All posts by Todd Munson

College Football, Huskers

The Big Red Fury Guide to Tipping

Welcome to the silly season of Husker football, where any news is news and the tipping habits (or lack thereof) of players can become the scandal of the week.

Husker wide receiver Brandon Reilly did the ol’ tweet n’ delete where he shared some words of wisdom for a server named Trey who apparently a little too vocal about his opinions on the current state of the Big Red for Reilly’s liking.

Brandon Reilly Tweet

Who knows? Maybe Reilly was inspired to tweet his experience based on all those click bait stories about servers getting revenge on those who leave notes on their bills like “Why should I give you 20 percent when I only give Jesus 10?”

(Plug Alert: That’s a classic line from my comic buddy Shawn Halpin. Do yourself a favor and subscribe to his YouTube channel. You’ll be glad you did.)

Anyway, Reilly does bring up a fair point (after all, Trey could have gone so far as to be reading the rantings he posted to HuskerMax aloud to the cheers of the entire restaurant)  but there are a couple things to consider:

1) When you play on the WORST Husker team since 1961, taking some lumps in public goes with the territory. If this kind of season happened on Tom Osborne’s watch, Husker players would need to drive to all the way to Kansas to ensure a spit-free dining experience at Chipotle.

2) Even if Reilly strolled in from practice still wearing his #87 jersey, would he really look all that different from any other Husker fan? Dude’s wearing a helmet every time he appears on TV so it’s not like he’d be the easiest person for Trey to pick out of a line up. And if he actually was decked out in Husker gear, and Trey saw that as green light to start talking about the Huskers, why didn’t Reilly spill the beans that he’s a key part of the offense when Tommy isn’t too busy chucking up interceptions? He could have made a fan for life and maybe even scored some free bread sticks or a complimentary dessert.

In the hopes of avoiding another Tipgate scandal in the future,  here’s a handy guide to tipping based on years of real world experience as a mildly cultured man about town.

Restaurants: ALWAYS TIP. NO MATTER WHAT. 15% should be the bare minimum but try to stretch it to 20. If the service is truly horrible, drop it down to 10.  The last time I was a member of a party that tipped less than 10%, the server proceeded to challenge all 12 of us to a fight in the parking lot and that was the least surprising part of his truly woeful service. Luckily, his manager intercepted, comped our meal, and berated his tweaker employee telling him that no matter how hard he tried, he was not going to get fired so he could stay at home and collect unemployment. Good times.

Bars: A buck a drink is the universal standard. If there’s “mixology” involved, bump it up based on the length of the bartender’s artisanal mustache. If the place is slammed, tip heavy early to speed things up for future rounds but don’t be an ass about it. If you kill an afternoon at a sports bar, toss in a few extra bucks as a small bonus to the server who spent part of their weekend babysitting you. If you happen to be at a Hooters, Twin Peaks, or Tilted Kilt, don’t encourage bad life decisions by tipping any more than usual.

Barber Shops: If you’re a dude, count your blessings that life is so easy for you when it comes to hair care. A $10 tip on simple haircut may sound excessive but consider it a small penance for not being a chick. 

Uber: Did you know Uber drivers rate their passengers the same way their passengers rate them? You don’t have to tip every ride but slide a couple bucks to your driver every few rides to keep your rating up and you’ll never have a problem getting ride at last call on a Saturday night.

Self-Serve Yogurt Shops That Charge By The Ounce: Tip the kid behind the counter a buck. Then go load up on more gummy bears and mochi as you walk out the door.

Your Millennial Friend Who Hooks You Up With Adderall And Assorted Medications That Normally Require A Prescription: Pay whatever he charges but do the hand off at a restaurant and pick up the tab.

Your Masseuse At The Thai Day Spa: $10 for an hour or under. $15 if you go for 90 minutes.  And please note that this is for a legitimate place of business, not a den of hand jobs. However, if on the very off chance you happen to blast out a week’s worth of farts while being contorted in ways you never thought possible, step it up to $20 and never make eye contact with her again.

The Homeless Guy Who Looks Like An Extra From The Walking Dead Who Offers To Watch Your Car While You Go To Some Hip Underground Club In A Sketchy Neighborhood: A couple bucks will keep him from vandalizing your car himself during an acid flashback but a crisp $5 bill will have him ready to fight to the death if another tweaker so much as looks at your car.

Dry Cleaners: Russians know how to remove suspicious blood stains better than anyone so pay accordingly.

Strip Clubs: Make it rain if you have to, get a lap dance or five if you must but try to spend as little extra money as possible. Once you cut through whatever issues that led to them being on pole patrol, you’ll find that at the heart of every dancer is a shrewd, shrewd business woman who will find a way to take all your money.

The Tow Truck Driver About To Tow Your Car Because You Foolishly Thought It Was OK To  Park At A Restaurant While You Go Spend The Next Few Hours At The Ratt Concert Across The Street: Start with $100 and work your way up to $200 if he plays hardball.

If All Else Fails And You Feel Compelled Not To Leave A Tip: At least try to be clever about it.

