Category Archives: Huskers

College Football, Huskers

For Whom the Bell Trolls

Twitter trolls are a fascinating species. You never know when they’ll strike from their dark and dank dens deep under the staircase that leads to their parent’s basement.

A couple Sundays ago, Husker Nation and its players received enough constructive feedback from the trolls that it felt like Middle Earth came to life.

Considering what happened that fateful morning, #TommyBomb’s reaction to the news was no worse than your aunt who will post a 500 word rant on Facebook whenever Hy-Vee doesn’t honor an expired coupon.

However, Tommy’s tweet had the trolls smelling blood in the water.

According to @Drama419‘s Twitter bio, he’s a “Family man, traveling man. Sports nut, Noles, Vikes, Pens! I get to travel the world and engage in Tomfoolery” and lives in Maumee, Ohio, a hamlet of 14,000 on the banks of the mighty Maumee river. The town’s biggest attraction is the interstate. I-80 and I-90 magically become one (according to the Google Maps) as it passes by Maumee.

Now @Drama419 claims to have a wife, a pair of kids and a wonderful life. A life so wonderful that he had nothing better to do on a Sunday morning than harass a college kid who just found out he lost his coach, mentor, and friend.

One can only imagine what the rest of his Sunday Funday was like. “Hey honey, round up the kids. We’re taking a cruise up to the I-80/90/475 interchange to watch all the big dreamers who are driving someplace that isn’t Maumee.”

Cut to the following Friday night.

I’m on the couch with my feet up watching the Pac-12 Championship Game between the Oregon Ducks and the Arizona Wildcats. It’s absolutely amazing how fun and relaxing college football can be when the Huskers aren’t playing.  And by fun and relaxing, I mean your heart doesn’t stop beating every time the ball is thrown in the air.

Oregon won their rematch with Arizona in a landslide and before the final whistle even finished blowing, a Twitter troll lashed out at your humble author, his friend, The University of Arizona Athletic Department and the Los Angeles Kings hockey team.

WTF, right?

A couple points to clarify in my response to @colebigby: 1) when I said Oregon is my second favorite team, the gap between the Huskers and the Ducks in my fandom (like any true Husker) is so great you’d need Matthew MacConaughey, a spaceship, and a conveniently placed wormhole in order to properly measure the distance. 2) By “watching the game with Coach Neal‘s brother” what I really meant was that we were both in our respective homes furiously texting back and forth like a pair of 12-year-old girls who just guzzled their first Frappuccinos. Lord help us if we ever figure out Snapchat.

In his defense, @colebigby was quick to own up to his mistake.

But he revealed an interesting look into the mind of a Twitter troll. What he responded to was a Twitter chat that happened two months earlier about Duck Hunt memes.

Score one for the Wildcats coming up with the Duck Hunt joke first.

And seriously, trolls. When your team wins, celebrate and enjoy the victory. If you feel compelled to tweet about it, write something nice to your team and players.

Don’t be so quick to rub your team’s victory in the faces of the losing fans that you rely on a program to help you find Twitter users to troll. But if you insist, at least make sure you’re trolling the right people.

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College Football, Huskers

Nebraska vs USC – A Holiday Bowl First Look

Fun Fact #1: From the front door of Memorial Stadium to the Holiday Bowl, the total driving distance is 1,554 miles. (Drive time: 22 hours 44 minutes.)

Fun Fact #2: From the front door of Los Angeles Memorial Colosseum to the Holiday Bowl, the total driving driving distance is 122 miles. (Drive time: 2 hours 15 minutes or 7 hours 25 minutes depending on traffic.)

Fun Fact #3: Despite the geographical disadvantage, Husker fans will still outnumber USC fans 2 to 1.

Fun Fact  #4: There will be at least 10 stories leading up to the game sharing the same theme- two fallen college football blue bloods slumming it in the Holiday Bowl.

Fun Fact #5: Who cares? It’s a chance for the Big Red to whoop up on USC.

Tommy Tojan Herbie Husker

We must admit, we were really pulling for the Huskers to end up in the Music City Bowl. The fact that we’ll be in Tennessee during the holidays was a rather major factor. Still, San Diego is a mighty fine destination even if Qualcomm Stadium, home of the Holiday Bowl, is a dump long overdue for a major overhaul.

And besides, it might be a win-win for us. Looks like the watch site of the Nashville Huskers features $12 all-you-can-eat wings on game day. Score.

In all seriousness though, Nebraska vs USC is a very intriguing match up. The game could easily be a blowout victory for either team or it could be a dogfight. It will all hinge on which squad has more pride in themselves and their program. Will the Huskers rally around interim head coach Barney Cotton and end the Bo Pelini era how it started with a victory in a meaningless bowl game? Or will USC continue its early 21st Century dominance over the Huskers?

