Tag Archives: Omaha World-Herald

Is Foltz Burglar Scott L. Davis America’s Dumbest Criminal?

It certainly didn’t take long for Scott L. Davis, the criminal mastermind “alleged” to have robbed the home and vehicle of Jordan Foltz, to be apprehended by the long arm of the York County Sheriff’s Department.

As you may have already guessed, the quotation marks around alleged up above are fully sarcastic because what is known about Mr. Davis so far does not paint the picture of a man who would ever be described as the sharpest knife in a drawer, even if he was the only knife in the drawer.

Let’s break it all down, shall we?

According to a rough timeline of events published by the Omaha World-Herald, Davis was pulled over in York County sometime between midnight and 1am Sunday morning on suspicion of driving under the influence.

Jordan Foltz  would discover that he had been robbed when he arrived back home in Greeley around 3am.

Based on Google Maps, it’s about an hour and 45 minutes from York to Greeley so Jordan and Davis didn’t miss each other by much and they very well could have crossed paths.

Going back to Davis, here’s how we know his day went down.

At around 5pm back in Greeley (population 466), a resident noticed a green Buick Regal pulling out of the Foltz driveway.

I mean, if you’re going to burglarize a place, shouldn’t you at least wait until after the sun goes down? And maybe even park your getaway car around the block instead of in the driveway, where it’s out in plain sight for all of Foltz’s neighbors to see?

But then again, I’m not a criminal mastermind like Davis. Striking under the cover of darkness is clearly for amateurs. The pro-move is to do it in the middle of the day because if you don’t act suspicious, you’re not going to look suspicious.

Except for that part where you’re a stranger with a strange car (without license plates) entering a house in a town where everyone knows each other and everyone knows the people who live in that house are out of town.

Nope. Wouldn’t raise any red flags at all.

A few hours pass. Maybe Davis spent some quality time with his girlfriend and her Greeley family?

Or maybe they hit the road immediately after the big heist but were lured off the highway by Nitecrawlers Bar in scenic Worms, NE and pounded a few pitchers of victory beers?

Because how else are you going to explain getting so blasted that you can’t drive in a straight line on the straightest stretch of Interstate in the known universe?

All you have to do is set the cruise control at 65mph, make sure your headlights are on and keep the front end pointed away from the corn. It is not that difficult.

But apparently it was a task far too formidable for Davis to handle.

Scott L Davis Crime SpreeThe blue line shows the route from Davis’ listed residence of Lennox, SD to Greeley. The red line shows how far he made it before he got busted.

The greatest irony all when it comes to Davis getting popped for a DUI in York County is that he had been cited for the exact same offense in York County when he was an 18-year-old back in 1997.

What he was doing in Nebraska back then, who knows?

But now, nearly 20 years later, he found himself in the same place. There he was. Swerving down the open road in his Buick Regal (again, no license plates, not at all suspicious to cops), his girlfriend at his side and a carload of stolen treasures that included a gas can with the name Foltz inscribed upon it.

Not to get too deep into the psychology of the criminally inept but what do you think the chances are that Davis regaled his girlfriend with the story of his 1997 arrest while they approached York County in his 1998 Regal?

I’d say pretty good.

A man can learn a lot after being out in the world for 20 years. The school of life is a wonderful teacher.

Then again, a man can prove that he has learned absolutely nothing by getting pinched for the exact same charge in the exact same spot decades later.

Scott L. Davis has only been in our lives for barely a day and I am so fascinated by him. His sliver of life that we’ve been privy to is like the best worst episode of COPS ever.

In fact, his life is so tragic on a small depressing scale that you can almost see his recent crime spree playing out as a grandiose fantasy in which he’s Robert De Niro in Heat and York County is his Waingro.

Like De Niro, Davis was so close to pulling it off and making a clean getaway but ego got the best of him and he had get his revenge on York County by buzzing that big hot air balloon looking water tower completely shit-faced.

I’ve never read the criminal handbook but I assume the title for chapter one is: “Don’t Get Caught.”

