mere hours away, the suspense is Bo-Pelini-giving-you-a-root-canal excruciating.

Even Larry can’t handle it.

You’d think for a man of his stature, he’d be able to make it McRib season anytime of year, pork future conspiracy theories be damned.

Since we’re all going to be up into the wee hours of the night, alternating between tossing and turning in bed and fighting the desire to run through the nearest wall, we might as well have a little fun.

First up, Tunnel Walk of Shame returned with a brilliant new comic to start the season. If you didn’t read it first thing this morning, go ahead and click that link. This place isn’t going anywhere.

Now, there are going to be many new faces on both sides of the ball. For your convenience, we whipped up some depth charts to help explain who’s who.

DEPTH CHART - OFFENSE.001

And here’s the how the Huskers will be lining up on defense.

DEFENSE DEPTH CHART FINAL.001
If you want to be the hit of your watch party, here are the depth charts as printable PDFs.

DEPTH CHART – OFFENSE

DEPTH CHART – DEFENSE

When I can’t sleep at night, I’m a big fan of falling down the YouTube rabbit hole. If you’re not sick of watching Husker pump up videos (and if you are, what kind of fan you?), we made two, yes two, for this season.

One is a little ridiculous and the other other is a LOT ridiculous. You can decide for yourself which is which.

Just in case you need to wind down after watching those two, here’s one more that’s all Jordan Westerkamp set to the sweet, sweet sounds of Hall and Oates.

Finally, here’s a little lullaby courtesy of the undisputed greatest team in college football history, your 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers.

GBR. It’s going to be a good day tomorrow.

 

 

 

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College Football, Huskers

Field Trip Report: Calabasas High’s Season Opener

Two simple things will help you go far in life: a positive attitude and a cooler full of snacks.

And it sure doesn’t hurt to be a Husker fan.

All three elements were in full effect last Friday night as those of us who make up the West Coast branch of Big Red Fury took a little road trip from Los Angeles out to the far reaches of the San Fernando Valley to catch Calabasas High’s season opener against their cross freeway rivals Agoura High.

Malibu
The Pacific Coast Highway is no I-80 but it will have to do.

There’s no denying that the Calabraska hype is real and we were curious to see for ourselves just how real it was. We’re pleased to report that it is very real and very well deserved. The players, coaches, parents, and fans who make up the Calabasas High football program have built something very special. This is the kind of school Husker Nation should be proud to have a connection with and the feeling is mutual in Calabasas. Folks are very impressed and optimistic about what is happening in Lincoln.

On that note, we should mention that we went as fans and most certainly weren’t on a mission to dig up any dirt or add a NCAA recruiting violation to our list of achievements, everything about field our trip was on the up and up. We were simply out to watch a game and have a good time under the Friday night lights.

And that good time started like this…

Tailgate

Twenty minutes later, we were taking a selfie with the first of several new friends.

Our new Calabasas friend
Since we’re double teaming this recap, we’re going to audible into an option so you can get two distinct points of view in one post.

Take it away, Leslie.

The most interesting thing about tailgating a high school football game is tailgating a high school football game.

Leslie Tailgate
Leslie gets in some reps before she heads to Lincoln for the season opener.

I’m going to need this to be a thing that people around the country openly accept and embrace. JV games stink and there is no denying it. So why not fire up the grill and watch from what was called the “sky box” overlooking Frank Greminger Stadium at Agoura High. Very exclusive stuff happens here in Southern California. However, not everybody showed up on Friday (hey Husker fans, where were you?), but the important people were there.

And guys, he did come up to us and ask for a picture. I just wanted to tell you that because: 1) I hate asking people for pictures, that’s a rookie move, act like you hang out with celebrities all the time and 2) I just wanted to tell you that Keyshawn Johnson asked for a picture with me.

It was a pretty awesome night. Seeing Tristan Gebbia connect with Keyshawn Jr. for the first touchdown of the season was cool if you like to think about those guys playing in Memorial Stadium. (I do).

Skybox ViewHey football, it’s good to see you again.

