Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain is like a puzzle wrapped in an enigma.
In his latest Mad Chatter column, in which he ponders Nebraska’s glorious home slate had they stayed in the Big 12 with West Virgina’s schedule, he dropped a nugget of info in the lead sentence that continues to confound us days later.
Here’s his opening:
Saturday night I’m walking to my car at 21st and R Streets (a long way from Memorial Stadium) when I got to thinking about Nebraska football’s sad relationship with the Big Ten.
Living in Los Angeles, parking will ingrain itself as a major obsession whether you want it to or not. You just can’t help it. So when Omaha World-Herald Staff Writer Dirk Chatelain mentioned he parked all the way down at 21st and R, that got our wheels spinning more than the BS hypothetical situations he was spewing out.
Doesn’t the Omaha World-Herald spring for parking at least in the same ZIP code as Memorial Stadium? You’d think all the web traffic Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain drives could translate into a few perks.
Doesn’t the Husker sports information department provide parking passes for beloved media juggernauts like Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain?
If the Husker sports information department doesn’t dole out parking passes, surely they could provide a shuttle service so that Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain doesn’t have to walk halfway back to Omaha to get his car, right?
Why didn’t Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain simply hail an Uber? By the time he wrapped up his post-game duties, surge pricing would be over meaning his ride would be $5 – 7 at most. And when you factor in not having to pay for a prime parking spot near the stadium, you could even end up saving money with an Uber. But why does that even matter because Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain has a legit expense account, right?
Even if he didn’t want to spend the money, why didn’t Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain pull an Ochocinco and harness the power of his 14,000+ Twtter followers for a ride? One can only imagine the mad rush to pick him up would play out like a fan-made Fast and Furious movie. Who in their right mind wouldn’t burn a little rubber and run a few stop signs for the chance to do Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain a favor on a Saturday night?
That means Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain was either being very general with his description or he was being precise and he actually parks in a field far, far away from the stadium for the same reason Patrick Swayze drove a beater in Road House.
Or… a third option… Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain was cunningly feeding the trolls and haters by fibbing all along and doesn’t actually park at 21st and R.
As someone who incited the rage of East Campus for a solid two out of five years during my time at Husker U, I know all too well that motivated angry people will stop at nothing to find you to “have a few words” in real life and can be easily fooled.
Much like Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatelain name checking his 21st and R parking spot, I once mentioned in print that I loved starting each morning with a spirited run around the state capitol. I can’t remember why I even said I was a avid morning runner but it was a statement that was full of crap.
A week later, a friend who had a class on East Campus called. She was equal parts mortified and amused. Apparently a couple of farmer types in her class were complaining to each other that I was nowhere to be found on the sidewalks ringing the Penis of the Plains.
In other words, they were running a stakeout to find me. Knowing full well how much I was disliked, a vigorous bull dogging would have been the least to expect.
So well played with your fictitious parking spot, Omaha World-Herald staff writer Dirk Chatlain. Well played.
Here’s hoping you do a drive-by after the Minnesota game and snag a photo of your most loyal readers milling about in a vacant lot with axe handles and lead pipes.