And the title for chapter two is probably: “Don’t Get Caught Committing a Crime That’s Unrelated to the Crime You’re Currently Committing.”

It takes a special kind of genius to get caught the way Davis did. In fact, you could say it takes the kind of genius who once nearly cut off his own finger and shared their gaping wound on Facebook.

Scott L Davis Mangled Finger

If you want to see the uncensored version, you can visit Davis’ Facebook page but he probably won’t be able to respond to any friend requests for the next few years.


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Sunday Afternoon Hot Takes: Rutgers Edition

When the Huskers jumped out to a 21 – 0 lead over Rutgers, all was finally feeling right in Husker Nation. Our watch site that had been so tense for so many weeks finally felt like a nice, relaxing place to spend a Saturday afternoon. It was a very welcome change of pace and many laughs and assorted good times were being had.

Then Tommy Armstrong had to go and chuck up enough YOLO BOMBS to make the game a momentary nail biter.

And somewhere out there, Taylor Martinez had to smile knowing that he had taught his young Padawan so well.

All in, it was refreshing to see the Huskers mostly cruise to their first stress-free win in since playing at Minnesota nearly a month ago. Now all that’s left is to wreck to Iowa’s dream season unless the Hawkeyes don’t wreck it themselves first.

On with the hot takes…

Ex-Bo Friend Update

Bo Pelini went on a little rampage yesterday as his Youngstown State Penguins couldn’t hold a 17 point lead against North Dakota State. It was a loss that effectively ended the Penguin’s chance at the postseason. Naturally, the Omaha World-Herald couldn’t contain its glee and nearly forgot there was a Husker game to cover.

Nice of the World-Herald to use a photo from Youngstown State’s game at South Dakota as click bait for their home game against North Dakota State.

Not to even going to try to defend or justify Bo’s actions but Youngstown State did get jobbed on the pass interference call. One can only hope his latest sideline detonation is all part of his master plan to become the next pitchman for Xanax.

Some gifs just because…

Bo-and-Carl
One can only assume Carl has had counseling since the last time he stalked a sideline with his brother. He walked away like a champ.

Anrgy-Bo-1
This is exactly where Pelini reached peak rage.

Angry-Bo2
And Bo couldn’t say no to coming back for a second helping.

Our Score Prediction

Chewbacca Predicts Rutgers Score
We said Huskers 38, Rutgers 10. Totally would have nailed the 38 if it weren’t for Josh Kalu’s fumble return that was wiped off the board.

Mike Riley’s Balloon Watch

   Mike Riley Balloon Watch Rutgers
While there were few hiccups, Riley was not hungover from Michigan State.

NUMBERS TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH

2: The Huskers are now riding their first win streak of the season.

12: With his trio of INTs against Rutgers, Tommy Armstrong has already tied his total from last season with 12.  It will be interesting to see how his final stats shake up. Aside from a huge drop in rushing yardage, he’s nearly identical to 2014.

30:01/29:59: The Huskers ended the game with a two second time of possession advantage over Rutgers. Kooky.

98/90: Imani Cross followed up the signature performance of his Husker career against Michigan State by tacking on another 90 yards at Rutgers. While Cross has broken the century mark once in each of his previous three seasons, he’s never had back-to-back games with as many rushing yards.

Check this out…

2014: 109 yards against Illinois. Did not play the following week against Michigan State. In his next two games after than, he ran for 14 yards against Northwestern and 28 against Rutgers.

2013: 105 yards to open the season against Wyoming. That performance was followed up with 14 against Southern Miss and 19 against UCLA.

2012: Cross had his first 100 yard game at the expense of Idaho State but did not play the following week in the Huskers’ comeback against Wisconsin. Then at Ohio State, he rushed for 13 and followed that up with 3 and 4 against Northwestern and Michigan.

Here’s hoping Imani gets his yearly 100 yard game when Iowa comes to Lincoln.

