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Dirk Calls Husker Program An Escalade. Was That An Insult?

Dirk Chatelain’s long-form biography of Coach Riley is an excellent, well crafted piece and is a must read.

Every word.

Every one sentence paragraph.

There’s no denying the care Dirk used when assembling it. What can we say? Game recognizes game.

However, one line gave us pause.

To quote Dirk: “…the local hero gave up everything he knew and cut a new trail east, trading his cruiser of a program for an Escalade.”

On the surface, the analogy is clear and easy to digest. By making the leap from Oregon State to Nebraska, Coach Riley swapped the key to his humble beach cruiser’s lock for the keys to a four-wheeled intergalactic spaceship of Olive Garden parking lots.

Beach Cruiser vs Escalade
Oregon State on the left. Nebraska on the right.

In the companion video that illustrates Riley’s commute from his former home to Reser Stadium, Dirk says “Riley isn’t much of a car guy, even if it’s the safer form of travel.”

For being such a huge stat-head, Dirk makes a blanket statement that is not at all correct. Bicycling has been statistically proven, time and time again, to be the safest form of transportation with a death rate 15 times lower than driving a car.

Except of course when Cadillac Escalades harass and/or kill cyclists.

Then there’s also the issue with the Escalade having the highest death rate in its own category at over twice the average.

But let’s climb out of the rabbit hole of statistical minutia and take a look at what the Escalade is on the surface.

It’s big.

Nebraska is a big state and Nebraskans are typically considered a big people, (in that strong, husky way of course).

It’s American made.

If you consider the Republic of Texas part of America.

It’s powerful.

Sort of. Weighing in at nearly 6,000 pounds, the Escalade requires a big engine for any semblance of speed, just as long as it doesn’t have to turn. And despite its SUV status, don’t even think about taking on an Oregon Trail-like expedition.

It’s loaded with all kinds of info-taining technologically wizardry.

Just like Memorial Stadium. We’ll overlook the part where Car and Driver calls the Escalade’s system annoying.

Its bench seating is cramped and uncomfortable.
Just like Memorial Stadium.

Its glory years were 2004 – 2007.

While the Escalade had its moment in the sun, Husker football was in the gutter. They both have yet to rebound to where they once were but at least the Huskers haven’t been reduced to being mocked by the New York Times for moonlighting as the heel in a second string Disney movie.

Cad Spinner

Cad-Spinner’s headshot from Planes: Fire and Rescue.

Maybe Dirk isn’t much of a car guy.  Or maybe he used the first analogous vehicle that came to mind. Perhaps an editor thought his piece needed a quick hitter comparison for the simpletons beyond Omaha’s cosmopolitan borders.

We’ll pretend it was the  latter.

It would greatly disappoint us that a writer as sharp as Dirk would leave a ball on the tee with a stout tailwind blowing straight down the pipe of a wide open fairway.

A year after Bob Devaney made his debut on the Memorial Stadium sideline, Dr. Ferdinand Porsche unveiled his new 911 at the 1963 Frankfurt Auto Show.

Bob Devaney 1962 Huskers
Porsche911_1500-700x421Bob Devaney and Ferdinand Porsche embarked on their legacy defining work a only a year apart. The foundations they built are still recognizable to this day.

Ameer Abdullah 2014
2015 Porsche 911
The Huskers’ most recent masterpiece and the 2015 Porsche 911.

Before you get up in arms about the notion of a German car being symbolic of a team as American as the Huskers, think about the country where the bulk of Nebraska’s early pioneers came from.

Now, with that strong German heritage in mind, let’s take a closer look at the iconic 911.

From its 1963 debut through 1989, every year brought new variations and upgrades with many components remaining the same and were interchangeable from year to year.

When Porsche engineers felt they had wrung every last drop of performance out of the existing platform, they started over with a clean slate. The signature look and air cooled, rear engine design remained the same. The next few years that followed were spent working out the kinks of modernization.

By late 1993, another step in the 911’s evolution was taken. Three  decades may have passed but perfection was finally realized. The next five years were a celebration of full potential reached. A car that should have ceased production by the time the 80s rolled around had found new life. A design that pundits had deemed antiquated was thriving and leaving its rivals in the dust in the 90s.

