Monthly Archives: September 2015

College Football, Huskers

Dirkonomics: The Evolution of How Tickets Are Sold

Hey, man. You still driving in to Houston in the morning to get those Aerosmith tickets? – Randall Pink Floyd, Dazed and Confused.

What can really be said? Another week, another gem from Dirk Chatelain that just has to include a swipe at the Huskers. In what was an otherwise tightly crafted look into the dying breed known as the ticket scalper, Dirk takes Joey from Kansas City’s assessment that Husker ticket sales are slumping because in 2015 Joey from Kansas City is having trouble selling tickets while standing on a bridge outside Memorial Stadium.

Dirk, low demand is when a top ten team resorts to selling tickets for half price via a discount site over a month before their season opener.

USC GOLDSTAR79,809 people turned out for USC’s season opener against Arkansas State. LA Memorial Coliseum has a capacity of 93,607.

Before we dive in to today’s little history lesson, let’s take a closer look at how Joey from Kansas City spent his game day that “made” him $800 in a few short hours. To get to and from Memorial Stadium he had to incur the time and expense of driving three hours each way. Factoring that overhead, his hourly rate could still potentially be in the $75 range but then you also have to consider that he probably didn’t work much during the week. As Dirk noted, Joey from Kansas City has been scalping Husker tickets since the 80s so he probably isn’t one for holding down a regular job.

Here’s the deal: In 2015, if your best option for purchasing a ticket to an event is by conducting business with a borderline low level criminal hanging around outside of said event, you either can’t plan your way out of a paper bag or actually attending the event isn’t really all that high on your list of your day’s priorities. There are no other reasons why you should be buying a ticket from a scalper on the street.

The Evolution of How Tickets Are Sold

July 1996: The History of Rock is offered as a class at UNL for the first time over the summer. My roommate and I threw our GPAs to the wind and signed up. Much to our delight, extra credit could be earned by attending concerts so we decided to go see KISS blow the roof off Kemper Arena down in Kansas City. Our search for tickets started and ended by browsing the classified ads in the Lincoln Journal Star. Lucky for us, a pair of tickets was up for sale. Turns out a dude won tickets AND a seat on The Blaze (on 106.3 back then) party bus and no longer needed his tickets. He told us all about it as he kept us trapped in his basement apartment that was filled with snakes.

Dirk Logic: Newspaper advertising revenue has fallen off a cliff in the 21st century. Therefore, people must have stopped exchanging goods and services.
Newspaper Advertising Revenue

October 1996: KISS (to the surprise of no one who knows that money is Gene Simmons’ favorite thing in the world) adds more dates to their reunion tour including a stop in Omaha. I stand in a line for Ticketmaster for two hours that stretched from the front door of the Homer’s Music at 14th & O all the way down the block and around the corner past the Walgreen’s at 13th street. Back in 1996, there were nearly as many record stores in downtown Lincoln as there were bagel shops, keep in mind there was one block in downtown that had FOUR bagel shops.

Dirk Logic: The once mighty Homer’s franchise is down to a single location found in Omaha’s Old Market. Therefore, people must have stopped purchasing music.

April 13, 2005: The day after Opening Day at Dodger Stadium. I take the girl I’m seeing to our first Dodger game together and introduce her to the shady underworld of parking lot ticket sales. After some cunning haggling that could hang in the Burrabazar and playing the army of scalpers off each other (and missing the top of the first) I score a pair of seats behind home plate for only $40 each, which at the time was probably 90% of my net worth.

Dirk Logic: An entire army of scalpers? Dodger tickets must be the hottest ticket in town! (For the record, the 2005 Dodgers had their second worst season in their history as the LA Dodgers.)

March 30, 2013: After getting my childhood kicked in the nuts by subjecting myself to watching GI Joe: Retaliation, I realize I still have two hours worth of free parking to burn so I hike a block from the theater over to Staples Center to see if I can score a ticket to the Elite Eight game between Wichita State and Ohio State that tipped off right as the movie ended. Within a minute of trying, I exchange the $18 (a fair price to watch Ohio State lose in any sport) that was in my pocket for a nosebleed seat with a face value of $90. Immediately after the close of my sale, a frantic Ohio State fan ran up and said she’d pay $50 for anything that would get her in the door. I felt so bad at her lack of haggling skills, that I used some of the money I “saved” to buy her a beer since her seat ended up being next to mine.

Dirk Logic: March Madness has clearly lost its luster and should be canceled.

August 2014: Sir Paul McCartney is playing his first concert at Dodger Stadium since the Beatles played their second-to-last concert there back in 1964. Somehow or another, I got an email for an “exclusive pre-sale.” I bought a pair of tickets plus an extra pair to flip on Stub Hub. Within 24 hours they were gone and I had finagled going to see Sir Paul for free.

Dirk Logic: If it ain’t The Boss who cares?

December 13, 2014: Our tickets to the Dodgers’ Opening Day game against the San Diego Padres on 4/6/15 sell for $299.99, netting $269.99 after StubHub’s cut. With our season tickets running $16 each (face value $43) that means we notched a 743.72% mark up and some lucky duck got Opening Day tickets for Christmas.

Dirk Logic: Dodger Opening Day tickets are more valuable than shares of Berkshire Hathaway and Apple COMBINED.

June 2015: The girl from 2005 who has now been my wife for five years and I are walking into Dodger Stadium when one of the few remaining scalpers asks us if we need tickets. After telling him we’re good, he replies “Man, whatever happened to couples needing tickets? You people just plan to much these days.”

Dirk Logic: Wait a minute… if the army of ticket scalpers at Dodger Stadium has all but disbanded, how can tickets really be in-demand? This makes no sense.  (The Dodgers have led MLB in attendance since the 2013 season, averaging over 46,000 people per game.)

September 5, 2015: Last Sunday morning while getting a latte at my local coffee shop, I asked the barista, who I’ve seen at least three times a week for the last decade, if he’d like to use our Dodger tickets sometime before the season ends. In the amount of time that it took for him to concoct my beverage, we sorted out a date that worked and I texted him a pair of tickets.

Dirk Logic: What is this voodoo magic?