167: How many more yards Jordan Westerkamp needs to become the Huskers’ first 1,000 yard receiver. Might be a good time for him go through the hassle of being able to order Domino’s via pizza emoji so he can start buttering up his roommate Tommy Armstrong.

If you’ve never heard, those dudes live together.

And if you’re a regular reader, there’s a good chance we used that as a closer before.

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Dirk Squirts: Dirk Chatelain’s Huevos Are Bigger Than Yours

Welp. It certainly didn’t take long for Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain to earn himself a mention around these parts.

We swear, our game plan going into a season filled with such hope and optimism was to leave the guy alone. Besides, what nits could Dirk find to pick on a team lead by a soft spoken guy who can’t stop smiling and hasn’t even played a single down?

That we even had pondered that thought shows us just how much we underestimated the power of Dirk.

Because the dude called a Black Flash 41 Reverse of his own and paid an unannounced visit to Bo Pelini.

In Youngstown, Ohio.

On his literal home turf.

And he lived to tell about it.

no-marbles-o

Never again will we ever doubt the size of Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain’s marbles.

His stones know no peer.

No ranchero can contain his heuvos.

Forget Bruce, Dirk’s spirit animal is the late, great Bon Scott.

From everything we’ve heard, Youngstown is Ohio’s version Jasper, Missouri and the fact that Dirk strolled into town and didn’t end up scattered around Youngstown Auto Wrecking (you may know it as Ohio’s largest salvage yard) is a testament to just how far we’ve come as a society when a person no longer wields enough power to make someone disappear for good.

And kudos to Dirk for handling the whole incident like a boss. It’s like he took our advice to heed and did one better by going full Travis Bickle with truly next level stalking. The most amazing aspect is how he kept his visit completely under wraps until dropping yesterday’s bombshell. There were no spy photos tweeted out from his rental car showing Pelini at mid-field and he didn’t strap a Go-Pro to his head to secretly record the meeting .

Homer and Apu Spy Camera
In this illustrated example, Dirk is played by Homer and Pelini is played by Apu.

Dirk simply strolled onto the Shaw Sportexe PowerBlade HP+ turf at Stambaugh Stadium like the Pope of Chili Town and did what no other member of the Nebraska sports media had the stones to do.

Now, Dirk, if you could only learn to drop the mic and move on with your day, that would help boost your reputation as a neck snapper and a check casher immensely.

These lame Twitter spats are doing your burgeoning street cred no favors.

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Dirk Calls Husker Program An Escalade. Was That An Insult?

Dirk Chatelain’s long-form biography of Coach Riley is an excellent, well crafted piece and is a must read.

Every word.

Every one sentence paragraph.

There’s no denying the care Dirk used when assembling it. What can we say? Game recognizes game.

However, one line gave us pause.

To quote Dirk: “…the local hero gave up everything he knew and cut a new trail east, trading his cruiser of a program for an Escalade.”

On the surface, the analogy is clear and easy to digest. By making the leap from Oregon State to Nebraska, Coach Riley swapped the key to his humble beach cruiser’s lock for the keys to a four-wheeled intergalactic spaceship of Olive Garden parking lots.

Beach Cruiser vs Escalade
Oregon State on the left. Nebraska on the right.

In the companion video that illustrates Riley’s commute from his former home to Reser Stadium, Dirk says “Riley isn’t much of a car guy, even if it’s the safer form of travel.”

For being such a huge stat-head, Dirk makes a blanket statement that is not at all correct. Bicycling has been statistically proven, time and time again, to be the safest form of transportation with a death rate 15 times lower than driving a car.

Except of course when Cadillac Escalades harass and/or kill cyclists.

Then there’s also the issue with the Escalade having the highest death rate in its own category at over twice the average.

But let’s climb out of the rabbit hole of statistical minutia and take a look at what the Escalade is on the surface.

It’s big.

Nebraska is a big state and Nebraskans are typically considered a big people, (in that strong, husky way of course).

It’s American made.

If you consider the Republic of Texas part of America.

