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The Big Red Fury Guide to Tipping

Welcome to the silly season of Husker football, where any news is news and the tipping habits (or lack thereof) of players can become the scandal of the week.

Husker wide receiver Brandon Reilly did the ol’ tweet n’ delete where he shared some words of wisdom for a server named Trey who apparently a little too vocal about his opinions on the current state of the Big Red for Reilly’s liking.

Brandon Reilly Tweet

Who knows? Maybe Reilly was inspired to tweet his experience based on all those click bait stories about servers getting revenge on those who leave notes on their bills like “Why should I give you 20 percent when I only give Jesus 10?”

(Plug Alert: That’s a classic line from my comic buddy Shawn Halpin. Do yourself a favor and subscribe to his YouTube channel. You’ll be glad you did.)

Anyway, Reilly does bring up a fair point (after all, Trey could have gone so far as to be reading the rantings he posted to HuskerMax aloud to the cheers of the entire restaurant)  but there are a couple things to consider:

1) When you play on the WORST Husker team since 1961, taking some lumps in public goes with the territory. If this kind of season happened on Tom Osborne’s watch, Husker players would need to drive to all the way to Kansas to ensure a spit-free dining experience at Chipotle.

2) Even if Reilly strolled in from practice still wearing his #87 jersey, would he really look all that different from any other Husker fan? Dude’s wearing a helmet every time he appears on TV so it’s not like he’d be the easiest person for Trey to pick out of a line up. And if he actually was decked out in Husker gear, and Trey saw that as green light to start talking about the Huskers, why didn’t Reilly spill the beans that he’s a key part of the offense when Tommy isn’t too busy chucking up interceptions? He could have made a fan for life and maybe even scored some free bread sticks or a complimentary dessert.

In the hopes of avoiding another Tipgate scandal in the future,  here’s a handy guide to tipping based on years of real world experience as a mildly cultured man about town.

Restaurants: ALWAYS TIP. NO MATTER WHAT. 15% should be the bare minimum but try to stretch it to 20. If the service is truly horrible, drop it down to 10.  The last time I was a member of a party that tipped less than 10%, the server proceeded to challenge all 12 of us to a fight in the parking lot and that was the least surprising part of his truly woeful service. Luckily, his manager intercepted, comped our meal, and berated his tweaker employee telling him that no matter how hard he tried, he was not going to get fired so he could stay at home and collect unemployment. Good times.

Bars: A buck a drink is the universal standard. If there’s “mixology” involved, bump it up based on the length of the bartender’s artisanal mustache. If the place is slammed, tip heavy early to speed things up for future rounds but don’t be an ass about it. If you kill an afternoon at a sports bar, toss in a few extra bucks as a small bonus to the server who spent part of their weekend babysitting you. If you happen to be at a Hooters, Twin Peaks, or Tilted Kilt, don’t encourage bad life decisions by tipping any more than usual.

Barber Shops: If you’re a dude, count your blessings that life is so easy for you when it comes to hair care. A $10 tip on simple haircut may sound excessive but consider it a small penance for not being a chick. 

Uber: Did you know Uber drivers rate their passengers the same way their passengers rate them? You don’t have to tip every ride but slide a couple bucks to your driver every few rides to keep your rating up and you’ll never have a problem getting ride at last call on a Saturday night.

Self-Serve Yogurt Shops That Charge By The Ounce: Tip the kid behind the counter a buck. Then go load up on more gummy bears and mochi as you walk out the door.

Your Millennial Friend Who Hooks You Up With Adderall And Assorted Medications That Normally Require A Prescription: Pay whatever he charges but do the hand off at a restaurant and pick up the tab.

Your Masseuse At The Thai Day Spa: $10 for an hour or under. $15 if you go for 90 minutes.  And please note that this is for a legitimate place of business, not a den of hand jobs. However, if on the very off chance you happen to blast out a week’s worth of farts while being contorted in ways you never thought possible, step it up to $20 and never make eye contact with her again.

The Homeless Guy Who Looks Like An Extra From The Walking Dead Who Offers To Watch Your Car While You Go To Some Hip Underground Club In A Sketchy Neighborhood: A couple bucks will keep him from vandalizing your car himself during an acid flashback but a crisp $5 bill will have him ready to fight to the death if another tweaker so much as looks at your car.

Dry Cleaners: Russians know how to remove suspicious blood stains better than anyone so pay accordingly.

Strip Clubs: Make it rain if you have to, get a lap dance or five if you must but try to spend as little extra money as possible. Once you cut through whatever issues that led to them being on pole patrol, you’ll find that at the heart of every dancer is a shrewd, shrewd business woman who will find a way to take all your money.

The Tow Truck Driver About To Tow Your Car Because You Foolishly Thought It Was OK To  Park At A Restaurant While You Go Spend The Next Few Hours At The Ratt Concert Across The Street: Start with $100 and work your way up to $200 if he plays hardball.

If All Else Fails And You Feel Compelled Not To Leave A Tip: At least try to be clever about it.

Brandon Reilly Tip - Fixed

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