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Sunday Morning Hot Takes: South Alabama Edition

So that’s what a Mike Riley rushing attack looks like, eh? The Huskers racked up 258 yards on ground en route to rolling South Alabama 48 – 9 and we rounded up some hot takes.

Let’s get to ’em.

Our prediction:

Hey, we weren’t too far off…

THIS WAS THE PERFECT REBOUND GAME: The Huskers came out playing good ol’ smashmouth football. It was a glorious sight to see that had to have the blue hairs peeling off their oxygen masks to breathe a collective sigh of relief. The loss against BYU seemed to stick in the Huskers’ craw and as long is they didn’t vent all their frustrations on South Alabama, they should be in a good spot for next week’s dance with the Miami Hurricanes. They’ve proved they can run with a solid team out of the gate in BYU, they’ve been punched in the mouth (thanks, BYU) and now, most of the kinks have been ironed out on both sides of the ball. We should get our first real glimpse of this team’s potential next week.

MIKE RILEY: Did you see him sharing a laugh with an official? The fact that he was wearing a grey hoodie and khakis made the scene even more surreal. Could that have been next level trolling?

TOMMY ARMSTRONG:

Another week, another killer block by Nebraska’s QB. Tommy went 21 for 30 (67%) for 270 yards and a pair of touchdowns. To the best of my recollection, he only threw one WTF pass, an absolute slingshot that missed its wide open target by a good ten yards. Tommy only rushed twice for a grand total of four yards. His lack of rushing was probably an intentional plan to keep him safe but his wheels could be a difference maker next Saturday.

TERRELL NEWBY: More like Terrell Salty Veteran, am I right? 28 carries, 198 yards, 3 TDs. Not too shabby of a way to finally get that long awaited breakout game for the junior from Los Angeles. After the first two games of the season, Newby stands at 231 yards rushing. His freshman and sophomore seasons were virtually identical with him rushing for 298 and 297 yards respectively. Will one semi-redonkulous game be enough of a swagger boost before heading down to Miami?

JAMAL TURNER: After his incomplete pass, he didn’t make an appearance until it was the Fyfe Show. Is the ninth year senior sliding down the depth chart?

30/32: The Huskers’ longest passing and rushing plays on the night. While a slight bump up  from last week, the offense isn’t exactly becoming The Langsdorf Explosion.

THE BLACKSHIRTS: Nate Gerry stretched his interception streak to two games. There were a couple sacks, a beastly forced fumble when South Alabama was backed up against their own end zone, and defense came up Millhouse when South Alabama kept going for it on fourth down. Now, if only they could only work on that whole getting-torched-on-the-deep-ball thing. That could pose trouble next week against Miami. That fool at they have a QB can chuck it, remember?

ROOT FOR BYU: Tanner Mangum pulled ANOTHER miracle out of his behind against Boise State, chuckling a wobbly duck for a touchdown on fourth and long with under a minute to play and down three. The Cougars then iced the game with a pick six on Boise State’s first play on the ensuing drive to put the final score at 35 – 24. The Coug’s next two games are on the road against UCLA and Michigan. If they keep running the table, it will make the Huskers’ loss look (and maybe feel) a little less worse.

EX-BOFRIEND UPDATE: Like Mike, Bo notched his first win tonight in an overtime victory against Robert Morris. You’d think the Penguins could have won in regulation considering they were playing against one lone dude. Hope Mr. Morris recovers quickly.

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College Football, Huskers

Get pumped up Husker Nation — We’re playing Alabama Tonight!

For those of you who like omens when it comes to predicting the outcomes of future football games — how’s this for Nebraska’s impending epic showdown with Alabama on Saturday:

The last time the Crimson Tide came to Lincoln, it was a crisp September day, the second game of the season, Nebraska was 0-1 and unranked in the polls — and it was a year in which a Star Wars movie premiered in theaters.

September 17, 1977.

BAMAbernsRick Berns racked up 128 yards on 23 carries the last time Alabama rolled into Lincoln.

Low and behold, what’s in store for this year’s match up with Bama?

Crisp September day — check! Second game of the season — check! Nebraska is 0-1 and unranked in the polls — check! And Star Wars, Episode Abrams hits theaters this December — check!

What happened when the same ingredients were thrown into the mix back in 1977?

The hapless Huskers took down the mighty Alabama Crimson Tide 31-24 in what was then described as the “most colorful and emotional effort of the Tom Osborne era.” It would be the only time Bear Bryant would be beaten that season.

So, fasten your seat belts and get ready for a little case of history repeating itself. Bama is going DOWN!

Okay, okay… Enough shenanigans. The boys from Tuscaloosa aren’t heading to Lincoln this year or any year currently scheduled. Instead we’re getting a group of guys from Mobile, most of whom would never make the three deep on their in-state blue-blood to the North’s loaded roster.

But is that any reason not to get fired up all the same?

After the heart-attack inducing final second of the BYU game, maybe the tailgaters in downtown Lincoln could use a bit of a relaxer. A situation in which something resembling a football game takes place, but the outcome of the contest is never in doubt.

Enter, the (South) Alabama Jaguars.

Vegas puts Nebraska as a 27-point favorite. I’m thinking, take the Huskers and the points. Riley and company will look to make a statement Saturday night— the rust is gone. The inconsistencies that allowed BYU to own the second quarter (while Nebraska owned pretty much everything else) have been worked out of the system. And you will see a precision machine ready to combine the remainder of the unharvested schedule.

For casual observers of the game, this sort of match-up tends to be boring. My wife asks, “Who wants to watch a fifty-point blowout, anyway?”

The answer, always, is, “Me.”

Several years ago when the Huskers were still in the Big 12, I was watching Nebraska vs. Colorado at the In-Laws’ house. My wife’s stepbrother, Mike, was there. A rabid Husker fan who, for the fun of it, resides in Boulder just on the principal of keeping your enemies closer.

Nebraska, beating the Buffs by three scores late in the game, drove deep into CU territory when they get stopped on a third and short. My wife’s stepbrother leapt into the air and shouted, “God damn it!”

The Huskers kicked a field goal to pad their lead, but Mike was still fuming. He wouldn’t let go of the idea that Nebraska blew a chance to tack on another touchdown.

My wife looked at me, rolling her eyes. I knew what she was thinking — Nebraska’s got the game won. What’s the big deal?