Brandon Reilly Tip - Fixed

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Big Ten, Huskers, Mike Riley

Ranking All Seven Husker Losses

In a rather stunning turn of events, Mike Riley’s first season season as a Husker was one for the ages, in that he led Nebraska to their worst season since 1961.

Seven soul crushing and mind boggling losses. Each and every one a special and unique snowflake of misery.  Being the gluttons for punishment that we are, we took a whack at ranking the losses from least worst, all the way down to worst, worst.

It was far from an easy task, especially losses 5 through 3, but like a YOLO Bomb to the end zone, we took our best shot.

7) Miami 36 – Nebraska 33: We opened our recap of the game like this- “Holy schnikes. Who would have predicted that Mike Riley era would have spiraled into high drama just three games into his first season?”

Boy, did that ever become a prophetic question. If we only knew just how far down into the abyss the drama would spiral. Of the Huskers’ seven losses, this was the only one that didn’t leave fans feeling like they ate a turd filled Runza (and maybe even a little hopeful about the future). After three quarters of playing like choads on both sides of the ball, the Huskers rallied from being down 23 points in the 4th to send the game into overtime. Unfortunately, a Tommy Armstrong interception and an Alex Lewis personal foul on the Huskers’ very first play all but sealed the win for the Hurricanes.

While some of the luster was taken off this loss as Miami went on to play horrible enough to finally get Al Golden fired, the Hurricanes pulled it together to finish their regular season 8-4. Way to not stop believin’, Caneshades. Enjoy your earned bowl game.

Sad Alex Lewis
Alex Lewis stews on his first headline grabbing bad decision of the season.

6) BYU 33 – Nebraska 28: Hard to believe the Huskers’ most shocking loss of the season could be so far down the list but with the Huskers finding all kinds of insane ways to snatch last second defeat from the jaws of victory, losing on a Hail Mary thrown by a red shirt freshman QB playing in his first game becomes rather trite in the grand scheme of things.

It did help Husker morale that BYU pulled off the same miracle a week later against Boise State.  Plus, with it being Nebraska’s first game of the season with a new coaching staff and new playbooks, this last second loss could be chalked up as a total fluke, right?

BYU HAIL MARY
Hey coach, do you think we should get that Hail Mary defense installed before the season opener? Nah. What are the chances?

5) Northwestern 30 – Nebraska 28:  Fresh off the heels of the Huskers’ convincing win at Minnesota, this loss was just stupefying. The Bankshirts™ were repeatedly scorched on the ground by a QB who ran slower than T-Magic with cinder block shoes and the offense held the ball for nearly 19 minutes longer, yet Northwestern was able to chew the final four minutes off the clock and kneel their way to victory thanks to a last minute unsportsmanlike penalty from Maliek Collins. Of all the Husker losses this season, Northwestern was the most coldly anti-climactic.

Clayton ThorsonNorthwestern quarterback Clayton Thorson rushed 9 times for 126 yards. With one game remaining in his season, his average per game rushing yardage is a robust 33.36.

4) Illinois 14 – Nebraska 13: Up until yesterday’s attempted touchdown pass on 4th and 1, the decision to throw on 3rd and 7 from the Illinois 27 yard line while up 13-7 with under a minute to play was the dumbest play of the Huskers’ season. As many an armchair quarterback pointed out, Tommy could have literally ran out the clock had he taken the snap and started running the wrong way like a Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson and taken a safety. Instead, he threw a pass at Devine Ozigbo’s feet. On 4th down, the Huskers tried passing one more time for good measure instead of attempting a field goal that would have put them up by two scores. Then again, finally deciding not to put the ball up into a swirling wind was probably the first good decision of the day. If you haven’t blocked this game from your memory, you may recall Tommy going 10 – 31 from 105 yards through the air.

After getting the ball back, it took Illinois all of two plays to go 65 yards to the Nebraska 7. From there, they proceeded to get five tries to score thanks to a pair of pass interference penalties on the Huskers.

If there’s room in the budget to pay a useless special teams coach nearly half a million dollars, surely enough change can be shook out of the athletic department couches to afford a stat minded egg head to provide an outside-the-box perspective in crucial situations. Heck, you’d probably even find some know-it-all bloggers who’d pay to have such a position.

nebraska illinois 2015Give a team enough chances to score and they will eventually find a way, even Illinois.

3) Wisconsin 23 – Nebraska 21: From Andy Janovich’s career defining 55 yard touchdown run to the north end zone goal post being the best defender on the field, everything finally seemed to be going the Huskers’ way- until Wisconsin got the ball back on their own 30 with 1:03 left to play.

Even with no timeouts, that was plenty of time for Joel “I’ll Never Graduate” Stave to slice through the Bankshirts™ and get the Badgers into field goal range and give Robert “I’ve Never Met a Pizza I Didn’t Like” Gaglianone a shot at redemption.  The amount of game clock that elapsed between his missed field goal and his game winner was 1:22. In that span, the Huskers also ran the ball straight up the gut three times for a grand total of five yards. Getting just a single first down would have salted the game away for Nebraska.

Robert Gaglianone
Wisconsin Kicker Robert Gaglianone breaks the hearts of Husker Nation while day dreaming about sweet, delicious ham. 

