Tag Archives: larry the cable guy

Did Larry the Cable Guy Predict Keyshawn Johnson Jr. Committing to the Huskers?

After months of suspense, Keyshawn Johnson Jr. announced his commitment to play football at the University of Nebraska.

Considering his half-dozen visits to Lincoln, his decision shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise but seconds after Keyshawn’s video hit the Twitter, you could hear the fragile psyche of Husker Nation writhing in agony as USC, Alabama, Clemson, and Ohio State logos made cameos. In the end, the Huskers were the last logo standing and the Big Red faithful breathed a sigh of relief.

Me? I was far from worried because Larry the Cable Guy was there to give me a virtual shoulder rub and whisper reassuring words in my ear.

Allow me to explain.

Like any semi-worthwhile blogger, I was up (a full hour before my usual waking time, BTW) ready and waiting for the big announcement. As the seconds ticked towards zero hour, my big dilemma was selecting the perfect reaction to whatever Keyshawn decided.

The finalists on the he-chose-wisely-and-picked-Nebraska side were Rodney Dangerfield’s Al Czervik announcing We’re all gonna get laid. Or Sean Penn’s Jeff Spicoli saying Hey bud, let’s party, because nothing screams relevance like 35-year-old movie quotes.

In the end, Spicoli was the winner and a sign from the football gods that Keyshawn would be choosing wisely was sent in the form of good ol’ Larry.

Playing ahead of the Spicoli clip on YouTube was an ad for Prilosec OTC that featured Larry up to his usual shenanigans in promoting heartburn relief. If arguably the most well-known Husker fan (sorry, Gabrielle) isn’t a harbinger of Husker good fortune than I don’t know what is.

Larry the Cable Guy Keyshawn
Actual screengrab from the clip used to announce Keyshawn’s decision to play at Nebraska.

Welcome to Husker Nation, Keyshawn. We’ll see you next year.

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Sunday Morning Hot Takes: UCLA Edition

If the first thing you did when you woke up this morning was check the box score from the Foster Farms Bowl, don’t worry.

You weren’t the only one who did that.

It wasn’t a dream. Nebraska really did run wild against UCLA and came away with a 37-29 victory that was equal parts fun and gut-wrenching anguish.

Even when the Big Red was trailing 21-7 midway through the second quarter, Mike Riley and Danny Langsdorf stuck to their game plan* and continued to pound UCLA like Rocky slugging a side of beef. It was a glorious sight to behold as the Huskers chipped away at the Bruin defense a few yards at a time and rattled off 30 unanswered points.

UCLA finally replied early in the fourth quarter with a quick and methodical secondary shredding strike to pull within 8 points but that would be it. A missed field goal and absolutely clutch end zone interception by Chris Jones would seal the Bruins’ fate. The Huskers finally ran out of new and cruel ways to blow it at the end.

*Let’s Talk About That Game Plan: No doubt this next week will be full of think pieces and talk radio jibber jabber about how Riley and Langsdorf have finally found the light when it comes to Huskers’ offensive identity. Were these new look Huskers the result of a philosophical sea change or was it something as simple as Coach Riley checking his twitter mentions while enjoying a complimentary omelet at the Embassy Suites?  Could an endless stream of eggs imploring him to run the football actually have enough sway to make him throw UCLA a change up for four quarters? It would be amazing if that were the case. If there was one thing message board coaches got right this year it was the need to run the football.

Three Quick Wishes For 2016…

1) The Return of Tommy Legstrong: Tommy ran for 305 fewer yards in 2015 (400 vs 705). Splitting the difference in 2016 would be gravy.

2) A Lockdown Secondary (or at least one that isn’t consistently beaten): UCLA’s 60 yard bomb in the second quarter looked eerily similar to other times the Huskers were repeatedly scorched on the deep ball throughout the season. Then, when the Bruins started to rally in the fourth, they ran the exact same screen pass 4 or 5 times. The only variation was flipping the formation to the opposite side of the field one time.

