Tag Archives: huskers

So long Losers: Your Huskers vs Gophers Senior Day Preview

Senior Day has finally arrived for an unlucky group of 13 Huskers who were never able to escape the gravity of mediocrity. Over the course of four seasons, they  stumbled their way to a 36 – 14 record (so far). That’s a paltry winning percentage of only 72%  and a full a 11% lower than Tom Osborne coached teams.

If Bo Pelini and company and are truly focused and committed to  building a program that wins championships, Senior Day shouldn’t be a celebration but a chance to tell these 13 non-achievers to hit the skids. As a final parting gift to fans, Kenny Bell should insist his name be wiped from the record book for stealing the records of a man who had what it took to win not one but two National Championships.

At this point in the season, why even let the seniors play when those who will be back in 2015 could be on the field getting valuable experience?

Before you declare the idea of Bo pulling the plug on an ultimately fruitless season to be hogwash, think about all the times you’ve ever hit reset on a video game before getting your ass fully kicked. Benching the seniors in favor of fresh meat with a desire to win is the same damn thing, just in real life. Those chumps had four years to get it done and couldn’t. So what’s the big deal if they don’t play the last three games?

You want to see a competition at quarterback? Give Armstrong, Fyfe, and Stanton each a quarter and whoever plays the best gets the fourth as a reward. You want crisp and precise plays? Run them again and again until they get it right. Clearly the practice squad isn’t putting up enough of a real world test so why not use meaningless games as practice?

Sure, the Huskers could go on a roll and win out the season but really, who does an 11 – 2 record impress? Only losers who don’t have championship standards.

If your blood is starting  to boil right now or at the very least you’re having a WTF? moment, congrats. You can keep reading.

To those of you who found this blatant trolling to be brilliant, out of the box thinking, please go find a different corner of the internet to waste your time.

This is a site for Husker fans who stick together in all kinds of weather no matter how lopsided the score. We’re with these guys all the way, just as long as they don’t do something dumb like showing their wiener to a convenience store clerk.

Scouting Report: Minnesota is just like Wisconsin except not as good. So get ready for a few flashbacks to last week. The Golden Gophers own the Huskers in the overall series 30-22-2 but have only won twice since 1959 with their most recent wins coming in 1960 and 2013. (We’ll go ahead and pretend last year’s game didn’t happen.)

Golden Gopher head coach Jerry Kill is pretty much his team’s biggest story. Unlike “former rising star” Bo Pelini, Kill’s 24-24 record at Minnesota is already the stuff of legend. Last season his team notched an unprecedented eight wins! This year, Coach Kill has thankfully gotten his health in order but he’s still a dick for abandoning his previous post at Northern Illinois team ahead of the Humanitarian Bowl for the greener pastures of Minnesota. Remember how Pelini stuck with LSU until after they finished the job of winning a national championship?

Bo Pelini Drunk
Bo Pelini, a man of his word.

Confidence: It’s the word of the week for Husker beat writers. Depending on your source, either Tim Beck needs to regain confidence in his play calling or he needs to give Tommy Armstrong a shot in the arm, ideally his non-throwing one because that cannon needs all the help it can get to be properly re-sighted and calibrated.

Here’s hoping they spent some quality time listening to Matt Foley.

Honestly, it’s a coin toss as to what kind of Huskers team we’ll see on Saturday.  The Huskers are either going to live out Carl Spackler’s wildest fantasies or get a golden shower from the Golden Gophers on their home turf. Let’s just hope it’s the former.

Ideal Scenario: The Huskers get the win, sending the seniors off on a positive note and go undefeated at home for the first time since 2012. It doesn’t have to be pretty. It just has to get done. It’d be great to see Ameer bust off one more long run at home and see Kenny Bell haul in one last #TommyBomb. Players like those guys don’t come around often and it’s been a real treat to see them play. Btw, did you know all 13 seniors will have graduated by December? Pretty impressive.

Over/Under on Angry Bo Close Ups: 8 – this is an all-time high. With the game on ESPN and last week’s meltdown still a gross, oozing wound, don’t be surprised if ESPN has a camera just for Bo.

