Another week, another big game for your still-in-the-top-10 Huskers.
Following last Saturday’s disappointing loss at Wisconsin, Mike Riley said that his team would be “playing mad” tonight against Ohio State.
The Huskers should be playing more than mad. They should be playing with the intent to rip the collective throat out of the Buckeyes. There’s no way to sugarcoat it. Their season is on the line.
If there was ever a time for this team to show the college football world the Huskers are back, it’s tonight.
Under the prime time lights.
On Ohio State’s home turf.
Imagine how hard Kirk Herbstreit will be losing his shit if the Blackshirts swagger onto the hallowed ground where he once posted a minus 200 QB rating and kicked the crap out of Ohio State like they were reenacting all the best parts of Road House.
It’s time for The Horseshoe to turn into the Double Deuce with Nate Gerry playing the role of Dalton. He needs to be the cooler who keeps the Buckeyes out of the end zone.
Tommy Armstrong can play the wise old sage Wade Garret because that’s who we need Tommy to be tonight. This evening is as good as any for him to solidify a place in Husker lore. Beating Ohio State in Columbus will go a long way towards forgetting all those YOLObombs.
However, if bad Tommy comes out to play, it will be yet another knife in the chest for Husker Nation- just like Wade Garrett.
Spoiler alert: Wade doesn’t make it out alive.
But the Huskers will be leaving Columbus with a win
Sometimes in that Facebook haystack of baby pics and political rants you can find those priceless moments you really want to see.
Following the Illinois game, Facebook’s mighty algorithm bestowed upon me one of the most glorious things I have ever seen.
My longtime buddy Dave hoisting Der Viener Schlinger to the sky like he was some sort of Husker Rambo and blasting a Fairbury Brand Hot Dog into the Sea of Red.
Dave and I go all the way back to our freshman year at Husker U. when someone in our dorm (I don’t even remember who) decided we need to know each other based on the fact that we both spent our mornings religiously watching CHiPs.
It was pretty much a Step Brothers moment the second we bro’d down over Ponch and Jon. From there, was nothing but several years of some pretty ridiculous hijinks. I’d share details but honestly it’s all a haze (and my mom has been known to read this thing from time to time).
Besides, we’re not here for stupid stories from the days of yore. We’re here for incredible stories from right now.
Or as close to right now as possible.
The events that follow transpired during the Illinois game. Shortly after, Dave got lost on a motorcycle tour for a while so it took a minute to coordinate our big interview. Enjoy.
So you and the Mrs (happy anniversary, btw) went back to Lincoln for the game. Did you do take the train to from Denver to the Haymarket like you’ve done before? If so, how does that set the table for your gameday experience? That has to be one of the coolest ways to roll into Lincoln for a Husker game.
This is the first time I’ve hopped the train back for a game in a couple of years. It’s a pretty amazing experience overall. Some of the comforts of flying are erased, but you can most certainly listen to loud snoring and iPad use with no headphones. A couple of beers and a dram of whiskey and I can pretty much sleep through anything. Arriving in Lincoln early in the morning, refreshed, and ready for coffee sets the perfect tone for a wonderful game day. I love what they’ve done down in the Haymarket area. It’s much more inviting then a decade ago.
The Der Viener Schlinger… walk us through how that happened. How did you get picked? How much of a rush was it to fire off a Fairbury Brand Hot Dog into the East Stadium stands? Did the Der Viener Schlinger guy give you any tips? Did it have a lot of kick? Who was the guy yelling DBO in the video? Did he get a hot dog?
My friend Jenna walked us down to the sidelines after the start of the 2nd half. She asked if I had any interest in shooting off Der Viener Schlinger and I shyly responded, “If he wants me to.” She nudged her way over towards the artillery and got me positioned in line for firing. The operator of Der Viener Schlinger then forcibly moved a 6-year-old girl out of my way to get me cued in line. I was on cloud 9 with my finger on the trigger ready to blast on Illinois fans who had their eyes fixed on the game, but was instructed to shoot it at people paying attention and pull the trigger. No kick, you could blast weenies all day with no shoulder soreness. My homeboy JD was the one yelling my name, all my homies were as excited as I was. No hot dog for him though. We mashed on Runzas until our stomachs hurt the first half of the game.
