College Football Season is Over. Now What?

With one final gasp, college football season has officially ended.

To borrow a phrases from the great Mick Betancourt, resorting to senior showcase games for your college football fix is “licking the baggie time.”

As of today, there are 33 weeks until the Huskers’ 2015 season kicks off.

To help make the time fly, here’s a list of activities to take your mind off the sorrow.

1. Go cold turkey and completely take a break from college football.

Lock yourself in a room with nothing but some canned goods, an old black and white TV, and assorted buckets and don’t come out until after March 1st. You won’t miss much.

2. Embark on your own Bugeater Challenge. Did you know the University of Nebraska has 24 athletic programs, 22 of which have home games/matches/meets? Go down the Big Red rabbit hole and see them all.

3. Check out some Husker games you weren’t around to see.

HuskerTapes.com is an amazing treasure trove of Husker clips from the days of yore and not-so-yore. New clips are always being added to its YouTube page so be sure to subscribe.

4. Get reacquainted with the wife. When was the last time you went to Home Depot and maybe even Bed Bath & Beyond on a Saturday?

 5. Plant the seeds of your Get Out of Jail passes. This should probably be 5b but this is our list, dammit. Thanks to the magic of television, it’s all to easy to watch college football from sun up to the wee hours of Sunday morning for 13 consecutive Saturdays. During the course of a season, even the most tolerant spouse will draw a line in the relationship sand (probably sometime during the 4th quarter of a heated contest between Hawaii and San Jose State). To help keep that moment at bay for as long as possible, take a page out of my book. Starting August 1st, I will start a flurry of home improvement projects during the weekends leading up to week one to earn that valuable couch time. Sure, we may have a few loose bathroom tiles that could stand to be fixed right now but I’ll be putting that project off until the dog days of summer.

6. Start rallying everyone you know to help make the Spring Game a sellout. We’ll go in-depth on the reasoning behind this as April gets closer but long story short, with BYU coming to town to start the season, we don’t need Mike Riley and his staff blown away by the game day atmosphere and distracted by Der Viener Schlinger.

7. Read a book. We suggest picking up a vintage copy of Armen Keteyian’s Big Red Confidential. You can get one for a penny plus shipping on the Amazon. This scandalous tell-all leading up to 1987 Game of the Century II against Oklahoma ruffled a lot of feathers when it was first released. Today, it’s a fascinating Husker time capsule. How much is really true? Hard to say, but in the decades that followed its release, Armen cemented himself as pretty a trusted journalist.

Big Red Confindential

8. Learn a new skill. On our to-do list for this off-season, we’re finally going to learn how to ollie a skateboard and ride a wheelie. Seriously.

9. Assemble the perfect game day outfit. Searching “Vintage Nebraska Cornhuskers” always turns up some amazing results on the eBay, especially in the off-season. Now is the time to finally get that sweet Apex polo you drooled over back in the early ’90s and become the envy of your tailgate.

Tom Osborne Apex

10. Beat Faux Pelini in a footrace.

He should be easy to find. He’ll be the guy running in a sweater with a cat on his shoulder.

11. Give yourself a quick refresher on when it is a good time to tweet at an athlete and when it is not a good time.

Why does this list stop at 11? Because that’s how many wins this Huskers will have next season. You can take that to the Bank(er).

Share

Hot Carl Take: Come Live With Us, Uncle Carl

The Omaha World-Herald must be warming up for next week’s Kick a Ginger Day with  Kick a Pelini day by reporting (and repeatedly tweeting) that Carl Pelini will not be considered to be the head coach of Des Moines Lincoln High School, a job for which Carl submitted his resume.

And if you believe unsubstantiated tweets, the Des Moines job was Carl’s third strike on the high school coaching search.

Poor guy wants to get back into the coaching game and he’s being treated like someone who’s been given a court order to not go anywhere near a school full of children.

Carl Pelini Stink Finger

Luckily, we have a plan.

Uncle Carl, you can come live with us.

Right here at Big Red Fury Headquarters.

We have a guest room (with its own bathroom), the fridge is always stocked with good beer, we have all the cable channels (except Cinemax) along with Netflix, Amazon Prime and Hulu Plus, and get this, from our front door, we are a mere 340 yards from the football field at Los Angeles High.

Maybe as part of your job search you saw that LA High rebounded from a dismal 1 – 9 season a year ago to win this year’s Division III City Section Championship?

Yes, a school with over 2,000 students is considered Division III in LA.

While LA High might be the oldest and one of the most distinguished high school in Southern California, its glory days are fading fast. With the LAUSD dropout rate currently at 44% (that’s an improvement, BTW), a premium isn’t exactly placed on extra-curricular activities at public schools.

In fact, the only way I know of LA High’s recent success is because they splurged on temporary lights for this year’s playoffs.