Question That Needs an Answer: Can the Huskers rebound or will they shit the bed a second week in a row?

 

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What if the Huskers Had Beaten Wisconsin?

The dark clouds of the college football apocalypse have settled in hard over Nebraska this week thanks to the Huskers getting taken behind the woodshed by the Wisconsin Badgers.

In just 42 brutal (and record setting) minutes of football at Camp Randall Stadium, all the anxiety, anguish, and rage that had been (mostly) contained by a (mostly) solid season finally breached the dam, causing all hell to finally break loose among Husker Nation.

Days later,  the body blows and nut shots keep coming at Bo Pelini and the team. On Tuesday Omaha World Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain administered an atomic purple nurple of his own by illustrating how Pelini’s D can be just as horrid as the unspeakable Kevin Cosgrove’s.

But the question we have is this: Would Husker Nation really have been any happier with a win at Wisconsin?

While the obvious, no duh answer is a resounding YES, there’s more to it than that.

Let’s take a journey to an alternate dimension where the Huskers came away with a victory over the Badgers.

In this wholly hypothetical game, we’ll pretend the Huskers won 31 – 17 with all the elements of a solid Husker victory being present and accounted for-

Tommy  went 15/25 and 200 yards and 2TDs.
Ameer ran for 120 and a score of his own.
The Blackshirts added a TD off a scoop and score fumble recovery. AND held Melvin Gordon to under 300 yards rushing.
Drew Brown eased doubts with a 45 yard field goal right down Broadway.

A wave of jubilation immediately follows the game as two years of Badger induced shame and misery is released by the Husker faithful. It is a wholly cathartic moment. Tim Beck is a genius! We never doubted Bo Pelini’s system! The ink is barely dry on the requisite “The Skies the Limit for the Huskers” columns before the first seeds of doubt are planted.

It starts with a contrarian tweet here. A piss in your Cheerios Facebook post there.

Big deal. The Huskers beat a team that lost to Northwestern.

The Badgers scored 17. Plan on Ohio State doubling that- if we can get past Minnesota and Iowa.

Wake me when the Huskers’ biggest win isn’t against a barely ranked team with two bad losses.

We’re still not going to make the playoff.

Our win would have looked so much better if Miami could have held off Florida State.

A few hours later, a snarky column by a certain Omaha World Herald staff writer is published that pinpoints a dire Husker week spot- 2rd down inefficiency on running plays to the short side of the field with less than a minute remaining when going into the wind during the second quarter. It’s such a bizarre nit to pick that fans rally to the defense of the team and coaching staff, righting the good ship Husker Optimism.

And then the College Football Playoff rankings are released.

Even with a convincing victory and a strong Miami effort against Florida State, the Huskers are the lowest ranked one loss team hovering just outside the top 10 and well out of playoff range.

Those same fans who weren’t impressed with the win in the first place are suddenly full of rage at the level of disrespect shown to the Huskers and Big Ten. Angry emails are sent. Calls are made to sports talk shows. An old-timer writes his Congressperson demanding an investigation. Family vacations to Disney World are canceled in a vain effort to keep money out of SEC territory.

HUSKER FAN VENN DIAGRAM
Husker fans diagrammed.

Even if the Huskers won out and finished the regular season 12 – 1, there’s a better chance a one loss TCU team (that doesn’t even have to play a conference championship game) would  snag the final playoff spot leaving the Big Red out in the cold and f-ed in the drive-thru by Texas and the Big XII yet again. In the inaugural year of the College Football Playoff, Husker Nation would have set a high bar for what it means to be a butt hurt fan base.

On the flip side, there’s still a chance the Huskers could lose out and finish the year 8 – 5, snapping that streak of 9 win seasons that didn’t mean much anyway. Just imagine if that happened. That’s six or seven SOLID weeks of justified complaining. Without a September loss or leaked tape this season, that would really make up for lost time on the bitching front.

Long story short, if there’s one thing Husker fans love as much as finger banging their egos with a winning football team, it’s getting to piss and moan about a losing one.

As hard as it can be, just sit back and try to enjoy the ride.

It will be over before you know it.