Even with an NCAA sanction depleted roster, USC has the strength to bump off top ten teams (see Arizona) yet is flaky enough to lose to Boston College. In their crosstown rivalry match up with UCLA, the Trojans played a good first half before unraveling in the final 30 minutes. It wasn’t a Pelini-esque bed shitting but a flat out quitting on both sides of the ball marred by a series of cheap shots and personal fouls, a signature move of the Trojan defense.

Which storied program will emerge as the classiest in San Diego?

We’re going to go out on a limb and say it will be the Huskers winning 38 – 17 thanks to seniors who want to finish strong and underclassmen who realize they’re auditioning for a new coaching staff.

We’ll have much more to come.

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Huskers, Mike Riley

A Digression on In-N-Out

Nebraska’s hiring of Mike Riley and his reported love affair with In-N-Out Burgerd has raised an old puzzlement of mine. One that manifested soon after moving to Los Angeles 15 years ago.

In-N-Out. What’s the big fucking deal?

Mike Riley digs into a double-double.
Mike Riley digs into a double-double.

Now, for those of you who regularly read this blog, you probably noticed that we typically write in first person plural. In this case, I’m going singular because Big Red Fury is divided on this issue. Just wanted to be clear.

For folks who’ve never seen In-N-Out’s most popular sandwich (the Double Double — which if you ask me, should mean FOUR patties, not two) here it is.

imgres

Yep. That’s what all the fuss is about. And I say “fuss” because I just don’t get it. The same way I don’t get why “Crash” won Best Picture in 2005. It’s a patently unremarkable movie. Just as the Double Double is an unremarkable burger.

It’s not a bad burger, by any means. I ate probably a dozen of them during the ten years I lived in California. But that’s just 1.2 a year, despite having had an In-N-Out five blocks from my house for four of those years.

As I think about it, the Double Double is really the Bo Pelini of burgers. As satisfying as any 9 or 10 win season, but — gosh darn it — never rising to a level of greatness.

How’s that for irony?

But mention In-N-Out to any native Californian, whether living there now or transplanted somewhere else, and their eyes will immediately roll into the back of their heads, their jaws will dip down to their sternums, drool will spill out and they will utter in one octave lower than their usual tone of speech “Ohh God! Double Double’s soooooooo yummy!”

I guess. If you say so.

Now, initially I figured maybe because California is not in the beef belt people there aren’t use to “grade A” red meat the way we are back in Big Red country and that’s why West Coasters have gone nuts for a decidedly average hamburger. But no. Most of the Nebraska transplants I knew living in the LA basin were also gaga for double doubles. And since moving to Omaha, I’ve listened to no less than three native Nebraskans still living in Nebraska get as gooey for In-N-Out as anybody.

To each their own, obviously.

On one level, I guess I can relate, because I’ve professed my love for Runzas to non-Nebraskans before only to be met with a “what’s the big fucking deal” expression in response. And to me, if you don’t like Runzas, well then you’re just an asshole. Probably a pretentious one, too.

So far as I know, Mike Riley hasn’t given his verdict on Runzas. But I hope he likes them, because I really want to like Mike. And I can appreciate the idea of knowing the head coach’s favorite food. It makes me think of when Ronald Reagan was President and everybody knew that he liked jelly beans. The press of the 1980s was so transfixed by this tidbit that they were sure to ask Reagan’s successor, George HW Bush, what his favorite food was right off the bat. Bush 41 said, “Pork rinds.”

Somehow this was not as charming as jelly beans. And so the press never bothered to find out what Clinton’s, Bush 43’s or Obama’s favorite snacks were (although I’d bet hard money that W’s was not pretzels).

I do wonder what Mike will do now that there is not a single In-N-Out Burger joint in the entire Big 10 footprint. The nearest restaurants are in Dallas and Salt Lake City. Not exactly wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-kill-your-craving distance. But then, there are no In-N-Outs in the state of Oregon, either. So I suppose Mike probably knows how to bed his appetite back down when he needs to. But without the option of getting a fix at least on conference road trips, one has to wonder how long before the new “Most Important Man in the Entire State of Nebraska” goes stark raving crazy.

I guess he’ll have to stock up during his West Coast recruiting trips. Just as long as he doesn’t let slip Lincoln’s lack of double doubles to those In-N-Out crazy California prospects.

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College Football, Huskers

Hey Jack Gangwish, Don’t Take a Selfie With These Animals

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As the news of Mike Riley’s hiring began to sink in, we lit a candle for a rather peculiar aspect of the Bo Pelini era, the weird and wacky news and outrageous highlights that were a hallmark of his time at Nebraska.