2) Iowa 28 – Nebraska 20:  This was by far the Huskers’ most definitive loss of the season. All the elements that plagued the six previous defeats were present and accounted for: erratic quarterback play, a running game that couldn’t make up its mind, key players who seemingly fell off the roster, head scratching play calling, dumb penalties, a defense with a knack for getting lit up at the absolutely worst times, and, despite all that, the game was still perfectly winnable.

While Iowa and their dozen or so fans have every reason to gloat about being 12-0, the Hawkeyes are such an unimpressive undefeated team they make the 2012 Notre Dame squad (remember them getting demolished by Alabama in the BCS Championship game?) look like the second coming of the Four Horsemen. The Huskers will never have an easier opportunity to beat a “top 5” team and they blew it.

Iowa Nebraska 2015
That trophy (whatever it’s called) is going to look awfully nice in the team trailer. Congrats, Iowa.

1)  Purdue 55 – Nebraska 45: Can you believe the Huskers’ ONLY double digit loss of the season came at the hand of a Boilermaker squad that’s currently boasting a 2-9 record heading into their annual showdown against Indiana? Since 2013, Purdue has notched exactly one other win in the Big Ten.

This was one of just four games of the season where Tommy Armstrong didn’t throw a single interception thanks to being injured and watching back home in Lincoln. In his place, Ryker Fyfe honored  him by throwing four picks along with 400 yards passing and a quartet of TDs in his first career start. This was a game where a present day Matt Turman could have showed up at kickoff and led the Huskers to a win. Instead, the Big Red put up their most baffling loss since falling 9-7 against Iowa State in 2009.

nebraska-purdue
Ryker Fyfe is about to get his uniform dirty for the first time in his Husker career.

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Big Ten, College Football, Huskers

Bye Week Field Trip: A Visit to the USS Iowa

“So, what brings you to the USS Iowa today?”

It was an innocent question but it was as loaded as one of the battleship’s massive 16 inch guns back in the day.

I smiled at the lady on the other side of the glass while I bought my brain a little time to think of a good reason. She had a level of cheery pep not seen since Jan Hooks played Tina the Alamo tour guide. Between her enthusiasm and the layout of the ticket booth giving me a flashback to that one time I went to confession, I couldn’t lie. I had to spill my guts.

“Uh… I came here to poke fun at Iowa.”

Before her brow could even furrow, I stammered on.

“Not the ship or the museum but the state of Iowa and the Iowa Hawkeyes and their fans. My college team is playing Iowa next Friday and it’s their biggest game of the season so I thought this would be something fun for my football site. Don’t worry. It will all be very tasteful and in mostly good spirits.”

“So… you’re saying you’re visiting today because of a football game?”

“Yep. Pretty much.”

“That’ll be $19.95. Would you like to sign up for our email list?”

After 11 straight weeks of Husker football Saturdays, this late season bye week threw a wrench in my usual game day routine. Luckily, I woke up with the brilliant idea to roll down to San Pedro pay a visit to the USS Iowa, which is permanently docked in the Port of Los Angeles as a floating museum, and let The Big Stick know that the Big Red plans to break some Hawkeye hearts the day after Thanksgiving.

USS IOWA 16 INCH GUN
The 16 inch guns of the USS Iowa can launch a 2,700lb projectile 23 miles. They also make a nice platform to display the grim truth that the Huskers will be notching their 6th win of the season.

Before I hit the road for the 25 mile drive down to the home of Mike Watt, I did suffer a bit of an existential crisis when it came to my personal Husker fandom.

I didn’t own a Husker flag.

Good thing a Tunnel Walk of Shame YOLO f#*kwads t-shirt from BBB Printing makes a damn fine substitute.

Tunnel Walk of ShameSomewhere, not too far off in the distance beyond YOLO f#*kwads, Taylor Martinez very well could have been showing an open house.

Along with the life preserver, the USS Iowa boasts many more fascinating details, such as a bathtub specifically installed for FDR to use during his trans Atlantic journey to the historic Tehran Conference and this amazing sign found in the galley.

IMPORTANT NOTE IN THE KITCHEN
Pretty sure this sign is directed at you, people of Iowa.

The most amazing part of the tour happened below deck in near the stern of the ship. I was looking at a model of a Tomahawk missile, or maybe it was a Harpoon, either way, a woman noticed my shirt and pointed me out to her husband who gently shook his head in anticipation of what was about to follow.

“Are you a Husker fan? From Nebraska?”

“Yeah. I’m from Grand Island but I live out here now.”

“Cozad. Live in Seattle. Chris Dishman is my brother.”

“No way! He would have played there when I was in school.”

Thus began our quick bro-down in the bowels of the USS Iowa. We went from being strangers to speaking our own language and sharing a few laughs in a matter of seconds. It was a wonderful reminder that no matter where you go in the world there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to run into a fellow Husker.

We sure as heck didn’t run into any Iowa fans.

USS IOWA GIFT SHOP
The USS Iowa gift shop is stocked with all kinds of good stuff.

USS IOWA 2
Look! Off the port side bow, it’s the mythical island of Missing Iowan Teeth.