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Who Woke Up Still Mad About What Happened in Madison?

Welcome to Monday! So how about that game up in Madison? Still upset? Don’t worry, you’re not alone!

A lot of fans started off their week by waking up with a rage boner about the Huskers and Pelini.

Here are some selected highlights. Just click the linked hashtags to get a real-time update. Things could really heat up when the weekly press conference kicks off at 11am Central.

Searching #Huskers

I’d bet big money @jeremywidner wrote this on the can.

Trolling the homestate team and trying to drive lunchtime business. Poor form @DonohuesPub.

This tweet comes on Monday because took all day because R&D took all day Sunday.

Searching #FirePelini

The rage torches must have been extinguished because these tweets slowed to a crawl very quickly.

#SocialActivism!

So according to his infographic, an average of 34 teams a year finish with 9 wins? WTF? This makes no sense. We may need to do some research.

If you’re going to stoop to using a meme generator, at least use some of the time you save to crop out the watermark and class things up a bit.

And finally, to add an air of mystery to things, twitter user @FirePelini hasn’t tweeted in over a year?

Did come to accept Pelini is here to stay?

Did he run out of data on his Go Phone?

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Recap: Badgers Bugger Bug Eaters in Backbreaking Blowout

If Melvin Gordon, eventual Heisman Trophy winning running back of the Wisconsin Badgers, needs a nickname, we suggest calling him “The One Man Gangbang” because he ran a filthy, nasty train on the Huskers.

Gordon jammed the ball down the throats of the Huskers’ defense to the tune of 406 yards, or just 26 feet less than the friggin’ Empire State Building, if you prefer to have your record breaking yardage totals presented in terms of skyscrapers.

Seriously, the Huskers would have had an easier time containing Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson than Melvin Gordon.

In his Heisman Trophy winning season, Jackson ran for 1,786 yards and averaged 6.6 yards per carry on 278 rushing attempts. After his plowing of the Huskers, Gordon has amassed 1,909 yards on only 223 carries, an average of 8.8 per.

He still has at least three games to go.

Sure, you could try to spin that and say, “Well, the Huskers went up against a special, once-in-a-lifetime player and came out on the wrong side of history. Them’s the breaks.”

Except for the fact that Gordon put up the following numbers in his other games this season-

LOUISIANA STATE – 16 rushes/140 yards/9.0 YPC
WESTERN ILLINOIS – 17 rushes/38 yards/3.0 YPC
BOWLING GREEN – 13 rushes/253 yards/19.5 YPC
SOUTH FLORIDA – 32 rushes/181 yards/5.8 YPC
NORTHWESTERN – 37 rushes/259 yards/9.8 YPC
ILLINOIS – 27 rushes/175 yards/6.6 YPC
MARYLAND – 22 rushes/122 yards/5.6 YPC
RUTGERS – 19 rushes/128 yards/7.1 YPC
PURDUE – 25 rushes/205 yards/8.4 YPC

Then there’s his line against the Huskers-
NEBRASKA – 25 rushes/408 yards/16.4 YPC

Gordon’s record setting night was so brutal to watch in real-time that this nutshot compilation only scratches the surface of the pain the Huskers and their fans endured at Camp Randall Stadium.

It’s one thing to get your ass kicked but an entirely different story to get whupped up on in the same manner as the Huskers in that 52 – 24 pasting. It doesn’t matter if you lose by a single point or four touchdowns, a loss is still a loss but there comes a point when you just gotta ask, WTF is wrong?

Even if the Huskers would have lost by a field goal, the fire Pelini because he can’t win the big ones train would still be chugging along at full steam. That’s a given. The only time the guy ever caught a break with a loss was against Texas in ’09. But still, there comes a point when you gotta wonder why so many of the signature losses involve total woodshed ass kickings where the team and coaching staff just shutdown.

Even a day later, tying to put what transpired into words that aren’t an incoherent mess of all caps swearing is proving rather difficult so we’ll just let the YouTube do the talking for the rest of this recap.

Last night, the Badgers and Melvin Gordon were King Kong Bundy and the Huskers were Little Beaver.