It’s powerful.

Sort of. Weighing in at nearly 6,000 pounds, the Escalade requires a big engine for any semblance of speed, just as long as it doesn’t have to turn. And despite its SUV status, don’t even think about taking on an Oregon Trail-like expedition.

It’s loaded with all kinds of info-taining technologically wizardry.

Just like Memorial Stadium. We’ll overlook the part where Car and Driver calls the Escalade’s system annoying.

Its bench seating is cramped and uncomfortable.
Just like Memorial Stadium.

Its glory years were 2004 – 2007.

While the Escalade had its moment in the sun, Husker football was in the gutter. They both have yet to rebound to where they once were but at least the Huskers haven’t been reduced to being mocked by the New York Times for moonlighting as the heel in a second string Disney movie.

Cad Spinner

Cad-Spinner’s headshot from Planes: Fire and Rescue.

Maybe Dirk isn’t much of a car guy.  Or maybe he used the first analogous vehicle that came to mind. Perhaps an editor thought his piece needed a quick hitter comparison for the simpletons beyond Omaha’s cosmopolitan borders.

We’ll pretend it was the  latter.

It would greatly disappoint us that a writer as sharp as Dirk would leave a ball on the tee with a stout tailwind blowing straight down the pipe of a wide open fairway.

A year after Bob Devaney made his debut on the Memorial Stadium sideline, Dr. Ferdinand Porsche unveiled his new 911 at the 1963 Frankfurt Auto Show.

Bob Devaney 1962 Huskers
Porsche911_1500-700x421Bob Devaney and Ferdinand Porsche embarked on their legacy defining work a only a year apart. The foundations they built are still recognizable to this day.

Ameer Abdullah 2014
2015 Porsche 911
The Huskers’ most recent masterpiece and the 2015 Porsche 911.

Before you get up in arms about the notion of a German car being symbolic of a team as American as the Huskers, think about the country where the bulk of Nebraska’s early pioneers came from.

Now, with that strong German heritage in mind, let’s take a closer look at the iconic 911.

From its 1963 debut through 1989, every year brought new variations and upgrades with many components remaining the same and were interchangeable from year to year.

When Porsche engineers felt they had wrung every last drop of performance out of the existing platform, they started over with a clean slate. The signature look and air cooled, rear engine design remained the same. The next few years that followed were spent working out the kinks of modernization.

By late 1993, another step in the 911’s evolution was taken. Three  decades may have passed but perfection was finally realized. The next five years were a celebration of full potential reached. A car that should have ceased production by the time the 80s rolled around had found new life. A design that pundits had deemed antiquated was thriving and leaving its rivals in the dust in the 90s.

The  historic run would come to an end in the fall of 1998 when the first 911s with liquid cooled engines rolled into dealer showrooms.

One era ends. Another begins.

Does any of that sound eerily similar to the fate of the Huskers?

Boom. Change a single detail and Dirk’s story takes on a whole new historical dimension.

— Bonus content —

While the 911’s history and philosophy meshes almost too perfectly with that of the modern era Huskers, if one single car were to truly epitomize Nebraska football, we’d be inclined to pick this bad boy.

Dodge Viper GTS

The Dodge Viper GTS features a 488 cubic inch V-10 that puts out 450 horsepower the old-fashioned way. This beast has enough torque to rip the capitol off its foundation and isn’t afraid to take a punch in the mouth. Let’s hope Coach Riley found the keys to an unmarked storage shed in his welcome packet. It’s time to release the Kraken.

What car do you think is most symbolic of the Huskers?

Let’s hear ’em.

 

 

 

 

 

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Hot Carl Take: Come Live With Us, Uncle Carl

The Omaha World-Herald must be warming up for next week’s Kick a Ginger Day with  Kick a Pelini day by reporting (and repeatedly tweeting) that Carl Pelini will not be considered to be the head coach of Des Moines Lincoln High School, a job for which Carl submitted his resume.