I assumed the field being lit up on a Friday night was due to being used for a movie shoot  but the roar of the crowd told otherwise. So like a moth to a flame, I made the one block hike to experience my first ever Roman football game.

This was the scene:

Friday Night Light
There’s nothing like the thrill of high school football under the Friday night light.

COLD FANS
LA High fans bundled up in November just like any other fans. The only exception- it was 60 degrees at kickoff.

LA HIGH DJ
The Marching Romans had the night off but a DJ kept the crowd going.

IMG_2873
On the field, the Romans’ powerful rushing attack paved the way to the City Section Championship at the Coliseum.

Uncle Carl, what we saw that night was football at its finest. It was simply football for the sake of football. Playing on a dusty and beaten field under the shadow of goal posts made from 2x4s, the LA High kids showed an amazing amount of grit, determination, and pride.

A lot of that is owed to the Romans’ new coach, Eric Scott. Like yourself, Scott hit a couple bumps in the road and found a new start at LA High, turning around both himself and the program. With you on his staff, there’s no doubt Roman Empire would soar to new heights.

Plus, when your squad isn’t practicing, you can work on your novel in the library and soak up the vibes of Ray Bradbury and Charles Bukowski, two of LA High’s distinguished alumni.

You can see the requirements to be a Volunteer Coach here.

LA HIGH VOLUNTEER COACHING REQUIREMENTS
Please note: I know a guy who knows a guy who can take care of any issues with your fingerprints. A TB test is a scan for Tuberculosis, it is not a check for a new social disease. I’ll do my best to find out exactly what kind of conduct is on that “Code of Conduct.”

If you’re still not sold, here’s one last carrot with which to temp you.

JUMBOS CLOWN ROOM

Jumbo’s Clown Room might not look like much during the day but at night it transforms to the Second Happiest Place on Earth. You think you had a wild time in Florida? Spend a couple nights with me at Jumbo’s. Every single visit is like a hand job for the mind. I might even be able to rally Lemmy (yes, that Lemmy) to help give you a proper welcome to the City of Angels.

What do you think, Uncle Carl?

Give the word and I’ll start sucking up to my wife.

 

Share

Best Reactions to Tim Beck Going to Ohio State

To the surprise of just about everyone, Tim Beck is joining Urban Meyer’s staff at Ohio State.

Yes, THE Ohio State University. The same one that is playing the Oregon Ducks for the National Championship.

And yes,  the Tim Beck. Public enemy number two to every arm chair coach in Husker Nation has been promoted from the thankless job of running the offense for the Scarlet and Cream to helping run the offense for the Scarlet and Gray.

Tim Beck Tunnel Walk of Shame
From Tunnel Walk of Shame’s comic for the Minnesota game.
How little did we know how bright Tim Beck’s future would be
.

While it is a surprising announcement, especially for a seemingly quiet Sunday, the move isn’t entirely out of left field. Beck will be teaming back up with Ed Warinner. You may remember their work together at Kansas when they torched the Huskers for 76 points and 572 yards and pounded a few nails into Bill Callahan’s coffin back in 2007.

If you tuned in for Ohio State’s playoff game against Alabama, you probably noticed how much the Buckeyes’ offense was reminiscent of Nebraska’s… except for that whole being able to knock off a top ten opponent part… and that whole being able to knock off a top ten opponent while using your third string quaterback part.

Needless to say, the news of Beck’s promotion was one that sent the Husker social media peanut gallery aflutter.

Lincoln Journal Star Facebook
This Lincoln Journal Star post and comments can be found here.

Tim Beck Heart Attack

Tim Beck FartedCarla, this comment makes absolutely zero sense. Surely the news about Tim Beck had the power to make 75% of his haters crap their pants, but mere farts? No way.

Tim Beck Urban Meyer
Good job looking on the bright side, Dot.

Tim Beck Ohio State
Yep. The state of Ohio (10x the population of Nebraska, btw) loves their football. Thank you, Jon, for that astute observation.

Tim Beck Comment 1
WTF, Dennis? Did you not at all notice the part where Ohio State hired Tim Beck?

And here’s what the Twitter had to say.

See if you can figure out which tweets came from Husker fans and which came from Buckeye fans:

Share

Our Top 25 Google Search Terms

How do you Google?

Thanks to the wonderful powers of magic, it’s easy to see exactly how some of you have used the Google when it comes to finding this little corner of the Husker internet. Most searches were bland and normal, some were a little crazy, and a few are worth immortalizing.

These are the top 25 Google searches that have lead people to Big Red Fury.

25. husker fanny pack

Husker Fanny Pack
Pity the fool who got one of these for Christmas.

24. scott frost girlfriend

Don’t know who Scott is currently dating but on more than a few occasions I did witness him cruising for chicks in his Wood River letterman jacket at the Conestoga Mall way back in the day.