3) A Nickname For Nate Gerry: Here are a few that come to mind… Jailhouse Rock, The Convict, Penalty Box,  Big Boss Man, Lock Up, Early Exit… (good thing there are still 9 months until the season starts)

Mike Riley’s Balloon Watch: A solid win over UCLA means Coach gets his balloon back for the off-season.

Mike Riley Happy Balloon

NUMBERS TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH

17:36: The Huskers’ time-of-possession advantage over UCLA.

62: The number of times the Huskers ran the ball against the Bruins for a total of 326 yards on the ground.

Now let’s compare that effort to the rest of season:

BYU – 37/126
S. Alabama – 37/258
Miami – 34/153
S. Miss – 39/242
Illinois – 34/187
Wisconsin – 37/196
Minnesota – 36/203
Northwestern – 38/82
Purdue – 33/77
Michigan State  – 36/179
Rutgers – 35/174
Iowa – 38/137

4: The number of times the 1995 Huskers, aka the greatest team in the history of college football, topped 62 rushes during their entire season. (70 vs Pacific, 63 vs Washington State, 68 vs Iowa State,  68 vs Florida)

And all this leads to Larry the Cable Guy winning the award for “Most Accurate Tweet of the Night.”

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Nebraska Will Most Likely Win the 2015 National Championship

cfpchampWarning: This editorial may include sunshine pumping.

After carefully evaluating the upcoming college football season, the most likely outcome I see for Mike Riley’s maiden voyage out on the high Husker seas — is a National Friggin’ Title.

Burdensome expectations for the newly minted captain of Memorial Stadium, you say? A reckless forecast sure to undermine the confidence of a Corvallis crew all too used to Pac-12 participation trophies?

Yeah, well. Whatever.

If you want to rhetorically hold Riley and company’s hands through the tunnel walk on Saturday, start your own damn blog.

Big Red Fury expects Mike Riley to take the helm like the second-coming of Bob Devaney who saw a 200% increase in wins his first year at Nebraska over the previous season.

Granted, for Mike Riley to do the same, he will need to win 27 games in 2015 — a mathematical impossibility, unfortunately. But he can go another route to match the phenomenal improvement Devaney brought with him in 1962. The BobFather produced four fewer losses in his first season than Bill Jennings produced in his last.

As luck would have it, Bo Pelini left Mike with the exact number of losses he would need to match Bob’s improvement. Only this time, should Coach Riley strike the same lightning, it will mean a 15-0 record.

And a National Damn Title.

But, but, but — I can hear the carping now. Bob Devaney didn’t win a National Title in his first year at Nebraska. Bo Pelini didn’t put the ball on a tee with a 3-6-1 out-going record. And the atmosphere is just plain different now. College football of 2015 is a lifetime removed from college football of 1962.

Ix-nay on the ucking-fay excuses-ay. That’s right, I’m bringing Pig Latin to this here itchbe.

So maybe you wonder when was the last time a Division 1 college football team actually went 15-0? After all, the Buckeyes didn’t even do it when they picked up their 14-1 Championship last year.

The answer is Penn University in 1897.

Oh, some teams have come agonizingly close with 14 wins and no losses. Florida State in 2013. Auburn in 2010. Alabama and Boise State in 2009. Ohio State in 2002.

But come four and a half months from now — unless my crystal ball is in need of some Windex — Nebraska will stand shoulder to shoulder with the mighty 1897 Penn Quakers as the only 15-0 Division 1 football teams in the entire history of the sport.

Tall order? Sure. If you say so.

But what if Mike and his Corvallis mechanics stumble up somewhere while pimping out this Big Red Lamborghini they’ve been bestowed?

Like — and I know this is going to sound ridiculous — what if Michigan State comes to town and pulls out an inspired performance, while SIMULTANEOUSLY Nebraska plays a little bit flat?

It’s conceivable then, yeah sure, Sparty might actually sneak out a win while in Lincoln. Crazier things have happened, right?