And if you believe unsubstantiated tweets, the Des Moines job was Carl’s third strike on the high school coaching search.

Poor guy wants to get back into the coaching game and he’s being treated like someone who’s been given a court order to not go anywhere near a school full of children.

Carl Pelini Stink Finger

Luckily, we have a plan.

Uncle Carl, you can come live with us.

Right here at Big Red Fury Headquarters.

We have a guest room (with its own bathroom), the fridge is always stocked with good beer, we have all the cable channels (except Cinemax) along with Netflix, Amazon Prime and Hulu Plus, and get this, from our front door, we are a mere 340 yards from the football field at Los Angeles High.

Maybe as part of your job search you saw that LA High rebounded from a dismal 1 – 9 season a year ago to win this year’s Division III City Section Championship?

Yes, a school with over 2,000 students is considered Division III in LA.

While LA High might be the oldest and one of the most distinguished high school in Southern California, its glory days are fading fast. With the LAUSD dropout rate currently at 44% (that’s an improvement, BTW), a premium isn’t exactly placed on extra-curricular activities at public schools.

In fact, the only way I know of LA High’s recent success is because they splurged on temporary lights for this year’s playoffs.

I assumed the field being lit up on a Friday night was due to being used for a movie shoot  but the roar of the crowd told otherwise. So like a moth to a flame, I made the one block hike to experience my first ever Roman football game.

This was the scene:

Friday Night Light
There’s nothing like the thrill of high school football under the Friday night light.

COLD FANS
LA High fans bundled up in November just like any other fans. The only exception- it was 60 degrees at kickoff.

LA HIGH DJ
The Marching Romans had the night off but a DJ kept the crowd going.

IMG_2873
On the field, the Romans’ powerful rushing attack paved the way to the City Section Championship at the Coliseum.

Uncle Carl, what we saw that night was football at its finest. It was simply football for the sake of football. Playing on a dusty and beaten field under the shadow of goal posts made from 2x4s, the LA High kids showed an amazing amount of grit, determination, and pride.

A lot of that is owed to the Romans’ new coach, Eric Scott. Like yourself, Scott hit a couple bumps in the road and found a new start at LA High, turning around both himself and the program. With you on his staff, there’s no doubt Roman Empire would soar to new heights.

Plus, when your squad isn’t practicing, you can work on your novel in the library and soak up the vibes of Ray Bradbury and Charles Bukowski, two of LA High’s distinguished alumni.

You can see the requirements to be a Volunteer Coach here.

LA HIGH VOLUNTEER COACHING REQUIREMENTS
Please note: I know a guy who knows a guy who can take care of any issues with your fingerprints. A TB test is a scan for Tuberculosis, it is not a check for a new social disease. I’ll do my best to find out exactly what kind of conduct is on that “Code of Conduct.”

If you’re still not sold, here’s one last carrot with which to temp you.

JUMBOS CLOWN ROOM

Jumbo’s Clown Room might not look like much during the day but at night it transforms to the Second Happiest Place on Earth. You think you had a wild time in Florida? Spend a couple nights with me at Jumbo’s. Every single visit is like a hand job for the mind. I might even be able to rally Lemmy (yes, that Lemmy) to help give you a proper welcome to the City of Angels.

What do you think, Uncle Carl?

Give the word and I’ll start sucking up to my wife.

 

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Our Top 25 Google Search Terms

How do you Google?

Thanks to the wonderful powers of magic, it’s easy to see exactly how some of you have used the Google when it comes to finding this little corner of the Husker internet. Most searches were bland and normal, some were a little crazy, and a few are worth immortalizing.

These are the top 25 Google searches that have lead people to Big Red Fury.

25. husker fanny pack

Husker Fanny Pack
Pity the fool who got one of these for Christmas.

24. scott frost girlfriend

Don’t know who Scott is currently dating but on more than a few occasions I did witness him cruising for chicks in his Wood River letterman jacket at the Conestoga Mall way back in the day.

23. mike riley affair

Wait… what? Does Coach Riley have a secret sidepiece a la Frank Solich?