23. mike riley affair

Wait… what? Does Coach Riley have a secret sidepiece a la Frank Solich?

22. tim miles dumb

Tim Miles

After this week’s loss against Iowa, Coach Miles is probably more frustrated than dumb.

21. wisconsion badger racoon selfie

Have you ever seen so much confusion in only four words? There may be two Os in Goose but there’s only one O in Wisconsin. We’ll just leave it at that.

20. selfie de old yeller

Not to sound like a broken record but have you ever seen so much confusion in only four words?

19. faux pelini knock knock joke about new head coach

If you have to turn to the Google to find a knock-knock joke that was made on the Twitter, how are you able to even dress yourself in the morning? This search was so bizarre Faux had to know about it.

Faux Pelini Knock Knock Joke Twitter

18. nebraska cornhuskers suck

Hey now.

17. dirk chatelin writer omaha world herals paper

From this point forward, the World-Herald will now be referred to as the World-Herals and Dirk Chatelin is the evil twin of Dirk Chatelain.

16.  usc song girls at the holiday bowl

15. holiday bowl usc cheerleaders

14. usc song girls holiday bowl

13. holiday bowl 2014 song girls

12. song girls usc nebraska

When in doubt, boobs in sweaters get the page views. Every time. Thank you for reading this far. Song Girls are your reward.

USC SONG GIRLS

USC SONG GIRL DIVING BOARD

11. analysis of the bad news bears

Bad News Bears - Open Liquor in the Car

Uh OK. Through the lens of 2015, the original Bad News Bears is a wonderful time capsule, capturing a bygone era where causal racism, drunk driving, and beating kids in public were all socially acceptable. Its underlying theme of valuing fun over competition and doing the best you can remains true to this day.

10. forum huskermax www tunnel walk shame

After a long season, all Husker sites start looking alike.

9. gif jake cotton knocked over by jedi husker

Poor guy will never live that down.

8. which husker player recorded bo meeting

That’s a secret we’d all love to know. Maybe the Omaha World-Herals’ Dirk Chatelin will tell us some day.

7. bear riding a shark

Bear Riding a Shark

Seriously. This one warms the cockles of my heart so much.

6. mike riley gotta make dur

Mike Riley gotta make dur what? Big bucks? Playoffs? Dur-licious tacos?

5. mike riley is full of shit

I respectfully disagree. Coach Riley seems like a very nice and sincere guy.

4. is ron brown going to be able to stay coaching at ne after peleni let go

You very easily could have been reading a list of the top 25 Google searches for Ron Brown. This was by far the best.

3. does bo pelini hate dirk chatelain

Think we all know the answer to that one.

2. is bo pelini on the cusp

How little did we know.

1. peace out bitches pelini

What do you think Pelini is up to right now? Not trolling. Just curious.

Share

Is Mike Riley Too Old to Coach the Huskers?

Welcome to the first Monday of 2015. No need to beat around the bush. It’s time to get down to business.

Buried in the 17th paragraph of Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain’s account of following new Husker head coach Mike Riley around the Holiday Bowl was this observation:

Riley isn’t “cool” like Tim Miles. The man is 61 years old, for goodness sakes. But he is respected.

First off, aside from goody two shoes named Dirk, who under the age of 61 has ever used the phrase for goodness sakes?

Second off, was that Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain’s subtle way of planting the first seeds of doubt about Riley’s abilities to lead the Huskers at such an advanced age?

Mike Riley Holiday Bowl
Senior Citizen and Husker head coach Mike Riley looking young and hip in a hoodie at the 2014 Holiday Bowl.

Before we proceed any further, consider this: Without even coaching a single game, Mike Riley already holds the record for oldest head coach in Husker football history. By the time the 2015 season kicks off, he’ll be 62.

Tom Osborne coached his last game at 60.

Frank Solich was fired at 59.

Bob Devaney was 56 when he turned the reigns over to TO. And if you’re keeping score at home, Devaney was the very first to lead the Big Red while in his 50s.

Trust us, we looked at every Huskers head coach all the way back to the Bugeaters era.

Along the way, we did make the amazing discovery that Ewald O. Stiehm was the head coach of the Husker football AND basketball teams during his time at dear old Nebraska U. from 1911 – 1915. He did he same at Indiana for a couple years before dying of stomach cancer at age 37. Could modern medicine prove that Stiehm simply had a gnarly ulcer from the stress of coaching two teams?

So back to Mike Riley. As a senior citizen, does he have the vim and vigor lead the Huskers?

We think so.

Mike Riley Rides A Bike
Regular exercise, such as riding a bicycle can keep a person feeling young.