The  historic run would come to an end in the fall of 1998 when the first 911s with liquid cooled engines rolled into dealer showrooms.

One era ends. Another begins.

Does any of that sound eerily similar to the fate of the Huskers?

Boom. Change a single detail and Dirk’s story takes on a whole new historical dimension.

— Bonus content —

While the 911’s history and philosophy meshes almost too perfectly with that of the modern era Huskers, if one single car were to truly epitomize Nebraska football, we’d be inclined to pick this bad boy.

Dodge Viper GTS

The Dodge Viper GTS features a 488 cubic inch V-10 that puts out 450 horsepower the old-fashioned way. This beast has enough torque to rip the capitol off its foundation and isn’t afraid to take a punch in the mouth. Let’s hope Coach Riley found the keys to an unmarked storage shed in his welcome packet. It’s time to release the Kraken.

What car do you think is most symbolic of the Huskers?

Let’s hear ’em.

 

 

 

 

 

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CONTEST: Mike Check – Is It Mike Hill or Mike Riley?

Imagine this very real scenario:

You are strolling a public area in Lincoln or Omaha, say the Haymarket or the Old Market when you notice a slim and fit man with steely eyes and nicely trimmed side hair framing a gloriously reflective chrome dome.

People wave to him, and say, “Hey Mike, how ya doing?”

He replies, “Just fine. Thanks for asking.”

Somebody else shouts, “You ever gonna pick out the rest of your assistant coaches?”

That question only gets a funny stare in return. Then, finally, an answer.  “I think you’ve mistaken me for Mike Riley. I’m Mike Hill.”

Who’s that, you ask?

Before the new “Most Important Man in Nebraska” ever set foot in our great state, his doppelgänger (and first-name-ganger, and birth-year ganger — both men are 61-years-old) Mike Hill was cranking out Oscar-worthy editing jobs for Ron Howard. The two have been working together since the cult classic Night Shift. Classics such as Splash, Cocoon, Parenthood, Backdraft, and The Da Vinci Code  all came together under Hill’s expert sensibility. A Beautiful Mind, Cinderella Man, and Frost/Nixon all garnered Oscar nominations. In 1996, he earned his field’s highest honor when he took home Academy Award for his work on Apollo 13.

For those of you whose eyes are now glazed over from having read an entire paragraph without mention of Husker football, here is a gridiron analogy for you. So accomplished is Mike Hill in his chosen profession that, if he were a college football coach, his team would have played in the BCS Championship in 2002, 2006 and 2009 and would have won a pre-BCS era National Title in 1996.

Not too shabby eh? It’s too bad that Mike Hill is not the current coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers.

Or is he?

You be the judge. We’ve assembled a gallery of photos. Some are of Mike Riley. Others are of Mike Hill. Your job is to pick out which Mike is which.

Please write your answers in the comment box below. All who guess correctly will be entered to win the Grand Prize of…
Sacred Husker Nacho PlateThe Sacred Husker Nacho Plate

This rare, handcrafted gem is a true Big Red Fury heirloom. Our dear mother would kill us if she knew it was up for grabs. The Sacred Husker Nacho Plate is in absolutely pristine condition and would be a marvelous addition to any Husker fan’s collection.

Good luck.

Hill or Riley Round 1 Round 2 Round 3THE FINE PRINT: The winner will be drawn at random among all eligible entries on 12/31/14, unless of course the Holiday Bowl is such a debacle we end up getting blackout drunk and do some very bad things that lead to our incarceration. If that is the case, winner will be drawn upon elease and/or making bail.

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Guest Post: Nick Allen’s Husker Coaching Staff Wish List

Here’s our first ever guest post courtesy of Omaha based stand up comic and huge Husker fan Nick Allen. If you’re in the Big O over the holidays, you can catch Nick at The Funny Bone December 26th – 28th.

Take it away Nick Allen…

As Nebraska Cornhuskers coach Mike Riley puts his staff together, here’s a breakdown where we’re at so far and what we’d like to see. And by we, I mean me, because this is my coaching dream team.