There were some other pretty good players, I really liked this guy named Darnay Holmes. A WR and CB. I think he might have a bright future ahead of him. Hell, Nebraska might even start to recruit him. That could be fun.

Anyway, after a ton of penalties, two interceptions, and shaking off some first game rust, Calabasas ran away with the game 46-28. It wasn’t even close. None of the starters even played the 4th quarter which gave me time to enjoy a couple more wings and ask around about this new Darnay kid.

Watching with Keyshawn
Leslie enjoys the game from the “sky box” with her new bestie Keyshawn.

OK, Todd. Now it’s your turn to impress everyone.

Well, Leslie,  since it’s going to be hard to top your sarcasm I’ll lead with this photo I took of that “Darnay kid” sharing a laugh with Tristan on the sidelines in the fourth quarter.

Tristan Gebbia and Darnay Holmes
Tristan Gebbia’s final stat line after three quarters of work: 23 for 31 and 320 yards. Meanwhile, Darnay Holmes scored touchdowns on three of his seven catches, totaling 119 yards, and was voted the game’s MVP.

What you don’t see in this photo is me standing in the eye of the hurricane that was the Calabasas student section. Those kids brought the energy for four quarters and still were polite enough to not heckle the old guy who wandered into their turf. A good bunch of kids they were.

The same held true for the parents in attendance. Watching the game with a couple of retired NFL stars was a treat. Getting a glimpse of how differently they see a football game was mind blowing. As soon as the players lined up over the ball, they knew exactly how things were going to play out. And on top of that, they were some of the chillest sports parents I’ve ever seen. Keyshawn Sr. and Darick Holmes could post up at a youth soccer complex and charge good money for lessons in how to remain calm and relaxed while your kid is on the field. It was really nice to see.

As far as the Calabasas squad goes, they’re going to be a tough team to beat. Once Gebbia worked out the first quarter kinks, he was money. He’s going to have a lot of fun this year throwing to Keyshawn Jr. and Darnay. Defenses are going to be bummed trying to cover those two.

From start to finish, this was a great experience. The Calabasas fans showed the same enthusiasm and gracious hospitality that Husker fans are known for. Seriously, it was like walking into an alternate dimension of awesome. If you get a chance, you should definitely check out a game. You can see the full Calabasas schedule here.

We’ll definitely be back for some more Coyote Football. That’s for sure.


 

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Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

Gear Up For Gameday

If you search ‘Huskers’ on eBay, a bunch of things that don’t need to exist happen to show up for sale. So whether you are looking for a new jacket for October tailgating or some artwork for the man cave, get ready for gameday with my eBay round up. In honor of Ryker Fyfe, here are the top 17 Husker items up for sale.

17. Youth Nebraska Cornhuskers Taylor Martinez Small Jersey

Who this is for: A little kid that you hate.

Why you should buy it: I don’t know. It’s basically free, I guess.

Taylor Martinez kids jersey
Too bad it’s not autographed

16. Women’s Nebraska Huskers Lingerie Night Gown

Who this is for: The very lucky lady in your life.

Why you should buy it: As seen on Victoria’s Secret models, probably.

Somebody actually owns this
Somebody actually owns this

15. Vintage Nebraska Cornhuskers Glass?

Who this is for: CU Fans.

Why you should buy it: To break it.

This Ebay user should be reported for listing this as a Nebraska item
This Ebay user should be reported for listing this as a Nebraska item

14. Vintage Nebraska Pager Cover

Who this is for: Somebody who still has a pager.

Why you should buy it: There is only one of these and probably only one person with a pager so it’s a match.

Only one left in the world
Only one left in the world

13. Nebraska Cornhuskers Vinyl Stadium Seats

Who this is for: Awful  people who use these.

Why you should buy it: You shouldn’t. If you sit next to me in these, I’m going to hate you. They take more than one space. You are at a football game, I have faith that you can survive for a few hours without cushions.

If you have to sit on these, you have no business being at a football game
If you have to sit on these, you have no business being at a football game

12. Corn Coozies

Who this is for: Men, women, and children.