Well, the big deal was something that Mike and I both knew. Nebraska wasn’t merely playing Colorado (who, by this time had been driven by Dan Hawkins to the conference cellar). Nebraska was competing against the hypothetical performances of other upper-tier football teams were they to also play the Buffs. So beating Colorado by three touchdowns isn’t sufficient if you can imagine Ohio State, Alabama, or Oregon beating them by five or six.

This was a concept well established by the time I started following the Huskers in the 1980s. Hammering Utah State 63-13 the second game into the 1988 season wasn’t a mere act of inhospitality. It was a necessity. Because you just knew that if Oklahoma or Florida State were wailing on the Aggies that day, they’d be doing it by at least as much. Utah State was not so much an opponent, but a gauge. A way to judge whether or not the Huskers looked capable of toppling a big dog.

Bill Bryson, the well known travel-writer/humorist once described attending a Husker game as Nebraska leading their outmatched opponent by six touchdowns, while the obnoxious throng in the stands brayed for more.

Bryson obviously doesn’t get it. He comes from a world in which 17-point wins over the likes of Illinois State are no cause for concern. That world is called Iowa.

But, for fans west of the Missouri River, we know better.

When (South) Alabama falls five or six touchdowns behind the Huskers on Saturday, that’s when the collective nerves at Memorial Stadium will first be soothed. Because Alabama will actually be down on the turf, too. Facing off against the Jaguars, superimposed over the Scarlet and Cream.

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College Football, Huskers

Ten Things to Know About The South Alabama Jaguars

10. 1963 – The year the University of South Alabama (USA, USA, USA) was established.

9. 2009 – The inaugural season for the South Alabama Jaguars football team. They finished 7-0, playing a slate of home games against military prep academies.

8. 2014 – The first season South Alabama qualified for a bowl game. They posted a 6 – 7 regular season record (5 – 3 in the Sun Belt Conference, good enough for 6th place) and faced Bowling Green in the Camellia Bowl, which turned out to have a wild finish. The Falcons had to fight off a 4th quarter rally by the Jaguars before locking up a 33 – 28 victory.

Joey Jones got kicked in the face at the Camellia Bowl and kept on coachin’.

7. 6 years – If you’re too lazy to do the math or make the connection between the previous two facts, South Alabama went from absolute zero to a bowl game by its sixth season which pretty much means that Jaguars coach Joey Jones is like the ultimate Tim Miles but instead of inheriting a mid-level team and a sweet new arena,  he built his program from flippin’ scratch.

6. $60 – Three Andrew Jacksons will get you a SEASON TICKET in the end zone at Ladd-Peebles Stadium for South Alabama’s entire home schedule. You may have seen Ladd-Peebles Stadium in the news recently when Donald Trump held a rally there resulting in this glorious, glorious photo.

Crazy Lady at Trump Rally

5. Number 5 – While South Alabama might not be long on tradition, the tradition of who wears number 5 is one that any football fan can respect. Each year, Coach Jones selects a senior to wear number 5 in memory of running back Anthony Mostella who died in a motorcycle accident at age 22 in 2010. This year’s number 5 is running back Terrance Timmons, a 5’7″ 180lb speedster who broke off a 49 yard run last week against Gardner-Webb.

4. 17,444 – The average attendance for a Jaguars home game last season including a season high 38,129 who turned up when South Alabama hosted Mississippi State (who was unranked at the time.) And while we’re here, we might as well point out that the largest crown South Alabama ever played in front of was 87,266 on the road against Tennessee in 2013.

3. Xavier Johnson – The redshirt sophomore running back could very well be South Alabama’s X-Factor (zing!) this season. Last week he made the most of Joey Jones’ game time decision to name him starter. He broke off a school record 92 yard touchdown run and added a 56 yard touchdown run for good measure.

2. Spread offense – Depending on who you believe, South Alabama’s spread offense could give Mark Banker’s Blackshirts a hard time or be right in his wheelhouse.

1. One – As in the number of starters the Jaguars return on defense. South Alabama operates out of a 4-2-5 base defense (what TCU runs) which can be help level the field for inexperienced defensive units. If the Huskers want to get their running game figured out, the Jaguars could provide a great test.

 

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Why the Huskers’ Loss Can Be a Good Thing

“I love winning. It’s like better than losing. You know what I’m sayin?”
– Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh.

Half a week later, the sting of the BYU’s Hail Mary (or Hail Joseph Smith) still reverberates down the spine of any Husker fan. It is a loss that can’t be forgotten soon enough but it’s one that won’t be.

The last time the Huskers dropped a season opener at home, most of the team was still a good ten years away from being born. And if you want to feel even older, many of the player’s parents were still kids themselves  back in 1985.

Exactly 60 minutes into the first game of the Mike Riley era, one of the two last great Husker streaks was broken so quickly that it didn’t seem at all real.

BYU’s final dagger from 42 yards out was like in a Kung Fu movie when someone is killed so quickly they don’t realize they’re dead. It was Hanzo Sword straight through the heart of the Big Red faithful.

At our watch site, hope lasted until the replays confirmed everyone’s most unthinkable fear. Instantly, our spirits plummeted faster than Wile E. Coyote once he looks down and realizes he stepped off a cliff.

After a game that bordered on perfection (as much as a season opener with a new staff and scheme could be perfect ) for 59:59, that final second reality check may be just what the Huskers needed in order to make this season a success.

Don’t consider the gut punch from the football gods a cosmic smiting of all that is considered holy with Husker Nation. Yes, winning 30 consecutive home openers would have been a nice notch in the belt but how many of those victories were anything more than a pack of wolves feasting on lambs?

The role reversal of the hunter becoming the hunted can be a great motivator for the team and staff. While it’d be great to see the Huskers march into Miami with a bounce in their step and a perfect record, a chip on their collective shoulders and gravel in their guts and spit in their eyes can be what carries this team through the entire season.

These guys are all now coldly aware that they can be beaten at any time and how they respond to that will shape how the season plays out.

Make sure you’re buckled up tight. There’s only one game down and at least 11 more to go. It’s going to be a heck of a ride no matter what.