22. tim miles dumb

Tim Miles

After this week’s loss against Iowa, Coach Miles is probably more frustrated than dumb.

21. wisconsion badger racoon selfie

Have you ever seen so much confusion in only four words? There may be two Os in Goose but there’s only one O in Wisconsin. We’ll just leave it at that.

20. selfie de old yeller

Not to sound like a broken record but have you ever seen so much confusion in only four words?

19. faux pelini knock knock joke about new head coach

If you have to turn to the Google to find a knock-knock joke that was made on the Twitter, how are you able to even dress yourself in the morning? This search was so bizarre Faux had to know about it.

Faux Pelini Knock Knock Joke Twitter

18. nebraska cornhuskers suck

Hey now.

17. dirk chatelin writer omaha world herals paper

From this point forward, the World-Herald will now be referred to as the World-Herals and Dirk Chatelin is the evil twin of Dirk Chatelain.

16.  usc song girls at the holiday bowl

15. holiday bowl usc cheerleaders

14. usc song girls holiday bowl

13. holiday bowl 2014 song girls

12. song girls usc nebraska

When in doubt, boobs in sweaters get the page views. Every time. Thank you for reading this far. Song Girls are your reward.

USC SONG GIRLS

USC SONG GIRL DIVING BOARD

11. analysis of the bad news bears

Bad News Bears - Open Liquor in the Car

Uh OK. Through the lens of 2015, the original Bad News Bears is a wonderful time capsule, capturing a bygone era where causal racism, drunk driving, and beating kids in public were all socially acceptable. Its underlying theme of valuing fun over competition and doing the best you can remains true to this day.

10. forum huskermax www tunnel walk shame

After a long season, all Husker sites start looking alike.

9. gif jake cotton knocked over by jedi husker

Poor guy will never live that down.

8. which husker player recorded bo meeting

That’s a secret we’d all love to know. Maybe the Omaha World-Herals’ Dirk Chatelin will tell us some day.

7. bear riding a shark

Bear Riding a Shark

Seriously. This one warms the cockles of my heart so much.

6. mike riley gotta make dur

Mike Riley gotta make dur what? Big bucks? Playoffs? Dur-licious tacos?

5. mike riley is full of shit

I respectfully disagree. Coach Riley seems like a very nice and sincere guy.

4. is ron brown going to be able to stay coaching at ne after peleni let go

You very easily could have been reading a list of the top 25 Google searches for Ron Brown. This was by far the best.

3. does bo pelini hate dirk chatelain

Think we all know the answer to that one.

2. is bo pelini on the cusp

How little did we know.

1. peace out bitches pelini

What do you think Pelini is up to right now? Not trolling. Just curious.

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In Bashing Pelini On Class, Omaha World-Herald Shows None

Dear Omaha World-Herald:

You got the exclusive, you got your story. It’s over. Stop beating the dead horse. Stop dancing on the grave. For your own good and your remaining credibility, drop the mic and walk away.

Or, you could fire off the same tweets over and over and over again.

Since unveiling the actual audio recording last night, this is what your twitter feed has looked like.

All “rules” about Twitter both written and unspoken have apparently been thrown out the window.

Look at your time stamps, three tweets in three minutes?

Three ICYMI tweets in the span of four hours?

Do y’all need a social media coach?  Believe it or not, that has become a very real profession and it looks like you could stand to use a lot of help.

For the love of Bob Devaney, just let it go, Omaha World-Herald.

It was painful but even Rose was able to let Jack’s corpse fall to the bottom of the Atlantic.

Titanic Jack And RoseJust let it go, Omaha World-Herald. Just let it go.

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Vaya con dios, Bo Pelini. Shine On You Crazy Diamond.

To the surprise of everyone and no one, Bo Pelini planted one last parting gift during his final meeting with his former Husker team.