Why you should buy it: This is one of those items that you didn’t know that you need, but you definitely do.

A Budweiser would look good in one of these
A Budweiser would look good in one of these

11. Nebraska Cornhuskers bed in a bag

Who this is for: I could see Taylor Martinez having this in his room. Or people who like to have nightmares about mediocre football.

Why you should buy it: It will match your new lingerie.

Act quickly. There are only 10 available, so not everybody will get one.
Act quickly. There are only 10 available, so not everybody will get one.

10. 1997 National Champions T-shirt

Who this is for: Somebody looking for a faded gray t-shirt

Why you should buy it: They haven’t made any of these since 1997

Over priced since you will be able to buy a brand new 2017 version soon
Over priced since you will be able to buy a brand new 2017 version soon

9. Portable Tailgate Cornhole Set

Who this is for: Anybody that wants me to visit their tailgate.

Why you should buy it: Because it’s awesome.

Screen Shot 2016-08-22 at 2.15.20 PM
More than 10 available means I better see some of these at the tailgates

8. Vintage 1997 Huskers Football Unisex Glass

Who this is for: Anyone who loves equal rights and the 1997 Cornhuskers.

Why you should buy it: Not often do you come across a glass that both men and women can drink out of.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 5.36.03 PM
Equal rights for all drinkers

7. TOM OSBORNE Nebraska Cornhuskers artist signed FOOTBALL ART vintage champions

Who this is for: People who are fans of vintage champions, that’s a nice way of saying they haven’t been recent champions.

Why you should buy it: Art is pretty good investment, and lucky for you, there are more than 10 available at the low, low price of $14.99.

Looking good, Dr. Tom
Looking good, Dr. Tom

6. Nebraska Huskers 90s Starter Jacket 

Who this is for: Someone who can fit in a child’s XL.

Why you should buy it: It’s cool as hell and there is no denying it.

I'm going to look so good in this
I’m going to look so good in this

5. Taylor Martinez Signed Photo

Who this is for: Somebody with $40 too much money in their bank account.

Why you should buy it: Probably don’t.

Closed eyes, full hearts, can't lose
Closed eyes, full hearts, can’t lose

4. Tom Osborne and Bo Pelini Signed Football

Who this is for: A true fan who remembers the best of times and the worst of times.

Why you should buy it: Similar versions with only a Tom Osborne signature are about $100 more. This is a bargain. Just white out Bo’s signature.

Free shipping because the owner wants this out of their house
Free shipping because the owner wants this out of their house

3. Rare Warren Buffett and Tom Osborne Autographed ball

Who this is for: People who weren’t interested in the bargain Bo Pelini ball above.

Why you should buy it: Maybe it comes with an authentic email from Warren asking why you just wasted $3,500.

Warren would not approve of this investment
Warren would not approve of this investment

2. Nebraska Huskers Recruiting Machine Telephone 

Who this is for: Anybody that has the numbers for Darnay Holmes or Joseph Lewis.

Why you should buy it: If a recruit knew you were calling on this, they would probably commit immediately.

Probably the only missing piece in the recruiting process
Probably the only missing piece in the recruiting process

1. Bo Pelini business card

Who this is for: A collector of rare items, misprints, and mistakes.

Why you should buy it: Stick this in your man cave so the next time the Huskers lose, you can remind everyone who is really at fault.

Integrity-Trust-Respect-Teamwork-Loyalty The 5 pillars of Bo's existence
Integrity-Trust-Respect-Teamwork-Loyalty: the 5 pillars of Bo’s existence

 


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Big Ten, College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

The Big Red Fury Season Preview: Our Most Optimistic Post of the Year

As the calendar lurches towards the start of the season, each passing day brings fans new reasons for hope or dread as college football prognosticators trot out their previews.

Well, we’ve got nothing but good news and better news for you, dear reader. All three of us here at Big Red Fury summoned the ghosts of football future and came away with a consensus opinion.

The Huskers are going to kick a lot of ass this season.

The only question mark is exactly how much ass will be kicked.