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College Football, Huskers, View From the Boneyard

View from the Boneyard: BYU

I’m always so amazed how waking up on a Husker game day at 8am is almost effortless, especially considering how difficult it is for me to roll out of bed to get to my 12:30 classes half of the time.

Our casual group of five arrived at the stadium just before 11am (after eating copious amounts of french toast made by yours truly), but five soon grew to over 15 as we realized how many seats we needed to save in the front of East Stadium.

After so many years of going to the games early, you start to recognize the reoccurring people who arrive hours before kickoff. Walking up to East Stadium, you’re greeted by students in fun costumes, students playing catch with a football, and The Iron N’s football sport directors telling you to “do the Westerstache.”

westerstache
The Iron N football sport directors (minus Allison Redwine) telling fans to “do the Westerstache.”

Hours of waiting outside of the doors in the unbearable heat were made easier thanks to Zesto’s bringing ice cream for everyone. Seriously—you’re the real MVP.

The cries of “3, 2, 1” echoed outside as students in South Stadium got ready to “walk” up the ramps to their seats. Ever since my freshman year, students have been threatened by security to walk—not run—to their section since students kept running into the large concrete pillars in the past. Personally, I say let natural selection take its course, but that’s just me.

eaststadium
Not even Abraham Lincoln could persuade the powers that be to open the East Stadium doors just a little early. 

There are few things on game day more frustrating than waiting to be let in to East Stadium after South has already been let in, especially since watching the chaos of getting to the front row is one of my favorite parts of game day.

It’s a lot like watching the Hunger Games, honestly. Every man (or woman) for themselves as people push, yell, and weave through other students in the bloodbath to get down to the front rows. May the odds be ever in your favor.

This year was the first year that I hadn’t been worried about getting to our spot in time. It’s kind of comforting knowing that roughly 15 people waiting in line with you are all trying to save spots for the same group.

Hayley Archer Boneyard
Front row seats secured!

The Boneyard was entertained before the game by its new official DJ Phipp Phippa, who was able to get students to go down to the field to dance, as well as get everyone involved in some new Husker chants.

Despite having the DJ, two and a half hours of waiting inside of the stadium can start to drag on. Students passed the time by meeting new students, reuniting with old friends, and even getting Sam Foltz’s attention with a “Foltz 4 Heisman” poster.

The real excitement kicked in once the pregame festivities began. This year was the first year that I was actually a part of the Go Big Red banner in East Stadium. No one warned me how easy it is to get completely engulfed in it as it comes back down, though. Rookie mistake.

tifoStudents in South Stadium bring the Boneyard tifo to life.

Everyone in the section seemed to be showing off the goosebumps as the Tunnel Walk happened, and I stood there shaking like one of those little lap dogs that had just been asked if they wanted to go for a walk.

BYU’s team ran out on the field and was soon greeted by a chorus of boo’s from the South Stadium students. East Stadium was quick to call out the freshmen and sophomores on their etiquette, though. If we’re going to take Minnesota’s motto and make it our own by saying “Nebraska nice,” we better live up to that. Granted, I went the entire week saying “more like BY-Eww am I right?” but I’m pretty sure the only offensive part of that statement is how horribly stupid it is. Much like most of my jokes.

BYUfield
After months of waiting, the Huskers are moments away from return to action.

Can You Feel It blasted through the stadium as The Iron N’s newest project was displayed. I can say from experience that a lot of hard work was put in to that project, especially after spending countless hours painting and trying to tell as many people there about this exact article that I’m writing. So yeah, hey guys. (I told them I’d give them a shout out to get them to read this.) (Editor’s note: This is a brilliant move, always.)

The game began and everything seemed right again in Husker Nation. Shoes were raised during the kick off and I managed to only almost fall off of the bench while dancing twice, so there was definitely progress from previous years. Seriously, those benches are narrow.

It was weird though to be at my first Husker game without my partner-in-crime, my former roommate and now Husker marketing intern best friend. Thankfully that void was filled during the second quarter when she was finally done working.

With the first touchdown of the season scored by Westerkamp (#DoTheWesterstache),  everyone was relieved to finally be able to release their red balloons into the sky without having to worry about accidentally releasing it prematurely and facing the judgement of their peers.
Memorial Stadium Balloons
Balloons were let loose following Jordan Westerkamp’s jaw dropping touchdown catch. What a way to start the season.

There seemed to be a serious disinterest from many fans during the second quarter, in which the Huskers were unable to put any points on the board while BYU got two touchdowns and a field goal.

The attitude changed with an injury to Sam Foltz, causing fans to jump out of their seats screaming at officials. With that occurring during the only time that I had left the student section, I realized that I had probably jinxed everything and that I should never leave the Boneyard during a game again.

The new energy seemed to fuel the Huskers as they kept BYU scoreless in the third, especially after an interception by Nate Gerry. Some of the energy was lost in transition to the fourth quarter, where most people blamed the oddly quiet pump up music being played over the sound system.

Honestly, I was thinking about how the Huskers had the game in the bag during last few minutes of play. But when 15 seconds started ticking down, you could see the looks of fear in Husker fans as the clock stopped with one second remaining. The dreaded one second.

Soon after students were greeted by a celebrating BYU coach making his victory lap around the field. No one left the section for multiple minutes after the end of the game from pure shock. I guess this is how Northwestern felt not too long ago.

In my opinion, we probably jinxed ourselves by not keeping up with the greatest Husker tradition of all time: Valentino’s Slice of Life. But that’s just me.

But as the random passerby said after the game, “if we can make it through Callahan, we can make it through anything.”

Hayley Archer is a senior Broadcasting major at UNL. Follow her on Twitter at @Harchinator.

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Sunday Morning Hot Takes: BYU Edition

Welcome to our first edition of Sunday Morning Hot Takes where we’ll be delivering a fresh, steaming pile of hot takes following every Husker game.

So… how ’bout that BYU game?

If you’re reading this, congratulations on making it through the night to see another sunrise. I haven’t yet ventured outside but I’ll go out on a limb and say that the sun has kept its 4.5 billion year streak of being where it’s supposed to be going for a least one more day.

Granted, that final second of regulation ended with as much shock and horror as seeing an animal shelter get napalmed but we can get through this Husker Nation.