So then Nebraska gets back on track, blows out Rutgers and Iowa and heads off to Indianapolis 11-1 to face, probably a 12-0 Ohio State.

No worries. We’re in like Flynn.

Nebraska then manhandles the Buckeyes. While Coach Riley goes to waggle Urban Frank Meyer III’s humiliated little grip at midfield, Mark Banker takes Meyer from behind, chucks him to the ground and puts his boot on his trachea.

Just to let him know the new pecking order.

Nebraska then goes on to the playoffs, tosses off some SEC champ like a gamy bit of ground squirrel, then pounds the hapless PAC-12 champ like a Sharknado slamming into the Santa Monica pier. VOILA! 14-1 National Champs, just like those tallywackers from Columbus last year.

Okay. So let’s say Nebraska bowls through its regular season 12-0 (or, at worst 11-1) and then loses (I’m just asking you to humor me here) to Ohio State and is then LEFT OUT of the playoff. Would that then derail Nebraska’s 2015 National Title run?

Absolutely not. And that’s one of the things I love about college football. Titles are subjective. It’s the only sport that has a long history of letting multiple champs stand together on the same gold medal podium in the same year.

Quick — who won the 1970 National Title? Depends on who you ask. A Nebraska fan will say, “Nebraska, of course.” And out the corner of their mouths, they’ll add, “And Texas, I guess.” If you ask a Texas fan the same question, they’ll say, “Texas! And some other team. Nebraska, maybe? Did we even play them that year?”

And the truth is they’re BOTH right. But ask an Ohio State fan, who won the 1970 National Title, they’ll say, “Buckeyes.”

What? The same Ohio State team that went 9-1 and lost 27-17 to Stanford in the Rose Bowl? National Champs over 11-0-1 Nebraska? And 10-1 Texas?

Indeed. Turns out a little organization called the National Football Foundation got all hair-triggered and awarded Ohio State college football’s 1970 crown in the afterglow of the Buckeye’s 20-9 win over 4th ranked Michigan, without bothering to see how things played out in Pasadena.

Nebraska 1970 National Co-Champs Ohio State, Nebraska, and Texas were all somebody’s National Champion in 1970.

What’s remarkable is that this Championship sits just fine with historically attuned Buckeye fans who unabashedly count that year as a notch in their title belt. Likewise, Texas fans are equally cool with their 1970 Title despite that the Longhorns also lost their bowl game (handily by 13 points to Notre Dame). The Coaches Poll was also prone to premature National Title ejaculation back then.

In fact, college football is so over-run with multiple national champions, there are actually 356 claimed titles despite there having only been 146 total seasons. Other sports aren’t quite so communistic. There have been 110 World Series and 110 Major League champions. There have been 94 NFL seasons. 94 NFL Champions. 76 NCAA Division I Mens Basketball seasons. 76 NCAA Division I Mens Basketball Champions. 64 NBA seasons. 64 NBA Champions.

You see where this is headed?

So “open-to-interpretation” are college football title claims, some programs have declared themselves champions of particular seasons decades after the fact. Alabama, Notre Dame, and USC are especially adept at retroactive trophy collecting. And some of their hardware requires assertions so outlandish, they’d make Baron Munchausen stand up and scream — LIAR!

So, back to our 2015 scenario. Nebraska beats everybody on the regular season slate. But then they go to Indianapolis and get beat by the Urbhio State Buckmeyers and the playoff selection committee does not ring up Mike Riley’s phone.

Shit out of luck?

No sir!

We simply need to refer to anything after the regular season as an “exhibition game.” As long as Nebraska survives the regular season with no more than 1 loss, what happens in the exhibition portion of the year is irrelevant. Per college football history.

Outside of the 5 seasons in which Nebraska was declared National Champions, my favorite year of college football was 1960. For no other reason than the leeway its sheer lunacy provides in allowing titles to be doled out to just anybody.