How has your life changed from shooting the Der Viener Schlinger?
I feel as though that people who are in tune with what it means to shoot Der Viener Schlinger are beyond impressed and really want to know how the opportunity happened upon me. I’ve become a B list celeb in the Husker fandom world. The emails and texts haven’t stopped since gameday.
Will a going to a Husker game ever be the same for you again?
Every Husker game is a memorable one for me, but unless I’m shooting weenies into the crowd, it’ll never be the same.
Do you remember that time we spent 18 straight hours watching Molly Ringwald movies in those recliners you had in whatever dorm that was? (I don’t think we even moved until Katie T. brought us Burger King if I sort of remember correctly. Sometime we’ll all have to combine brains and see if we can remember at least some of the stuff we pulled.)
I wish I could remember half the shit we did in college. Let’s recreate the recliner gig. It was a good one.
Does it weird you out if I tell you I still have a glossy 8 x 10 of your snowboarding injury somewhere?
That actually warms my heart and makes my scar tingle.
These days you’ve got quite the business going in Denver. Would you mind telling our readers what Bear Creek Distillery is all about and what they can expect if they visit?
Bear Creek Distillery is a grain to glass, grain to bottle distillery nestled into the heart of Denver. We currently have a Silver Rum, Cask Strength Rum, Spiced Rum, Rye Vodka, Wheat Vodka, Rye Whiskey, Wheat Whiskey, White Whiskey and we will be releasing our flagship product Holiday 2017, which is a 3 grain Bourbon. We have a full tasting room open 5 days a week. We feature handcrafted cocktails and offer tours of our facility to the public. I’ll be shopping Nebraska distributors next year to place our product in Omaha and Lincoln.
If you’re there and someone shows up wearing Husker gear, what typically happens?
High fives ensue and if I’ve had enough whiskey we get a classic “GO BIG RED” call and response going. This place literally glows red on Saturdays and we welcome Huskers in here with open arms.
Finally what’s your outlook for the Huskers for the rest of the season? How far do you see this team going?
We look great and seem to be applying a little bit of smash mouth football this season. I predict we have at top ten finish and a Big Ten Championship to look forward to.
This is a weird one. It’s been nearly a full day since the Huskers lost to Wisconsin 23-17 in overtime and the typical post-Husker loss depression has yet to kick in. Maybe it was all the beer during the game, followed by more beer after the game, followed by a late night rampage through Halloween candy that helped make this loss feel not as horrible as all the others.
Let’s break it down:
Did the Huskers have chances to win? Yes.
But did they piss the game down their leg? No.
Were there some odd offensive play calls during crunch time? Yes.
But were they as fatal as throwing on 3rd and 7 against Illinois? No.
Did these Huskers prove they have a lot of fight in them? HELL YES.
You never want to call a loss encouraging but it’s hard to be discouraged after this one. The last time I felt borderline optimistic after a loss was back in 2008 when the unranked Huskers went down to Lubbock and forced #7 Texas Tech into overtime by rattling off 21 points in the 4th quarter.
Like the Badgers last night, the Red Raiders scored first in OT but opened a window for a Husker victory when their extra point try was blocked.
Unfortunately that game would end two plays later on a Joe Ganz interception but it gave Husker Nation hope that the team had turned a big corner.
Seeing these guys slug it out for 60 minutes plus only to come up short hurts but it makes you look forward to seeing what they can do next Saturday in Columbus. The Huskers have a solid chance to get out of town with the win.
We just need Good Tommy to show up for all four quarters and perhaps a revised offensive game plan for those extra tight moments. There really should have been more urgency to close out the game in regulation and it doesn’t seem like Danny Langsdorf has a solid quiver of go-to plays when the Huskers need to get yardage.