We’ll begin with the confirmed hires:

Defensive Assistant Mark Banker
Has never surrendered 56 unanswered points to Wisconsin.
Trusted confidant of new Head Coach Mike Riley (just typing Mike Riley again to get used to it).
Has never given up 70 points to Wisconsin.
Mark Banker
Editor’s note:  Let’s not forget he held Wisconsin to 35 yards rushing in 2012. And that wasn’t just on a single play but the ENTIRE game.
Editor’s note: Dude looks like Mark Harmon!
Editor’s note: Never forget that Mark Harmon beat the Huskers.

LB Coach Trent Bray
Tough to take a guy named Trent seriously but let’s give Riley the benefit of the doubt.
Probably got laid pretty easily in Corvallis (OSU hero), but left that behind for the uncharted waters of Lincoln.
Has never been a golf coach.
Trent Bray

OL Coach Mike Cavanaugh
Gnarly old/slightly overweight white dude.
More rock of the earth than salt of the earth.
Swears repeatedly on OSU promoted coaching clip.

QB Whisperer Mike Riley
Track record of sending QB’s that no one can name to the NFL.
An actual QB coach.
An actual QB coach.
Mike Riley

Secondary Coach Charlton Warren
Only confirmed retention of Pelini’s staff.
Good recruiter.
Hated Pelini’s fake cat.
Could probably land the team jet in case the crew gets sick from the in-flight meal.
Captain Charlton Warren

Special Teams Coordinator Bruce Reed
Currently building his own office.
Already has a huge man crush on De’Mornay Pierson-El.
Hopefully has the stones to block a kick or two.
BRUCEREAD-OSU

Filling out the rest of the staff:

Athletic Director Shawn Eichorst says resources are not an issue. This list assumes that is true.

Defensive Coordinator Mike Ditka
Leader of the 1985 Chicago Bears.
Politics aren’t as bad as Ron Brown‘s
Proves that while you may need a pill to get your dick up, if you have a legit mustache you’re never a pussy.
Mike Ditka

Defensive Line Coach Ndamukong Suh
Single-handedly cost Colt McCoy the Heisman Trophy.

Stomped on the opposing coach’s kid while rumbling for a touchdown.

The Blackshirts need an attitude.
He’s a free agent at the end of the season.

Offensive Coordinator Bill Callahan
Head Coach of a Super Bowl team. Granted, it was a game mired in controversy but you live and learn, right?
Called Oklahoma fans “fucking hillbillies.”
Message boards would explode.
Bill Callahan

Wide Receivers Coach Terrell Owens (T.O. 2.0)
Great receiver.
Needs the money.
Makes Mike Riley less boring.
Could probably still play the college level.
Terrell Owens

Running Backs Coach Christian Okoye
The Nigerian Nightmare looks good in red.
Won a collegiate hammer throwing title.
Brings serious Tecmo Bowl clout.

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In Bashing Pelini On Class, Omaha World-Herald Shows None

Dear Omaha World-Herald:

You got the exclusive, you got your story. It’s over. Stop beating the dead horse. Stop dancing on the grave. For your own good and your remaining credibility, drop the mic and walk away.

Or, you could fire off the same tweets over and over and over again.

Since unveiling the actual audio recording last night, this is what your twitter feed has looked like.

All “rules” about Twitter both written and unspoken have apparently been thrown out the window.

Look at your time stamps, three tweets in three minutes?

Three ICYMI tweets in the span of four hours?

Do y’all need a social media coach?  Believe it or not, that has become a very real profession and it looks like you could stand to use a lot of help.

For the love of Bob Devaney, just let it go, Omaha World-Herald.

It was painful but even Rose was able to let Jack’s corpse fall to the bottom of the Atlantic.

Titanic Jack And RoseJust let it go, Omaha World-Herald. Just let it go.

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An Omaha World-Herald Twitter Account Has Lost Its Mind

Think all this Husker news is too much to handle? Try being a Twitter account administered by the Omaha World-Herald.

Every time I’ve looked at Twitter today, I’ve had this uneasy feeling that I was losing my damn mind. Tweets I knew I had read were somehow back in my feed once again.

Then I realized the reason why I was seeing double is because @OWHbigred has been tweeting double.

Sometimes there are slow news days and there are news days so big you gotta tweet it twice.

 

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