The only difference is Melvin Gordon’s avalanche looked more like this.

Exhibits A and B for putting a better fight than the Huskers:

The Black Knight

Scratchy

Exhibits A and B for not melting down as bad as the Huskers

Richie Tenenbaum

The Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark

Until the Huskers can (hopefully) find some redemption against Minnesota, it’s going to be a long week. Remember, you weren’t on the field. You weren’t calling the plays. You had absolutely nothing to do with the outcome of the game.

It’s not your fault.

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Remembering Kenny Bell’s Greatest Hit

How special is Kenny Bell?

Special enough that when his record-setting career at Nebraska ends, he’ll leave behind a legacy as one of the greatest Husker receivers ever. And his greatest moment won’t even be a catch.

IT WILL BE HIS EARTH SHAKING, BONE RATTLING, SOUL CRUSHING, JAW DROPPING, PANTS POOPING BLOCK THAT SENT AN UNSUSPECTING WISCONSIN BADGER INTO A WORLD OF PAIN AND BECAME THE STUFF OF INTERNET LORE.

Poor Devin Smith never stood a chance.

Eventually Devin was able to scrape himself off the turf at Lucas Oil Field and signed with the Pittsburgh Steelers. In a rather ironic twist, he’s currently on their Injured Reserved list.

Earlier this week I reached out to him to see if he was interested in reminiscing about that time he got destroyed by Kenny Bell.

I never heard back but luckily there’s a Plan B.

I have a friend named Devin who was happy to sub-in.

He’s an Oregon grad and was a staff member on their women’s volleyball team. He spent some quality time in Omaha a few years ago during the Final Four. For the record, it was I, not he, who brought up the fact that the Ducks bumped off the Huskers on their own turf.

Devin has never seen Kenny in action so when I pulled up his monster hit, he was watching it for the first time, the very first time.

ME: Here it comes… wait for it.
DEVIN: Oh Fuck!
ME: Pretty impressive, huh?
DEVIN: That might be the biggest hit I’ve ever seen. The only one worse than that might be Reggie Bush. Can we watch it again?

KENNY BELL BLOCK
Devin pinpoints the exact moment, Devin Smith’s soul made a hasty exit from his suddenly limp and lifeless body.

ME: Do you think you could have handled that hit?
DEVIN: No way. As a fellow Devin I really feel his pain.
ME: How was your time in Nebraska?
DEVIN: It was nice. It was cold. Good steaks. Really good steaks.
ME: How long were in you in Omaha?
DEVIN: A week, week and a half or so.
ME: Did you try a Runza?
DEVIN: No… I don’t even know what that is.
ME: Did you go to Taco John’s?
DEVIN: Nope. I went to Chiptole. Nothing really stuck out besides the steaks.
ME: We’re the fans nice?
DEVIN: Surprisingly. Is this interview about the hit or are we just going to talk about Nebraska?
ME: Do you think the hit was legal?
DEVIN: 100%
ME: Even with the score the way it was?
DEVIN: They’re just trying to get back in it, man.
ME: If Kenny Bell had a nickname, what do you think it would be?
DEVIN: Uh, the Bell Ringer?
ME: That’s actually really good. What if I told you it was Afro Thunder?
DEVIN: Even better.
ME: Kenny’s pretty much going to end his career as Nebraska’s best receiver ever. He’s breaking records that were set by a Heisman Trophy winner back in 1971. If his greatest play was this block, what does that say to you?
DEVIN: That he needs to add some more flair to his catches.

We take a timeout and watch this-

DEVIN: Holy shit! Was that one handed? This dude is incredible.

Yes, yes, he is incredible.

Welcome to the Kenny Bell fan club, Devin.

 

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Breaking Badgers: Your Huskers vs Wisconsin Preview

If there was ever a time for the Huskers to summon the ghosts of Big Red past and kick the ever loving shit out of a team, it is now.

Here’s the brutal truth. Five minutes after joining the Big Ten, Husker Nation got scared and has been ever since. There’s no denying it. Even in the rock bottom Bill Callahan years, Husker fans may have felt a lot of dread but they never displayed the outright fear that is so palpable today. You can feel it week in and week out in how all the beat writers craft their stories framing Nebraska as the underdog no matter the game. And you can definitely see it on full display deep in the bowels of Huskermax.