Pour yourself a glass of Kool-aid. You’re going to enjoy this preview.

Game 1: Fresno State – September 3

FRESNO STATE FAN
At least one guy is pumped to be living in the Grand Island of California.

KUBRICKIAN GLEE: Tim DeRuyter got off to an auspicious start as Fresno State’s head coach when he landed in the raisin belt capital back in 2012. He won two straight Mountain West Conference titles while amassing a solid 20-6 record. Since then, Tim’s luck has gone to shit. The Bulldogs are just 9-17 over the last two seasons. You may remember Nebraska terrorizing these bastards on their home turf back in 2014 in a 55-19 waxing. Things aren’t going to get much better for the Bulldogs when FSU hits Lincoln for the season opener. Nebraska 49 Fresno State 10.

TODD MUNSON: It’s not BYU so I’m happy. Does the dad from Orange County Choppers still coach the Bulldogs? Huskers roll 42-17 and give fans visions of somewhere between 1995-1997.

LESLIE MICEK: I think it’s going to be a bigger blowout than 35-14 but I’ll stick with with something more realistic. This is the part of the season where anything is possible. I would have said BYU would have been a blowout last year but then I watched them throw a Hail Mary.

Game 2: Wyoming – September 10

WYOMING FANS
Pull your pants up, son. You’re wearing a bucket, old man.

KG: Right about now Craig Bohl might wonder why he exchanged the dynastic FCS bounty of Fargo, North Dakota for the massive headache of trying to run a Division 1 program out of Laramie, Wyoming. Sure, the scenery beats the hell out of Fargo, but former Husker Bohl had become the Tom Osborne of the NCAA Football Championship Subdivision, forging a run not dissimilar to Nebraska in the mid 1990s. But now? Bohl is the owner of a 6-18 record playing in the God-forsaken Mountain West. Relish those 2015 victories over Nevada and UNLV, Craig, because you and your Cowboys aren’t waking up from your prolonged nightmare any time soon. Nebraska 45 Wyoming 14.

TODD: It’s a rude return to Lincoln for Craig Bohl. Nebraska wins 52-21 in such a convincing fashion that fans will momentarily forget that Oregon is coming to Lincoln the following week.

LESLIE: Wyoming stinks. Huskers win 45-7.

Game 3: Oregon – September 17

Sad Ducks Fans
When your Tinder date turns out to be a juggalo. 

KG: It’s Duck season! Nebraska fans have this date circled on their calendars the day these two teams were scheduled. Some of the luster may have fallen off, though, after the recently mighty Ducks fell back to Earth a little in 2015 with a disappointing (for them) 9-4 campaign. Offensive coordinator Scott Frost’s departure to UCF also saps a little of the intrigue this game had going for it just a year ago. But seeing Mike Riley get a crack at his old in-state nemesis with an arsenal like he’s never had in Corvalis— there’s still plenty to get excited about.

The Ducks, as usual, will be able to put up some points on the Blackshirts. But Oregon’s own defense is a definite liability. Opponents scored an average of 44 points against Oregon in 2015. And most of that personnel returns in 2016. Throw in a questionable quarterback situation (that has former Husker commit Terry Wilson in the mix), and conditions seem favorable for Mike Riley getting a little payback against the old neighborhood bully. Nebraska 42 Oregon 38.

TODD: This game is the only question mark on the Huskers’ home schedule and there’s no middle ground. A win for the Huskers will mean the sky’s the limit for the season (at least until October 29). A loss, no matter how close, will mark the return of  the dark cloud of doom (at least until October 29.) Best case scenario for this game is that Coach Riley channels his inner John Kreese and sweeps the leg for a full 60 minutes. Huskers win 28-24.

LESLIE: I’m glad they don’t have  Vernon Adams or Scott Frost anymore. Easy to root against them again. Huskers. 28-21.

Game 4: at Northwestern – September 24

NORTHWESTERN FANS
A moment of silence for these poor kids who were rejected by Ivy League schools.