USS IOWA PLAQUEIn all seriousness, if you have any shred of historical curiosity, the Battleship Iowa Museum is a great place to visit. As soon as I walked aboard, I kicked myself for not going sooner.  Not to play tour guide but if you’re ever out in LA, it’d be quite easy to double up and visit the ship and the space shuttle Endeavor which is just 15 miles up the 110, aka a quick 20 minute or grueling hour and a half drive away depending on traffic. 

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Big Ten, Bo Pelini, College Football, Huskers

Sunday Afternoon Hot Takes: Rutgers Edition

When the Huskers jumped out to a 21 – 0 lead over Rutgers, all was finally feeling right in Husker Nation. Our watch site that had been so tense for so many weeks finally felt like a nice, relaxing place to spend a Saturday afternoon. It was a very welcome change of pace and many laughs and assorted good times were being had.

Then Tommy Armstrong had to go and chuck up enough YOLO BOMBS to make the game a momentary nail biter.

And somewhere out there, Taylor Martinez had to smile knowing that he had taught his young Padawan so well.

All in, it was refreshing to see the Huskers mostly cruise to their first stress-free win in since playing at Minnesota nearly a month ago. Now all that’s left is to wreck to Iowa’s dream season unless the Hawkeyes don’t wreck it themselves first.

On with the hot takes…

Ex-Bo Friend Update

Bo Pelini went on a little rampage yesterday as his Youngstown State Penguins couldn’t hold a 17 point lead against North Dakota State. It was a loss that effectively ended the Penguin’s chance at the postseason. Naturally, the Omaha World-Herald couldn’t contain its glee and nearly forgot there was a Husker game to cover.

Nice of the World-Herald to use a photo from Youngstown State’s game at South Dakota as click bait for their home game against North Dakota State.

Not to even going to try to defend or justify Bo’s actions but Youngstown State did get jobbed on the pass interference call. One can only hope his latest sideline detonation is all part of his master plan to become the next pitchman for Xanax.

Some gifs just because…

Bo-and-Carl
One can only assume Carl has had counseling since the last time he stalked a sideline with his brother. He walked away like a champ.

Anrgy-Bo-1
This is exactly where Pelini reached peak rage.

Angry-Bo2
And Bo couldn’t say no to coming back for a second helping.

Our Score Prediction

Chewbacca Predicts Rutgers Score
We said Huskers 38, Rutgers 10. Totally would have nailed the 38 if it weren’t for Josh Kalu’s fumble return that was wiped off the board.

Mike Riley’s Balloon Watch

   Mike Riley Balloon Watch Rutgers
While there were few hiccups, Riley was not hungover from Michigan State.

NUMBERS TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH

2: The Huskers are now riding their first win streak of the season.

12: With his trio of INTs against Rutgers, Tommy Armstrong has already tied his total from last season with 12.  It will be interesting to see how his final stats shake up. Aside from a huge drop in rushing yardage, he’s nearly identical to 2014.

30:01/29:59: The Huskers ended the game with a two second time of possession advantage over Rutgers. Kooky.

98/90: Imani Cross followed up the signature performance of his Husker career against Michigan State by tacking on another 90 yards at Rutgers. While Cross has broken the century mark once in each of his previous three seasons, he’s never had back-to-back games with as many rushing yards.

Check this out…

2014: 109 yards against Illinois. Did not play the following week against Michigan State. In his next two games after than, he ran for 14 yards against Northwestern and 28 against Rutgers.

2013: 105 yards to open the season against Wyoming. That performance was followed up with 14 against Southern Miss and 19 against UCLA.

2012: Cross had his first 100 yard game at the expense of Idaho State but did not play the following week in the Huskers’ comeback against Wisconsin. Then at Ohio State, he rushed for 13 and followed that up with 3 and 4 against Northwestern and Michigan.

Here’s hoping Imani gets his yearly 100 yard game when Iowa comes to Lincoln.

167: How many more yards Jordan Westerkamp needs to become the Huskers’ first 1,000 yard receiver. Might be a good time for him go through the hassle of being able to order Domino’s via pizza emoji so he can start buttering up his roommate Tommy Armstrong.

If you’ve never heard, those dudes live together.

And if you’re a regular reader, there’s a good chance we used that as a closer before.

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Big Ten, College Football, Huskers

Stuck in a Rutgers. Six Sad Facts About the Scarlet Knights.

Before the Huskers head to Piscataway, New Jersey for their first ever-game at Rutgers, here are few nuggets to give you a better idea of who the Scarlet Knights are and why they are the absolute dregs of the Big Ten Conference.

1869: The year Rutgers hosted the very first intercollegiate football ever. The Queensmen, as they were called back then, bested Princeton 6 – 4. Their only other game of that inaugural season was a rematch against Princeton a week later that resulted in them getting blanked 8 – 0. Somehow with a 1 – 1 record, Rutgers had the audacity to claim a national title– their only one in 146 seasons of playing football.

Basically, Rutgers is  the Anvil of college football. While they may have helped “invent” the sport much like the greatest band you’ve probably never heard of helped influence the speed metal genre, the Scarlet Knights football program has been all but left in the dust by their peers. Luckily for both Rutgers and Anvil, their fortunes have been mostly on the upswing since 2008.