It’s time for the Huskers and their legion of fans to remember who they really are, go kick some ass, and take a few names along the way.

In the immortal words of Ric Flair, to be the man, you gotta beat the man. And this week that man is named Bucky.

This year the Freedom Trophy is at stake for the first time. Fans have been moaning about this being a thinly veiled attempt to manufacture a rivalry. The Huskers and Badgers are going to be squaring off every year for the foreseeable future so why not put a little something at stake? Nebraska fans making the road trip to Madison could do their part  to make help this a memorable rivalry if everyone by celebrated the Huskers’ victory by stealing a porch couch on the way out of town. Imagine the reaction. They beat our football team and stole our shitty couches? Oh, it is on.

Speaking of Madison, for everyone butt hurt about rude Badger fans, three words- grow a pair. My very first football game experience was walking across Nebraska’s former Third City to attend the big Barr vs Walnut showdown as an 80lb seventh grader. If my nerdy 12-year-old self could make it through the junior high version of The Warriors unscathed, there’s no reason fans can’t handle the heckles of some drunken Badgers. If you can’t think of a good comeback, keep “Go eat some cheese” in your back pocket. Yes it’s dumb and yes sounds just like the “Go eat some corn” you’ve heard a million times and that’s just why it might work.

If you’re still not sold on the rivalry here you go.

Reasons to dislike Wisconsin

1. The Badgers’ turnaround as a college football program was modeled after Nebraska. We won’t even get started on the knock off uniforms.
2. Wisconsin is the only state in the union where your first DUI is a mere traffic violation.
3. All the goddamn mosquitoes.
4. Pabst was sold to the Russians.
5. A carney once ripped me off in Wisconsin Dells.

Confidence: Confidence? I’ve been listening to The Sword in heavy rotation since Tuesday. There’s no way I’m not going to show up to our watch site and eat nachos and yell at the TV like a boss.

With regards to the Huskers, here’s hoping the bye week plunge in the College Football Playoff poll put a chip on their shoulders that will carry them through to the Big Ten Championship Game.

In other words, this needs to be Huskers’ attitude.

(Apologies for the obligatory UHF post but hey, it just came out on Blu-Ray this week!)

Scouting Report: Ooooh… Wisconsin could use a different quarterback from play to play. Big deal. That’s just another QB for Randy Gregory to torment. For him it will be 2 for 1 day at Camp Randall Stadium. Don’t be surprised to see Joel Stave and Tanner McEvoy get in a sideline slap fight over whose turn it is to go in and get creamed.

Macho Man Randy Gregory

Ooooh… Wisconsin has a Heisman contender in running back Melvin Gordon. Come at the Blackshirts, bro. He’ll be a refreshing break from having to deal with Ameer and Imani at practice.

Ooooh… Wisconsin’s offensive and defensive lines are forces to be reckoned with. Tell those thigh rubbers a Groupon for cheese curds just dropped and see how fast they find a way to waddle off the field.

Ooooh… Wisconsin has the Jet Sweep in their playbook. Um, that could pose a problem.

For a detailed breakdown of the Badgers that includes actual statistics, check out Corn Nation.

Ideal Scenario:  Somehow, someway the Huskers get the win and that way is by dominating on both sides of the ball. Over on D, Randy Gregory finally has his Ndamukong Suh Big XII Championship Game with his sacks coming after the Blackshirts shut down the Badger running game.

On the offensive side of things, the Huskers put together a mistake free game and the question about Ameer’s durability never comes up because it doesn’t have to. He runs wild and free for a couple big TD’s but otherwise doesn’t spend too many plays going between the tackles. In a flash of brilliance that impresses even his most passionate haters, Tim Beck keeps the Badger D off balance and guessing by running a lot of plays out of the seldom seen Diamond Formation. Imagine the havoc a backfield of Tommy, Imani, Ameer and De’Mornay could wreak.  Last but not least Kenny Bell finally and deservedly breaks Johnny Rodgers all-time reception record.

