As the news of Mike Riley’s hiring began to sink in, we lit a candle for a rather peculiar aspect of the Bo Pelini era, the weird and wacky news and outrageous highlights that were a hallmark of his time at Nebraska.
Thankfully, defensive lineman Jack Gangwish came through with one last swan song by getting bitten by a raccoon while trying snap a selfie with the critter.
Luckily, he’s not going to have to be taken out back behind Memorial Stadium for the Old Yeller treatment.
He’s going to live. But to ensure the he (hopefully) doesn’t have a repeat incident, we put together a list of animals Jack should avoid when the urge to take a selfie strikes.
THE HONEY BADGER
Even if he’s just chilling, don’t even think about it. Besides, it would be so much cooler if you wait a year and take a selfie after flattening a Wisconsin Badger on the turf at Memorial Stadium. Who cares about the penalty? Think of how awesome it’d be if you dug your phone out of your jockstrap while standing over a leveled quarterback. YOU. WOULD. BE. A. LEGEND.
Do it and we’ll let you have the Rocket Raccoon mask we were given at the Guardians of the Galaxy premiere AND we’ll throw in a season pass to the Henry Doorly Zoo. (After your NCAA eligibility expires of course. This site does not dole out illegal gifts. Then again, we may have just put out a bounty on Wisconsin’s poor quarterback. Those guys are so doomed next year.)
See Jack, we’re Raccoon selfie enthusiasts too.
Jack, do you remember Steve Irwin, aka The Crocodile Hunter? You would have been a wee 5’9″ 175lb 12-year-old when a stingray cut his life short with a million dollar shot straight to the heart when he tried to pet it while scuba diving. Steve made crocodile selfies look easy because he was Australian. If you’ve never met an Aussie, they’re all 100% crazy as evidenced by the below photo of Steve holding his infant son while feeding a crocodile. If there was one thing worse than Michael Jackson dangling his baby off a balcony, it was dangling a baby in front of a hungry crocodile in the name of entertainment.
Imagine the outrage if Twitter existed when this happened.
But if you really, really insist, have a buddy take the photo. You need to use both hands to secure the head.
Yes, they’re basically big, cuddly dogs and howling at the moon together would be a blast but seriously dude, if LIAM NEESONS goes mano-a-mano with a bunch of wolves and the movie ends before you even find out if he makes it out alive (SPOILER ALERT! You should have seen The Grey three years ago.), just think about what they would do to you. Granted, you are a 6’2″ 260lb bad ass but Liam Neesons had bottle claws and a very particular set of skills. Skills he acquired over a very long career.
VELOCIRAPTORS RIDING GREAT WHITE SHARKS
This picture may be Photoshopped. It’s hard to tell. Either way, the Velociraptor could stand to take a remedial course in gun safety. Look how carelessly that Uzi is being held.
And one final thing, from this point forward, your new nickname is THE BEASTMASTER. Wear it with pride.
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