As some of you may already know, the Minnesota Golden Gophers were at one time college football juggernaut. This reputation stems largely from Minnesota’s four AP National Titles — including the very first Associated Press Title handed out in 1936.

AP titles are the longest running order of fully recognized “legit” championships and it is a pretty big deal to be awarded one. Even when you include the results of the 1960 football season.

As it turns out, the Associated Press changed their voting system in 1960 as a response to the embarrassment of the previous season in which 200 AP voters split their first place votes among SEVEN different schools. Syracuse was the overall winner in 1959, but Mississippi, LSU, Texas, Georgia, Wisconsin and Alabama all had enough merit to garner at least one media cheerleader in their corner for the final assessment of the season.

By the way, look how showered the SEC was with media love even back in 1959.

Now, to avoid such future logjams of varying opinions, the Associated Press trimmed their voting block down to the ballots of just 48 sports writers for 1960. And it was the first year in which they implemented the weighted vote of 20 points for first place, 19 points for second place, 18 points for third and so on. But still, the final vote would happen at the end of the regular season.

The result was, balls out, the most ridiculous AP champion of all time. The 8-2 Minnesota Gophers.

Minnesota’s AP trophy came after beating just one team with a better than 5-4 record — Iowa, who ended the year 8-1 and ranked #3 but did not compete in any a bowl game because of a Big 10 rule in which conference teams could only play in the Rose Bowl. And, as head-to-head winners, that trip belonged to Minnesota.

After beating Iowa, Minnesota subsequently lost to 4-4-1 Purdue by 9 points. They then beat a sub .500 Wisconsin, standing at 8-1, they picked up their AP National Title trophy and then headed to Pasadena where they were nearly skunked by PAC-8 Champion, Washington, to the tune of 17-7.

When all “exhibition” games were finished for 1960, these following teams all had better records than the Gophers: 11-0 Missouri (finished #5), 11-0 New Mexico State (finished #17), 10-0-1 Mississippi (finished #2), 10-1 Washington (finished #6), 8-1 Iowa (finished #3), 8-1 Rutgers (finished unranked) 9-2 Florida (finished #18), 9-2 Navy (finished #4) and 9-2 Utah State (finished the year unranked).

If the votes were cast after the Bowl games, it would be hard to see ranking Minnesota better than 4th or 5th for that year. The title would have probably gone to either Washington, Missouri or Mississippi.

And yet, the record book still says “Minnesota: 1960 College Football National Champions.”

This is the kind of racket Nebraska can get in on in 2015.

All we need is for Mike Riley to kick off his baptismal Husker season with an 11-1 or 12-0 run. And then have an organization declare a 2015 champion before the conference championship games.

That’s where Big Red Fury comes in.

I propose a new college football award organization. The Big Red Fury Collegiate Gridiron Association or: BRFCGA. This organization will be a panel of any such people willing to vote in a college football champion at the conclusion of the regular season — and unwilling to consider any team for the top spot not named Nebraska.

The panel will consist of the three members of Big Red Fury plus Jason Peter, Tommy Lee and Larry the Cable Guy.

Peter Lee Cable GuyThe greatest power trio Nebraska has ever known.

Jason and Larry will, no doubt, be in the tank for the Huskers. Heck, we may even get a #1 vote from Larry with three losses. Who knows? Tommy may take some cajoling to avoid throwing his vote away on somebody like San Jose State or Wake Forest. We just need to remind him that Dear Old Nebraska U is his alma mater for the three-week stint he had in Lincoln back in 2005. It’s quite possible that he doesn’t remember that far back, but showing him pictures of himself decked out in drumline gear ought to trigger some kind of cogitation.

As for the three Big Red Fury voters, at least one of us will be on board from the opening kick-off. The rest is up to Mike Riley’s orchestration.

So, sit back. Enjoy Nebraska’s 2015 National Championship run and give a little toast to the 1960 Gophers. Thanks to their precedent, we’ve got this thing in the bag.