Over/Under on Angry Bo Close Ups: 7 – Not gonna lie. This game could get rough and ABC/ESPN will be all over it.

A Question That Needs an Answer: Is Ameer 100%? We. Will. Find. Out.

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Bye Week: Basking in the Doom and Gloom of Other Fans

You know what’s awesome?

I just did a Google Image search for sad Michigan State fans and the Google machine spit back of a treasure trove of sad Michigan fans. Apparently, sad Michigan State fans are nowhere to be found on the internet.

This photo though is priceless.

ku-bigpic-560x546
Was this poor Wolverine’s left eye already bloody or has the pepper spray caused him to cry tears of blood?

With the Huskers enjoying an unprecedented second bye week, today is a great day to sit back, relax and enjoy watching other fans’ seasons come to a screeching and catastrophic halt.

With  our local Husker watch site also being home to an Ohio State alumni group, I’m very tempted to go watch their big showdown with the Spartans just so I can watch a dear Ohio friend possibly have a meltdown. I know it’s not exactly “classy,” but you can rest easy knowing she’d do the same for me.

While Los Angeles is far, far away from being a college football town, all of us idiots who moved here have helped turn every sports bar into a United Nations of college football. Walk into any place on a Saturday afternoon and you’ll see groups of fans from at least a dozen different schools huddled around their respective TVs. It really makes for a great scene.

And like Survivor, unexpected allegiances will form.

When Michigan lost their season opener Appalachian State at home way back in 2007, everyone in the bar who wasn’t maize and blue stopped what they were doing to watch Michigan’s last second field goal attempt get blocked.

Never has there been such joy in the anguish of others.

Then again, 2007 was such a dark time for Husker Nation that fans actually stopped watching games in public. On that day against Nevada, there were exactly four of us in red squinting at a 12 inch TV bolted to the ceiling at an bad angle. When your team is Bill Callahan bad, you get banished to the little TV.

By 2009, our in-public attendance had improved but we were still dwarfed by the highly organized LA chapter of the Texas Exes during the Mack wants another second put back on the clock game. Our numbers were bolstered late in the game by Alabama fans who stayed around after their game ended just to help root against fucking Texas.

The all-time best though was the Huskers’ comeback against Wisconsin in 2012. Early in the second half, a dozen or so Ohio State fans sauntered upstairs to our “private” room at our watch site. Without even acknowledging the odd looks they were getting, they grabbed seats wherever they could. A trio sat down at our table and promptly ordered shots of Fireball Whiskey for the table.

“Hi, we’re here to cheer for you guys just so you’ll be ranked higher when we beat you next week. ”

And that was that. For the rest of the game, they cheered on Huskers and marveled at the “Go Big Red” chant.

To their drunken ears, it sounded like Sloth yelling “Heeeey Yooouuu Guuuys” which is exactly what they shouted when a Go Big Red faded out.

Gotta love college football.

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Dirk Chatelain: Man of Mystery

Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain is like a puzzle wrapped in an enigma.

In his latest Mad Chatter column, in which he ponders Nebraska’s glorious home slate had they stayed in the Big 12 with West Virgina’s schedule, he dropped a nugget of info in the lead sentence that continues to confound us days later.

Here’s his opening:

Saturday night I’m walking to my car at 21st and R Streets (a long way from Memorial Stadium) when I got to thinking about Nebraska football’s sad relationship with the Big Ten.

Living in Los Angeles, parking will ingrain itself as a major obsession whether you want it to or not. You just can’t help it. So when Omaha World-Herald Staff Writer Dirk Chatelain mentioned he parked all the way down at 21st and R, that got our wheels spinning more than the BS hypothetical situations he was spewing out.

Doesn’t the Omaha World-Herald spring for parking at least in the same ZIP code as Memorial Stadium? You’d think all the web traffic Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain drives could translate into a few perks.

Doesn’t the Husker sports information department provide parking passes for beloved media juggernauts like Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain?

If the Husker sports information department doesn’t dole out parking passes, surely they could provide a shuttle service so that Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain doesn’t have to walk halfway back to Omaha to get his car, right?