KG: Let’s be honest, before Nebraska joined the Big Ten, what would you have predicted Nebraska’s record would be against Northwestern five seasons in if you’d have bothered to even think about it? 5-0? 4-1, allowing for some strange fiasco of an upset somewhere along the way?

Well, Nebraska is now 3-2 in conference vs. Northwestern. And all but one of those games has turned out to be a nail-biter. Last season’s match was one of a gamut of frustrating, heartbreaking losses within the final minute of play, despite Nebraska outmatching the Wildcats in virtually all facets of the game. The difference in that contest (as with most in 2015) was turnovers. Nebraska had just one against Northwestern, but it was a big one — a 72-yard pick-six with just over seven minutes left in the half. Nebraska was marching on that drive and, had Armstrong’s pass gone the other way, it would’ve meant a 17-7 lead that probably wouldn’t have been relinquished. Instead, the Wildcats took a 14-10 advantage, giving them just enough to stave off Nebraska’s control of the game in the second half.

If Armstrong is new and improved in the turnover department, as some observers have said, things probably won’t be quite as rosy for Northwestern this year. Even with the game in Evanston which, let’s be honest, isn’t a particular advantage for the home team. Nebraska 31 Northwestern 21.

TODD: The good thing about playing Northwestern on the road is you don’t have to worry about the Wildcats coming into Lincoln and finding a new way to humiliate the Huskers. Nebraska hasn’t lost at Evanston since 1931 and they won’t do it again this year. Huskers win 31-17.

LESLIE: Not only am I planning on sneaking onto the sidelines again at that embarrassment that they call Ryan Field, I’m planning on dancing after a bunch of touchdowns. Huskers 34-does it even matter? Northwestern is losing.

Game 5: Illinois – October 1

ILLINOIS FANS
Sorry, Chief. Lovie Smith won’t save your Illini from another horrible season.

KG: Prior to the Purdue debacle, Illinois was the absolute nadir of Nebraska’s season in 2015. I still boil with anger when I recall the manner in which Nebraska squandered a 13-0 4th quarter lead only to lose in the final ten damn seconds. It was like watching the scene in Austin Powers when the security guard screamed for a solid 60 seconds as Powers’ steamroller inched toward him. All he had to do. All Nebraska had to do. Was step out of the way.

When the Illini come to Lincoln this year, expect something more akin to the Pelini-era outcomes. Nebraska 49 Illinois 17

TODD: Just to prove that last season was a total aberration, the Huskers should run the ball every time they face a 3rd & 7 and rack up 150+ bonus yards in the process. Chief Illiniwek gets wrecked 42-10.

LESLIE: I’m worried because Illinois will be coming off a bye week and I’m just kidding. Huskers 31-14.

Bye week – October 8

KG: I’ll be driving the choo-choo at Vala’s Pumpkin Patch.

TODD: Do some yard work. Reintroduce yourself to your family.

LESLIE: I predict Nebraska will win.

Game 6: at Indiana – October 15

INDIANA
A capacity crowd was on-hand for Indiana’s season opener last year.

KG: One of the most intriguing matches of 2016 is Nebraska’s trip to Bloomington. The Hoosiers have the most statistically dominant offense in the Big Ten — although, talent-wise, that title probably should go to Ohio State. Nonetheless, Indiana can put up some points and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Just ask the 2014 SEC East champions, Missouri. The Tigers fell to Indiana 31-27. On the heels of an Indiana loss to Bowling Green, too. 

The Hoosiers will be game for a basketball-type score (what else would you expect), but Nebraska should have no trouble tearing through Indiana’s defense. This one is going to be a track meet (and a little too close for comfort) but I see Nebraska pulling it out. Nebraska 41 Indiana 34. 

TODD: This is Nebraska’s sixth season as a member of the Big Ten and it’s their first time squaring off against Indiana as a conference opponent. Your days of dodging the Big Red are over, Indiana. Huskers win 55-21.

LESLIE: A battle to the death of two teams coming off 6-7 records. Only difference is that Nebraska is a lot better than their record shows. Also, Indiana plays Ohio St. the week before and Nebraska comes off a bye. Sorry, Indiana. Huskers 45-17.