Thankfully, defensive lineman Jack Gangwish came through with one last swan song by getting bitten by a raccoon while trying snap a selfie with the critter.

Luckily, he’s not going to have to be taken out back behind Memorial Stadium for the Old Yeller treatment.

He’s going to live. But to ensure the he (hopefully) doesn’t have a repeat incident, we put together a list of animals Jack should avoid when the urge to take a selfie strikes.

THE HONEY BADGER
honey-badgerEven if he’s just chilling, don’t even think about it. Besides, it would be so much cooler if you wait a year and take a selfie after flattening a Wisconsin Badger on the turf at Memorial Stadium. Who cares about the penalty? Think of how awesome it’d be if you dug your phone out of your jockstrap while standing over a leveled quarterback. YOU. WOULD. BE. A. LEGEND.

Do it and we’ll let you have the Rocket Raccoon mask we were given at the Guardians of the Galaxy premiere AND we’ll throw in a season pass to the Henry Doorly Zoo. (After your NCAA eligibility expires of course. This site does not dole out illegal gifts. Then again, we may have just put out a bounty on Wisconsin’s poor quarterback. Those guys are so doomed next year.)

Guardians of the Galaxy Rocket Raccoon
See Jack, we’re Raccoon selfie enthusiasts too.

CROCODILES
Steve_Irwin
Jack, do you remember Steve Irwin, aka The Crocodile Hunter? You would have been a wee 5’9″ 175lb 12-year-old when a stingray cut his life short with a million dollar shot straight to the heart when he tried to pet it while scuba diving. Steve made crocodile selfies look easy because he was Australian. If you’ve never met an Aussie, they’re all 100% crazy as evidenced by the below photo of Steve holding his infant son while feeding a crocodile. If there was one thing worse than Michael Jackson dangling his baby off a balcony, it was dangling a baby in front of a hungry crocodile in the name of entertainment.

STEVE IRWIN SPARKING OUTRAGE AS HE HOLDS BABY SON IN FRONT OF CROCODILE, QUEENSLAND ZOO, AUSTRALIA - 02 JAN 2004
Imagine the outrage if Twitter existed when this happened.

ANACONDAS
AnacondaBut if you really, really insist, have a buddy take the photo. You need to use both hands to secure the head.

WOLVES
wolves1Yes, they’re basically big, cuddly dogs and howling at the moon together would be a blast but seriously dude, if LIAM NEESONS  goes mano-a-mano with a bunch of wolves and the movie ends before you even find out if he makes it out alive (SPOILER ALERT! You should have seen The Grey three years ago.), just think about what they would do to you. Granted, you are a 6’2″ 260lb bad ass but Liam Neesons had bottle claws and a very particular set of skills. Skills he acquired over a very long career.

LIAM NEESONS

VELOCIRAPTORS RIDING GREAT WHITE SHARKS
velociraptor-riding-a-shark
This picture may be Photoshopped. It’s hard to tell. Either way, the Velociraptor could stand to take a remedial course in gun safety. Look how carelessly that Uzi is being held.

And one final thing, from this point forward, your new nickname is THE BEASTMASTER. Wear it with pride.

beastmaster_poster_02

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Welcome to Nebraska, Mike Riley. Here’s a Survival Guide.

Dear Coach Riley,

Welcome to Nebraska and the Cornhuskers. After we wrapped our head around your out-of-the-blue hiring, we must say we became very interested and excited to see what you can do for the Big Red.

Moving from Oregon to Nebraska will no doubt require a bit of readjustment on your part. To help make the transition as seamless as possible, we’ve taken the liberty of writing up a handy little Nebraska Survival Guide for you.

THE NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS – Your new team is the biggest attraction in America’s 37th state by a country mile.  Note that we didn’t qualify that statement by saying “sports attraction.” To explain just how obsessed the state is with the Big Red would require 5,000 words to barely scrape the surface. You know how bananas those hippies in Portland go for cruelty-free artisan vegan cheese? Multiply that excitement by a factor of 100 and you’re getting close to how the average Nebraskan feels about the Huskers.

Be careful with the alternate uniform thing. While we think it’s a great change of pace to see a fresh look once a year, any deviation from the classic scarlet and cream will bring out the fashion critics and staunch traditionalists. Or, you could simply order adidas to stop making borderline hideous uniforms.

MEMORIAL STADIUM – Those empty seats at Reser Stadium when the Ducks were in Corvallis last week? Not going to happen at your new home. Not even Bill Callahan could stop a sellout streak that currently stands at 340 consecutive games. When it began back in 1962, the stadium’s capacity was just a little bigger than Reser Stadium at 48,000.