In overtime, it was two Newby runs up the gut for a pair of yards and a pair of incomplete passes with the final one being a swing and a miss for a touchdown when a mere first down would have kept the Huskers in business.
As much as this game deserves to be stuck in our collective craw for a long time, it’s best if we let it go.
In case you missed it, the high school aged son of a former Husker coach who shall not be mentioned took a swipe at his dad’s old team following the game. Shortly after, he claimed to be hacked. Of course.
We’re starting to run out of Hollywood Bvld Spider-Men to star in these.
NUMBERS TO RATIONALLY DISCUSS WITH YOUR FRIENDS
(We’re not to depression levels… yet.)
2.8: Call Wisconsin lucky, call the refs blind, but no matter which way you shake it, the Badgers have averaged less than three penalties per game this season. They put up goose eggs in their games against Akron and Iowa so getting a single flag thrown on them for all of five yards isn’t that big of a stretch. Meanwhile, the Huskers were penalized just twice for 10 yards in their cleanest performance of the year. HOWEVER, THAT NO-CALL ON THIRD DOWN IN OVERTIME IS STILL BULLSHIT.
32: Wisconsin’s advantage in total yardage. They outgained the Huskers 337 to 305 on the evening. It would have been only a seven yard advantage for the Badgers had the Huskers found the end zone in OT.
12: Believe it or not, the Huskers actually moved up in Ed Johnson‘s book following their first loss of the season. Last week, Johnson, the Assistant Sports Editor at the Albuquerque Journal, had Nebraska slotted at 14, their lowest ranking among AP voters.
16: The Huskers’ new low ranking in the AP Poll is brought to you by Tom Murphy from the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette who dropped the Nebraska from 10 down to 16.
-5: DPE’s total rushing yardage under Mike Riley on 11 carries. (That’s -0.45 ypc.) If you add his freshman year into the mix, his career rushing numbers jump up to 5 yards on 16 tries. I know HCMR likes the jet sweep but maybe we can put it on the shelf for a game or three?
37.5%: Tommy’s completion percentage. He was 12 for 31 on the day with the Badgers clawing down 10 of those incompletions. Might not be a bad idea to use a few of these bad boys in practice next week so Tommy can get used to throwing around flailing arms.
Did you really, like, really, really think the Huskers would be undefeated and the 7th ranked team in the nation heading into the Wisconsin game?
If the answer is yes, congrats. You might be qualified to be an expert contributor to this site. Our preseason predictions for the Huskers were nothing but Ws… until things potentially go off the rails next week in Columbus.
But let’s focus on tonight in Madison.
This is game is exactly what we all wanted. The only way it could be any better is if Wisconsin wasn’t already softened up by Michigan and Ohio State. Taking down an unbeaten (and surely top 5) team would quiet any complaints about the Huskers’ weak schedule. Still, joining the Wolverines and Buckeyes in the elite club of Badger pummelers isn’t too shabby.
The Huskers are long overdue for a win against Wisconsin and there’s no better place to do it than their home turf.
On a Saturday night.
On Bob Ross’ birthday.
The greatest American painter who ever lived would have turned 74 today. While I never saw him celebrate a victory by his college football team, there’s no doubt he would have been a hip hip hooray kind of guy. Then he’d go right back to being the chillest rascal who ever lived.
Is it going to be disappointing in the unlikely event that the Huskers lose? Hell yes. Will the Earth stop spinning? Only for a few days.
Until that happens though, let’s enjoy this one as much as possible.
Husker Nation is living the dream right now and there’s no reason for one game to turn things into a nightmare season.
The deck is going to stacked against the Big Red in Camp Randall Stadium but do you know who’s going to be standing strong on the Nebraska sideline like a happy little tree refusing to buckle during a mighty storm?
By now we should all accept the fact that, like Bob Ross, Riley is completely unflappable. Granted, an errant YOLObomb is a little more severe than a happy accident but there’s nothing he hasn’t seen before. If the shit hits the fan we can rest easy knowing he’s not going to lose his. And that’s going to make a huge difference this time around.
