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Nick Allen’s Bold Husker Predictions for 2019

It’s almost football season. THANK GOD IT’S ALMOST FOOTBALL SEASON. The Nebraska Cornhuskers start the season Saturday. Scott Frost and a bunch of kids, many of whom are not old enough to legally purchase alcohol, embark on a season full of high hopes and exceeded expectations.

They deserve both.

Of course hopes are high. It’s Nebraska. It’s almost football season. Fucking Huskers baby. BLACKSHIRTS. Go for two. You get it. Football’s the best. And Nebraska can be too. Has been before. Will be again. This year? Who knows. Probably not but they’re lifting weights now. Have been for a couple of years. Some coaching and some weight lifting?? Shiiiiit. Watch out. BIG RED BABY. The offense will be good/great. ADRIAN MARTINEZ. The line will be better. Young dudes figuring it out. Better every week. The BLACKSHIRTS, led by a band of brothers up front, will begin to assert dominance and lay waste by the end of the year. Playoffs. Championships. Wins. Soon. But now?? Time will tell.

Here’s the best case scenario: 🍿🍿🍿

8/31 – South Alabama Finally a football game. Huskers by 40.

Photographic evidence that the South Alabama Jaguars have fans.

9/7 – @Colorado – 62 – 36. Never forget. Frost remembers. NU by three scores.

These ladies will be the only Colorado fans inside Folsom Field when the Sea of Red comes to town and that’s only because they their Jitterbug Phones couldn’t download the StubHub app.

9/14 – Northern Illinois Ooof. Bad memories. Huskers get caught taking it for granted early but pull through before halftime. Second half uncomfortably close. Huskers by 13.

True Fact: When Northern Illinois played at San Diego State in 2017, their entire traveling fanbase was able to fit one van with plenty of room to spare.

9/21 – @Illinois – They’re no Northern Illinois. Love Lovie but Illinois football blows. Huskers beat the spread.

Do you think those fans sitting away from the crowd are farting or making out?

9/27 – Ohio State – Well, well. Guess who has a coach now?? NOT OHIO STATE. Fuck Urban Meyer. Fuck the new guy. Fuck Ohio State football and everything it claims to stand for. Huskers make it hurt somehow. A demoralizing play early in the third that makes them cave or a dagger at the end. Either way, Huskers win.

There’s a good chance this photo is Photoshopped and there’s a good chance it isn’t.

10/5 – Northwestern – Not today. Northwestern has had its way with NU before but that stops now. Fuck purple uniforms. Fuck a big ten school pretending it’s Ivy League. NU by 10.

This is the #2 photo on google when you search: Northwestern Football Fans Nerds.

10/12 – @Minnesota – Have the wheels fallen off of PJ Fleck by now? Scott Frost will never lose a football game to PJ Fleck. Frost builds foundations, Fleck puts oars in water. Land of losses. Huskers by a bunch.

10/19 – BYE – UNDEFEATED AT THE BYE WEEK  – FUCK YEAH

10/26 – Indiana – Yay! Who cares?? Would rather be playing Kansas. Fuck basketball schools trying to play football. Huskers by 40.

In the wake of Andrew Luck’s retirement, the Indiana Athletic Department expects game attendance to increase by up to five fans.

11/2 – @Purdue – Choo choo!! A fucking train mascot?? Good god. Makes you miss the Big 12 (again). Fuck Purdue. Let’s play the Cyclones. Huskers by 14.

This young Purdue fan is well prepared for a lifetime of misery.

11/9 – TWO BYE WEEKS?? Still undefeated though……

11/16 – Wisconsin – At home. Home of the real big red. Fuck Wisconsin pretending to be Nebraska football. Nebraska gets some pride back tonight. End of regulation. They go for two. Run it right up the gut. Huskers by one. It’s beautiful.

Her hair might be dyed but that neck tattoo is real.

11/23 – @Maryland – THREE BYE WEEKS??? NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS 11-0.

Not even these guys can explain the symbolism behind Maryland’s confusing state flag.