Now 87,000 fans pack the joint every game day. Many will stand up the whole time, except for the people on the west side of the stadium. That’s where the blue hairs (old folks) all sit. Try not to complain about them too much. They write big checks in exchange for getting to complain about all the hip hop and yell witty things such as “Sit down. We can’t see through you.” when young and rowdy fans (anyone under 75) make the mistake of sitting among the elderly.

The student section is in the south end zone. Be cool to those kids. In fact, be really nice to them. Bring them donuts before games. The seating is general admission and the most rabid fans will sleep on the sidewalk the night before games to lock down a front row seat. They’ve got a such a good thing going with the Iron N Club right now that we’re very tempted to go back to school and deal with being the creepy old guy in class just so we can take part in the fun.

And please, try not to poop your pants the first time you do the Tunnel Walk.

TOM OSBORNETOM OSBORNE 1Do whatever you have to do to get on this man’s good side. Grease him with a Cabela’s gift card if you have to. If you can get him to vouch for you, you’ll be way ahead of the game. A few years ago he ran for governor (after several terms in Congress) and Nebraskans decided to vote for the other guy in hopes that T.O. would return to the Athletic Department. He’s also on the College Football Playoff committee though the can’t “technically” try to “influence” the voting when it comes to the Huskers.

TOMMIE FRAZIER
Tommie Frazier
Yes. That really is the quarterback who lead the Huskers to glory in the mid-90’s. He is not a player’s overly enthusiastic uncle trying to pull your leg. If he ever goes on a Twitter rampage about any standards you’re not living up to, just ask him how his coaching career went.

JASON PETER
Jason Peter
This skinny guy who looks like a Limp Bizkit enthusiast anchored the Huskers’ defensive line for all three national championship seasons in the 90’s. What can we say? Heroin is a hell of a drug. But it’s not as strong as the human spirit. Jason kicked the smack and turned his life around for the better. If you know anyone struggling with addiction, we can personally attest that his book can really be an inspiration. In the photo above, he’s “throwing the bones” the universal symbol for someone-on-the-other-team-just-got-destroyed.

When BYU comes to town to kickoff next season, call a play on their first possession that results in their quarterback being decapitated. We’re not joking. Like, the guy’s head really gets separated from the rest of his body. Yes, it’s rude and may result in having to forfeit the game but if you can pull it off, Jason will gladly do your yard work for the duration of your stay in Lincoln.

NDAMUKONG SUH
SUH
If you see this man working out in your weight room, don’t you dare accuse him of sneaking in. The damn place is named after him. Maybe you remember him from his high school days in Oregon? Even if you don’t, it’s best to let Suh have whatever he wants.

JACK HOFFMAN
Jack Hoffman
If a little dude reports for spring practice with his helmet and pads, you are not being punk’d. His name is Jack. He’s part of the team and he can motor. Maybe you’ve seen his highlight reel?

LARRY THE CABLE GUY
Larry the Cable Guy
This is the Huskers’ celebrity fan base. Good luck with that. Actually, Dan (yes, that’s his real name) is a great guy and a huge supporter. Don’t know if you saw it, but he was so excited about your arrival that he was tweeting rational, complete and fully punctuated sentences.

LINCOLN –Your new home may be five times bigger than Corvallis but don’t think you can simply disappear in the big city. Every move you make will be closely monitored and reported. Did you know Jim Tressel was spotted in Lincoln by multiple sources throughout the week and he wasn’t even in town? That’s how closely fans watch things. Even when you’re in Ohio, you’re really in Lincoln.

The best part of Lincoln for a newcomer is that the streets are laid out on a grid system. Lettered streets run east – west with “O” being the dividing line between the north and south side of town. Numbered streets go north and south. As long as you don’t travel outside of the alphabet, Lincoln is the easiest city in the world to navigate. If some kids invite you to a kegger at 16th and K, those are all the coordinates you need.

THE  NEBRASKA STATE CAPITOL- You’re not imagining things. Everyone thinks it looks like a giant penis.  Some of its popular nicknames are The Penis of the Plains, The Hard-on of The Heartland, The Meat of the Midwest, The Dick of Downtown, The Cock of the Countryside, The Phallus of the Farmland, The Schlong of The City, the list goes on… Inside the Capitol is where America’s only unicameral state legislature does its work.

YIA-YIA’S – Best pizza in town. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

THE NIGHT BEFORE LOUNGE – While the downtown location is convenient, Shaker’s is worth the drive. The last time we were at The Night Before, a dancer answered a phone call from her kid while on-stage. We are not making that up.