While his final soliloquy reads like a scorched earth rant rivaling the final shoot out in the Wild Bunch, the actual recording (listen here) reveals a surprisingly measured and rational Pelini who almost sounds Osborne-like, except for the unfortunate c-word dropping instead of a folksy dag-nab-it.

It was no doubt a calculated and deliberate move by the Omaha World-Herald to release the recording hours after the transcript, which allowed plenty of time for pitchforks to be sharpened and tar to be warmed and don’t-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out columns to be written.

Granted, there’s always the chance it took the World-Herald a solid eight hours to figure out a way to upload audio onto their site as they have a history of not being the most technically capable crew.

If you don’t think what they did was intentional, notice how Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain stayed up past midnight (the time stamps on his tweets are PT) to defend his work to those important enough to warrant a response.

Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain doesn’t like it when national writers with 10x the audience poo-poo his exclusives.

According to the logic of Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain, Bo was still an employee of a state university despite being fired and if the meeting was held at a private school, nothing would have been revealed.

Former kicker Pat Smith (thanks again for winning the Penn State game!)  feels the same way.

OK, let’s get back to Bo.

Could he have taken the the proverbial high road and kept things classy during his final meeting? Yes.

But is Bo a guy a who has proven himself to be a classy (in the buttoned up Nebraska way) kind of guy? Not exactly.

He’s always struck me as the sort who’d go play pinball just to get pissed off. (Even if you get on a roll, you never leave a pinball table a winner.)

Pelini’s hair trigger temper and fiery demeanor, while out of place in Nebraska, is borderline normal behavior in certain parts of the country. Get stuck in an elevator for 10 minutes with someone from Pittsburgh, Boston, or Providence and you’ll learn 38 new swear words by the time the doors open.

In his mind, his exit speech was A-OK. And you gotta give the guy some kudos for having the stones to say what he really had on his mind and strutting across a burning bridge with a take this job and shove it attitude. For many people in stuck in miserable jobs, a move like that was a fantasy come to life.

Pelini’s time in the Cornhusker State has always reminded me of The Experts, a movie that was the absolute rock bottom of John Travolta’s career, Wild Hogs included.  The premise is that two hip New Yorkers go to Nebraska to help open a night club. Turns out Travolta and his buddy were roofied and whisked to communist Russia where a secret Mayberry-like town that grooms spies is in need of an update with 1990 fast approaching.

If there’s one thing that stupid movie got right about “Nebraska,” it’s the way the locals closely watch an outsider’s every move. (Yes, that is a broad, generalizing stereotype but there is some decent truth to it- especially if you’ve ever been chased out of a neighboring town. Looking at you, Hastings.)

With Pelini on his way back to his people, it’s time to bring his story to a close and move on for good. He got his final shot, Dirk got his and we innocent bystanders got one hell of a show.

Bo Pelini Holding a Baby
No matter what, we’ll always have the good times.

Best of luck, Bo. We sincerely mean that. Come hell or high water, you are man who sticks to what you believe in and stay loyal till the end. Those are two traits that are hard to hate on.

Here’s hoping Jim Tressel gives you plenty of hugs and invites you to lunch on the reg. And may your loving wife find it in her heart to un-cockblock you before this decade is over.

The c-word.

Really?

You had to go there?

One final note: can the secret recordings please come to an end under Mike Riley? That is a spineless and dickless move. If you’ve got a secret to tell the world, take the advice of this semi-anonymous blog and man up and share it yourself.

Or better yet, have the integrity to recognize that if you’re trusted with a secret, honor that trust and don’t tell it.

In the immortal words of the Wu-Tang Clan, word is bond.

And snitches get stitches.

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An Open Letter to Dirk Chatelain

Dear Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain-

Congratulations on your success in chasing Bo Pelini out of Memorial Stadium. After several years and countless hours of compiling damning stats and crafting easy-to-digest hyperbole, your hard work has paid finally off.  A head coach kill is a most impressive notch for your fanny pack.

You earned it so don’t be shy about showing it off.