It’s a long season. There will be peaks. There will valleys. And there’s a pretty damn good chance that 90,000 fans will not get their hearts ripped out on the final play of a game at Memorial Stadium for a long, long time. (Or at least a few weeks.)

Mola Ram BYU
Who knew Mola Ram was a BYU fan?

Before we dive into the hot takes, we must first drop the worst humble brag ever. In our interview with former BYU linebacker Austen Jorgensen, there was a little nugget where he absolutely nailed the outcome of the game.

Austen Jorgensen Prediction

ON WITH THE HOT TAKES!

Mike Riley: Two things are clearly apparent: 1) He does not rattle under pressure and he certainly had his fair share on Saturday. One can only imagine he keeps a screaming chamber in his basement.

MeditationChamber-ESB
A visualization of Mike Riley’s top secret screaming chamber.

2) Even at 62-years-old, his heart his clearly in tip top shape. Yes, he slumped over when the refs signaled touchdown but he walked off the field under his own power. Even as cold blooded as he is, Bill Snyder would not have survived that ending.

Coach Riley’s calmness must be contagious because it even carried over to Husker Twitter. These tweets were from when things weren’t exactly going right.

Behold the calmness and rational thoughts!

Tommy Armstrong: Holy crap did he look sharp. Yes, he had a few low points (and one crazy pass that gave Husker Nation a T-Magic flashback) but overall he clearly bought into what Danny Langsdorf is selling. Our DVR mercifully stopped recording with 8 minutes left in the fourth quarter but his pass to Brandon Reilly the final time the Huskers had the ball was a sight to behold and his best pass of the game. He put the ball exactly where it needed to go. Tommy just needs to remember he has a pretty fast set of wheels underneath him and be a little quicker when it comes to deciding to tuck the ball and run.

Danny Langsdorf: Hey man, the Huskers are kind of known for running the ball. Maybe you could add some more of those plays next week? And that number 32, he’s kind of a beast. Maybe call his number a few more times. Oh, but it was really cool when you mixed up some of the old stuff following Nate Gerry’s interception. Do more of that and Husker fans will love you long time.

Jordan Westerkamp:  Another season opener. Another jaw dropping catch. Say what you will about Adidas, but they at least know how to make a jersey that stays in one piece.

Jordan Westerkamp Catch
The Huskers got their first points on this season on this nice little stretch play. Please, tip your server.

Mark Banker’s Defense: Every time I started writing a stupid tweet (note to self: you can save drafts) that said Mark Banker was an anagram for Kevin Cosgrove, the Blackshirts adjusted and got a stop. They’ll figure out how to stop a Hail Mary eventually. 

Sam Foltz: Best wishes to Thunder Leg for speedy recovery. It was really great to see the Huskers pay tribute to him by not punting and scoring a bunch of points instead for a while there in the second half but how about Tyson Broekemeier stepping up huge when the Huskers truly needed to punt?

Tanner Mangum Granted, he’s a freshman who graduated high school in 2012 but he’s still a freshman playing in his very first game. On the road. At Nebraska. And he walked off Tom Osborne field swinging the biggest pair of stones of the day. Hopefully the BYU equipment team will get him a helmet that fits now that he’s officially a legendary quarterback and switch the letters on his jersey so that his last name magically becomes Magnum. If you’re gonna have eyebrows that look like a pair of Tom Selleck mustaches you might as well play the part. Plus, how sweet would it be if he took the field to the theme from Magnum?

TANNER MAGNUM
Tanner Mangum is 6’3″ but stands 5’3” with the over-sized helmet.

KEEPING IT CLASSY: Thanks to our handy guide to drinkin’ in Lincoln for BYU fans blowing up on BYU Twitter earlier this week, we sort of became unofficial ambassadors of Husker Nation. We’re thrilled to see that Husker fans were living up to their reputation. Good job, everyone.

BYU TWEETS

FINAL NUMBERS:

17: The number of are you still alive? text messages I received from various family and friends in the minutes and hours that followed the game.

6: Points left off the board by missed field goals. Drew Brown will get it back on track. Maybe it’s not too late to get Alex Henery on-board as a volunteer coach?

0: Number of concerned texts I received from my otherwise lovely wife. When I told her about the heartbreaking outcome, she chuckled before saying, “Wait, I thought they always played a high school team so would always won their first game? Did they lose to a high school team?”  She grew up an LSU fan, btw.

38 – 24: Our score prediction as modeled by one of Hollywood Blvd’s Spider-Men. With the Blackshirts holding and the offense rolling, this prediction was lining up to come true.

Spider-man Hollywood Blvd

STUFF THAT’S NEITHER A NUMBER OR A HOT TAKE:

Unsung Hero of the Day: My KMASHI battery. While it may not be as sleek and slender as a ridiculously overpriced Mophie, it’s built like an offensive lineman and will take your mobile device from zero back up to full power many times over on a single charge. I can’t remember the last I even charged the thing but even with one bar it charged my phone twice yesterday. Plus, it has 2 USB ports so you can help out a friend in need. Best $13.99 you can spend.

Hilarious Twitter account you need to follow (especially if you’re also a soccer fan): Throwball for Brits.

Finally, the award for Most Click-Baity Headline of the Day goes to the otherwise rock solid Hail Varsity crew.

The “featured” tweets belong to Faux Pelini, the Huskers, Hunter Radenslaben, Sam McKewon, the Huskers, Dewayne Wade, Tim Miles, Todd McShane, and Ron Kellogg.

I’m sure they’re all thrilled and flattered to see their tweets in virtual print. Next time, try to feature more people like Hunter. Might help your engagement.

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Nick Allen’s Reasons to Be Optimistic About the Huskers

The first game of the Huskers’ season is always a special time full of optimism and hope right up until the moment the first pigskin is launched from the tee into the heavens.

To help ward off any dread that may be sinking in as the hours and minutes tick towards the Huskers’ date with destiny against BYU, we’ve enlisted the assistance of Omaha-based stand up comic Nick Allen. Maybe you saw him on NBC’s Last Comic Standing this summer?

And that accolade (no matter how brief) puts Nick squarely in the position of being the funniest white guy comic living in Nebraska not named Larry the Cable Guy. You can catch Nick in action on September 10th when he headlines the Comedy Underground show at Brewsky’s in Lincoln’s Haymarket.