Things might get a little hairy but we gotta let the game play out for a full 60 minutes, especially if we want to get to the part where the Huskers have been owning the last 15.
If there’s ever a Husker game you have to miss, go ahead and circle Purdue as a bonus bye week.
The Huskers’ 27-14 win over the Boilermakers started off with a bang thanks the combo of Kieron Williams pulling down an interception game’s opening play that was immediately followed by a 22 yard touchdown run by Tommy Armstrong Jr. on the Huskers’ first offensive snap.
From that moment, the game devolved into a somewhat stressful snooze fest. This is a match up that no one, including the Huskers, seems to care about. Our local watch site, Sycamore Tavern (formerly known as The Happy Ending) was nearly as empty as it was last year when the 3-6 Huskers limped into Ross-Ade Stadium with Ryker Fyfe under center.
The biggest takeaway from the latest chapter of this not-so-storied rivalry that gives national media giggle fits is that these Huskers simultaneously have the ability to find a way to win (somehow) while being able to incite mass hysteria among their fans.
I don’t want to say I was planning on the worst when Purdue went into their locker room with a 14-10 lead at halftime but I did spend the break stress eating an ice cream sandwich the size of a Personal Pan Pizza.
Let’s hope these last two weeks are nothing more than a mid-season lull as the players and coaching staff couldn’t help but be distracted by what looms ahead.
Kudos to OG Fanny Pack Spider-Man. He’s been the only costumed weirdo this season to take enough pride in his work to insist on multiple takes.
NUMBERS TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH
1,680: For the most fleeting of moments yesterday, the Huskers were on pace to hang 1,680 points on Purdue. Then the Boilermakers figured out it’d be better if their quarterback threw the ball.
98: Out the 239 points the Huskers have scored so far this year, 98 have come in the 4th quarter. And it’s probably worth mentioning that Husker opponents have scored a grand total of 13 points in the final period.
7:22: The Huskers’ 4th quarter time-of-possession advantage. Their TOTAL advantage for the game was 6:38. Last week against Indiana, the Huskers held the ball for 11:16 of the final period. If the other team can’t get the ball it’s going to be really hard to score. This is a brilliant strategy.
8: Eight different Huskers caught the ball Saturday afternoon and none of them were named Westerkamp or Carter. Hopefully they’ll both be back soon.
9: With his one carry for one yard performance, Mikale Wilbon has matched his total rushes from last season with nine. So far, he’s gone for 75 total yards at a brisk 8.3 yards-per-carry. (Last season he was good for 35 at 3.9). Maybe by the time he’s a senior he will no longer be a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
With the Indiana Hoosiers lurking in the shadows, the Huskers’ fall break is over with a vengeance.
DUN… DUN… DUN.
Hey there… remember this site? The one that seemingly fell off the earth faster than Barb after the Huskers rolled Illinois?
Well, there’s a good story behind that if only I could remember what happened. To keep it brief, I went to see a concert the Tuesday evening of bye week and somehow had a random blackout episode (for the record I was still on my first beer) that sent me to the ER with a rather gnarly concussion. Now that I’ve regained enough brain power to form mostly coherent thoughts, it’s time to get back to what’s really important.
The Huskers rolling into Indiana and snapping some Hoosier necks like they have the power of telekinesis.
Since we last checked in, the Huskers slid into the Top 10 thanks to other teams losing which has raised the question if the Big Red is really a contender, especially with their signature win coming against an Oregon team that’s now experiencing its worst season since their days of getting blown out at home 70-21 was a regular thing.
Look, it’s not the Huskers fault that they pummeled the Ducks so hard they ended up more mentally roasted than Eleven’s mom. That’s just a potential side effect from having Mike Riley’s team on your schedule. Get used to it.