OMAHA – About 50 miles to the east is Nebraska’s largest city. It’s a chunk smaller than Portland. The good news for you is that neither of its big colleges have football teams, unlike that Eugene place just up the road from your old stomping grounds. UNO (aka University of No Opportunity) cut its football program and Creighton only has a basketball team to boast about. You’ll find there’s a section of fans who split their loyalty between Husker football and Creighton basketball. Never listen to a single word these people say.

If you need help with your finances, find a guy named Warren who lives there. He apparently has a knack for that sort of stuff.

BEAVER CROSSING – If you ever get homesick, there’s a little slice of home about 35 miles west of Lincoln.

2729861766_8f5bc4731d

THE MEDIA – As we said earlier, your new team is the state’s main event and as such it requires dozens of reporters to cover your every move. Thanks to an unquenchable thirst for Husker news, the journalism industry is staying alive and well in Nebraska. (At least when it comes to the Huskers.) All those people who were at your introductory press conference will be there every week. (Free sandwiches draw them in like moths to a flame.)

Here’s who you need to know-

TOM SHATEL
23
While he can seem easily confused by technology, Tom is still the gold standard for Husker beat writers. For the big-monied boosters out west who still prefer to read their news to be in print the day after it happens, his word is gospel. If you can refrain from ever passing the ball on second and 1, you’ll stay in his good graces for a longtime.

SAM McKEWON
SAM M
Sam is the most talented and consistently rational writer on the Husker beat. He could write for the New Yorker if he wanted to. He calls things how he sees them and his opinion doesn’t pendulum from week to week. If you want to blow his mind, talk movies with him sometime. Anything from Paul Thomas Anderson, the Coen Brothers or Richard Linklater would be a good starting point. If you lead with Lars von Trier, he might get suspicious.

STEVEN M. SIPPLE
LINCOLN, NEB. - 8/12/2011 - Steve Sipple ERIC GREGORY/Lincoln Journal Star
The guy at your press conference who looks like he slept in his car (he did and it’s a good story) goes by the nickname Sip. His office is two arm punts from yours so if you ever need to get some news out quick, hit him up. If you need to get some news out really quick, take him out a few times and he’ll give you his log in credentials so you can write what you want him to say yourself. In all seriousness, Sip really knows his stuff and is a solid reporter.

DIRK CHATELAIN
dirk
Dirk is like the old guy Kane from Poltergeist 2. He’ll show up on your porch with good intentions but is really just biding his time before he unleashes hell. If he looked tired at your press conference, it’s because he was up all night breaking down game film from your time with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to find tendencies in your coaching methods and demeanor that can be exploited at a later date. As the “Nebraska Sportswriter of the Year,” you need to show this man respect. He had to beat out 12 other writers to earn that title. To the “serious” Husker bloggers this man is Tyler Durden. They’ll parrot whatever he says and defend his honor to the death.

SEAN CALLAHAN
sean callahan
Sean is your nosy neighbor who chopped down a 50-year-old oak tree in his backyard so that it’s easier to keep tabs on you. His sources’, sources have sources, so good luck keeping anything under wraps.

FANS
Fans 1
Nebraska fans can be so nice that it’s alarming. They can also be so vindictive they’ll secretly record a private conversation and sit on it for a couple years before leaking it to Deadspin. In their eyes, there’s no such thing as running the ball too much or scoring too many points. Should your team ever make a bad play, make a good play ASAP.

If you continue to have your practices open to the public, don’t be surprised if they show up. All of them.

HUSKERMAX – When doomsday preppers need a break from organizing canned goods down in their bunkers, they like to chat in the Huskermax forums. Don’t ever look inside. It can be a dark and scary place that makes moon landing conspiracy theorists seem sane and rational.

I-80 – Nebraska’s mighty interstate that cuts through the middle of the state. If you ever need to test your sanity, drive the length of it some time. Even when you’re not on drugs, crossing the same river five or six times will make you feel like you’re hallucinating.

GRAVEL ROADS – You’re traveling down one of Nebraska’s many gravel roads while on the hunt for the next great lineman and you’re about to cross paths with another vehicle, what do you do?

You lift your index finger off the steering wheel as a means of saying hello and nothing more. If you don’t lift your finger, that farmer will flip a u-turn and chase you down to find out what your problem is.

TORNADOES – If sirens start wailing like the North Koreans are attacking, seek shelter in the nearest basement. They’re easy to find. All houses in Nebraska have basements.

CORN – Can’t miss it. It’s everywhere. The scientific term for the exact amount is “Holy fucking shit, there’s a lot of corn in Nebraska.”