6: The number of current (at the time) Rutgers players who were arrested and dismissed from the team after being charged with a string of home invasion robberies this spring.

3: How many times Rutgers has finished a season undefeated (1876, 1961, and 1976). Curiously, they did not try claiming a national title after either of their clean sweeps during the 20th Century. In fact, the Scarlet Knights were so butt hurt about not being invited to a “prestigious” bowl in 1976 that they took their ball and went home in lieu of playing McNeese State in the first-ever Independence Bowl.

10: The number of times Rutgers has appeared in a bowl game in their previous 145 seasons. While the Scarlet Knights are on the bowl bubble this year, they’ve been on a hot streak with nine bowl bids since 2005. In fact, they played in TWO bowl games in 2008 (the International Bowl against Ball State on January 5 and the PapaJohns.com Bowl against NC State on December 29). Rutgers’ overall bowl record is 6 – 4.

52,454: The seating capacity at Rutgers’ home field, High Point Solutions Stadium. 53,774 fans squirmed inside the gates for the Scarlet Knights’ first game as a member of the Big Ten last season, which led to the Rutgers administration issuing an official apology to Penn State for the rude behavior of their fans.

rutgers-stadium-1
High Point Solutions Stadium is like a smaller, sadder version of Memorial Stadium.

rutgers-fan
A Rutgers fan celebrates his team’s entry into the Big Ten by demonstrating that sunscreen makes perfectly good body paint (as long as you have the time to hit the tanning salon).

Rutgers Fan
One can only speculate that this Rutgers fan’s nickname is R-U Going to Eat That?

Rutgers Mascot
Even the Scarlet Knight is a guido.

61,221: The number of people who have the courage to admit to being fans of the Scarlet Knights on Facebook. (For reference, the Huskers boast 597,889 fans.) This shockingly low number says two things: 1) Not as many people care about Rutgers as the Big Ten would like people to believe. 2) Maybe New Jersey residents are still all up in that MySpace.

What Rutgers fans lack in online presence they make up for it with pessimism that puts Husker Nation’s biggest negative nellies to shame.

Rutgers Facebook Fans

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Big Ten, College Football, Huskers

Sunday Evening Hot Take: Michigan State Edition

While the Huskers’ dramatic, come-from-behind win over Michigan State was one for the ages, its best highlight was that it reinforced the power and importance of maintaining a positive attitude and never quitting.

Earlier this week I found out a buddy from high school who also lives out here in Los Angeles had been in a severely life threatening motorcycle accident.

Nestled in my Facebook feed among the cat pics and the usual daily outrage from both ends of the political spectrum was a post from him letting everyone know what had happened but that he was going to be OK. Accompanying his post were some gut wrenching photos from the hospital that would make Evel Knievel cringe.

About a month ago, he left his studio and hopped on his motorcycle to run home and walk his dog over the noon hour.

He never made it.

He was struck by a Ford F-150 whose driver was on a suspended license and apparently considered stop signs to be optional. He did what he could to lessen the damage but when you’re getting creamed by a 4,000lb truck, there’s not going to be much you can do.

His bike literally exploded on impact. He broke both legs, his pelvis, his right arm, and jaw despite wearing a full face helmet. He spent two weeks in a coma and needed eight units of blood which is pretty much a full oil change. And if that wasn’t enough, he contracted pneumonia while comatose and required a tracheotomy.

But you know what?

Even though his bones are now infused with as much titanium as Wolverine has adamantium, he’s far from being down for the count.

In fact, he’s already weeks ahead of schedule with his physical therapy and I have a solid hunch that this will only be a minor detour on his path towards becoming the heir apparent to the title of Most Interesting Man in the World.

I’m not kidding either. This is just a brief rundown of the stuff he’s done: served in the Army, owned a bar on O Street, took up metal fabrication and moved to California to build bikes at West Coast Choppers before striking out on his own. In his free time, he travels around the world and recently began installing some rad guerrilla street art around LA. That’s a pretty good start, wouldn’t you say?

Not long after the news of what happened started flying around the Facebook, a plan for a visit down at the Long Beach VA Hospital was made. Thanks to some good timing (and a hall pass from the hospital staff) we ended up having mini high school reunion down in Huntington Beach. Some fellow classmates had coincidentally picked the perfect weekend to come out from Arizona and rent a beach house.

Even though some of us hadn’t seen each other in nearly 20 years, it took all of five minutes to pick up where we left off. The next few hours were spent laughing our asses off and getting mildly day drunk without of fear of getting busted by our parents. If it weren’t for the wheelchair in the room, you’d never know that anyone recently had a very near miss with death. The mood was that bright.

As it got closer to kickoff, the Huskers began to dominate the conversation. Even though we all went on our own adventures after high school, it was amazing to see how our fandom for the Big Red has never waned.

Not long after the game was underway, it was time for my road trip partner and I to return to LA so that he could celebrate his wife’s birthday.