Even still, pundits are worried Indiana is going to be a trap game. This is the same Indiana that is currently 3-2 with a loss to Wake Forest and is coming off a 38-17 beat down by Ohio State. Granted, the Hoosiers’ most impressive win of the season came against Michigan State in overtime but let’s not overlook the fact that Indiana won thanks to the fact that the Spartans suck this year and T-Magic’s brother Drake got called for a game changing leaping penalty (WTF?) during a field goal attempt.
Big deal if Indiana doesn’t huddle. That just means there’s going to be less time for Michael Rose-Ivey and Nate Gerry wait before they get to tackle someone again. The only worry for the Blackshirts is if Chris Jones gets a blister from making so many interceptions. Hoosier QB Richard Lagow has thrown seven in five games. Meanwhile, our boy Tommy is holding steady at two. (He had six through five games last season.)
Illinois clearly did not get the memo that this game was supposed to be a cake walk into the Huskers’ bye week.
After surrendering an opening touchdown on a 13 play, 75 yard drive, the Fighting Illini (along with some timely contributions from the Huskers and Bad Tommy) proceeded to send Husker Nation spiraling down into that deep, dark hole where last season’s bad memories are buried.
For three anguishing quarters, the 15th ranked Huskers looked a lot like the team that spent 2015 finding new and painful ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Then the 4th quarter started and the Big Red hitched their wagon to Terrell Newby. The senior running back answered the call and put together a career-defining game. He scored two of the final period’s three Husker touchdowns and sealed the game with a 63 yard blast that had him pulling away from Illinois defenders like he had little NOS tanksin his non-Yeezy Adidas.
By the final whistle, the Big Red faithful breathed a sigh of relief at what turned out to be a very tense false alarm as the new and improved “find a way to win” Huskers cracked the code on Illinois.
The upcoming bye week will hopefully give the slew of injured Huskers (Jordan Westerkamp, Cethan Carter, and Devine Ozigbo were Saturday’s casualties) a chance to heal. Westerkamp’s non-disclosed injury (likely a shot to a kidney) sent him to the hospital to get checked out but he was soon released. If he’s back on the field in time for Indiana it will be interesting to see if he’s wear some additional padding. Those hot pants he likes to rock really don’t offer much in terms of protection.
Let’s get to the fun stuff.
Mike Riley’s Balloon Watch
Going for it TWICE on 4th down at a time when merely getting a field goal would have been a perfectly acceptable call gets Mike the AC/DC treatment the week. This new look salty and vicious Mike Riley is turning out to be a lot of fun.
A note about Fanny Pack Spider-Man’s performance: He was paid $6 for approximately 30 seconds of work. (Keep in mind the going rate on Hollywood Blvd is a buck or two a photo but we’re a big time operation.) The first thing he did was complain that he wasn’t being paid enough for his efforts. He then proceeded to completely brick it. Oh well, at least everyone was wrong on the one.
Seriously, why hasn’t 311 ever done a collab with the Huskers (aside from the part where they’re 311)? Someone needs to get P-Nut on the horn about this out of respect to the band that gave the world Omaha Stylee.
Randy’s Legendary Block One More Time Just Because
42: Did you know that Tommy Armstrong Jr. and Jordan Westerkamp have a secret roommate who can also catch touchdown passes? Senior Tre Foster seemingly came out of nowhere (or at least Illinois’ defense completely forgot about him) and hauled in a six yard touchdown pass to give the Huskers a little breathing room. Since his redshirt freshman year, Foster has caught exactly one pass per season. His career stats after today- a pair of six and nine yard receptions and two touchdown catches, his first coming against BYU last season.
69.5: As wild as he was today, Tommy completed nearly 70% of his passes going 16/23 with one mind numbing interception. He threw for 220 yards while the Huskers gained 219 on the ground on 49 attempts. Hope Throw the Ball Guy and Run the Ball Guy are happy with those numbers.
10: How many different Huskers caught at least one heater from Tommy.
16:01: The Huskers’ time-of-possession advantage. For lack of a better word, that is bonkers.
0: Guess there’s no reason to punt when your coach has the stones to go for it on 4th down.
22: Illinois converted 22% of their third downs. Meanwhile, the Huskers moved the chains at a 71% clip.