Why didn’t Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain simply hail an Uber? By the time he wrapped up his post-game duties, surge pricing would be over meaning his ride would be $5 – 7 at most. And when you factor in not having to pay for a prime parking spot near the stadium, you could even end up saving money with an Uber. But why does that even matter because Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain has a legit expense account, right?

Even if he didn’t want to spend the money, why didn’t Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain pull an Ochocinco and harness the power of his 14,000+ Twtter followers for a ride? One can only imagine the mad rush to pick him up would play out like a fan-made Fast and Furious movie. Who in their right mind wouldn’t burn a little rubber and run a few stop signs for the chance to do Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain a favor on a Saturday night?

But what exactly is around 21st and R streets anyway?
WHERE DIRK PARKS
A look at the Google tells shows us that the intersection of 21st & R doesn’t technically exist.

That means Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain was either being very general with his description or he was being precise and he actually parks in a field far, far away from the stadium for the same reason Patrick Swayze drove a beater in Road House.

Or… a third option… Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain was cunningly feeding the trolls and haters by fibbing all along and doesn’t actually park at 21st and R.

As someone who incited the rage of East Campus for a solid two out of five years during my time at Husker U, I know all too well that motivated angry people will stop at nothing to find you to “have a few words” in real life and can be easily fooled.

Much like Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain name checking his 21st and R parking spot, I once mentioned in print that I loved starting each morning with a spirited run around the state capitol. I can’t remember why I even said I was a avid morning runner but it was a statement that was full of crap.

A week later, a friend who had a class on East Campus called. She was equal parts mortified and amused. Apparently a couple of farmer types in her class were complaining to each other that I was nowhere to be found on the sidewalks ringing the Penis of the Plains.

In other words, they were running a stakeout to find me. Knowing full well how much I was disliked, a vigorous bull dogging would have been the least to expect.

So well played with your fictitious parking spot, Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatlain. Well played.

Here’s hoping you do a drive-by after the Minnesota game and snag a photo of your most loyal readers milling about in a vacant lot with axe handles and lead pipes.

 

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Purdue Or Do Not. There Is No Try.

For the second consecutive year, we’re going to be away from the comforting bosom of our neighborhood watch site on Purdue weekend.

In 2013, the Huskers traveled to West Lafayette and rolled an 1 – 11 Boilermaker team 44 – 7 in a game that was decided well before halftime. It was a great, stress free Saturday, especially the part where I was able to venture out of the tiny bubble of free hotel lobby WiFi and spend the rest of the afternoon lounging on the beach.

This year we’ll be in nestled in the mountains in the new age hippie paradise of Ojai (with a requisite side trip to the nearby premium outlet mall).

In a season where the Huskers have been rolling, the Boilermakers come to Lincoln with a semblance of momentum and the proverbial elephant in the proverbial room looming larger than ever.

That elephant would be the Huskers’ seemingly annual crapping of the bed against a lousy team. With that in mind, Purdue’s visit suddenly adds suspense and anxiety to the mix. It’s like Husker Nation is one big traumatized family on pins and needles when they realize it’s been far too long since dad has come home piss drunk. A Husker meltdown is imminent. It has to be.

Or does it?

Confidence: Like any woman who has ever thought she could change her man,  the Huskers are wearing their new look and attitude well but have the potential to regress back to their old losing habits in a heartbeat. (Then again, that could be the years of psychological damage talking.) If Nebraska can get through this one with a W, they just might have turned a corner for both the season and the program.

Scouting Report: Purdue, the Indiana university that is neither Indiana or Notre Dame, is located in Tippecanoe County. Tippecanoe, as we all know, translates to “place of the succor fish people.” In our hearts, the Boilermakers will always hold a special place for ensuring Kansas State’s dream season of ’98 had a nightmare ending.

KYLE ORTON PURDUEIn Unbeaten: The Life of Brook Berringer, distinguished Purdue alum Kyle Orton explained how he wore number 18 as a tribute to Brook. It’s amazing how one little anecdote can instantly make a guy unhateable.