On the drive back, I put my phone up on the dashboard and we listened to the game on the Huskers App. We hung on every word with suspense and hunched forward with our heads cocked like we were trying to hear the ocean in a conch shell. It had to be one of the more ridiculous sights on the 405 that afternoon.

I made it to our local Husker spot in the middle of the third quarter. I couldn’t miss the chance to celebrate a Husker win with the people I’ve been suffering with every Saturday.

I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t any swearing or dread (or Ohio State fan friends who moseyed over to our side of the bar just to bask in our misery) but when the Huskers got the ball back and Tommy threw that first frozen rope laser to Westerkamp, it became clear that this game was finally going to have a different ending.

And boy, did it ever.

The Huskers never quit and my friend sure won’t either.

After yesterday, they’ve both gone a long way towards getting back to their old selves.

A Couple of the Usual Sunday Things… 

Our Score Prediction: Granted things got more than a little hairy at the end but we’ve been saying for weeks that the Huskers would beat Michigan State.

Mike Riley’s Balloon Watch: Somebody got his balloon back.

Mike Riley Balloon Michigan State

Now let’s get that bowl game and wreck Iowa’s season.

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College Football, Huskers

Nuvi Don’t Lie. The Huskers’ Season is a Disaster.

Nearly every week this season, my Mondays have started with finding an email with the subject line “Sorry, man” lurking in my in-box.

Those emails come from my buddy Austen Jorgensen. You might remember his interview where we chatted about his days as a BYU linebacker and he all but predicted Cougars’ shocking win over the Huskers. (Still can’t believe he called that one.)

These days Austen works for a company called Nuvi which is a high powered social media monitoring platform used by a wide range of companies to track how their brand, new product, or movie, for example, is performing in the “social space.”

If you think it’s time to bust out the tinfoil hat, don’t sweat it. This is not NSA level stuff we’re talking about here. Nobody cares about your militia having a bake sale this weekend. However, if you recently tweeted about how much you love a new TV show or are mad at Chipotle for that pesky E. coli outbreak, someone out there knows about it.

So this leads to this Monday’s email when Austen suggested that I check to see how the Huskers’ season is looking through the eyes of Nuvi. He might have just been trolling me in an attempt to get me to wallow in the slop of quantifiable misery but it was good idea either way so I pulled some data from Nuvi and here are some of the highlights.

Or should I say depressing lowlights?

To keep things simple and to keep this site from turning into the social media version of Baseball Prospectus we’ll be comparing week one to last week’s debacle at Purdue. (Note: Click any chart to view full-size.)

HUSKERS PRESEAON MAP

Things look good for Husker Nation leading up to the season opener against BYU. Positive (green) and negative (red) sentiment is calculated based on a series of keywords. Chatter that can’t be classified is considered neutral (blue). Based on what we’re looking at, Nuvi indicates optimism is high for the 2015 season.

Here’s a slightly broader look.

HUSKER PRESEASON WEEK BEFORE

Then just a couple days later…

MIKE RILEY SUED

No, Global Thermonuclear War did not break out. This is what the it looks like when your team’s new head coach is sued for allegedly fostering an environment in which a sexual assault was allowed to happen. As you’ll see, the negative sentiment shot way up. Just as a gauge, you’d pretty much have to be the Ferguson, Missouri Police Department to run all the way in the red.

That giant red circle that wiped away most of the East Coast?  That was a tweet from Sports Illustrated that came from their NYC headquarters. The bigger the circle, the bigger the reach and impact.

MIKE RILEY SUED SI TWEET

Then, here’s what happened when the wait was finally over and the Huskers got the season started against BYU. The image below covers about an hour and a half of chatter. See if you can pinpoint when the Hail Mary occurred.

BYU HAIL MARY

And here’s a map of the post game reaction. The fire Mike Riley tweet from Lost Letterman was quite popular.

BYU POST GAME

Below is a list of the day’s big winners as far as Twitter goes. Considering how many Husker fans hung on every moment of Gabrielle Union’s visit, it’s not a shock that her twitter account received nearly twice as much attention as Sports Illustrated. I do say that it warms the cockles of my little heart to see Tunnel Walk of Shame was the most viral.

BYU POST GAME 2

Now, let’s skip ahead  a couple months and five frustrating losses later to examine the current landscape for Husker Nation.

This is what it looked as the Huskers lost to Purdue. 55% negativity is this season’s all-time peak of despair. (So far.) Compared to the season opener, the reach of the chatter is over 10 times higher. Why? Because the big outlets had plenty of time to tweet throughout the game as the Boilermaker beat down reached its inevitable conclusion. Lucky for the Husker brand, not may people shared this news as the “spread” was more than 3 times lower than the jaw dropping ending to the BYU game.

HUSKERS LOSE TO PURDUE

At least the mood quickly dissipated as Husker fans suddenly became too drunk to tweet.

ESPN TWEET AFTER PURDUE

Here’s the day as a whole.

PURDUE OVERVIEW

And here’s the build up and fallout of the Huskers’ worst loss since that time they were beaten by Hawaii before Hawaii was even a state.

Darren Rovell
Darren Rovell dropped some major shade even by his standards. The only thing that kept him from a clean sweep were the thumbs of God.