MOUNTAINS AND TREES – Believe it or not, virtually all five of the trees you see in Nebraska were planted by hand which lead to the birth of Arbor Day. If you want to see trees and mountains like back home, drive west on I-80 seven or eight hours. Hang a left for Colorado or continue straight for Wyoming.

SUMMER – It gets so hot you’ll want to carry a spatula so you can peel your balls from your leg.

WINTER – It gets so cold your face will hurt. Like real, genuine pain. And there won’t be a snowflake in sight. The place is like a frozen desert.

SPRING – The second Tuesday in May.

FALL – The third Sunday in October.

BOOSTER’S WIVES – Stay away from them. The same goes for your defensive coordinator, especially him. Whoever that may be. (Please, please, please say Ed Orgeron.)

RUNZA – A big, beefy Twinkie and the official sandwich of Nebraska when the McRib isn’t in season. Go for the Swiss cheese and mushroom.

POP – It’s what Nebraska folk call soda. If you ask for a soda, you’ll be accused of being a Prius driving city slicker. Oh wait.

TIM MILES
TIM MILES
If you become as popular as the basketball coach, check your finger for a ring because you probably won a championship.

Best of luck, Coach and Go Big Red!

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Huskers, Mike Riley

The Best Reaction Tweets to the Mike Riley Hiring

Well, it’s safe to say no one in Husker Nation saw Mike Riley signing on to take over the Big Red.

Even Vegas would have given our off the radar candidates a better chance of ending up in Lincoln than the man who guided the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to two Grey Cups.

And the way Huskers announced the news was about as stealthy as the search itself.

Naturally, such a subtle announcement made fans burned by days of coaching rumors highly skeptical.

Still, Derek remained undeterred by this dose of logic and doubled down by saying a “news source” is better than a Twitter account- even if the people behind the account would be telling the “news sources the news.”

And if Derek trusts, the “news sources” surrounding the Huskers, he clearly wasn’t on Twitter yesterday.

Here’s your “news source”, in action Derek.

Faux Pelini couldn’t believe the news.

(If Faux would have dropped the Twitter mic right here, he would have gone out like a boss but he had to get some things off his chest before apparently peacing out for good.)

Every Day Should Be Saturday couldn’t believe the news either.

But when they did, they got on board the Mike Riley Express quick.

Quick true story that makes us kinda stoked about the Mike Riley hire: The night of the Huskers’ comeback win against Wisconsin, I got too hammed to drive home so stumbled from our watch site to the In-N-Out (a Mike Riley favorite) across the street and told a group of skaters I was buying Double Doubles for whoever could ollie over a bus stop bench. One kid could do it. Good times.

Back to the tweets.

There was disappointment.

Then a great voice of reason chimed in.

Along with some retorts.

And mildly drunken rage.

And a fond remembrance for the dearly departed.

But who has time to get sentimental when there are god damn parody twitter accounts to make?

 

 

 

 

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College Football, Huskers

7 Off the Radar Candidates for Next Huskers Coach

What have you heard about who will be the next head coach of the Huskers?

Do you believe Simone, the girl from economics class whose best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who says she saw Jim Tressel and Scott Frost spoon feeding each other ice cream down at 31 Flavors?

Or, do you believe that Steve Pederson Shawn Eichorst has an entirely different ace up his sleeve? A big fish already on the hook just waiting to be reeled in.

Who really knows?

In the meantime, while the “real media” stakes out airports around the country (can’t trust that damn flight tracker) we break down some strong off the radar options for next head coach of the Huskers.

Coach Danny O’Shea

Danny O'Shea

As the kid brother of Heisman Trophy winner Kevin O’Shea, Danny is a fairly new coach who brings a fresh perspective to the game. If the Huskers lose a lot of recruits in transition, Coach O’Shea has proven himself to be more than capable of assembling a winning team out of whatever young cast-offs may be available and is a great motivator without having to do all that nasty screaming and yelling.

The key areas of concern for Coach O’Shea are that he’s from Ohio (might be best to avoid coaches from that state for a while) and his trusted offensive coordinator may rely on a computer a little too much for the average Nebraskan’s palate. If you thought Tim Beck’s play calls were odd, then you haven’t seen the Annexation of Puerto Rico.

Coach Ed Ainsworth

Quarterback Princess

A candidate from the high school ranks, Coach Ainsworth’s program is based out of Oregon so you know some of that Scott Frost magic has had to have rubbed off on him. And get this, his most recent state championship winning team had a chick at quarterback!  Like, she was born was born that way and not one of those new fangled Gender Identity Disorder types you’d see on Portlandia. Just imagine what he could do with a dude under center. That’s right, his offense is based out of the I-formation!