More seriously though, Purdue is a 3 – 5 team the Huskers can’t treat lightly. A week after Nebraska manhandled Illinois, the Boilermakers bumped off the Illini 38 – 27. They followed that up by playing Michigan State to within a touchdown until Boilermaker QB Austin Appleby threw a game sealing pick six with 1:29 to go.

The pessimist could look at that and conclude that the Spartans aren’t that good and Purdue is better than Nebraska. We’ll go out on that fragile limb of optimism and say Michigan State played poorly because they were still rattled from their oh-so-near miss against the Huskers the week before.

Long story short, Purdue is finally starting to click. Check out Hail Varsity for all the stats to back up that statement. Then again, they’ve also lost to Central Michigan, Notre Dame, Iowa, and Minnesota.

Ideal Scenario: The Huskers cruise into their bye week ahead of their big showdown with Wisconsin. Ameer, Kenny, Tommy and Randy all do their Ameer, Kenny, Tommy and Randy things. I don’t resort to hiding from my wife by holing up in a premium outlet bathroom stall and faking the worst dump of my life just so I can watch a too-close-for-comfort game in relative peace and agony.

Over/Under on Angry Bo Close Ups: 5 — Don’t expect the ABC/ESPN/SEC Network faction to cut him any slack, especially with Ed Cunningham in the broadcast booth.

A Question That Needs an Answer: Will Imani Cross ever score again? He hasn’t notched a touchdown since the Illinois game a month ago.

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Halloween Huskers

With the Huskers busy trying to decide if tight end is a position that  needs to be part of the Red Storm, we took the liberty of coming up with Halloween costume ideas for players and coaches.

Bo Pelini as James Bond

Bo Pelini James Bond
Pelini. Bo Pelini. Maybe it’s their similar haircut and head shape but we’ve always thought Bo could make a good Danial Craig James Bond. We sincerely believe that. This is not an attempt to try and suck up to Bo. Nope. No way.

Kenny Bell as Irwin Maurice Fletcher

Kenny Bell Fletch
Fletch was listed at 6’9″ with his afro so Kenny gives up a little height but his speed would make him a terror around the perimeter. All we ask is that he doesn’t put his Halloween bar tab on the Underhill account. It’s way too late in the season and his career for an NCAA violation.
*Random sad but true story: When I first saw Fletch as a kid, I really thought he played on the Lakers.

Ron Brown as Morpheus

Ron Brown Morpheus
“I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one who must walk though it and accept Jesus in your heart.

Jordan Westerkamp as Bo “Bandit” Darville

Jordan Westerkam Burt Reynolds
Jordan already has the ‘stache. He just needs a cowboy hat and a bad ass 1977 Pontiac Trans Am.

John Papuchis as Igor

John Papuchis vs IgorLike Frankenstein’s monster, this pick is a no-brainer and one that we’ve covered before.

Randy Gregory as Charles Jefferson

Randy Gregory Jefferson
We’re gonna go out on a limb and assume that Randy has never seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High. We’ll also go out on a limb and assume that he’d enjoy going trick-or-treating as the most badass football player in movie history. The game footage between the Ridgemont Wolves and Lincoln High may be horribly dated but we’re pleased to report that the PHOEBE CATES BIKINI SCENE looks as good as ever.

Barney Cotton as Major John D. “Mac” McGillis

Barney Cotton Major Dad
As the sire of three Huskers, it’s safe to say Coach Cotton is a major dad so it’s only fitting he dress as one. Maybe once in costume, he’d get into the character and yell at himself for a while. Or has being perpetually mad at Barney stopped being a thing?

Jake Cotton as Leatherface

Jake Cotton LeatherfaceHe’s got the same vacant expression and hair. All Jake needs is to shop for a chainsaw on sites like thetoolboss.com and he’s good to go as long as he remembers that Halloween is on the 31st. Because going trick-or-treating on the 30th would be a false start.

Ameer Abdullah as Carlton Banks

Ameer Abdullah Carlton
We know Ameer’s got all the right moves on the field but can they fly in stuffy Bel-Air? How meta would it be if Ameer did his own tribute to the Carlton  on Dancing With The Stars 10 – 15 years from now?

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