PURDUE POST GAME TWEETS

What’s most telling about this list is how the volume of chatter about the Huskers has dwindled and what remains shows this latest loss has become a national story.

Or dare I say national laughing stock?

Here’s hoping things turn around tomorrow and beating Michigan State makes Nebraska run green with joy.

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Shawn Eichorst’s Letter to Fans Annotated

Early today Shawn Eichorst sent out a letter to Husker Nation, thanking the Big Red faithful for their unwavering support during a season which is shaping up to be the worst since the Eishenhower administration.

While Eichorst’s letter is certainly welcome and noble in spirit, it does fly in the face of his previously established policy of not commenting on a coach’s performance during the season.

Or does that policy fly out the door when his job is suddenly on the line too?

Below is Eichorst’s letter in-full. Our notes are in parenthesis.

Dear Husker Family,

Good morning. (What a relief to arrive at work and still have a job.) 


I want to express my sincere appreciation to every Husker fan who has come to Memorial Stadium this season to cheer on the Big Red; who has traveled hundreds or thousands of miles to proudly wear the red and white (Dude! SCARLET AND CREAM) in visiting stadiums; (What? No mention of the hundreds or thousands of dollars fans have spent?) and who has passionately supported our student-athletes, our head coach, our assistant coaches and staff. Your support and patience (Thank you for not egging our homes or slashing our tires.)  as Mike Riley rebuilds our storied program one brick at a time mean (Typo alert!) the world to our young men, our staff and our university.

While many are understandably disappointed in the current record of the football team and the heartbreakingly close losses we have suffered (UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR), I am confident the future is bright (Bright enough to have to wear shades?) because I see it in the eyes of our players, coaches and staff and I am impressed by what I know is going on behind the scenes. (Maybe you could fill us in on the details?) Our coaches are developing our student-athletes and, though the consistent victories are not there yet, I am confident they will come. I have witnessed how our young men battle every day in practice and fight to the finish on game days in the face of great adversity. Football can be a humbling game of inches (That goal post can’t block every field goal against Wisconsin.) and seconds (It doesn’t help that poor play calling is giving the opposition as many seconds as possible.) and our players have laid everything on the line while making no excuses. (Pretty sure there have been at least a couple.) The prospective student-athletes looking to make Nebraska home possess athletic talent, academic potential, and high character making for a bright future. (OK, now you’re getting repetitive.) Coach Riley has a vision and a plan and is committed to providing the Husker faithful with a sustained winner which will compete (That’s an awfully broad word, bro. I can technically say I competed against the Ethiopian Armada that time I ran the LA Marathon.) annually for championships. (As much fun as it is, the $5 Bits o’ Broken Chair Trophy doesn’t really count.)

As I have said many times, it is an honor and privilege to represent Nebraska, (Keep talking, Wisconsin native.) and I am humbled and care deeply about the men and women I have a chance to work with every day here. The incredible amount of hours they put in and the sacrifices they all make to represent Nebraska are truly remarkable. (Tell me about it. I wake up early on Saturdays to watch this train wreck.) In two decades as a student-athlete and athletics administrator, I have had the opportunity to learn and work alongside some incredible people at five different institutions. (What a GREAT tidbit to add the next time you update your LinkedIn.) What the best administrators and coaches have in common is a consistent commitment to teaching young minds to do things the right way and to instill a values system that emphasizes hard work, discipline, loyalty, teamwork, compassion and excellence. (You forgot the part about buying motivational books in airports.) Those principles coupled with a positive attitude generally (Picked a good time to throw in a qualifier.) result in championships.

Your continued support (Money.) is what makes Nebraska special and together, we will do great things. (And I won’t have to look for a new job.) Thank you again for your incredible passion and support. (You people really have no other hobbies, do you?) We look forward to another home sellout and an electric environment on Saturday as we come together to cheer on our team against Michigan State.

Have a great week and Go Big Red!

Shawn Eichorst
(Way to try and sneak under the radar by not reminding us of your title.)

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College Football, Huskers

Monday Morning Rage: Who Woke Up Angry About Purdue?

Normally, the Monday following a Husker loss is a hotbed of rage and hot takes on the Twitter but today the pickings are awfully dang slim.

Have Husker thumbs grown weary and no longer have the power to vent their anger in 140 characters or less or are the majority of fans still wiped out from the Royals winning the World Series?

That was quite the game, huh?

Maybe she wasn’t so much a Husker fan as she was distraught that she couldn’t get an Uber Kitten delivery on National Cat Day. Don’t know anyone who actually got the kitten delivery to work. So much hype. So few kittens.

Did anyone else get the final of the Packers game spoiled in extra innings when Joe Buck came back from break and announced the outcome?  (Notice how that was a spoiler-free question?)

Good plan. Oh, and does anyone know what movie the GIF is from? It’s driving me bananas.

You’re dang right. After Saturday’s game, I accepted my fate and wore my Husker shirt proudly like the scarlet letter that it has become. It was hours before I made it back home after the game and not a single person said a word to me about the Huskers. Even back to just last year, a Husker loss would mean a hug and some encouraging words from at least one stranger if I repped the Big Red in public following a loss.