Coach Jimmy McGinty

the-replacments1

If you thought T-Magic was a flake, try corralling Shane Falco. Coach McGinty brings an old-school attitude to the table without the hard-assed demeanor. Aside from being able to coach on short notice, his greatest skill is building a team. Give him a random group of scrubs from around the globe and he’ll turn them into a playoff contender.

Two random bits of Replacements trivia that will make you say whoa: The Replacements was Keanu’s second movie where he plays a former Ohio State quarterback. (If you don’t know the first, there’s no help for you.) And his job scraping barnacles off boats must have inspired Todd Marinovich because he really did that as an odd job.

Coach Venner

Coach Venner

You want a coach with out-of-the-box thinking? Coach Venner dissected the rulebook and discovered there’s nothing that says you can’t sign a Yugoslavian (try finding that country on a current map) mule capable of kicking 100 yard field goals.

Following his successful run with the California Atoms, Coach Venner’s career shifted gears and he started managing an apartment building in Santa Monica. He really seems to dig the new gig and the “talent” at Harry’s Wonder Bar might not be strong enough to lure him away from the babes he loves chasing down at his local watering hole The Regal Beagle.

Coach Sam Winters

coach-and-joe-kane-the-program

A proven winner at Eastern State University, Coach Winters’ Timberwolves are coming off an uncharacteristic 3 loss season. Couple those losses with a rash of scandals off the field and you have two big chunks of Husker fan kryptonite. On the upside, this does make the baggage of Jim Tressel’s Tattoo-Gate almost seem adorable.

Coach Harris

Coach Harris

As the head coach of the college level Atoms, Coach Harris leads a very strong program though rather curiously, not much film exists of his team in action. He’s a great motivator in the locker room but his I’m-one-of-the-guys-too leadership style may be the catalyst for his team’s penchant for distractions off the field. If Jason Peter somehow ends up on the new Husker staff, he and Coach Harris could stir up trouble like it was the mid 90’s all over again.

Coach Ed Gennero

Coach Ed Gennero

If a prolonged absence of a head coach turns the Husker football program into a pile of steaming hot garbage, Coach Gennero is just the man to extinguish the dumpster fire. The entire team quits out of loyalty to Bo? Coach Gennero doesn’t care. He’ll get Sinbad to anchor his defensive line and have everyone play ironman football.

He even has the “Jerry Kill factor” where he’s prone to ending up in the hospital on the eve of big games (always a clutch move for motivation). And that unfortunately leads to the biggest drawback of all. As much as Husker fans say they just want to be competitive, there’s no way in hell that Husker Nation would accept a coach who calls success winning ONE game in an entire season.

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Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

An Open Letter to Dirk Chatelain

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Dear Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain-

Congratulations on your success in chasing Bo Pelini out of Memorial Stadium. After several years and countless hours of compiling damning stats and crafting easy-to-digest hyperbole, your hard work has paid finally off.  A head coach kill is a most impressive notch for your fanny pack.

You earned it so don’t be shy about showing it off.

We know Pelini probably wasn’t the easiest or friendliest subject to cover but we always tried to give his gruffness both on and off the field the benefit of the doubt. When your job description entails getting young men who are essentially indentured servants to put their personal well being on the line and beat the shit out of other indentured servants, you’re bound to have a personality quirk or five.

But we’re not here to talk about Pelini’s personality, Dirk.

We’re here to talk about yours.

Dirk, if you are actually reading this, your blood is likely working its way up to a boil right now. Or, you could prove our baseless assumptions wrong and be chuckling to yourself.

Either way, please bear with us.

We’re about to drop some real talk.

In the days or weeks leading up to Shawn Eichorst naming the next head coach of the Huskers, you have a golden opportunity to go back to the drawing board and formulate a plan to get to the proverbial next level.

It’s time to stop being the Dirk who topples a program and divides a fan base with a million tiny paper cuts and become the Dirk who wields his keyboard like a motherfucking Hanzo Sword.

Dirk, if you were a professional wrestler, the honest truth is that in your current state, you’d be a mid-level heel. We spent a solid 20 minutes deep in the Wikipedia rabbit hole trying to pinpoint the perfect wrestler you most resemble but couldn’t think of one. The best we can come up with is the framework of a heel whose signature move would be sticking their opponent with a foreign object and then cowering behind the ref. The foundation is there but there’s no personality.

However, that can be fixed.

Without a shred of doubt, we know who we want you to be. We know who you should be. We know who you can be.

The Rowdy Roddy Piper of Husker journalists.