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Welcome to Nebraska, Mike Riley. Here’s a Survival Guide.

Dear Coach Riley,

Welcome to Nebraska and the Cornhuskers. After we wrapped our head around your out-of-the-blue hiring, we must say we became very interested and excited to see what you can do for the Big Red.

Moving from Oregon to Nebraska will no doubt require a bit of readjustment on your part. To help make the transition as seamless as possible, we’ve taken the liberty of writing up a handy little Nebraska Survival Guide for you.

THE NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS – Your new team is the biggest attraction in America’s 37th state by a country mile.  Note that we didn’t qualify that statement by saying “sports attraction.” To explain just how obsessed the state is with the Big Red would require 5,000 words to barely scrape the surface. You know how bananas those hippies in Portland go for cruelty-free artisan vegan cheese? Multiply that excitement by a factor of 100 and you’re getting close to how the average Nebraskan feels about the Huskers.

Be careful with the alternate uniform thing. While we think it’s a great change of pace to see a fresh look once a year, any deviation from the classic scarlet and cream will bring out the fashion critics and staunch traditionalists. Or, you could simply order adidas to stop making borderline hideous uniforms.

MEMORIAL STADIUM – Those empty seats at Reser Stadium when the Ducks were in Corvallis last week? Not going to happen at your new home. Not even Bill Callahan could stop a sellout streak that currently stands at 340 consecutive games. When it began back in 1962, the stadium’s capacity was just a little bigger than Reser Stadium at 48,000.

Now 87,000 fans pack the joint every game day. Many will stand up the whole time, except for the people on the west side of the stadium. That’s where the blue hairs (old folks) all sit. Try not to complain about them too much. They write big checks in exchange for getting to complain about all the hip hop and yell witty things such as “Sit down. We can’t see through you.” when young and rowdy fans (anyone under 75) make the mistake of sitting among the elderly.

The student section is in the south end zone. Be cool to those kids. In fact, be really nice to them. Bring them donuts before games. The seating is general admission and the most rabid fans will sleep on the sidewalk the night before games to lock down a front row seat. They’ve got a such a good thing going with the Iron N Club right now that we’re very tempted to go back to school and deal with being the creepy old guy in class just so we can take part in the fun.

And please, try not to poop your pants the first time you do the Tunnel Walk.

TOM OSBORNETOM OSBORNE 1Do whatever you have to do to get on this man’s good side. Grease him with a Cabela’s gift card if you have to. If you can get him to vouch for you, you’ll be way ahead of the game. A few years ago he ran for governor (after several terms in Congress) and Nebraskans decided to vote for the other guy in hopes that T.O. would return to the Athletic Department. He’s also on the College Football Playoff committee though the can’t “technically” try to “influence” the voting when it comes to the Huskers.

TOMMIE FRAZIER
Tommie Frazier
Yes. That really is the quarterback who lead the Huskers to glory in the mid-90’s. He is not a player’s overly enthusiastic uncle trying to pull your leg. If he ever goes on a Twitter rampage about any standards you’re not living up to, just ask him how his coaching career went.

JASON PETER
Jason Peter
This skinny guy who looks like a Limp Bizkit enthusiast anchored the Huskers’ defensive line for all three national championship seasons in the 90’s. What can we say? Heroin is a hell of a drug. But it’s not as strong as the human spirit. Jason kicked the smack and turned his life around for the better. If you know anyone struggling with addiction, we can personally attest that his book can really be an inspiration. In the photo above, he’s “throwing the bones” the universal symbol for someone-on-the-other-team-just-got-destroyed.

When BYU comes to town to kickoff next season, call a play on their first possession that results in their quarterback being decapitated. We’re not joking. Like, the guy’s head really gets separated from the rest of his body. Yes, it’s rude and may result in having to forfeit the game but if you can pull it off, Jason will gladly do your yard work for the duration of your stay in Lincoln.