Take it away Nick…

Guess who’s undefeated baby? The Huskers. Just like they’re supposed to be. New season, new coach, new, new PA announcer. Cue up the Alan Parsons Project. Let’s do this shit.

1) THE BLACKSHIRTS ARE BACK
Right away. Like they should be. Lead by spirit animal Jack Gangwish and a beastly defensive line, NU’s storied defense enters the season with an attitude and intensity backed by decades of tradition.

2) THE PIPELINE
Another backbone of Nebraska tradition is set to rise again. Milt Tenopir has been a regular at practice. Alex Lewis is a bad ass (‘with record’). All championship teams have rap sheets. A pancake breakfast all season long.

3) THE COACHING STAFF
A Head coach with championship pedigree.

mike-riley-bombers-cp-1988
TWO Grey Cups.

Plus, the Huskers now have an actual QB coach (who knows how to properly hold a football).

Tim Beck
Have fun with this guy, Urban.

Eli Manning Danny LangsdorfEli will retire with more rings than Peyton. Just like God intended.

4) STRENGTH COACH MARK PHILIPP

Mark Phillpp
Spontaneous bare-foot deadlift of 400lbs.

5) KEITH WIDEOUTS WILLIAMS

He could suit up if he had to AND he’s not a golf coach!

6) THE GUYS ON THE FIELD

Tommy Armstrong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWZzoJJMObM

STUD. End. Of. Story. He’s carried himself like a championship QB since his first snap. This year the big wins follow.

Jordan Westerkamp

Total magician. Usually I despise dudes with novelty mustaches but he gets a pass on that.

Vincent Valentine and Maliek Collins

Collins and Valentine
Wrecking balls.

DPE

DPE
He’s not out the whole season.

Sam Foltz

Thunder Leg
Even though he’s a punter, he could probably beat your ass.

7) EASE OF SCHEDULE
No self-respecting football program should ever be intimidated by the Big Ten West.

8) THE JET SWEEP
If you run it, you should  FINALLY be able to stop it.

9) TOM OSBORNE

Tom Osborne
I was on the same flight as him this spring. That has to mean something, right?

10) UP AND COMERS
According to the coaching staff, a lot of guys are ‘on the come.’ Not sure exactly what that means but it sounds like they’re either on they’re way up or involved in a ‘sticky’ hazing situation. Hopefully they’re rising stars.

11) WHY NOT?
Hey, the Huskers could be pretty good and somebody has to win these games. The past few years they’ve been close. Really close. Shit just fell apart in big games. Sometimes in spectacular fashion but they were ahead in most of those games to begin with. They usually lost one you would have thought they would win too. But they’re close. Plus they’re due. Either way, enjoy it and don’t get too caught up in it.

And if you find yourself screaming at a kid you’d go to jail for buying a beer for– don’t.

GO BIG RED!

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College Football, Huskers, Mike Riley

Nebraska Will Most Likely Win the 2015 National Championship

cfpchampWarning: This editorial may include sunshine pumping.

After carefully evaluating the upcoming college football season, the most likely outcome I see for Mike Riley’s maiden voyage out on the high Husker seas — is a National Friggin’ Title.

Burdensome expectations for the newly minted captain of Memorial Stadium, you say? A reckless forecast sure to undermine the confidence of a Corvallis crew all too used to Pac-12 participation trophies?

Yeah, well. Whatever.

If you want to rhetorically hold Riley and company’s hands through the tunnel walk on Saturday, start your own damn blog.

Big Red Fury expects Mike Riley to take the helm like the second-coming of Bob Devaney who saw a 200% increase in wins his first year at Nebraska over the previous season.

Granted, for Mike Riley to do the same, he will need to win 27 games in 2015 — a mathematical impossibility, unfortunately. But he can go another route to match the phenomenal improvement Devaney brought with him in 1962. The BobFather produced four fewer losses in his first season than Bill Jennings produced in his last.

As luck would have it, Bo Pelini left Mike with the exact number of losses he would need to match Bob’s improvement. Only this time, should Coach Riley strike the same lightning, it will mean a 15-0 record.

And a National Damn Title.

But, but, but — I can hear the carping now. Bob Devaney didn’t win a National Title in his first year at Nebraska. Bo Pelini didn’t put the ball on a tee with a 3-6-1 out-going record. And the atmosphere is just plain different now. College football of 2015 is a lifetime removed from college football of 1962.

Ix-nay on the ucking-fay excuses-ay. That’s right, I’m bringing Pig Latin to this here itchbe.

So maybe you wonder when was the last time a Division 1 college football team actually went 15-0? After all, the Buckeyes didn’t even do it when they picked up their 14-1 Championship last year.

The answer is Penn University in 1897.

Oh, some teams have come agonizingly close with 14 wins and no losses. Florida State in 2013. Auburn in 2010. Alabama and Boise State in 2009. Ohio State in 2002.

But come four and a half months from now — unless my crystal ball is in need of some Windex — Nebraska will stand shoulder to shoulder with the mighty 1897 Penn Quakers as the only 15-0 Division 1 football teams in the entire history of the sport.

Tall order? Sure. If you say so.

But what if Mike and his Corvallis mechanics stumble up somewhere while pimping out this Big Red Lamborghini they’ve been bestowed?

Like — and I know this is going to sound ridiculous — what if Michigan State comes to town and pulls out an inspired performance, while SIMULTANEOUSLY Nebraska plays a little bit flat?

It’s conceivable then, yeah sure, Sparty might actually sneak out a win while in Lincoln. Crazier things have happened, right?

So then Nebraska gets back on track, blows out Rutgers and Iowa and heads off to Indianapolis 11-1 to face, probably a 12-0 Ohio State.

No worries. We’re in like Flynn.

Nebraska then manhandles the Buckeyes. While Coach Riley goes to waggle Urban Frank Meyer III’s humiliated little grip at midfield, Mark Banker takes Meyer from behind, chucks him to the ground and puts his boot on his trachea.

Just to let him know the new pecking order.