Game 7: Purdue – October 22

PURDUEPhotos of Purdue fans do not exist on the internet so here are some Indiana fans insulting the ladies of Purdue.

KG: Revenge will be at hand. Purdue is the worst team in the Big Ten and they will come to Lincoln having poked the gorilla with its ridiculous 55-45 win last year. Look for Nebraska to eliminate the five turnovers that turned last season’s match into an embarrassment. Nebraska 49 Purdue 17.

TODD: The Huskers should save the Boliermakers the trouble of a road trip and just schedule an Indiana/Purdue double header the week before. Or, they could give Tommy the week off and let Ryker start so he can get chance at cold-blooded revenge. Huskers win 38-24.

LESLIE: Goals for the Purdue game this year: under 4 interceptions, rush more than 77 yards, and win. Simple. Huskers 37-14.

Game 8: at Wisconsin – October 29

badgersfansWisconsin fans are creeps.

KG: Quick trivia question: What is Nebraska’s combined record vs. Big Ten juggernauts Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State and Penn State?

Is it a) 4-10 or b) 10-4?

If you said “b” 10-4, give yourself a cigar! This cherry-picked bit of knowledge belies the notion that Nebraska has struggled in its time in the Big Ten. Nebraska has, in fact, posted the 4th best league record since joining the conference in 2011. While it hasn’t quite hit the mark that most Husker fans anticipated heading in to the Big Ten, Nebraska has held its own in virtually every category. Except one.

Playing Wisconsin.

Oy. I wonder if Barry Alvarez has any mixed emotions seeing the Monster of Madison he created bat his alma mater around like Lennie Small petting a scared bunny. While Mike Riley’s Huskers did a great job of not allowing the Badgers to embarrass Nebraska (in a way Pelini rarely could), the last second loss was still among the hardest to stomach in 2015. Andy Janovich’s 55-yard burst up the middle in the waning minutes of the game had Husker fans believing the Wisconsin demon had been exorcised. But no, the Cheesehead Linda Blair had one more gullet of projectile vomit to spew in our collective faces.

It will be tough. But I think Nebraska goes to Madison and takes care of business. It helps that Wisconsin, I believe, is on a slow downtick from its respectable run of the last decade. Nebraska 28 Wisconsin 24.

TODD: Welcome to the first installment of the most terrifying two weeks of the season. Since joining the Big Ten, the Huskers’ average margin of defeat when playing at Madison has been a robust 33 points. For the sake of it being August and all, I’ll go out on a limb and say Mike Riley delivers an eat shit and FU of his own to the troglodytes who call themselves Badger fans. Huskers 24 Badgers 21.

LESLIE: Don’t be scared, Todd. The Blackshirts won’t be. Huskers 24-17.

Game 9: at Ohio State – November 5

columbusriot1
This is what happens when Columbus runs out of Cincinnati Chili.

KG: Ohio State. What’s there to say, really? Urban Meyer scares the shit out of me. And so does the talent level in Columbus. Still, in this age of parity, no team is absolutely invincible. Nebraska will get beat in The Horseshoe. But make no mistake, Riley and his squad will make a game of it. Nebraska 28 Ohio State 34.

TODD: If you’re traveling to this game, here are two things to know: 1) It’s only 175 miles from Columbus to Youngstown and 2) Bo Pelini and his Penguins will be playing on the road at North Dakota St. If you regret not egging his house when he lived in Lincoln, this is your big chance to make amends and give yourself at least one thing you’ll want to remember because I don’t see how the Huskers can escape that burning couch of a state with a win. Ohio State 35 Nebraska 21.

LESLIE: Todd doesn’t seem to understand that it’s August and this is the time right after depression and right before reality. The perfect time for optimism. The Huskers are going to walk right into that dump called Ohio Stadium and make that WR coach Zach Smith want to delete his twitter account. I hope they pass the ball 100% of the time and win so we can all tag him with the #Shhh hashtag that he loves so much. Westerkamp, DPE, Reilly, and Stan the Man are gonna get savage all up in Coach Smith’s face. Honest to god, I hate that guy. Shut him the hell up. Huskers 28-21.