17: The number of 4th quarter carries for Terrell Newby when he pulled a Greg Jennings and put the team on his back. His gutsy performance against Illinois will be one that Husker fans never forget.
Last weekend in Chicago was a blast and I feel sorry for everyone who missed out on the fishbowls at Kirkwood. Then there was the actual game, which I have hardly heard about because before the game, they played the National Anthem. (I fully support our players kneeling for their beliefs and am glad they have people talking, even the stupid ones, because those idiots prove why they are needing to take a stand). But yes, there was an actual game played and it hasn’t really been talked about. The Huskers won. They are 4-0. You read that correctly, 4-0!!!!! I haven’t been this happy since the day Bo got fired (November 30 will always be a personal holiday).
Side note: There was a Northwestern player that really stood out to our group. #46 SB Eric Lutzen. Kid had energy for days and was the only Wildcat that I saw never give up. He cheered his team on more than anybody in that stadium. I need this kid to get some playing time. He’s got the most important intangible of all: heart. Get him out there, Fitz.
A LOOK AT ILLINOIS
Lovie Smith was hired at Illinois so people would know the name of one person associated with the program. The last time Illinois won in Lincoln, Calvin Coolidge was president. The year was 1924. The 2016 Illinois squad is coming off two losses from Western Michigan and North Carolina. If I were a betting woman, I would guess that ESPN will remind us of their big win in the first week against the powerhouse that is Murray State. 52-3. A win like that will take it out of you for the next two games so the losses just make sense.
They are probably coming off their bye week and rolling into Lincoln HOT and ready for a piece of the Blackshirts. Just kidding. I might not even go into the game this weekend because it’s going to be so sad to watch. I can tell you the coach’s name, but I can’t name one player on this Illinois squad besides their QB Wes Lunt.
Nobody in the country has watched an Illinois game this season. Probably not even the players because their play would suggest they are not watching film. Looking at their depth chart:
Anyway, the biggest Nebraska concern is a situation with the offensive line. The situation being that both starting guards are now out. RG Tanner Farmer was injured against Northwestern and is out against Illinois.LG Corey Whitaker, who replaced Farmer during the game last Saturday, will again be in for Farmer against Illinois. It looks like Cole Conrad, a sophomore walk-on, will be the backup tackle, center, and guard. Don’t read that last sentence again because it is scary. WR Alonzo Moore will also be out against Illinois. The good news is that this is Illinois which should be like a bye week, followed by an actual bye week, so there should be time for some of these guys to recover.
With Michael Rose-Ivey, DaiShon Neal, and Mohamed Barry, joining the silent National Anthem protest happening at stadiums around the country, some of Husker Nation’s finest felt the need to dust off their Twitter accounts and give Rose-Ivy a piece of their minds.
Not that any of them can really afford to be giving brain matter away.
Before belly flopping into the cesspool of the worst of what Husker Nation has to offer, here are a some quick thoughts.
1. What Rose-Ivy, Neal, and Barry did is incredibly courageous. Even if you disagree with their methods, you can still respect their conviction to kneel for what they believe in. These are the kind of guys any team should be proud to have. When was the last time you believed in anything so strongly you were you were willing to deal with fallout of having an opinion that might be far from popular?
2. For those who are surprised that Mike Riley “allowed this to happen” here are two facts: 1) His freshman year at Alabama was 1971, the first year the Crimson Tide had African-American students on its roster. 2) He’s lived in Oregon for most of his life and drove a Prius, of course the hippy is going to allow a protest to take place.
3. That “stand for those who served for your freedoms” argument. A little refresher: The US military was segregated from the War of 1812 up until the Korean War. That’s nearly 140 years of bullshit and just one small sliver of the varying degrees of bullshit African-Americans have had to put up with in this country. Maybe you’d feel a little different about things if your grandfather wasn’t allowed to storm Omaha beach because of the color of his skin? Besides, the vast majority of those who serve do so knowing they are protecting the freedoms of everyone, not just those who they agree with. It’s the American way.