We know Pelini probably wasn’t the easiest or friendliest subject to cover but we always tried to give his gruffness both on and off the field the benefit of the doubt. When your job description entails getting young men who are essentially indentured servants to put their personal well being on the line and beat the shit out of other indentured servants, you’re bound to have a personality quirk or five.

But we’re not here to talk about Pelini’s personality, Dirk.

We’re here to talk about yours.

Dirk, if you are actually reading this, your blood is likely working its way up to a boil right now. Or, you could prove our baseless assumptions wrong and be chuckling to yourself.

Either way, please bear with us.

We’re about to drop some real talk.

In the days or weeks leading up to Shawn Eichorst naming the next head coach of the Huskers, you have a golden opportunity to go back to the drawing board and formulate a plan to get to the proverbial next level.

It’s time to stop being the Dirk who topples a program and divides a fan base with a million tiny paper cuts and become the Dirk who wields his keyboard like a motherfucking Hanzo Sword.

Dirk, if you were a professional wrestler, the honest truth is that in your current state, you’d be a mid-level heel. We spent a solid 20 minutes deep in the Wikipedia rabbit hole trying to pinpoint the perfect wrestler you most resemble but couldn’t think of one. The best we can come up with is the framework of a heel whose signature move would be sticking their opponent with a foreign object and then cowering behind the ref. The foundation is there but there’s no personality.

However, that can be fixed.

Without a shred of doubt, we know who we want you to be. We know who you should be. We know who you can be.

The Rowdy Roddy Piper of Husker journalists.

Think about the first time you ever laid eyes on Piper as a kid. You hated him, right? Hated him hard for a long time. But how do you feel about the Hot Rod today? Looking back he was really the best, wasn’t he? He was a man ahead of his time and set a bar that will never be eclipsed.

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Make this man your spirit animal, Dirk.

Even if the Huskers’ new coach is a product of Weapon X fusing Vince Lombardi, Tom Osborne, Bear Bryant, and Mike Ditka into one unstoppable coaching hydra, go ahead and set the tone by firing off a Tweet to this effect when he’s announced.

“Welcome to the Huskers, (insert name of incredible new coach). You’re in my world now.”

Then go radio silent until his first press conference. Let the people wonder what happened. Let them keep checking back for more. Some will notice you dumped the Springsteen call out in your Twitter bio in favor of I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick Husker coaching ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.

Then, his welcome press conference is when you strike by delivering verbal coconuts to his dome like he’s Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

“What’s your plan for getting 11 wins, coach?”

“You really think that’s a good decision? Have you seen the players your predecessor recruited?

“How are you going to handle every person in the state, including me, telling you how to do your job every single day you’re here?”

“You’re getting paid a lot of money to win conference championships on the reg. If you don’t, will you give any of it back?”

“Hey Eichorst, what kind of Athletic Director are you if you couldn’t get (insert name of incredible new coach) to agree to a contract with a negative bonus structure?”

A press conference like that would set the tone for a new era, especially if it ended with you belt whipping the new coach with your fanny pack.

Everyone would know there’s a new Sheriff in Husker Town.

And his name is Dirk.

Your mentions on Twitter and your in-box no doubt serve as an excellent focus group. It’s clear you have several fans and many haters but you know what? They’re all reading your work.

And at the end of the day it’s all about being entertained.

Come on, Dirk. Do it.

Give the people what they didn’t know they wanted.

No more half-assed apologies when you go over the line. Move over the line and thrive in that uncharted territory.

It’s time for the humble little troll to become a fire breathing dragon.

 

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An Omaha World-Herald Twitter Account Has Lost Its Mind

Think all this Husker news is too much to handle? Try being a Twitter account administered by the Omaha World-Herald.

Every time I’ve looked at Twitter today, I’ve had this uneasy feeling that I was losing my damn mind. Tweets I knew I had read were somehow back in my feed once again.

Then I realized the reason why I was seeing double is because @OWHbigred has been tweeting double.

Sometimes there are slow news days and there are news days so big you gotta tweet it twice.

 

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