The first game of the Huskers’ season is always a special time full of optimism and hope right up until the moment the first pigskin is launched from the tee into the heavens.
To help ward off any dread that may be sinking in as the hours and minutes tick towards the Huskers’ date with destiny against BYU, we’ve enlisted the assistance of Omaha-based stand up comic Nick Allen. Maybe you saw him on NBC’s Last Comic Standing this summer?
And that accolade (no matter how brief) puts Nick squarely in the position of being the funniest white guy comic living in Nebraska not named Larry the Cable Guy. You can catch Nick in action on September 10th when he headlines the Comedy Underground show at Brewsky’s in Lincoln’s Haymarket.
Take it away Nick…
Guess who’s undefeated baby? The Huskers. Just like they’re supposed to be. New season, new coach, new, new PA announcer. Cue up the Alan Parsons Project. Let’s do this shit.
1) THE BLACKSHIRTS ARE BACK
Right away. Like they should be. Lead by spirit animal Jack Gangwish and a beastly defensive line, NU’s storied defense enters the season with an attitude and intensity backed by decades of tradition.
2) THE PIPELINE
Another backbone of Nebraska tradition is set to rise again. Milt Tenopir has been a regular at practice. Alex Lewis is a bad ass (‘with record’). All championship teams have rap sheets. A pancake breakfast all season long.
3) THE COACHING STAFF
A Head coach with championship pedigree.
TWO Grey Cups.
Plus, the Huskers now have an actual QB coach (who knows how to properly hold a football).
Have fun with this guy, Urban.
Eli will retire with more rings than Peyton. Just like God intended.
4) STRENGTH COACH MARK PHILIPP
Spontaneous bare-foot deadlift of 400lbs.
5) KEITH WIDEOUTS WILLIAMS
He could suit up if he had to AND he’s not a golf coach!
6) THE GUYS ON THE FIELD
Tommy Armstrong
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWZzoJJMObM
STUD. End. Of. Story. He’s carried himself like a championship QB since his first snap. This year the big wins follow.
Jordan Westerkamp
Total magician. Usually I despise dudes with novelty mustaches but he gets a pass on that.
Vincent Valentine and Maliek Collins
Wrecking balls.
DPE
He’s not out the whole season.
Sam Foltz
Even though he’s a punter, he could probably beat your ass.
7) EASE OF SCHEDULE
No self-respecting football program should ever be intimidated by the Big Ten West.
8) THE JET SWEEP
If you run it, you should FINALLY be able to stop it.
9) TOM OSBORNE
I was on the same flight as him this spring. That has to mean something, right?
10) UP AND COMERS
According to the coaching staff, a lot of guys are ‘on the come.’ Not sure exactly what that means but it sounds like they’re either on they’re way up or involved in a ‘sticky’ hazing situation. Hopefully they’re rising stars.
11) WHY NOT?
Hey, the Huskers could be pretty good and somebody has to win these games. The past few years they’ve been close. Really close. Shit just fell apart in big games. Sometimes in spectacular fashion but they were ahead in most of those games to begin with. They usually lost one you would have thought they would win too. But they’re close. Plus they’re due. Either way, enjoy it and don’t get too caught up in it.
And if you find yourself screaming at a kid you’d go to jail for buying a beer for– don’t.
GO BIG RED!
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