NDAMUKONG SUH
SUH
If you see this man working out in your weight room, don’t you dare accuse him of sneaking in. The damn place is named after him. Maybe you remember him from his high school days in Oregon? Even if you don’t, it’s best to let Suh have whatever he wants.

JACK HOFFMAN
Jack Hoffman
If a little dude reports for spring practice with his helmet and pads, you are not being punk’d. His name is Jack. He’s part of the team and he can motor. Maybe you’ve seen his highlight reel?

LARRY THE CABLE GUY
Larry the Cable Guy
This is the Huskers’ celebrity fan base. Good luck with that. Actually, Dan (yes, that’s his real name) is a great guy and a huge supporter. Don’t know if you saw it, but he was so excited about your arrival that he was tweeting rational, complete and fully punctuated sentences.

LINCOLN –Your new home may be five times bigger than Corvallis but don’t think you can simply disappear in the big city. Every move you make will be closely monitored and reported. Did you know Jim Tressel was spotted in Lincoln by multiple sources throughout the week and he wasn’t even in town? That’s how closely fans watch things. Even when you’re in Ohio, you’re really in Lincoln.

The best part of Lincoln for a newcomer is that the streets are laid out on a grid system. Lettered streets run east – west with “O” being the dividing line between the north and south side of town. Numbered streets go north and south. As long as you don’t travel outside of the alphabet, Lincoln is the easiest city in the world to navigate. If some kids invite you to a kegger at 16th and K, those are all the coordinates you need.

THE  NEBRASKA STATE CAPITOL- You’re not imagining things. Everyone thinks it looks like a giant penis.  Some of its popular nicknames are The Penis of the Plains, The Hard-on of The Heartland, The Meat of the Midwest, The Dick of Downtown, The Cock of the Countryside, The Phallus of the Farmland, The Schlong of The City, the list goes on… Inside the Capitol is where America’s only unicameral state legislature does its work.

YIA-YIA’S – Best pizza in town. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

THE NIGHT BEFORE LOUNGE – While the downtown location is convenient, Shaker’s is worth the drive. The last time we were at The Night Before, a dancer answered a phone call from her kid while on-stage. We are not making that up.

OMAHA – About 50 miles to the east is Nebraska’s largest city. It’s a chunk smaller than Portland. The good news for you is that neither of its big colleges have football teams, unlike that Eugene place just up the road from your old stomping grounds. UNO (aka University of No Opportunity) cut its football program and Creighton only has a basketball team to boast about. You’ll find there’s a section of fans who split their loyalty between Husker football and Creighton basketball. Never listen to a single word these people say.

If you need help with your finances, find a guy named Warren who lives there. He apparently has a knack for that sort of stuff.

BEAVER CROSSING – If you ever get homesick, there’s a little slice of home about 35 miles west of Lincoln.

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THE MEDIA – As we said earlier, your new team is the state’s main event and as such it requires dozens of reporters to cover your every move. Thanks to an unquenchable thirst for Husker news, the journalism industry is staying alive and well in Nebraska. (At least when it comes to the Huskers.) All those people who were at your introductory press conference will be there every week. (Free sandwiches draw them in like moths to a flame.)

Here’s who you need to know-

TOM SHATEL
23
While he can seem easily confused by technology, Tom is still the gold standard for Husker beat writers. For the big-monied boosters out west who still prefer to read their news to be in print the day after it happens, his word is gospel. If you can refrain from ever passing the ball on second and 1, you’ll stay in his good graces for a longtime.

SAM McKEWON
SAM M
Sam is the most talented and consistently rational writer on the Husker beat. He could write for the New Yorker if he wanted to. He calls things how he sees them and his opinion doesn’t pendulum from week to week. If you want to blow his mind, talk movies with him sometime. Anything from Paul Thomas Anderson, the Coen Brothers or Richard Linklater would be a good starting point. If you lead with Lars von Trier, he might get suspicious.