Nebraska then goes on to the playoffs, tosses off some SEC champ like a gamy bit of ground squirrel, then pounds the hapless PAC-12 champ like a Sharknado slamming into the Santa Monica pier. VOILA! 14-1 National Champs, just like those tallywackers from Columbus last year.

Okay. So let’s say Nebraska bowls through its regular season 12-0 (or, at worst 11-1) and then loses (I’m just asking you to humor me here) to Ohio State and is then LEFT OUT of the playoff. Would that then derail Nebraska’s 2015 National Title run?

Absolutely not. And that’s one of the things I love about college football. Titles are subjective. It’s the only sport that has a long history of letting multiple champs stand together on the same gold medal podium in the same year.

Quick — who won the 1970 National Title? Depends on who you ask. A Nebraska fan will say, “Nebraska, of course.” And out the corner of their mouths, they’ll add, “And Texas, I guess.” If you ask a Texas fan the same question, they’ll say, “Texas! And some other team. Nebraska, maybe? Did we even play them that year?”

And the truth is they’re BOTH right. But ask an Ohio State fan, who won the 1970 National Title, they’ll say, “Buckeyes.”

What? The same Ohio State team that went 9-1 and lost 27-17 to Stanford in the Rose Bowl? National Champs over 11-0-1 Nebraska? And 10-1 Texas?

Indeed. Turns out a little organization called the National Football Foundation got all hair-triggered and awarded Ohio State college football’s 1970 crown in the afterglow of the Buckeye’s 20-9 win over 4th ranked Michigan, without bothering to see how things played out in Pasadena.

Nebraska 1970 National Co-Champs Ohio State, Nebraska, and Texas were all somebody’s National Champion in 1970.

What’s remarkable is that this Championship sits just fine with historically attuned Buckeye fans who unabashedly count that year as a notch in their title belt. Likewise, Texas fans are equally cool with their 1970 Title despite that the Longhorns also lost their bowl game (handily by 13 points to Notre Dame). The Coaches Poll was also prone to premature National Title ejaculation back then.

In fact, college football is so over-run with multiple national champions, there are actually 356 claimed titles despite there having only been 146 total seasons. Other sports aren’t quite so communistic. There have been 110 World Series and 110 Major League champions. There have been 94 NFL seasons. 94 NFL Champions. 76 NCAA Division I Mens Basketball seasons. 76 NCAA Division I Mens Basketball Champions. 64 NBA seasons. 64 NBA Champions.

You see where this is headed?

So “open-to-interpretation” are college football title claims, some programs have declared themselves champions of particular seasons decades after the fact. Alabama, Notre Dame, and USC are especially adept at retroactive trophy collecting. And some of their hardware requires assertions so outlandish, they’d make Baron Munchausen stand up and scream — LIAR!

So, back to our 2015 scenario. Nebraska beats everybody on the regular season slate. But then they go to Indianapolis and get beat by the Urbhio State Buckmeyers and the playoff selection committee does not ring up Mike Riley’s phone.

Shit out of luck?

No sir!

We simply need to refer to anything after the regular season as an “exhibition game.” As long as Nebraska survives the regular season with no more than 1 loss, what happens in the exhibition portion of the year is irrelevant. Per college football history.

Outside of the 5 seasons in which Nebraska was declared National Champions, my favorite year of college football was 1960. For no other reason than the leeway its sheer lunacy provides in allowing titles to be doled out to just anybody.

As some of you may already know, the Minnesota Golden Gophers were at one time college football juggernaut. This reputation stems largely from Minnesota’s four AP National Titles — including the very first Associated Press Title handed out in 1936.

AP titles are the longest running order of fully recognized “legit” championships and it is a pretty big deal to be awarded one. Even when you include the results of the 1960 football season.

As it turns out, the Associated Press changed their voting system in 1960 as a response to the embarrassment of the previous season in which 200 AP voters split their first place votes among SEVEN different schools. Syracuse was the overall winner in 1959, but Mississippi, LSU, Texas, Georgia, Wisconsin and Alabama all had enough merit to garner at least one media cheerleader in their corner for the final assessment of the season.

By the way, look how showered the SEC was with media love even back in 1959.

Now, to avoid such future logjams of varying opinions, the Associated Press trimmed their voting block down to the ballots of just 48 sports writers for 1960. And it was the first year in which they implemented the weighted vote of 20 points for first place, 19 points for second place, 18 points for third and so on. But still, the final vote would happen at the end of the regular season.

The result was, balls out, the most ridiculous AP champion of all time. The 8-2 Minnesota Gophers.

Minnesota’s AP trophy came after beating just one team with a better than 5-4 record — Iowa, who ended the year 8-1 and ranked #3 but did not compete in any a bowl game because of a Big 10 rule in which conference teams could only play in the Rose Bowl. And, as head-to-head winners, that trip belonged to Minnesota.

After beating Iowa, Minnesota subsequently lost to 4-4-1 Purdue by 9 points. They then beat a sub .500 Wisconsin, standing at 8-1, they picked up their AP National Title trophy and then headed to Pasadena where they were nearly skunked by PAC-8 Champion, Washington, to the tune of 17-7.

When all “exhibition” games were finished for 1960, these following teams all had better records than the Gophers: 11-0 Missouri (finished #5), 11-0 New Mexico State (finished #17), 10-0-1 Mississippi (finished #2), 10-1 Washington (finished #6), 8-1 Iowa (finished #3), 8-1 Rutgers (finished unranked) 9-2 Florida (finished #18), 9-2 Navy (finished #4) and 9-2 Utah State (finished the year unranked).

If the votes were cast after the Bowl games, it would be hard to see ranking Minnesota better than 4th or 5th for that year. The title would have probably gone to either Washington, Missouri or Mississippi.

And yet, the record book still says “Minnesota: 1960 College Football National Champions.”

This is the kind of racket Nebraska can get in on in 2015.

All we need is for Mike Riley to kick off his baptismal Husker season with an 11-1 or 12-0 run. And then have an organization declare a 2015 champion before the conference championship games.

That’s where Big Red Fury comes in.

I propose a new college football award organization. The Big Red Fury Collegiate Gridiron Association or: BRFCGA. This organization will be a panel of any such people willing to vote in a college football champion at the conclusion of the regular season — and unwilling to consider any team for the top spot not named Nebraska.