Brilliant Twitter handle, Mr. Freedom.

I had to do a double take on this one. Very clever swapping the ‘w’ for a ‘u’ and I’m surprised Mr. E or anyone within the Athletic Department didn’t lock down such a close misspelling. If that account gets more than its current three followers, it might get shut down.

Seriously? WTF happened here? Is it time to break out a tinfoil hat if Husker conspiracies are afoot?

And finally, just because it’s Monday.

I hope David thanks the Bankshirts for making his award winning performance possible.

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Big Ten, College Football, Huskers

Sunday Morning Hot Takes: Purdue Edition

As Purdue closed out the third quarter by scoring their third unanswered touchdown to go up 42 – 16 , this Huskers’ season reached a turning point.

If you stuck it out to the end to see the Big Red almost steal a victory with a 29 point fourth quarter, congratulations. You are not afraid to go down with the ship.

Yesterday’s game was 3 hours and 45 minutes of gallows humor at its finest. If there was a scene in Titanic where some rapscallions from steerage said F-it and broke into the liquor storage instead of trying to escape,  that would have been the prefect summation of what it was like to watch this game in an empty bar where the staff outnumbered us Husker faithful who showed up for our weekly gut punch. (And no, the scene with the Brandy sipping Guggenheim does not count. He was far too classy.)

Hats off to Ryker Fyke. Dude played his ass off and made up for running game that didn’t make the trip to Indiana by throwing for over 400 yards and leading the Huskers to 45 points but with the Bankshirts getting torched worse than Thích Quảng Đức, his heroic effort was all for naught.

At the rate things have gone so far this season, it honestly won’t be surprising if the Huskers somehow end up rolling Michigan State next Saturday. 

On to the assorted random stuff!

Headlines if the New York Post covered Husker football

Huskers step in big pile of Purdue-do

The Huskers’ Season is Pur-done

Purdue or do not. There is no try. (The Huskers did not try.)

Boilermakers run a train on the Huskers

Mike Purrriley Won’t Be Purring Over Losing to Purdue.

Our Score Prediction

Purdue Score Prediction
Left the house dressed like a champion and couldn’t have been farther off-base with the final score. Get your own “Gamer Tee” at Nebraska Red Zone.

Mike Riley’s Balloon Watch: We have reached DEFCON 1.

Thermonuclear Balloon

Sam Mckewon: Throws absolute hot fire in his post game video. It is a performance for the ages and is a must watch.

Oddest Paragraph In Dirk’s Post Game Column About a Road Trip From Hell: Suddenly it’s 2:30, your iPhone is dead, your wife forgot hers and the baby is waking up. Another turn. Wrong. Another turn. Wrong. 

Uh… Dirk, not keeping a phone charger in your car is just bad planning. You can get one for $8.99 and extra lightning cables are just $5.99. C’mon, buddy. You’re better than that.

And this leads to…

Important Piece of Life Advice #1: Even though you’ve been invited to a friend’s annual Halloween party for five years running, always take a moment to actually read the Evite to save yourself and your lovely wife the hassle and embarrassment of getting all dressed up, slogging through traffic for an hour, only to arrive in beautiful downtown Burbank to discover that the party happened the night before, on Halloween Eve. Lucky for us, it wasn’t a total surprise to our friends that I would pull such a move and they invited us in help them put a dent in the leftover party fare which included scarfing down a container of Jell-O shots.

Important Piece of Life Advice #2: Don’t skip dinner and hope that whatever nutrients are found in a container of Jell-O shots will be an appropriate substitute.

NUMBERS TO DEPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH

31,351: The announced attendance at Ross-Ade Stadium which holds 62,500.  Yeah, right. Check out all the empty seats.

55: This was Purdue’s highest point total since they took down Indiana State 56-35 back in 2012. The last time the Boilermakers hung 60 or more points on a team was when they put up 62 against Indiana in 2008.

50: Back in the 1994 Matt Turman game, the Huskers ran the ball 50 times for 168 yards against Kansas State and three-yard-and-a-cloud-of-dusted their way to a 17-6 win on the road. Yesterday, the Huskers ran 22 times for 78 yards with Andy Janovich accounting for all of 2 yards on a pair goal line carries. This was the first time the Huskers have been held to under 100 yards rushing this season.

10: Purdue’s ten point margin of victory was the largest for any of the Huskers’ opponents this season. The next closest was BYU and a Hail Mary that led to a five point blowout. With Purdue’s win factored in, the Huskers’ average margin of defeat has ballooned to  3.83 points.

Even with the annual blowout or two factored in, the last four seasons under Bo Pelini, the Huskers’ average margin of defeat was 11.75 (2014), 16.25 (2013), 21 (2012), 19.75 (2011).

6: The number of Los Angeles fans who had the courage to step out into public to cheer-on the Huskers at our local watch site. We nearly cracked double digits when a UNL professor in town for a visit arrived with her son and daughter-in-law. She teaches leadership at Husker U. and had some great insights about how much work it really is to change the culture of a team but she still doesn’t like to see the Huskers losing how they are.

Husker Fans
Back when the season was still full of hope, this place was standing room only.

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