Think about the first time you ever laid eyes on Piper as a kid. You hated him, right? Hated him hard for a long time. But how do you feel about the Hot Rod today? Looking back he was really the best, wasn’t he? He was a man ahead of his time and set a bar that will never be eclipsed.

piper21
Make this man your spirit animal, Dirk.

Even if the Huskers’ new coach is a product of Weapon X fusing Vince Lombardi, Tom Osborne, Bear Bryant, and Mike Ditka into one unstoppable coaching hydra, go ahead and set the tone by firing off a Tweet to this effect when he’s announced.

“Welcome to the Huskers, (insert name of incredible new coach). You’re in my world now.”

Then go radio silent until his first press conference. Let the people wonder what happened. Let them keep checking back for more. Some will notice you dumped the Springsteen call out in your Twitter bio in favor of I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick Husker coaching ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.

Then, his welcome press conference is when you strike by delivering verbal coconuts to his dome like he’s Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

“What’s your plan for getting 11 wins, coach?”

“You really think that’s a good decision? Have you seen the players your predecessor recruited?

“How are you going to handle every person in the state, including me, telling you how to do your job every single day you’re here?”

“You’re getting paid a lot of money to win conference championships on the reg. If you don’t, will you give any of it back?”

“Hey Eichorst, what kind of Athletic Director are you if you couldn’t get (insert name of incredible new coach) to agree to a contract with a negative bonus structure?”

A press conference like that would set the tone for a new era, especially if it ended with you belt whipping the new coach with your fanny pack.

Everyone would know there’s a new Sheriff in Husker Town.

And his name is Dirk.

Your mentions on Twitter and your in-box no doubt serve as an excellent focus group. It’s clear you have several fans and many haters but you know what? They’re all reading your work.

And at the end of the day it’s all about being entertained.

Come on, Dirk. Do it.

Give the people what they didn’t know they wanted.

No more half-assed apologies when you go over the line. Move over the line and thrive in that uncharted territory.

It’s time for the humble little troll to become a fire breathing dragon.

 

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Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

An Omaha World-Herald Twitter Account Has Lost Its Mind

Think all this Husker news is too much to handle? Try being a Twitter account administered by the Omaha World-Herald.

Every time I’ve looked at Twitter today, I’ve had this uneasy feeling that I was losing my damn mind. Tweets I knew I had read were somehow back in my feed once again.

Then I realized the reason why I was seeing double is because @OWHbigred has been tweeting double.

Sometimes there are slow news days and there are news days so big you gotta tweet it twice.

 

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Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

Monday Rage: Who Woke Up Dancing on Bo Pelini’s Grave?

Welcome to day two of the post-Pelini era for the Huskers. It is currently 16 in Lincoln with cloudy skies and windchill a balmy 1 degree.

The weather couldn’t be more perfect following a break up. Gloom and bone chilling cold. Good thing no recruits are coming to town anytime soon.

Pair that with most folks having to return to the daily slog of work life following Thanksgiving weekend and you have the perfect combo for one of the shittiest Mondays of the year.

But who woke up still happy from yesterday’s news that Pelini got the ax?  Athletic Director Shawn Eichort’s early Sunday announcement gave Husker fans a solid 12 hours to blow their wads on the Facebook and the Twitter.

Could anyone really not be tuckered from talking Pelini and the Huskers?

Yeah right.

But what is a little refreshing is the “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” smugness has at least been turned down a notch.

Not that that’s a good thing.

WTF: Does this even mean, Evan? Are you saying all the meals at the training table made the Huskers bulimic?

Your days are numbered, Sean Callahan. Shayla has the rumor mill on lock down.

That’s funny. Twitter said Jim Tressel was spotted in Lincoln yesterday.

Besides, Barney Cotton is now the Huskers’ head coach.

Head Coach Barney Cotton

Clearly Jeremy has never experienced the joy of Lincoln’s cheaper-than-Mexico beer prices.

Us too brother, us too. And on a related note, has anyone else found The Secret Life of Walter Mitty to be totally unwatchable?

Cool your jets, Austin. Your zingers are lost on a spam bot.

Sometimes when you miss news or another big happening, it’s OK to not share your cluelessness with the world.

A mind blowing gem from the “classiest fans in college football.”

Maxipad bringing the Monday morning thunder!

Well played, Andrew. This was actually kinda clever.

Or, you could make a list of your favorite Husker tweeters and have a dedicated stream that is everything you want with none of the annoying filler.

Yes. Yes they did, Thomas. Crazy comebacks were a hallmark of the Pelini era.

And we thought we had it rough having to make a new banner for our site.

(For the record: These Tweets were found either searching Huskers, Bo Pelini, or Bo Pelini fired.)

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