The panel will consist of the three members of Big Red Fury plus Jason Peter, Tommy Lee and Larry the Cable Guy.

Peter Lee Cable GuyThe greatest power trio Nebraska has ever known.

Jason and Larry will, no doubt, be in the tank for the Huskers. Heck, we may even get a #1 vote from Larry with three losses. Who knows? Tommy may take some cajoling to avoid throwing his vote away on somebody like San Jose State or Wake Forest. We just need to remind him that Dear Old Nebraska U is his alma mater for the three-week stint he had in Lincoln back in 2005. It’s quite possible that he doesn’t remember that far back, but showing him pictures of himself decked out in drumline gear ought to trigger some kind of cogitation.

As for the three Big Red Fury voters, at least one of us will be on board from the opening kick-off. The rest is up to Mike Riley’s orchestration.

So, sit back. Enjoy Nebraska’s 2015 National Championship run and give a little toast to the 1960 Gophers. Thanks to their precedent, we’ve got this thing in the bag.

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College Football, Huskers

BYU Fans: Your Guide To Drinkin’ In Lincoln

Welcome to Lincoln, BYU Fans!

While Nebraska’s capital city may not seem like the most exciting destination, the town does have a couple things going for it.

1) Even without a GPS (and even with impaired brain function), it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to get lost in Lincoln. Navigation  is easier than making a Jell-O salad. The streets run on a brilliant grid system of numbered and lettered streets.

The lettered streets run east/west with O Street considered to be main street. The numbered streets go north/south and any address north of O is considered north and anything south is south. Most folks will give directions based on an intersection e.g. Misty’s Steakhouse (home of the best prime rib in Lincoln and Modern Monks Brewing) is at 11th & P. Boom. Easy, right? Its real address, 200 N. 11th Street, translates to two blocks north of O Street on… wait for it… 11th Street.

If you’re staying downtown (as you should be) consider the Capitol (that 400 foot tall building that looks like a p-e-n-i-s) to be your southern boundary and Memorial Stadium (can’t miss it) to be your northern boundary. Anything between those two monuments is your weekend playground.

2) BOOZE while the streets of Lincoln may not literally flow with beer like the streets of our Big Ten rival up in Madison, the Star City is no slouch when it comes to ease of opportunity to get wasted. Bars are sprinkled throughout downtown as liberally as cheese on Funeral Potatoes. Walk ten feet in any direction and you will find one.

These are some of our personal favorites.

The downtown section of downtown:

Duffy’s – Home of the Fishbowl. You can literally get a fishbowl filled with booze. Perfect for sharing and making friends. Stay in town until Tuesday and take advantage of Dad’s Beer Night. In 2015 you can still get a beer for only a buck.

Duffy's fishbowl
A Duffy’s fishbowl. (Photo: @randallrex14)

Yia Yia’s – Great selection of regional and national microbrews. Best pizza in Lincoln.

Sandy’s – Get an Elk Creek or five and spend a nice night sleeping on the sidewalk under the stars.

O’Rourke’s – Last call in Lincoln is 2am for most spots and O’Rouke’s will keep serving right up until the moment the clock strikes 2. Plus, you can get beer to go here or “off-sale” as the locals call it.

The Brass Rail – If Greek letters permanently adorn any part of your person, you’ll be right at home. Often named one of the best college bars in the US by the scandalous Playboy Magazine.

Zoo Bar – While Donnie and Marie would never play here, this is a great place for live music.

Cliff’s Lounge – Pay tribute to the guy who invented Cliff’s Notes (seriously) by ordering a cocktail served in a pint glass.

The Watering Hole – Chicken wings and beer. Two of man’s most glorious inventions.

The Haymarket section of downtown:

Lazlo’s – Home of Nebraska’s largest microbrewery and one of the best restaurants in Lincoln.

Barry’s – Can’t go wrong with making this classic Lincoln sports bar your game day HQ.

Vega – Live music venue with a tailgate parting on game day.

Brewskys – The most self-explanatory place on this list.

If you need caffeine the morning after, The Mill is the best coffee shop in Lincoln.

HOW TO DRESS: When you step out on the town, be sure to proudly, but not boastfully, wear your BYU gear, so you can be easily identified by any Husker fans who’d like to buy you a drink. As strange as it sounds, Nebraska folk love being good hosts to out-of-towners. Anyone living outside Nebraska’s borders is considered an exotic specimen who will no doubt add a dash of excitement to another humdrum day of watching the corn grow.

Like politics and religion, there’s is some decorum that must be followed when talking football with Husker fans. It’s always best to keep things on the complimentary side. If you stick to the following talking points, you’ll be the new best friend of everyone wearing red in no time.

“Coach Osborne sure is a legend. You can almost feel his presence in the air.”

“No matter what they say, I still believe the 1995 Huskers squad was the best team of all-time. The Heisman should have gone to that Tommie Frazier.”

“Ameer Abdullah and Ndamukong Suh are both on my fantasy team.”

“I’d love to see Nebraska go back to the option some day.”

“After everything that happened last season, I’m just glad to see Nebraska moving in a positive direction.” **

TAILGATING: While the campus is technically a dry one, authorities tend to look the other way when it comes to adults with valuable booster money drinking. The key is to put whatever adult beverage you’re drinking into a plastic cup. And the best part, the same rules for walking around Lincoln apply to tailgating but even more so. If you’re hungry or thirsty before the game, just walk among the throngs of tailgaters and marvel at how quickly a Husker fan fixes you a plate and hands you a beverage.

Husker Tailgaters
If you ever wanted to have strangers hand you assorted meats, a Husker tailgate is the place to be.

FINAL BIT OF ADVICE: If you’re roaming around downtown and feel the need to tinkle, it’s totally cool to dip into an alley to relive yourself. In fact, it is heartily encouraged. Those Lincoln bike cops cruising the streets like they’re on a mission? They won’t give you a ticket. No way, no how. Heck, they’ll even play lookout for you. Scout’s honor.

**Like those of the Jewish faith not mentioning g-d or Muslims drawing a portrait of Allah, it is best to save yourself any potential trouble and never mention former head coach Bo Pelini by name.

He is still quite the polarizing figure among Husker Nation.

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