11/29 – Iowa – It’s over. Iowa has been lifting weights for a looong time and Nebraska just stared last year. And THAT game was close. Frost took it personally. Made his players feel the same. From here on out, Nebraska wins 80% of its games against Iowa. We’ll still wave to the kids though. Want a Runza?? It’s all in good fun, right??? NU by 6.

REALLY!?!

UNDEFEATED. Best. Case. Scenario. They make the playoff. Realize they’re a year or two away. It hurts but they made some hay, right? Get it? Hay? Farms?? Cornhuskers??? Haha. Playoffs? Who would of thought?? THIS GUY. Fuck, they win the whole thing. Why not? HUSKERS BABY.

Nick Allen is a standup comedian who lives in Omaha. Follow him on Twitter. You can see him perform regularly at the Funny Bone.

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Going Full Circle with Southern Miss

Special Guest Post by Nick Allen – 

Nebraska played at Southern Miss on Thursday, September 25, 2003.

The scariest day of my life.

Six weeks prior I was in a doctor’s office hearing an OBGYN tell my girlfriend and I that we were going to be having a baby in October.

I said, “This year?

Six weeks later my first son was born.

At the time, I was cooking at a German restaurant and had been 21 for three months. I was in no position to be a dad. Sometimes I still feel like I’m not.

My future wife and I were blindsided. There had been recent signs that a baby may be appearing but we figured we would have standard notice. Instead, we had six weeks.

I’m a habitual procrastinator and was on the phone calling relatives the night before Sara was going to be induced saying, “I’m having a baby.

They would say, “When?

I said, “Tomorrow.

The only piece of advice I remember from that six weeks came from Miguel, an 18 year old father of one I worked with at Das Rheinland. I told him I was going to be a dad and he simply said, “It’s not about you anymore, Homie.

Since the day my son was born, that’s how I’ve been trying to live my life. Not about me anymore, Homie.

I’ve been trying but it’s not always easy. Trying to make sure my bad days stay my bad days instead of becoming other people’s bad days. Trying to wake up early. Trying to drink less. Trying to smoke less. Trying to be around and be present.

Sometimes I succeed, often times I fall way short. I’m really just trying to raise a good kid who doesn’t resent me. Who’s a good person because of me instead of in spite of me. And do the same with his brother and sister. It’s all a work in progress.

Sara was induced early on the day Conner was born. Nebraska was playing at Southern Miss that night but it was pretty far down on a lengthy list of things I was worried about. She was in a painful labor until an epidural. After that, we were kind of just hanging out, waiting for a baby to arrive.

While we were waiting into the night, there was a lone football game on the TV. Nebraska at Southern Miss.

Southern Miss, Brett Favre’s alma matter. On a Thursday. Under the lights. Against the Nebraska Cornhuskers.

I don’t remember who Nebraska’s quarterback was that night, I don’t remember who the coach was either. I don’t know if I was supposed to be mad at the defensive coordinator that week.  It didn’t matter. It still doesn’t.

I was much more concerned about the human life that I was going to be responsible for busting out at any second. He was more laid back, waiting for Nebraska to secure the victory before joining us.

He was born at 10:52pm. I remember seeing him and watching his eyes adjust. I remember kissing my wife then staring at both of them in awe.

We had family waiting outside the door waiting to hear any news. I opened the door and put both fists in the air.

It’s a boy!”

By the end of the night I was a dad with a newborn son.

This past Saturday, I took Conner to his first Nebraska home game. Southern Miss at Nebraska. He turned 12 the day before. It was perfect.

A kid in Memorial Stadium with a grin on his face. Runzas in the stands. Big plays from the Blackshirts. A Nebraska kid at fullback stealing the show. Two old ladies sitting in front of us getting hit with a hot dog shot from a canon. My son thinking Jordan Westerkamp should get the ball every play and wondering if Tommy Armstrong will win the Heisman because, “He’s a quarterback and a running back.”

Jodan Westerkamp Tommy Armstrong

Nebraska beat Southern Miss. The game got close at the end. There was grumbling in the stands and bated breath throughout the stadium. Someone sitting near us said, “That was scary.

