It certainly didn’t take long for Scott L. Davis, the criminal mastermind “alleged” to have robbed the home and vehicle of Jordan Foltz, to be apprehended by the long arm of the York County Sheriff’s Department.

As you may have already guessed, the quotation marks around alleged up above are fully sarcastic because what is known about Mr. Davis so far does not paint the picture of a man who would ever be described as the sharpest knife in a drawer, even if he was the only knife in the drawer.

Let’s break it all down, shall we?

According to a rough timeline of events published by the Omaha World-Herald, Davis was pulled over in York County sometime between midnight and 1am Sunday morning on suspicion of driving under the influence.

Jordan Foltz  would discover that he had been robbed when he arrived back home in Greeley around 3am.

Based on Google Maps, it’s about an hour and 45 minutes from York to Greeley so Jordan and Davis didn’t miss each other by much and they very well could have crossed paths.

Going back to Davis, here’s how we know his day went down.

At around 5pm back in Greeley (population 466), a resident noticed a green Buick Regal pulling out of the Foltz driveway.

I mean, if you’re going to burglarize a place, shouldn’t you at least wait until after the sun goes down? And maybe even park your getaway car around the block instead of in the driveway, where it’s out in plain sight for all of Foltz’s neighbors to see?

But then again, I’m not a criminal mastermind like Davis. Striking under the cover of darkness is clearly for amateurs. The pro-move is to do it in the middle of the day because if you don’t act suspicious, you’re not going to look suspicious.

Except for that part where you’re a stranger with a strange car (without license plates) entering a house in a town where everyone knows each other and everyone knows the people who live in that house are out of town.

Nope. Wouldn’t raise any red flags at all.

A few hours pass. Maybe Davis spent some quality time with his girlfriend and her Greeley family?

Or maybe they hit the road immediately after the big heist but were lured off the highway by Nitecrawlers Bar in scenic Worms, NE and pounded a few pitchers of victory beers?

Because how else are you going to explain getting so blasted that you can’t drive in a straight line on the straightest stretch of Interstate in the known universe?

All you have to do is set the cruise control at 65mph, make sure your headlights are on and keep the front end pointed away from the corn. It is not that difficult.

But apparently it was a task far too formidable for Davis to handle.

The blue line shows the route from Davis’ listed residence of Lennox, SD to Greeley. The red line shows how far he made it before he got busted.

The greatest irony all when it comes to Davis getting popped for a DUI in York County is that he had been cited for the exact same offense in York County when he was an 18-year-old back in 1997.

What he was doing in Nebraska back then, who knows?

But now, nearly 20 years later, he found himself in the same place. There he was. Swerving down the open road in his Buick Regal (again, no license plates, not at all suspicious to cops), his girlfriend at his side and a carload of stolen treasures that included a gas can with the name Foltz inscribed upon it.

Not to get too deep into the psychology of the criminally inept but what do you think the chances are that Davis regaled his girlfriend with the story of his 1997 arrest while they approached York County in his 1998 Regal?

I’d say pretty good.

A man can learn a lot after being out in the world for 20 years. The school of life is a wonderful teacher.

Then again, a man can prove that he has learned absolutely nothing by getting pinched for the exact same charge in the exact same spot decades later.

Scott L. Davis has only been in our lives for barely a day and I am so fascinated by him. His sliver of life that we’ve been privy to is like the best worst episode of COPS ever.

In fact, his life is so tragic on a small depressing scale that you can almost see his recent crime spree playing out as a grandiose fantasy in which he’s Robert De Niro in Heat and York County is his Waingro.

Like De Niro, Davis was so close to pulling it off and making a clean getaway but ego got the best of him and he had get his revenge on York County by buzzing that big hot air balloon looking water tower completely shit-faced.

I’ve never read the criminal handbook but I assume the title for chapter one is: “Don’t Get Caught.”

And the title for chapter two is probably: “Don’t Get Caught Committing a Crime That’s Unrelated to the Crime You’re Currently Committing.”

It takes a special kind of genius to get caught the way Davis did. In fact, you could say it takes the kind of genius who once nearly cut off his own finger and shared their gaping wound on Facebook.

If you want to see the uncensored version, you can visit Davis’ Facebook page but he probably won’t be able to respond to any friend requests for the next few years.

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