Game 10: Minnesota – November 12

sel 4078Minnesota Nebraska
If you don’t have enough fans who are willing to spell out your team’s name, you don’t deserve to have a team.

KG: Jerry Kill had a remarkable run at Minnesota, moving the Gophers from an after-thought to a solid middle-of-the-conference program. I genuinely feel bad for Jerry and his health issues. But I’m not sorry to see him absent from the opposite sideline of Nebraska. The Husker dominance of Minnesota resumed in 2015. Onward. Nebraska 45 Minnesota 21.

TODD: A week of many hack Caddyshack jokes being made by this site culminates with the Huskers starting a new win streak at the expense of the Gophers who will find themselves hiding near the bottom of the Big Ten West standings. Huskers win 31-17.

LESLIE: If the Huskers could beat you last year, they can definitely beat you this year. Huskers 55-21.

Game 11: Maryland – November 19

MARYLAND FANS
Supposedly this is what Maryland fans look like.

KG: Maryland and Nebraska meet for the first time ever in Memorial Stadium. Since the two teams are unfamiliar with each other, it’s good news for Nebraska that the Terps are about as intimidating as a squad of actual turtles. Nebraska 51 Maryland 24

TODD: You might remember Maryland as the team who had those atrocious uniforms a couple seasons back, or for their most famous alumni (Shawne Merriman) dating Tila Tequila. If you need to use this weekend to prep for Thanksgiving you’re in luck. This game won’t be close. Huskers 42 Maryland 20.

LESLIE: Three wins last year? Good lord. Stick to basketball, Maryland. Huskers win by a billion.

Game 12: at Iowa – November 25

IOWA FANS
When Iowa fans realize their welfare checks aren’t big enough to cover Powerball tickets or an oil vaporizer pen and the Vape juice.

KG: The worst 12-0 regular season program I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing take the gridiron. As snake-bit as Nebraska was in 2015, Iowa was itself holding aces all season. But both teams showed their true colors in bowl games — a solid 37-29 victory over UCLA by Nebraska (a healthy margin that, quite frankly could’ve been even healthier) and a 45-16 ass shellacking of Iowa by Stanford in the Rose Bowl. Iowa made rings to mark their 12-0 regular season accomplishment. Good for them. Fucking losers. Nebraska 45 Iowa 10.

TODD: Mike Riley puts the exclamation point on #IOWAHATEWEEK by stealing the keys to Herky Hawkey’s El Camino and burning some donuts on the 50 yard line of Kinnick Stadium following a Huskers blowout victory.  Huskers win 38-14.

LESLIE: If I was running things, Iowa would have to sit out a year for that Rose Bowl performance. But since it doesn’t look like that is going to happen, Nebraska is going to have to play them. Unlike last season, Iowa actually has to play some real teams before Nebraska, so there is no chance they go into this undefeated again. As you can tell, I actually have the opposite. Nebraska is going in there undefeated this year and kicking some Iowa ass. Leave me alone. A person can dream. Huskers 21-17.

(But for real, watching Iowa collapse at the Rose Bowl was the highlight of last season.)

Final regular season tally:

KG: Huskers go 11-1 with a loss to Ohio State.
TODD: Same.
LESLIE: Huskers run the table and go 12-0.

Remember, what you just read is published on the internet, so you know it’s true. GBR.

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Hey K-Dubs, Here’s Your Guide to Watching Husker Games at Home

Good news, everyone! Keith Williams didn’t get fired.

From what I’ve been able to decipher through the flurry of tweets leading to stories blocked by paywalls, K-Dubs will remain suspended without pay through August 31 and won’t be attending the first four games in any capacity.

Games three and four, as you may know, are Oregon and at Northwestern. Good thing being good at catching the ball has never been important when playing the Wildcats.