I wasn’t scared on Saturday. I was scared in 2003. I’m still scared now. But not about football. It’s a game. A game played by kids not much older than my son. I’m scared I’m not a good dad. Scared all of my shut off notices are going to arrive on the same day. Scared I’m in over my head. I need to be more laid back like my son.

I asked him if he thought Southern Miss was going to come back and win. He said, “I knew Nebraska was going to win the whole time. They had it.”

They did. And I think we have it too.

Nick Allen is a stand up comic who lives in Omaha. He was featured this past summer on NBC’s Last Comic Standing. Follow him on Twitter at @NicksAllens.

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Guest Post: Nick Allen’s Husker Coaching Staff Wish List

Here’s our first ever guest post courtesy of Omaha based stand up comic and huge Husker fan Nick Allen. If you’re in the Big O over the holidays, you can catch Nick at The Funny Bone December 26th – 28th.

Take it away Nick Allen…

As Nebraska Cornhuskers coach Mike Riley puts his staff together, here’s a breakdown where we’re at so far and what we’d like to see. And by we, I mean me, because this is my coaching dream team.

We’ll begin with the confirmed hires:

Defensive Assistant Mark Banker
Has never surrendered 56 unanswered points to Wisconsin.
Trusted confidant of new Head Coach Mike Riley (just typing Mike Riley again to get used to it).
Has never given up 70 points to Wisconsin.
Mark Banker
Editor’s note:  Let’s not forget he held Wisconsin to 35 yards rushing in 2012. And that wasn’t just on a single play but the ENTIRE game.
Editor’s note: Dude looks like Mark Harmon!
Editor’s note: Never forget that Mark Harmon beat the Huskers.

LB Coach Trent Bray
Tough to take a guy named Trent seriously but let’s give Riley the benefit of the doubt.
Probably got laid pretty easily in Corvallis (OSU hero), but left that behind for the uncharted waters of Lincoln.
Has never been a golf coach.
Trent Bray

OL Coach Mike Cavanaugh
Gnarly old/slightly overweight white dude.
More rock of the earth than salt of the earth.
Swears repeatedly on OSU promoted coaching clip.

QB Whisperer Mike Riley
Track record of sending QB’s that no one can name to the NFL.
An actual QB coach.
An actual QB coach.
Mike Riley

Secondary Coach Charlton Warren
Only confirmed retention of Pelini’s staff.
Good recruiter.
Hated Pelini’s fake cat.
Could probably land the team jet in case the crew gets sick from the in-flight meal.
Captain Charlton Warren

Special Teams Coordinator Bruce Reed
Currently building his own office.
Already has a huge man crush on De’Mornay Pierson-El.
Hopefully has the stones to block a kick or two.
BRUCEREAD-OSU

Filling out the rest of the staff:

Athletic Director Shawn Eichorst says resources are not an issue. This list assumes that is true.

Defensive Coordinator Mike Ditka
Leader of the 1985 Chicago Bears.
Politics aren’t as bad as Ron Brown‘s
Proves that while you may need a pill to get your dick up, if you have a legit mustache you’re never a pussy.
Mike Ditka

Defensive Line Coach Ndamukong Suh
Single-handedly cost Colt McCoy the Heisman Trophy.

Stomped on the opposing coach’s kid while rumbling for a touchdown.

The Blackshirts need an attitude.
He’s a free agent at the end of the season.

Offensive Coordinator Bill Callahan
Head Coach of a Super Bowl team. Granted, it was a game mired in controversy but you live and learn, right?
Called Oklahoma fans “fucking hillbillies.”
Message boards would explode.
Bill Callahan

Wide Receivers Coach Terrell Owens (T.O. 2.0)
Great receiver.
Needs the money.
Makes Mike Riley less boring.
Could probably still play the college level.
Terrell Owens

Running Backs Coach Christian Okoye
The Nigerian Nightmare looks good in red.
Won a collegiate hammer throwing title.
Brings serious Tecmo Bowl clout.

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