STEVEN M. SIPPLE
LINCOLN, NEB. - 8/12/2011 - Steve Sipple ERIC GREGORY/Lincoln Journal Star
The guy at your press conference who looks like he slept in his car (he did and it’s a good story) goes by the nickname Sip. His office is two arm punts from yours so if you ever need to get some news out quick, hit him up. If you need to get some news out really quick, take him out a few times and he’ll give you his log in credentials so you can write what you want him to say yourself. In all seriousness, Sip really knows his stuff and is a solid reporter.

DIRK CHATELAIN
dirk
Dirk is like the old guy Kane from Poltergeist 2. He’ll show up on your porch with good intentions but is really just biding his time before he unleashes hell. If he looked tired at your press conference, it’s because he was up all night breaking down game film from your time with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to find tendencies in your coaching methods and demeanor that can be exploited at a later date. As the “Nebraska Sportswriter of the Year,” you need to show this man respect. He had to beat out 12 other writers to earn that title. To the “serious” Husker bloggers this man is Tyler Durden. They’ll parrot whatever he says and defend his honor to the death.

SEAN CALLAHAN
sean callahan
Sean is your nosy neighbor who chopped down a 50-year-old oak tree in his backyard so that it’s easier to keep tabs on you. His sources’, sources have sources, so good luck keeping anything under wraps.

FANS
Fans 1

Nebraska fans can be so nice that it’s alarming. They can also be so vindictive they’ll secretly record a private conversation and sit on it for a couple years before leaking it to Deadspin. In their eyes, there’s no such thing as running the ball too much or scoring too many points. Should your team ever make a bad play, make a good play ASAP.

If you continue to have your practices open to the public, don’t be surprised if they show up. All of them.

HUSKERMAX When doomsday preppers need a break from organizing canned goods down in their bunkers, they like to chat in the Huskermax forums. Don’t ever look inside. It can be a dark and scary place that makes moon landing conspiracy theorists seem sane and rational.

I-80 – Nebraska’s mighty interstate that cuts through the middle of the state. If you ever need to test your sanity, drive the length of it some time. Even when you’re not on drugs, crossing the same river five or six times will make you feel like you’re hallucinating.

GRAVEL ROADS – You’re traveling down one of Nebraska’s many gravel roads while on the hunt for the next great lineman and you’re about to cross paths with another vehicle, what do you do?

You lift your index finger off the steering wheel as a means of saying hello and nothing more. If you don’t lift your finger, that farmer will flip a u-turn and chase you down to find out what your problem is.

TORNADOES – If sirens start wailing like the North Koreans are attacking, seek shelter in the nearest basement. They’re easy to find. All houses in Nebraska have basements.

CORN – Can’t miss it. It’s everywhere. The scientific term for the exact amount is “Holy fucking shit, there’s a lot of corn in Nebraska.”

MOUNTAINS AND TREES – Believe it or not, virtually all five of the trees you see in Nebraska were planted by hand which lead to the birth of Arbor Day. If you want to see trees and mountains like back home, drive west on I-80 seven or eight hours. Hang a left for Colorado or continue straight for Wyoming.

SUMMER – It gets so hot you’ll want to carry a spatula so you can peel your balls from your leg.

WINTER – It gets so cold your face will hurt. Like real, genuine pain. And there won’t be a snowflake in sight. The place is like a frozen desert.

SPRING – The second Tuesday in May.

FALL – The third Sunday in October.

BOOSTER’S WIVES – Stay away from them. The same goes for your defensive coordinator, especially him. Whoever that may be. (Please, please, please say Ed Orgeron.)

RUNZA – A big, beefy Twinkie and the official sandwich of Nebraska when the McRib isn’t in season. Go for the Swiss cheese and mushroom.

POP – It’s what Nebraska folk call soda. If you ask for a soda, you’ll be accused of being a Prius driving city slicker. Oh wait.

TIM MILES
TIM MILES
If you become as popular as the basketball coach, check your finger for a ring because you probably won a championship.

Best of luck, Coach and Go Big Red!

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