In the interim, Mark Philipp can double up as strength and receivers coach. We all know that K-Dubs has ingrained such a T-1000 level of  killer technique in his receivers that the only coaching they’ll need in his absence are occasional subtle, yet stern reminders to not drop the ball.

And who’s better to do that than a guy who could rip you in half?

Mark Philipp
Mark Philipp, a guy who could rip you in half.

Now that we’ve solved the temporary coaching crisis, let’s move on to the topic at hand.

The stark reality is that K-Dubs has probably never watched a Husker game at home. Up until last season, he never had a connection to the team and before that, the guy was busy doing football stuff with other teams. Best case, he might have randomly caught one between 1997 and 2000 when he was out of football according to his bio.

OK K-Dubs, here’s how you Husker like you’re one of us.

STEP 1: STAY THE F HOME

Don’t go try to crash some tailgates or check out the scene at the Railyard. As much fun as it is to be a fan, you need keep a low profile, my friend. The last thing you want to do is wander through someone’s Snapchat story.

STEP 2: FOOD 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T ORDER A PIZZA. Everyone and their brother who isn’t at the game will all have the same brilliant idea to order a pizza. If you’re lucky (which, let’s face it, you are and we’re glad), it will show up in the middle of the third quarter but if your luck has run out, expect to see it on your porch by Sunday morning.

But what you want to do is bribe your extraordinarily understanding and loving wife with whatever it takes for her to swing by the nearest Runza drive-thru for you and pick up a few of Nebraska’s greatest sandwiches that can’t really be classified as sandwiches.

(My inner-fat kid also suggests stopping by Taco John’s for some Potato Olés to cross the streams of Nebraska deliciousness but we won’t press our luck. Runzas will have to do.)

runza-largeThe venerable Runza.

To go with your Runzas, you’ll need some sodas, maybe some sparkling water, and a party tray of carrots, celery, etc. If you need to stress eat, you might as well try to be healthy about it.

STEP 3: THE TV

Bigger and high-def’er is always better but as any Husker fan in the western reaches of the 308 will tell you, a Husker game can be just as stressful and exciting when you’re listening to it on a crackling radio while on the edge of your seat in a combine (the tractor, not football kind). But you’re city folk, so you can get the best of both worlds: TV and Radio.

Download the official Huskers app so you can stream the radio broadcast instead of listening the schlubs on TV drone on about Tommy and Jordan being roommates. Spend the first couple minutes of the game synchronizing the stream to your TV. It takes a little trial and error but once you get it locked in DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.

One last important detail, make sure your cable package has the Big Ten Network. If you need a password to watch online, hit me up. You can use the one I borrowed.

STEP 4: YELLING AT THE TV

Since you’ll be streaming the radio broadcast, you can pop-in your ear buds and have the TV on mute. Your wife will love you for that but what she won’t love is the inevitable screaming and yelling.

You have three options to prepare for this:

1. Treat your extraordinarily understanding and loving wife (and however many friends she’d like to bring along) to a spa day. (After she picks up your Runzas, of course.)

2.  Buy a screamin’ pillow to muffle the sound. Scream PillowThis is pretty self-explanatory.

3. Adopt a kitten. Todd and WillardThe calmest Husker game of my life took place on October 30, 2010, mere days after Willard was sprung from the pound. It also helped that the first quarter ended with the Huskers up 24 – 0 over Missouri thanks to Roy Helu Jr. running wild.

STEP 5: SOCIAL MEDIA

Think of this as the digital version of strolling through the Big Red Sea of tailgaters. No matter how hard you’re tempted, DON’T TWEET DURING THE GAME. It will just open the doors to trolls and you really don’t need to give that butthole coach at Ohio State a reason to be a bigger butthole.

What you can do, and I highly recommend it, is slide into the game thread on Huskermax. You don’t need to be a member unless you want to comment. Depending on what exactly you read though, you might want to become a member just so you can cool off some of the inevitable the-sky-is-falling hot takes and conspiracy theories. Seriously, bro. It’s like that every game.

Welcome to the other side of Husker Nation, K-Dubs. While it will be nice to have you among us, we can’t wait to see you back on the field.

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