4. Thanks to a police officer who was my Cub Scout den leader and baseball coach for many seasons, I grew up with the belief that cops were among the best of the best and people who could always be trusted. As someone whose adult crimes consist of a trespassing ticket after a late night dip in Lincoln’s Woods Pool during college and a citation for riding my bike while listening to headphones, even I can tell officers have become more aggressive in the last decade. On more than one occasion I’ve been flat out threatened by LAPD officers for offenses as harmful as crossing the street or looking at them too long. I’m not kidding. Still, the vast majority of officers are great people and I’m proud to have several as friends. But all it takes are a few bad apples to ruin the bunch, like this one, or this one, or this one or this one.
Now that that’s out of the way. Let’s get to the main event. I found these tweets by scrolling through Micheal Rose-Ivey’s mentions all the way back to kickoff of the Northwestern game. I can tell you with good authority that at least 9 out of 10 Husker fans who tweeted to him have shared nothing but encouraging words and support.
And there are these dipshits…
UPDATE:Tylor finally wised up and locked down his account. Good thing screengrabs last forever.
Might as well get the worst of the worst out of the way. This smegma with a Twitter account has yet to delete this sweet meme. If you look at Tylor’s timeline, you’ll see he’s doubling down on everything he says. Please give him my best. He already blocked me for this tweet. When you’re a white guy living in Central Nebraska maybe you should recuse yourself from the national debate about racial relations and let the grown ups talk?
@Rose_IveyNB15 @Coach_Riley I would like to sit down with both of you and have a dialogue regarding last night taking a knee please respond
Fine, Northwestern. You want to be known as the NU of the Big Ten, you can have it.
Even if you Wildcats haven’t been consistently average since the Pappy Waldorf era, those two little letters are all yours. From this day forward, the NU of the Big Ten that is able to boast five National Championships, three Heisman Trophy winners, and a sellout streak running 350 games strong will be henceforth be referred to around these parts as the NU-Tang Clan.
It’s long overdue that the squad that holds the distinction of being the most bad ass team in college football history does a Vulcan mind meld with the most bad ass group in hip hop history.
So now that we’ve successfully rechristened the Huskers, let’s take a special look at all the ways Northwestern is doomed on Saturday. Long story short, there will be no better tomorrow for the Wildcats. The NU-Tang killer Dis gonna swarm and if Northwestern has any luck at all, the won’t experience all 36 chambers of death.
Look for Nate “Ghostface Killah” Gerry to tee off on Wildcat QB Clayton Thorson if he gets cute and tries busting out his Taylor Martinez impression from last year. But it probably won’t even come to that because Thorson will first have to make past Ross “Inspectah Deck” Dzuris” and Michael “Masta Killa” Rose-Ivey.
On the other side of the ball, Tommy “RZA” Armstrong Jr. will be leading the NU-Tang Clan to the promised land again and again. In his previous game at Ryan Field (a dump so bad it makes Staten Island‘s Fresh Kills Landfill look like paradise), he caught a touchdown pass from De’Mornay “U-God” Pierson-El out of sheer boredom.
Then there’s the fact that Jordan “Method Man” Westerkamp will have more friends and family in the stands than the combined total of the Huskers’ travel squad and the actual Wu-Tang Clan. The last time Westy played in the Land of Lincoln, the Huskers fell to Illinois and he had a hard time hauling in any of Tommy’s wind ravaged passes that fell out of the sky so expect him to have a big day in his final go around back home. Since he can’t catch all the passes Cethan “Cappadonna” Carter and Stanley “GZA” Morgan Jr. will be there to spell him.
After starting the season with three tight-ass performances, you can expect Devine “Raekwon” Ozigbo to anchor the rushing attack.
Finally, saving the best for last, Mike “Ol’Dirty Bastard” Riley seems to have found a new ruthless killer instinct during last week’s win over Oregon. If he still believes fortune favors the bold, look for the iced out uniform wearing Huskers to have this game on ice before halftime.