Here’s the main thing to consider in our assessment: Mike Riley has spent the bulk of his life living in crunchy Corvalis, Oregon.  Clean air, organic food, mild temperatures year-round, and a small fan base that doesn’t exactly have high demands has kept Riley from aging like a typical football coach.

While the license that enables him to drive his Toyota Prius says he’s 61, Riley can’t be older than 45 in coaching years.

Give him a season or two at the helm of the Big Red and we’ll find out exactly how old he is.

And if you’re still worried about Riley’s age, consider these elderly dudes.

steve spurrier
Steve Spurrier, still rocking the visor at age 69, dude.

Bill SnyderBill Snyder, 75 going on 110.

Frank Solich
Frank Solich is proof you can be in your 7th decade and still have what it takes to lead a mediocre MAC team.

Arnold-Schwarzenegger-and-Sylvester-Stallone-Chill-on-Hospital-Bed
Schwarzenegger and Stallone are 67 and 68 respectively.

Liam Neeson
Liam Neeson can’t believe the incredible deal he can get on term life insurance even as a 62-year-old.

Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury
Believe it or not, Samuel L. Jackson is 66-years-old. When you’ve signed on for 30 Marvel movies, your ass better not age a single day.

Share

Field Trip: Lending Our Support to the Other Big Red

Yesterday sure was an amazing day in college football wasn’t it?

Thanks to the Big Red being absent from the New Year’s Day slate, I was able to kick back and enjoy a stress-free day of football from dawn to dusk.

Shortly after Jameis Winston suffered his season defining humiliation…

I managed to peel myself off the couch, find some pants and make the three mile journey up to The Happy Ending,  our local Husker watch site” which also doubles as a “backer bar” for the Buckeyes of The Ohio State University.

In the year 2015, it was nice to see regional dialects alive and well. Had no idea the term backer bar even existed until I mentioned the phrase watch site, which sent the table full of Buckeyes I was sitting with into a giggle fit.  And as they pointed out, calling a bar a watch site is strictly a Nebraska phenomenon. The Google doesn’t lie.

Anyway, I went to cheer on the other Big Red (tOSU doesn’t have an equivalent nickname as I learned) in support of a friend who bleeds the whole Buckeye color palate and in support of America in general. Any team that can make Nick Saban sad is a friend of mine.

This season, there were just a couple Nebraska and Ohio State games that overlapped and when they did, it was only for a few minutes with their game wrapping up as ours kicked off.  The only interactions us Huskers had with Buckeye fans went no further than a simple and respectful head nod as we weaved through their ground floor crowd to our upstairs party room. Things certainly weren’t like 2011 and 2012 when our teams went head-to-head and resulted in a bar full of fans ready to reenact the climactic rumble from The Outsiders.

Random observations from my time as a temporary Buckeye fan:

Much like Los Angeles being home to the greatest number of Armenians outside of Armenia, the same can be said for people from Ohio. I’ve seen a lot in my days as a Husker fan but nothing prepared be for the shock and bewilderment of seeing a bar at standing-room-only an hour before kickoff. We’re talking a solid 300 tOSU fans packed under one roof. In Husker Nation’s defense, we do have many more watch sites than tOSU has backer bars, causing our fan base to be much more diluted.

Why yes, Ohio State fans are getting pumped by listening to You’re the Best Around.

They all thought Pelini getting fired was hilarious.

They were quite welcoming to a Husker fan in their midst. Though one of them did crow about that one time in college when they beat a Ron Dayne lead Nebraska team.

Husker Hoodie
As an emissary of Husker Nation, I made sure my allegiance to the Big Red was front and center.

Buckeye fans are ridiculously coordinated in their cheering. Instead of only springing into action when someone randomly starts a Go Big Red, they had a guy with a whistle calling out cheers. Seeing them in action was like watching a bunch of pasty, Midwestern looking Brazilians cheering on the Canarinho during the World Cup. Gotta tip my Snap-On hat to that one.

Ohio State’s offense is eerily similar to the offense formerly directed by Tim Beck in terms of its explosiveness, curious play calls,  and straight up Yolo-ness.

Spend the 4th quarter repeatedly getting stuffed? Time to break off an 85 yard TD run. Just need to kill the clock to end the game? Dial up 50 yard bomb. Having trouble punching it in out of the shotgun? Better have a wide receiver make an impossible TD pass.

This is the sort of reaction a wide receiver’s needle threading touchdown pass elicits.

By the time Alabama’s Hail Mary was intercepted, I had developed a new appreciation for Ohio State fans. Granted, they might be a little too in love with the slop dished up by Skyline Chili but their love for their Buckeyes is truly a sight to behold.

OHIO STATE FAN

Hopefully, my new found Buckeye friends won’t be too crushed when my allegiance switches to the Ducks for the championship game.

Go Big Green!

Or whatever Oregon fans say.

 

 

Share